The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 05.12.09: Issue #59 - Cyborg Soldier

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 05.12.2009

"Cyborg Soldier" (2008)

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #59: "Cyborg Soldier" (2008)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that's never killed an octopus with a wooden cooking spoon (or a metal spatula for that matter), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column , and I am your your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number fifty-nine, I take a look at the 2008 sci-fi action flick "Cyborg Soldier."

Cyborg Soldier


"Cyborg Soldier," directed by John Stead, is one of that low key, low budget made in Canada sci-fi action flicks that's just impossible to dislike. Oh, sure, you may not end up liking it as much as me, a devoted sci-fi action B-movie nerd (would I be doing this column if I hated these kinds of movies?), but you will most likely say after watching it, "Hey, that's wasn't too bad. And Kelly Kapowski there, she's still kind of hot."

"Kelly Kapowski," of course, is Tiffani Thiessen, the former Tiffani Amber-Thiessen of "Saved by the Bell" fame (she also did a long stint on "Beverly Hills 90210," but I hated that show more than I hated "Saved by the Bell," so I tend to remember Thiessen more for her longing for Mark Paul Gosselaar's Zack Morris than for whatever the hell she did on "90210"). Thiessen, looking, obviously, much older and heavier (and in my opinion, hotter) is small town Sheriff's Deputy Lindsey Reardon, who, while watching the back roads for speeders (the only thing she actually clocks at speed on the road, though, is a tractor), watches a strange man run out of the woods and onto the side of the road. The strange man, dressed in black military fatigues, refuses to answer any questions, like why were you in the woods, how did you get out here, and why are you running? When she finds out whom the strange man is and what's really going on, she wishes that she never got curious.

The strange man, named Isaac (Rich Franklin), is an escapee from a nearby secret military lab run by a man named Simon Hart (Bruce Greenwood). Isaac, stone faced, unemotional, is all about getting as far away from the secret military lab as possible. He takes Lindsey with him when a van full of mean and nasty, black clad mercenary type thugs show up and start shooting. The mercenaries, led by the bald hulk Mr. Beck (Kevin Rushton), attempt to lay waste to Isaac with high powered machine guns. Isaac goes down after taking a dozen or so shots to the body, but then he gets right back up (yes, that's what I said. He gets right back up) and shoots back. See, this strange military lab escapee named Isaac isn't exactly a man, at least in the traditional "human" sense. Instead, Isaac is an experiment, a humanesque weapon created by Simon Hart from DNA whathaveyous and assorted classified nano technology. "Isaac" isn't even Isaac's real name (that's classified until the end of the movie); Isaac actually stands for Intuitive Synthetic Autonomous Assault Commando. Isaac is also the only Isaac Hart created, so it's imperative that he get Isaac back.

So, for the bulk of the movie, it's Isaac and Lindsey on the run from Mr. Beck and his van of killers, with Hart attempting to supervise the search and capture mission while also dealing with a government troubleshooter named Janice Fraser (Wendy Anderson), who is in town investigating what it is Hart is actually doing with the money he's been given for research and why his big hooha experiment has gone missing.

Now, the relationship between Isaac and Lindsey is key to the movie's success. Rich Franklin, in his acting debut (he's a UFC fighter, I believe), does a great job being stoic, emotionless, and physically intimidating. He's sort of doing a more subdued Olivier Gruner in "Automatic" here, and despite his essential lack of acting experience he pulls off the Isaac character with ease. Thiessen does her usual decent enough job while also doing most of the heavy lifting acting stuff for the two. It's great when she says something to him and he just stares at her. It's also great towards the end of the movie, when the mystery behind who and what Isaac really is is revealed and Thiessen's Lindsey is there to provide a kind of guidance to Isaac's massive shock. What's surprising to me, though, is the total lack of sexual tension between the two. Usually, in a movie like this, there'd at least be a small sense of sexual whatevers between Isaac and Lindsey because the movie would have to end with them kissing and at least an implication that they're about to or will eventually have sex. That doesn't happen here. In another way, it's just like "Automatic" (a movie you really need to see if you haven't already), as in that movie there was zero sexual tension between Gruner's J269 and Daphne Ashbrook's Nora Rochester yet the movie succeeds.

Now, the flick's name "Cyborg Soldier" is a bit of a misnomer since the Isaac character isn't a cyborg, at least in the usual sense in that he's not a robot. Yes, Isaac is enhanced by technology, including nano technology, which I guess is sort of robotic, but Isaac isn't a Terminator or a Robocop or even a cyborg from the "Cyborg Cop" franchise. Isaac is really just an enhanced super soldier type thing. But I understand why the movie is called "Cyborg Soldier." "Cyborg Soldier" sounds cool.

