Misunderstood Masterpieces 6.02.09: The Rundown
Posted by Will Helm on 06.02.2009
...or, The Rock and Stifler Join Forces for Adventure . . . and It's Thankfully Not Southland Tales
Throughout the years, the Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, Vincent K. McMahon, has been called many things: wrestling innovator, business genius, overblown carny, smut peddler, and so on. Though many of these epithets would not necessarily be found on his résumé, one of the more interesting entries is "film producer." Though his father, Vincent J. McMahon did appear in a film – in the original The Wrestler, Vince McMahon was more content to work behind the scenes, beginning with the 1989 Hulk Hogan vehicle/basis for a SummerSlam main event, No Holds Barred.
Like the wrestling business itself, McMahon's film-making aspirations foundered in the early- and mid-'90s. In fact, it wasn't until another wrestler, who, like Hulk Hogan, possessed a surplus of crossover appeal burst onto the scene that McMahon's cinematic inclinations returned, that wrestler being the "3rd-generation superstar" Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. As the grandson of wrestling legend "High Chief" Peter Maivia and the son of superstar Rocky Johnson, "The Rock" had a legitimate pedigree to go along with his good looks and unbridled charisma and so became, after a few missteps, one of the biggest stars of McMahon's World Wrestling Federation (later "World Wrestling Entertainment" after the company lost a fight with a panda).
With the combination of Johnson's appeal and the rampant popularity of wrestling in the late '90s and early 2000s, Hollywood came calling for this young blue chipper, culminating in a small role in The Mummy Returns. McMahon, perhaps whetted by the success of the film, decided to make a triumphant return to cinema, christening WWE Films as his company's imprint. Wisely, this division cashed in on Johnson's popularity and his connection to the Mummy franchise by co-producing a spin-off prequel, The Scorpion King, featuring Johnson in the title role.
As The Scorpion King did indeed turn a profit, McMahon and WWE Films continued to ride on the shoulders of their rock, so to speak, leading to another foray to the silver screen, this time putting Johnson in a modern adventure alongside two of Hollywood's hottest young talents, Sean William Scott and Rosario Dawson. Though the film was originally titled "Helldorado" and then "Welcome to the Jungle," the final name for the movie is The Rundown, released in 2003. Though its predecessor was a box-office success, The Rundown didn't share in that glory, as the film failed to turn a profit in theaters, despite having a cast of bigger Hollywood heavyweights. How is it that the self-proclaimed "Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment" failed at the box office with this film? Could it be that The Rundown is just an average action flick with no saving graces, or is it something more . . . perhaps a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
The initial strike against the film occurs before the credits even roll as the first voice heard in the film isn't Johnson's, Scott's, or Dawson's, but that of celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse, who explains to the viewer the importance of porcini mushrooms in cuisine. Because this is what the average action-movie viewer cares about, evidently. Apparently, however, Johnson does care, or, at least, his character, Beck – or, as I shall refer to him, "The Beck," does, as he scrawls down notes about these fancy fungi. I suppose later I'll find out just what The Beck is cooking.
After the culinary lesson, The Beck steps from his car and meets with some scrawny guy, who's got an invitation to a private party for The Beck, as it seems The Beck has some work to do there. Ooh . . . does a smackdown have to be laid on someone? First, however, The Beck has a run-in with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who's at the party for no reason . . . unless it's a Republican fête. Watching from a balcony, The Beck spies a bevy of football players sitting together in the VIP Lounge – which thankfully isn't in the middle of a wrestling ring; Montel Vontavious Porter is a sad panda now. Before getting to work, The Beck channels long-time wrestling announcer Jim Ross and breaks down the collegiate backgrounds of each of the football players, accompanied by XFL clips. Oh, Vince; I guess you needed to get some money from that failure somehow, eh?
After describing in detail each of the football players, The Beck rudely interrupts their party because it seems that one of their number has some outstanding wagers which The Beck must collect. Unfortunately, the debtor isn't receptive to The Beck, so he shares his drink with The Beck's face and sends The Beck on his way. In the club's bathroom, The Beck regroups and calls someone for advice; once the call finishes, The Beck confronts the football player again and, just to show that he means business, pummels some hapless security guards, even busting out a Rock Bottom . . . Rock Bottom . . . By Gawd Rock Bottom on one. Although wouldn't it be, in this case, a "Beck Bottom"? After dispatching the security guards and even the debtor's fellow players, The Beck hits his quarry with a turntable and steals his championship ring, which is collateral on the debt.
