Ghost Hunters Recap 5.8: Garden State Asylum

Posted by Ron Martin on 04.30.2009

Are you ready for the scariest episode of Ghost Hunters ever? Are you sure you are ready because they have been building to this thing for like three weeks. I will wait while you get ready. Ah, trust me -- you're ready.

Since I get the question all the time, the two episodes Robb referred to where the Pilgrim Films crew had battery drain can be found here and here. And I'm pretty sure Joe Chin knows that I pattern my life after how I think he would best be pleased, but I like to pretend like he doesn't. That way if I ever met Joe Chin in person, I wouldn't have to run for fear that he will karate chop my ass back in time. However, the one question that burns my soul and my life will never be complete until I get it answered is this – "Joe Chin, what was it like to ghost hunt with the Miz?"

Welcome to the "mid-season" finale of Ghost Hunters! If I'm a little grumpy today it's because I didn't get my usual Christmas break and have been pulling double duty on Wednesdays since last September. With GHI coming back in July, I'm guessing we are either on reruns for two months or they're slipping Destination Truth into the rotation. I would recap Destination Truth but it's like every stripper I've ever met. Entertaining as hell, but in the end, it's just a tease. I'll watch, but that's it. Feel free to e-mail me if you have DT thoughts. I got good word that there be more crossovers involving DT as well.

For now we have bigger fish to fry. I have to tell that I am more than a little scared because this is the most hyped episode of GH (outside the live shows) ever. Two weeks in a row they hyped it at the end of the show. I should be excited instead of scared, but I know better.




This week on Ghost Hunters
TAPS investigates a place where 10,000 people have died. The most haunted episode of GH ever and the best the announcer can do is "Jason and Grant walk the tunnels underneath the complex." At least act like one of them is going to die, like usual. They take all the suspense out of the ‘who's going into the morgue box' debate. If you had Tango (if you didn't, you've obviously never seen a single episode of the show), collect your money.

No TAPS headquarters segment this week, just right into the drive. The team is wearing middling to light clothing telling me that this was filmed quite some time after last week's episode.

This show just got infinitely better. Not only did I just spot Britt, who has been the best thing to happen to this show in this leg of the season, but once again we are graced with the presence of the Almighty…


Jason and Grant are going all out to save this season. This must have been filmed while GHI was airing earlier this year. I don't know why I must guess when everything was filmed. It's a sickness. Joe Chin says "yes sir" and "thank you" to Jason to lure him into a false sense of security. Don't worry, he will get Jason for making him investigate with the Miz. Vengeance will be Joe Chin's!

Case #1: Essex County Hospital, Cedar Grove, New Jersey

The Investigation
That is one creepy looking place. Tom Hamilton is our tour guide. I knew they were getting old, but I didn't think the bass player for Aerosmith was rocking grey hair and glasses. For the record, this place looks nothing like the house I bought. Tom wants the ghost to toss around TAPS. Me too, Tom, me too. What Tom doesn't know is that all he needs is for the K-II meter to glow and he's golden. Tom says about 10,000 people died in the place. A new coat of paint is definitely needed. I'm kind of amazed this place is graffiti-free. People have been grabbed…in a bad way. Steve looks like he is taking notes, but really he is just drawing pictures of penises. Reading is bad, kids! Like every other creepy place, this place has tunnels. Jason makes the observation that the tunnels are "interesting." That's why he makes the big bucks, folks. A flickering blue light is seen wondering through the tunnels. I'm a little disturbed because they show us a refrigerated unit in a morgue that looks like it has a piece of Italian Sausage laying on one of the beds. That's not very nice. At least use the spicy chorizo! Like any other haunted hospital there's a ghost nurse. This place is going to be demolished and a park built on the grounds. I know I'd want my children to frolic and play on grounds where over 10,000 people have died and there are reports of massive paranormal activity.

Now comes what has become my favorite part of the show because I can get caught up on my writing without having to stop the DVR. Why? Nothing of note is happening, we're just wasting a few minutes. Grant does say that roaming around an area that a lot of insane people was in can be scary. Let's let our children play London Bridges here. Reason #132 not to live in Jersey. Joe Chin is moments away from snapping and taking out all these people, but he counts to ten and thinks better of it. Joe Chin is merciful.

For now.


LIGHTS OUT! Kind of. There are no lights.
Alpha Team is in the tunnels. They are wearing protective face masks because they want no part of the Swine Flu. They immediately get a heat signature. It's just the pipes? Why would they be hot if there is no power going to the place? They see something down the hall and want to talk. Jason says it sounds like someone wailing on either a carp, a harp or a tarp. Can't tell because of the Swine Flu masks. Jason is getting a weird shapeshifting object at the end of the hall on the thermal. They actually walk towards it? This is usually the time they bail out of the room. Instead, they hear a scream. See guys – good things come to those who wait. And wait we will because now is a good time for…

COMMERCIALS. I can't decide if I want to see Wolverine or not.

