A Fool's Utopia 4.30.09: Cable Shows You Should Watch

Posted by Ron Martin on 04.30.2009

This week in one man's utopia we go on a tour of the cable shows everyone should be watching, take a look at Will Ferrell's publicity tour of the land, experience life in 3D, examine the Michael Scott Paper Company storyline and relive the greatest two on two basketball game of all time. Act now, and I'll throw in ants carrying guns. BOOMSHAKALAKA!

You know the shows. They're the ones everyone talks about. They're the ones that have their recaps on this very site. They're the network shows. If you're like me, maybe you watch a network show here and there, but with so many channels available, why would we limit ourselves to a handful of channels? With summer rerun season coming up, I thought I'd introduce you to a little something I like to call the basic cable channels. I'll go down the list of cable channels on my digital cable set up from 20 to 63 and give you a show to watch on each one. Excluding from out countdown will be channels that broadcast to a specific demographic of which I am not a part of, news channels (they really aren't worth watching 95% of the time) and repeat channels (anything with a ‘2' attached to the end of it).

WGN:

Out of Sight Retro Night. Where else can you get Bob Newhart, Jackie Gleason, Granny and Alf all in the same block of shows?

AMC: Mad Men
MTV: Your Finger Hitting the "Channel Down" button on your remote
USA: Psych
ESPN: Sportscenter commercials – guaranteed to be a dozen times more entertaining and less forced that the borderline unwatchable Sportscenter

Bravo: Inside the Actors Studio, if only so you can see how dead on most of the impressions of James Lipton are. Also, there is nothing else worth noting on this worthless channel.

Disney: Hope for some sort of special or movie that they sometimes run on the weekends. Otherwise DVR Recess at 4 AM.

Nickelodeon:

The Penguins of Madagascar. I know. It surprised me that it was pretty funny as well. I've never even seen Madagascar and I like this show.

Animal Planet: Orangutan Island
TBS: Ten Items of Less
TNT: If you get up real early for work, or work third shift and are just getting home, you can catch old episodes of Angel and Charmed early in the mornings. It's not great, but it's better than starting your day off by not looking at Alyssa Milano or Charisma Carpenter.

A&E: Biography
SPIKE:

MXC. Someone is flying on a mushroom. What else do you need, Bobaganoosh?

Discovery: Dirty Jobs
VH1:Best Week Ever
Cartoon Network: Home Movies. You'll probably need the DVR for this one, but it's worth scheduling.

TVLand: Everything except for The Cougar. It hurts my soul.
Food: Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives
FX:

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

TLC: My First Home
Travel Channel: Man vs. Food
The History Channel: Ice Road Truckers
E!: Talk Soup: Not as good as it used to be, but there's not a whole lot to pick from here.

Comedy Central:

The Daily Show. It was close between this, South Park and Futurama

Sci-Fi Network: Sci-fi Saturdays. It's the home of the modern day B-movie.

Now you can't say there's nothing to watch on TV in the summers. I guess you could if you really need to make an excuse to do something else, but you'd be lying. I know it, you know it…and that should be shameful enough.

-- Someone was talking to me about the boxing game on Wii Fit at my workplace the other day when I had probably the greatest idea known to man. It's possible that this idea has already been implemented without my knowledge, but if it hasn't, then it's brilliant and it's mine – so don't steal it. You guys ready for this? A boxing game where you create your own opponent. It could look like your boss, your co-worker or even Ben Affleck. Come to think of it, Ben Affleck would already be included in the game. Ben Affleck, Terrell Owens, Ashton Kutcher, Gordon Ramsey and every single person who is a "reality celebrity." It should be noted that "reality celebrity" are much different that celebrities on reality shows. Damn, I need to be a video game designer. I could make dozens of dollars