His job now finished, The Beck strides triumphantly out of the club and into the opening credits, after which, outside, some Australian guy shoots The Beck with beanbags and steals the ring for no reason . . . unless he's actually Gollum and the championship ring is his "precious." Nonplussed by this brutal assault with children's toys, The Beck later visits his boss (William Lucking) intent on quitting this dirty collection business. The Beck's boss has other ideas, however, as he has one more job for The Beck: The Beck has to travel to the Amazon to find the boss' son, Stifler (Scott), because, apparently, Stifler is in trouble with someone. Just to sweeten the deal, Stifler's dad throws in $250,000 as payment on returning Stifler, so The Beck has no choice but to agree.
Sometime later, The Beck flies into the Amazon with a crazy, unintelligible pilot (Ewen Bremner). After the crazy pilot uses the plane to scare some cows from the runway, he and The Beck land and then they drive off into the jungle, while the crazy pilot provides exposition along the way. Meanwhile, in town, Stifler gives a HOT CHICK bartender (Dawson) some flowers. Though the flowers are a nice touch, she's not into Stifler's affection, especially because he just loves her for her boat, which he needs to borrow. The HOT CHICK bartender, as wise as she is a HOT CHICK, elects to offer Stifler a deal, as he's going to use the boat to procure some riches from deep in the wild.
Outside of town, The Beck and the crazy pilot visit a labor camp, which is run by Evil Uncle Rico (Jon Gries) and Christopher Walken! OK, nobody told me Christopher Walken is in this; that should be enough to make it a Misunderstood Masterpiece as it is. For completeness' sake, though, I'll finish with the proceedings. After The Beck and the crazy pilot make their way into the compound, The Beck meets with Christopher Walken and asks him about Stifler; Christopher Walken, meanwhile, is more interested in bragging about his strip mine and using strange analogies, which dovetail into an oddly timed soliloquy. I guess that means Christopher Walken is the villain for this picture, only because oddly timed soliloquies = evil.
After his meeting with Christopher Walken and Evil Uncle Rico, The Beck tells the crazy pilot to skedaddle back to the airport, but not before The Beck borrows the crazy pilot's Jeep to finish his mission. To that end, The Beck drives off into town looking for Stifler, but he finds the HOT CHICK bartender instead and they trade barbs over nuts. The literal kind, not the figurative kind, perverts. Of course, it appears that Stifler believes it to be the latter type of nuts, as he rudely interrupts the debate upon exiting from the bathroom, which leads to a chat between him and The Beck. It follows, then, that The Beck and Stifler scuffle, but the fracas ends quickly when The Beck slaps some cuffs on Stifler. Before The Beck can haul Stifler back to the U.S., though, Christopher Walken busts in and tells The Beck that he wants Stifler to find the "treasure" that's hidden in the jungle for him, but Stifler's too busy arguing with Evil Uncle Rico to care while The Beck responds by fighting Christopher Walken's guards.
The ensuing melee allows The Beck and Stifler to escape, but, all the while, they argue, bickering to the point where Stifler drives the Jeep off a cliff! Oh well; I guess the movie's over. Or not, as The Beck and Stifler survive a long tumble down a sheer cliff face, landing in a lake, remarkably not dead . . . even after the Jeep nearly falls on them as well. Once The Beck and Stifler regain their composure, Stifler attempts to escape again, but The Beck catches him and they fight, which doesn't turn out well for Stifler, as, even though The Beck is in a weakened condition, he still punches Stifler into submission. Stifler, realizing he's been bested by a superior combatant, tries to make a deal with The Beck, but The Beck isn't receptive to Stifler's offer.