Once again, Alpha Team surprises me by going after the scream. They do not surprise me by rewinding the thermal immediately when they see something instead of you know, keeping it running to continue recording what you are seeing. That's what you have Clown Team for. That's actually the only reason you have them at this point.

Jason is doing a confessional, but is interrupted by a bunch of noise going on in an area where there shouldn't be anyone. And true to form there is no one there.

Clown Team gets the #2 spot this week. The girls must be pissed. They are on the second floor and I notice all the door are wide open. If TAPS opened them all in hopes that they would get slammed, this should not have been edited out. That would actually have been a good thing. They start an EVP session. Steve goes on to tell Tango this is the mentally challenged ward and for the first time maybe ever, they actually make me laugh. Here's the convo.

Steve: There was a guy here who ate his. Actually ate his whole bed.
Tango: What?
Steve: Springs and everything.
Tango: Was he French?

Tango actually has a reason to bring that up, but that only lessens the funny. This is the kind of back and forth these guys should be having all the time instead of beating on things, making bets and dancing with weasels in their pants. They are getting ghost hunting done and almost as an afterthought they bring the funny. It's a fine line and I don't know that these guys can walk it, but they did a good job here. They even have an EMF meter out. It gets a spike so Steve asks the ghost to come back. They get a sound from inside a room and going against the TAPS handbook, Steve goes in to investigate. Since this yields no results, they go back to the TAPS handbook and rewind the mini-DV. While they do this I'd like to note that the ghost ban together and do the riverdance while singing "O Danny Boy." Unfortunately all this was missed because they had to rewind the DV to listen to something they are going to have to listen to at the end of the show anyways. There's a third voice recorded, sounds like a crew person. They do get a snap sound. Steve is quick to call this possibly not paranormal. Since they are going total TAPS handbook now, they must leave this place where maybe not paranormal activity occurred.

Joe Chin and Britt, my defacto #1 team are investigating the morgue because who else is going to have balls enough to investigate the morgue? Who I ask you? Phantom? Luke? Britt calls Joe Chin his good friend….Britt, I like you and all but I think that's kind of a reach, don't you. It should be noted that the Italian Sausage is gone. Someone has obviously pilfered it. Let's see who gets a tummy ache later. They get a sound and I swear I heard Britt say "It sounded like there was a gay man in here." Not that there's anything wrong with that. Something came from the morgue that grabbed both their attention. Britt's sneak attack with the flashlight was unsuccessful. I don't know what just happened, but Britt pointed very quickly and there was very dramatic music so it must be big enough for…

COMMERCIALS.

If they're just going to demolish the place, they should scrap all those air conditioners for a little loose coin. Britt saw something move from one side to another that's why he got all pointy and stuff. Maybe they are hoping Joe Chin will go nuts and demolish the property with his fists of fury, thus saving tens of thousands of dollars for the city. Because this is Britt and Joe Chin, they go after the shadow. The shadow is hiding from Joe Chin. Wouldn't you? Guess what Joe Chin and Britt don't do? They don't rewind the tape.

Clown Team is still on the second floor. Damn, the girls are getting completely ignored. We pick it up with noises going on all around us. I really wish it was just random circus music. Steve puts a directional mike pointing towards the area where the sounds are coming from. Tango asks ghost in an insane asylum if they are crazy. We get brief spooky music making me think something is going to happen. Nothing happens. They are going to wrap things up and move on, but Steve has an odd delayed reaction to the microphone having been moved. I say odd because he shines his flashlight on the upside down tray, reaches down and grabs it before noticing the mike isn't on it anymore. I would think you would notice that the moment you light it up. However, I am not in complete darkness like they are, so I guess I begrudgingly give them the benefit of the doubt. Steve questions his sanity. Welcome to my world, Steve. Tango is quick to say that doesn't prove anything is paranormal.

Kris and Joe Chin are on the second floor because well, Joe Chin gets all the ladies. On second thought, if I ever met Joe Chin, my girlfriend is staying at home. Kris is rocking the wavy hair today as opposed to the straighter hair I prefer. They keep hearing noises and Kris uses her potty mouth that she has been sporting this season. Joe Chin even gets beeped out. When he hears that, I guarantee Pilgrim Films will have one less censor.

Alpha Team are in building three for about two seconds before getting a disembodied voice.

COMMERCIALS.

Why is there a random arts and craft project hanging out in a long abandoned hospital. Instead of immediately rewinding the tape like junior high boys who saw their first glimpse of boob in an R-rated film, they actually try to keep the spirit talking. There you go boys, you do remember some stuff.

Grant tries to do a confessional, but is all interrupted by weird sounds and stuff. It should be noted that he controls himself and does not break out the dreaded F word. Frick. Jason and Grant decide to go all rogue ghost hunter and go towards the sounds. They get nothing. They need a drink. Jason makes a note to say non-alcoholic. I think he thinks Ghost Hunters is a kid's variety show. Oh wait, sometimes it is.