-- Will Ferrell is taking this Land of the Lost stuff seriously. I'm too young to remember the show and the average Will Ferrell comedy movie (they're all pretty much the same, aren't they?) lost it's magic for me shortly after Talledega Nights so I wasn't planning on sneaking a peek at this one – at least not until it came out on DVD. However, Will Ferrell is trying to personally bully me into watching it by appearing on shows that I watch. He's not fooling around either, in early June, he'll be stranded in the Swedish mountains with Bear Grylls on the show Man vs. Wild. I enjoy the show even though I know that Bear has been caught taking some shortcuts (literally and figuratively). I feel I need the knowledge in case I ever find myself stranded in the deep jungle with nothing but a parachute and a wet backpack to go over a hundred foot waterfall with. Laugh now, but when I'm parachuting down the waterfall, I will give all of you the finger and yell out "Who's laughing now?!" Of course, no one will hear me, but the gratitude will be of singularly prideful variety. Back to Ferrell who "eats reindeer" eyes on the show. As I said, with Bear's reputation there is no guarantee that it's legit, but I do believe that Bear is eating what he says he's eating. My question is this: If you have the eyes, aren't there other parts of the reindeer that might taste better lying around? Did they just walk up and say "Oh, there's some reindeer eyes. Dinner?" The real question is how many time will Ferrell show Bear his appendix scar. I know I've seen it more times than anyone should. Kudos to Ferrell for lasting two hard nights. The episode will coincide with the release of Land of the Lost.

-- From the category of "When I woke up this morning, I didn't think I would…," I can finish that sentence with "…buy a Heather Graham action figure," if the day in question is last Sunday. Weird things happen when you venture into a shopping area without a gameplan. It's no Rollergirl, but Felicity Shagwell will do for the time being. I now have the most extensive Heather Graham action figure collection on my block – I hope.

-- I finally got around to seeing one of those new fandangled 3-D animated flicks that are all the rage amongst the kids. It was by accident. Monsters vs. Aliens finally hit the Five Buck Club and we went to see it, but apparently the 3-D version and the non-3D version were playing at two separate theaters, so my $5 movie became $8.50. Here are my thoughts on the movie…Eh, thought it would be funnier. Here are my thoughts on the 3D…Eh, not worth $3.50. I don't really think 3D enhanced my movie going experience. It certainly didn't enhance it enough to charge me $3.50 more. On top of that, I paid $3.50 and they took the glasses back!. No wonder this Swine Flu is sweeping the world. They're re-using the 3D glasses and charging people just to rent them.



The movie had some funny moments. The kid (whose parents took him to a 9:00 showing on a Sunday night) a few rows up thought it was the funniest thing in the history of the universe because he was laughing at everything. Overall, I was a bit disappointed because I had heard good things and had my expectations up. BOB was funny enough. My Seth Rogan overexposure gene didn't even kick in. It was nowhere near one of the best animated films I have seen. There was one thing I didn't understand. Derek was all freaked out because Susan became huge, but he didn't look at the bright side – the chick was stacked! PSA: Don't be a Derek. If you're fiancée grows 100 times her normal size, but she has huge boobs that are proportionate to the rest of her body, count your blessings. Kids are starving in China, you know.

-- Here we go with my bi-weekly Office rant. They wrapped up the Michael Scott Paper Company storyline this week which begs the same question that I had with the Holly storyline at the beginning of the season – what was the point? Again, after getting my hopes up, the writers continue to baffle me. At least I enjoyed it while it lasted. If there was any forethought in the writing staff, they would have ended the season with Michael saying "I quit." Not only is it a great cliffhanger, but you have a built in storyline for the majority of next season: The Michael Scott Paper Company siphoning business (and employees) from Dunder Mifflin. As it is, they took a great storyline and hit the reset button. Aside from minor differences (Pam is now a salesperson and Ryan is back in the fold), everything is the same as it was four weeks ago. I suppose now we rush into a three episode story arc ending with Jim and Pam's wedding to end a really unbalanced season. Still, it's better than Season Four and Pam is interesting for the first time in two years.



Dwight Schrute had better watch his back, Tom Haverford is quickly moving up the list of best characters on Thursdays.

-- Remember when we were told to be kind and rewind? Remember when Prince was the sign before he was Prince again? Remember when you actually had to wait until summer to see an episode of your favorite TV show if you missed a program? If you remember any of these things, chances are you are ready for a little RETRO action. Otherwise, see you next week.