Back in town, Christopher Walken sends Evil Uncle Rico out to find The Beck and Stifler with the power of bizarre metaphors, because he wants REVENGE! Evil Uncle Rico, in turn, sends his troops out into the jungle on a search mission, perhaps just to prove that he's good a delegating; that is an important managerial skill. Meanwhile, somewhere in the jungle, Stifler asks The Beck about his love of martial arts and the fact that The Beck doesn't use a gun, to which The Beck responds vaguely. I guess the screenwriters didn't think enough of this IMPORTANT PLOT POINT to flesh it out more. Oh well.
After the short interrogation, Stifler and The Beck argue about urination, which leads to Stifler having a fake seizure while trying to get his junk out of his pants, which The Beck helpfully unzipped beforehand. While Stifler relieves himself, The Beck gets caught in a snare and Stifler, who somehow got his junk back in his pants even though he's handcuffed, mocks him . . . until Stifler gets caught in another snare as well. After a few moments of bickering, The Beck and Stifler join forces in an attempt to escape their bonds, but, before they can stage a JAILBREAK, a horde of monkeys appears out of nowhere to attack . . . and rape The Beck's face. Umm, OK.
Eventually, after the primates have finished having their way with The Beck, he and Stifler are rescued by some guerrillas, who are apparently friends with Stifler. After the guerrillas take The Beck and Stifler back to their camp, Stifler tells the guerrillas – who are currently feuding with Christopher Walken – that The Beck is one of Christopher Walken's agents. Therefore, The Beck is forced into a fight with the rebels' diminutive leader (former child martial-arts star Ernie Reyes, Jr.). Though The Beck certainly holds an advantage in size and strength, the rebel leader's speed counteracts those qualities to knock out The Beck early. Somehow, though, the knockout transforms The Beck into über-Beck, who takes out a few of the rebels until a standoff occurs, which is broken up through the intervention of the rebels' true leader: the HOT CHICK bartender!
After the TENSION settles, the rebels, The Beck, and Stifler settle down to dinner, where the HOT CHICK bartender provides exposition while The Beck chats with the rebels' second-in-command – whom The Beck fought earlier – about boxing. Later, just as the HOT CHICK bartender infers that she wants Stifler . . . for something, Christopher Walken and Evil Uncle Rico arrive to break up the party, sending the guerrillas – as well as Stifler and The Beck – fleeing into the jungle. Eventually, The Beck, Stifler, and the HOT CHICK bartender end up escaping together on the river, much to Christopher Walken's displeasure, since he still wants REVENGE!
The next morning, The Beck, Stifler, and the HOT CHICK bartender all mope, since they're the only ones left, apparently. Eventually, the HOT CHICK bartender breaks the silence by telling Stifler that she wants his treasure and the argue about it until The Beck mediates a compromise. Later, on the way to claim Stifler's treasure, the HOT CHICK bartender asks The Beck about his history; perhaps rather than have to bring up his days as Flex Kavana, The Beck deflects the question and the HOT CHICK bartender admits that she admires him anyway. Oh yeah, she wants him.
Deep in the jungle, Stifler, rather than continue searching for the treasure, decides to go for a swim, much to The Beck's chagrin. Of course, it's all a ruse, as Stifler leads The Beck and the HOT CHICK bartender to a cave hidden behind a waterfall; unfortunately, the discovery isn't accompanied by the appropriate musical cue from The Legend of Zelda. Once inside the cave, Stifler nearly blows up the search party and then, after the conflagration, the trio has to fend off a trap that only Stifler can decipher. Once Stifler figures out the puzzle, he claims his treasure: the Incan Championship Trophy! The trio then leaves hastily as the tunnel collapses; thankfully, Belloq isn't waiting outside for them.
That evening, around a campfire, The Beck, Stifler, and the HOT CHICK bartender argue over what to do with the Incan Championship Trophy. After yet another compromise is made, the HOT CHICK bartender feeds The Beck and Stifler some trippy fruit and, after they are incapacitated, she steals the Incan Championship Trophy. The next morning, The Beck awakens from his catatonic stupor to find yet more monkeys waiting to rape his face. Before the primates can violate him, however, The Beck snaps out of his incapacitation and fights off the monkeys.