They put Britt in a helmet cam because if it looks stupid and is a big failure, he's not a show regular (or on GHI) so it doesn't matter. Grant doesn't seem too happy about the helmet cam. I have mixed feelings about it. Everyone else seems to want it, so that's probably why Pilgrim Films wants it. Grant says they never have investigators investigate alone – even though they do it all the time. Maybe he means without even a camera guy. Britt says that he volunteered for the helmet cam. Hmmm… I don't hate the helmet cam, but I don't love it either. I guess I could see where it would come in handy. Britt says he is hearing voices….and he finds Steve and Tango. I guess that would explain that.

Chic Team is in building three. Kris would never be caught dead in a helmet cam. She is too cool for school. They are hearing something. Welcome to the show Amy. Way to make your first ghost hunting appearance 37 minutes in. They are hearing all the same noises everyone else has all night. Maybe Amy ate the Italian Sausage and spent the first part of the show in the restroom. Until something better comes along, that's what I'm going with. Spooky stuff must be happening because they are whispering and the spookiest of the spooky music is playing.

The noises they were hearing was the blinds blowing in the wind. They decide not to tell anyone about that experience. Do you think they realize this is being recorded for national television? It's weird how hard those blinds were blowing in the wind when just about ten minutes earlier, Grant noted that it's not a very windy night.

Clown Team are in the morgue escaping from the Swine Flu. Tango wastes not time getting in the body freezer because if a ghost is hanging out, for sure they would want to hang out in the freezer. Here's the great surprise – STEVE JOINS HIM IN THE FREEZER! Oh, those Pilgrim Film guys! You see, they tricked us into thinking that only Tango was going into the freezer, but Steve…Steve went into the freezer with him! I'm going to have to keep my eye on those tricky SOBs. So let me get this straight, Steve is scared of heights, planes, spiders, books, pretty girls and oxygen, but has no problems crawling into a dark confined space where literally thousands of dead bodies lay before him. And he has the nerve to call the former residents of this hospital mentally challenged. Either that or he just spotted an opportunity to get close to Tango and make it look like it's all part of the show. There must be no Swine Flu in the fridge because they took their masks off. Now I know why Steve got in there – he wants to bang on stuff.

Wrap up.

That was the most haunted episode of Ghost Hunters ever? Did they reboot the series and act like Seasons 1-4 never happened?


The Analysis
Steve is excited because he gets to do stuff with Tango. Steve is sporting TAPS shirt #78: logo into birds. Tango has on #103: Spooky Blue. Tango gets a weird EVP. They clean it up, but it sounds the same to me. By the way, they have the Skull Candy sponsored earphones today. They got an EVP from the freezer which sparks Tango to get the crazy eyes and announce the only way that could happen was if someone was laying in there with them.

The Findings
Now I know why this is the most haunted episode ever. This stupid segment makes a comeback. So now it's Tango, Steve, Jason, Grant and Kris with straight hair. No Amy. Shot out of order, are we? They got some sort of heat anomaly. Jason thinks something steps in front of it. I can't really tell. They play the EVP we already here. One of the cameras gets moved around quite a bit, even picked up in the air before being dropped on the ground.

The Reveal
They tell of all the personal experiences. They keep telling about all the personal experiences. Really, that's all they're doing. Of course there are accompanying videos. They play the one messy EVP. They show the thermal of the heat anamoly. They can't tell if the heat thing is moving down the hall or something in front of them moves to block it. They play the whispering in the fridge unit. They're saying it's not clear enough to decipher what is being said even though the production crew has put subtitle to tell us what was said. They show him the haunted camera footage.

Status: Haunted. SCARIEST EPISODE EVER!

How long did this episode run? My DVR kicked off before cartalk or even before they left the table. Oh well. You know there was a fistbump in there somewhere.

Fin.

Overall: I can definitely without a doubt say that this was the most OVER-HYPED episode EVER! A few EVPS and a haunted camera may make for an interesting episode, but certainly not the scariest ever as promised. Aside from that, it wasn't a bad episode. It had an early Ghost Hunters feel about it. I'm not sure where they are going with the helmet cam, but something tells me that it wasn't their idea.

On the season as a whole, this is not what they needed after the Halloween fiasco. Not that any amount of damage control would have been golden, but I think they need a string of solid episode in which to build a new foundation. Instead, all we got was that they hardly ever declare anything haunted and instead say "there are signs of paranormal activity" which does nothing to help anyone. On the plus side, Tango and Steve have been toned down to tolerable levels. I like Britt and what he brings to the team. He seems to be the only team member with a forward thinking process. They don't seem as tired (unmotivated at times, maybe). They're not looking for the first place to sit down and sleep through the investigation anymore. On the annoying side, Kris's EVP sessions have taken a bratty turn for the worst. I don't know if she is trying to provoke, but it doesn't come off that way. Amy has really done nothing but felt things in her hair and take up giggling sessions with Kris. She hasn't been put in a position to do anything, just in a position to be there. I could write all night about the K-II meter and little things that could be done to make the show better.

I am hoping an extended break will bring more, bigger improvements and maybe give TAPS time to recharge their batteries a little.

Until GHI in July, I say Boo!