Today, my friends, I'd like to pay tribute to a video game that revolutionized the industry. It changed the way we played video game forever. You could say it is the father of the modern video game….okay it's none of those things, but it was fun to play for a couple of years. Yes, I speak of…



When NBA Jams came out, I pumped quarter after quarter into the damn thing trying to get through all the NBA teams. Finally, a game that matched my basketball abilities. Of course jumping so high that you went off the screen and came down so hard that not only did you crush the backboard, but actually caught it on fire. All just so I could hear Marv Albert preach those words that I so yearned to hear. "HE'S ON FIRE!"



The only thing better than shooting a ball that has flames following it right into the hoop is turning off computer assistance and beating the crap out of the team that just knocked the Pacers out of the playoff. Scores of 123-12 were not uncommon during playoff time around my home. This was between battling my way through the entire NBA from the Clippers to the Bulls. The Bulls proceeded to kick my ass about 30 straight times before I finally beat them. This was all without Michael Jordan who was too big to be in the game for some reason. If you got bored, you could type in codes to play as Mortal Kombat competitors, the President, the Beastie Boys, big heads, small heads maybe even fish heads.

Like anything that is remotely successful, the higher ups screwed things up. Soon there were ten editions of the game out. Instead of just two players, there were whole teams that you had to substitute two players in and out every quarter. I didn't want this. I just wanted to hear "BOOMSHAKALAKA!" and see a whole game of dominance go down the drain because computer assistance allowed my uncle the chance to shoot a full court shot as time expired to take the game into overtime just to get two more quarters out of me. I know it's weird, but that's how it works.

Was it just me or was the 80s the decade of action figures? It could be that I have a skewed vision of things since that was when action figures would have precedents over female figures, but it does seem like there were a lot of different lines of action figures. In comparison, however, I don't remember an overabundance of female figures in the 90s – the 90s are kind of a blur, but that's a story for another column.

Action figures. You had your GI Joe, your Transformers and your He-Man. Those were the givens. On the lesser known front you had movie related products like Police Academy actions figures, Rambo and even Karate Kid action figures.

Eventually, they had worn the action figure line so thin that Hasbro resorted to putting weapons on insects. You think I've gotten into the secret stash again? You think my dazed 90s have affected the memories I have of the 80s? Check it out.



To be in a word where someone dramatically yells "SAVE THE EGGS!" and means it is all I ask.

Army Ants fell in line somewhere between M.U.S.C.L.E. men and GI Joe. Split up into an orange army and a blue army, each army was detailed and came with a leader and three pack battalions including artillery, mortar, snipers, etc. From the commercial to the actual toys, this wasn't a bad line of figures. They had stories, they had guns and most importantly, they had interchangeable asses. What more can be asked for in a toy line? I'd like to tout that the Army Ants were an important aspect of the Battle for My Bedroom, but nay, they came along too late in the story. By the time Army Ants hit the market, I was becoming a dirty rocker that wasn't quite so dirty that he couldn't immediately make the transition to grunge for the high school years. I had not one ant, let alone many that would necessitate an army.



My loss.

THE GREAT BOO-BERRY UPDATE: I fear all has been lost, not just the Army Ants. I don't think Boo-Berry has graced a grocery store shelf in my town since the days of grunge. I half expected the city to be void of Frankenberry as well because not only has sugary cereal taken a backseat to the more healthy stuff, but frankly strawberry just isn't as prominent a flavor as it once was. We can thank the emergence of the kiwi for that. However, the lack of Count Chocula is just baffling. If I didn't believe deep in my heart that somewhere in this God forsaken world, Count Chocula still roams the grocery aisles of a blessed little town, I would shed tears.

Random Screenshot from Random NES game I owned

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

April 30, 1986

#1 Song

Prince - Kiss


"Kiss" By Prince and the Revolution

#1 Album



5150 by Van Halen

NOTABLES: "Why Can't This Be Love"

#1 Movie



Legend

Currently:
READING: The Macabre Box by Jace Epple
WATCHING: The Dentist, the entire Tremors series
PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: Feeding My Fish
PLAYING: Pac-Man World 3
LOOKING FORWARD TO: Sleeping more than four hours, having a dishwasher

I must leave you now. Until next week, hop a train to nowheresville.