Eventually, The Beck and Stifler make it back to the airstrip, where the crazy pilot scolds The Beck about wrecking his Jeep before providing some exposition, revealing that Christopher Walken captured the HOT CHICK bartender and now he has the Incan Championship Trophy as well. The Beck, proving that he is a good soul for a bounty hunter, elects to eschew returning Stifler to his father and, instead, goes on a rescue mission to save the HOT CHICK bartender, and he's even nice enough to take Stifler with him.
Over at the labor camp, Christopher Walken yells at the HOT CHICK bartender until he finds out that The Beck and Stifler have overrun one of his outposts and The Beck has an ultimatum for him. Christopher Walken, believing to have the upper hand in this situation, laughs off The Beck's offer, so The Beck swears REVENGE! Later, while Christopher Walken's troops wait for The Beck to arrive, Evil Uncle Rico plays the harmonica. Perhaps seeking to harmonize with Evil Uncle Rico, the crazy pilot then appears out of nowhere playing the bagpipes, mystifying Christopher Walken. The crazy pilot then exclaims an unintelligible monologue heralding the arrival of The Beck, but, instead, a stampede runs through the labor camp, scattering Christopher Walken's troops.
In the aftermath of the stampede, The Beck and Stifler infiltrate the camp, while Evil Uncle Rico takes the Incan Championship Trophy and the HOT CHICK bartender into his custody. Eventually, Christopher Walken's troops pin down Stifler and The Beck, so The Beck once again transforms into über-Beck, this time armed with shotguns! Now apparently a gun-toting psycho, The Beck blasts away at any and all of Christopher Walken's troops that he can find, and then, for good measure, he knocks down a snipers' platform with his bare hands.
While The Beck singlehandedly tears up the camp, Stifler confronts Evil Uncle Rico and stops him from escaping with the Incan Championship Trophy and the HOT CHICK bartender. Meanwhile, The Beck, now tired of using the shotguns, fights a trio of whip-armed henchmen and, remarkably, defeats them as well. Finally, Christopher Walken, perhaps disappointed in his troops' performance, decides to take matters into his own hands and he confronts The Beck, but The Beck easily disarms Christopher Walken, evening the odds. While Stifler rescues The Beck from a sniper and then walks off wit the Incan Championship Trophy, the guerrillas surround Christopher Walken and shoot him in the arms a couple times. Evidently, this is enough to make Christopher Walken give up his strip mine, as he tries to flee the scene before dropping dead moments later.
With Christopher Walken's tyranny ended, Stifler, who stuck around anyway, gives the Incan Championship Trophy to the HOT CHICK bartender, who's apparently now queen of the guerrillas. The Beck, unmoved by the sentiment, decides to take Stifler back to Los Angeles anyway, because he wants his $250,000. Once in Los Angeles, The Beck, with Stifler in tow, visits his boss, who beats up Stifler a bit and then tells Stifler that he has to go to Chicago to get killed or something like that. The Beck, meanwhile, is apparently unconcerned, as he finally quits the businesses to open up a restaurant, but, beforehand, he feeds Stifler's dad – as well as two hapless henchmen – some of the HOT CHICK bartender's trippy fruit and, with Stifler's dad and the hapless henchmen subdued, The Beck releases Stifler . . . and they still argue as they escape to the closing credits.
It's honestly really hard to fathom just why The Rundown failed at the box office. Though not a spectacular film, it's certainly a decent action flick – albeit, supposedly, a very loose remake of Midnight Run. In addition, the cast does well with the material, as Johnson is his charismatic, quirky best here, though that is true of most of his roles. As well, Scott, though often grating in other roles, provides just enough comic relief to serve as a proper foil for Johnson's ever-present coolness; Dawson is much more than a one-dimensional HOT CHICK; and it's even got Christopher Walken, for crying out loud. Even Peter Berg's direction is sufficient, despite a very annoying high-tech styled pre-credits sequence – with the aforementioned XFL clips. The only possibility for the disappointing revenue is the film getting swallowed up by a packed October film docket, as it was followed, in quick succession, by School of Rock, Kill Bill, Vol. 1, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, all of which usurped The Rundown at the box office's top spot in successive weeks. As such, The Rundown is more a victim of box-office scheduling than lack of quality and, for that, it truly is a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as the saga of WWE Films continues with contemporary wrestling's answer to The Rock starring in an action film of his own. See you then!
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