Bruce Greenwood is excellent as Simon Hart, as he just oozes sleaze and low key menace as the devoted military scientist that wants the world to know what he has accomplished with Isaac. When Hart decides to up the ante and give Mr. Beck's mercenary thugs carte blanche to start killing people, you just absolutely hate him. Great job, Bruce. And Kevin Rushton is decent as Mr. Beck. He's a big, bad ass bald thug with a mean streak. You'll really like the way he gets it in the end.

And then there's Wendy Anderson as the government troubleshooter Janice Fraser. She's okay as Fraser, although she isn't given much to do until the end of the movie. I would have liked to have seen more from her character. Just how concerned is the government about this experiment?

I also want to mention the music by Ryan Latham. It's some of the best low budget movie music I've heard in a long time. It's low key, it's haunting, and you'll probably start humming it when the movie is over. I did.

I'd love to see a sequel to this movie, and I'd like to see more from Rich Franklin in the future, as he's got a definite place in the low budget action movie world once he's done with his UFC career. He'd be a great future opponent for Olivier Gruner (or, heck, even a future Olivier Gruner, as Gruner won't be around forever).

Go ahead and check out "Cyborg Soldier." It's a good, decent, fun movie that you won't hate. You just won't.

So what do we have here? Trees, flashes of a human skeleton for some reason, very cool opening titles music, gratuitous military lab breach, gratuitous Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, gratuitous Tiffani Amber-Thiessen as a small town cop using a speed gun on a tractor, a speeding black SUV, gratuitous Bruce Greenwood, gratuitous van full of heavily armed black clad mercenary thugs, gratuitous Rich Franklin, gratuitous Rich Franklin running on the side of the road, fluid rock climbing, machine gun blasts to the chest, gratuitous bullet proof vest hooey, some sad character back story, gratuitous hooey about nano technology, cops investigating a bunch of spent shell casings, misogyny, gratuitous pseudo cyborg removing bullets from his body with a knife, gratuitous flashbacks, a car key with a rabbit's foot keychain, gratuitous helping a woman on the side of the road, kid helping, gratuitous Frankenstein's monster mention, night driving, diner menu reading, gratuitous Rich Franklin drinking a bottle of sugar, cop beating, police car shooting, gratuitous .50 caliber sniper rifle with exploding rounds, guard rail destruction, gratuitous car falling off a cliff in slow motion, cop killing, gratuitous religious medal hooey, gratuitous mentioning of Christianity, gratuitous Bruce Davidson taking pills with a can of soda, door breaking, computer snooping, Bruce Greenwood whining about his personal legacy, people hanging out in a cemetery, face slapping, a man fighting a woman, wrist breaking, sliding a gun across the table, woman on woman fight, bullet to the head, point blank stomach shooting, gratuitous Steve Seagal knife fighting, combat knife to the eye, electrocution, a massive explosion caused by grenades attached to a bunch of gas tanks, and a final tombstone message.

Best lines: "Hey, there, how ya doing?," "I'm running," "I need your weapon," "And somebody change that flat tire!," "My name is Isaac," "Well, that is most unfortunate," "Do you have another container of oil?," "The mission is everything," "She's a woman! In charge! Do you trust her?," "We built an analog soldier for a digital world," "What is Jesus? You speak with him a lot. Is he dead, too?," "When I'm finished repairing myself, I'll require food," "Did you locate food?," "Why are there heads on the wall?," "Kudos Mr. Beck," "Lindsey. What? I was using your name," "I'd like page 2, Dolores. What do you want on page 2? Everything," "Hey, I've got a coat like that!," "Find the freaking key Dunn!," "Gimme the fifty!," "Oh, fuck," "You show me any war that excluded the names of men with families," "Do you know who you are? That information is classified," "I have no memories. I have no memories," "For a scientist you're awfully stupid," "Simon Hart, nice to meet you," "You're fast. Yes I am," "Your programming won't allow you to self destruct," and "He sacrificed what he was for what he would become."

Rating: 8.5/10.0

***

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"Cyborg Soldier"

Rich Franklin- Isaac
Tiffani Thiessen- Lindsey Reardon
Bruce Greenwood- Simon Hart
Wendy Anderson- Janice Fraser
Kevin Rushton- Beck
Aaron Abrams- Dr. Tyler Voller
Jim Annan- Matt Larkin
Kyra Harper- Delores
Directed by John Stead
Screenplay by John Flock, Christopher Warre Smets, and John Stead
Distributed by First Look International
Rated R for violence
Runtime- 84 minutes
Buy it here