Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that's thinking about buying a dune buggy for no reason beyond being able to truthfully announce to random people on the street, "Hey, I own a dune buggy," The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number sixty four, I take a look at the 2007 super Canadian horror comedy flick "Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer," featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund.
Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
"Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer" is one of those horror comedies that tries very, very hard to be a cult movie, and for the most part succeeds. Directed and co-written by Jon Knautz, the flick features copious amounts of practical special effects, including some very cool, for the lack of a better description, rubber monsters, and plenty of blood. What it doesn't have, though, is a well rounded story to match those special effects.
The movie stars Trevor Mathews as Jack Brooks, a troubled young man with serious anger issues. When he isn't spending his days working as a plumber and his nights at night class with his flaky girlfriend Eve (Rachel Skarsten), he's with his anger management counselor Silverstein (Daniel Kash). Brooks suffered a major childhood trauma (he watched his family get killed by a monster while on a camping trip) and hasn't found a way to deal with the pain as an adult. Silverstein keeps trying new avenues of treatment (he tells Jack to exercise or do yoga), none of which Jack is interested in. By the end of the movie, he does find a way to deal with that pent up anger in a relatively healthy way (hence the flick's title), although by the end of the movie you kind of wish there was more to it.
Brooks, as an angry young man, just isn't all that interesting. He does his plumbing job, he goes to night school, he argues with his girlfriend Eve, and he goes to see his therapist. That's about it. His personal revelation at the end of the movie isn't earned (it just sort of happens), and you're likely going to ask yourself why it took oh so freaking long to get to that point. Trevor Mathews tries to make Brooks as interesting as he can, but there isn't enough character there for him to work with. Jack Brooks, even with his anger issues, is just bland.
Robert Englund, though, who plays Gordon Crowley, Jack's night class professor (he's a chemistry teacher), is excellent. Part of that is he's Robert Englund, fine character actor, and he knows how to make the most out of a part and a character, even when the movie clearly isn't all that great. The other part of that is Gordon Crowley is actually a pretty interesting character. He's a professor living alone out in the sticks, renovating an old house by himself. After asking Jack to come over and check out a plumbing problem in the basement, Crowley accidentally unleashes an ancient evil that transforms him from a mild mannered college professor that loves his dog into a wacked out weird beard monster that can't stop eating. I don't know why he can't stop eating, but he can't. Crowley also can't stop barfing, which is really disgusting but a bunch of fun to watch.
So why the heck isn't this Englund's movie? Why isn't the movie called "Professor Crowley: Hungry Blob"? Danged if I know. It probably should have been.
I did enjoy the movie's unsqueamish attitude when it comes to killing off characters, including cute kids and animals (yes, the dog dies. In fact, at least two dogs die, and probably a deer, unless that second dog is actually a deer. Either way it's two cute animals biting the dust, and you've really got to respect a movie for immediately alienating the audience like that). The bits where the background characters "become" monsters is also plenty cool, as people die and become monsters even if they don't do anything to "deserve" it.
Now, the monster make up on display here is simply awesome. Every single monster looks fabulous and is kind of scary. I'm quite thankful that Knautz and company didn't fall for that "It's always scarier when you can't see the monster" nonsense. Sometimes you need to see that monster for the movie to work. "Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer" would basically be unwatchable if the various monsters were hidden in the shadows. Kudos to the make up people on this flick (a company called Form & Dynamics according to imdb.com).
In an overall sense, I'm a bit disappointed with this movie. I mean, yeah, I kind of liked it. I like the idea, I like the special effects, and I like Robert Englund's performance. But it's still a bit of a misfire. The flick does set itself up for a sequel, which I'd like to see, despite my misgivings about this, the first movie. A sequel wouldn't have to concern itself with setting up the Jack Brooks character and show him becoming a monster slayer. Jack Brooks would already be a monster slayer. And then he could spend ninety minutes kicking some serious monster butt. Isn't that what we all want?
I know that's what I want.
I'm going to mildly recommend seeing "Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer," as it does have some good qualities. Just don't expect anything particularly special.
See it, but you've been warned.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous scared natives in Africa fighting a monster, gratuitous white guy with dreadlocks wrapping his hands like a boxer, gratuitous super Canadian accents, folding chair breaking, Kim Richards, neck biting, gratuitous "I'll go sailing," gratuitous main character going to see an anger management counselor, gratuitous night school hooey, a story about paying a guy with egg rolls, gratuitous Robert Englund, exploding sodium, one of the shortest classes in movie history, rusty pipes, sludge, a small earthquake, a big hole in the ground, gratuitous barking dog, gratuitous Robert Englund walking into a door several times, hole digging, a big ass wooden crate, a buried human skeleton, black heart eating, gratuitous old weird guy at the hardware store, gratuitous Robert Englund eating lettuce, gratuitous Robert Englund eating raw meat, gratuitous Robert Englund drinking milk, a broken scientific calculator, gratuitous Robert Englund barfing, throat punching, gratuitous Robert Englund eating a bucket of friend chicken, gratuitous monster tentacles, dog eating, gratuitous flashback involving a fat guy eating either a dog or a deer, human finger eating, reverse Kim Richards with a double barrel shotgun, dead body burying, gratuitous Robert Englund walking around with a pencil stuck to his forehead, more barfing, chest stabbing, more tentacles, ignoring a "wet floor" sign, locker hitting, gratuitous Robert Englund turning into a giant blob with teeth, a very nasty monster tongue that infects people, fat girl killing, a nasty leg wound, stool breaking, janitor eating, gratuitous lead character suiting up for battle, lead pipe hooey, face smashing, a very stiff uppercut, fat kid eating, garbage can hooey, arm biting, oxygen tank hooey, using duct tape as a band aid, tentacle killing, exploding head, axe to the chest, and going back to Africa.
Best lines: "Yeah, life was a real slice back then," "Well, Jack, what happened to the hand?," "He's yelling at me in Chinese! I don't even speak fucking Chinese!," "Now I gotta go to Wal-Mart and get a new fucking toaster!," "Table salt," "Goddamn this stuff is so fascinating," "So, how's your personal life?," "Relax, boy, there's nothing to be afraid of here," "Well, I'll be a sonofabitch! That's an ironmaster!," "Let me ask you, do you believe in monsters, boy?," "Professor Crowley, are you sick?," "I'm starving. Class dismissed!," "I don't want to go to Australia," "Christ! Almighty!," and "I think I broke my thumb"
Rating: 6.5/10.0
***
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
"Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer"
Trevor Mathews- Jack Brooks
Robert Englund- Professor Gordon Crowley
Daniel Kash- Counselor Silverstein
Rachel Skarsten- Eve
David Fox- Howard
Directed by Jon Knautz
Screenplay by John Ainslie and Jon Knautz, based on a story by John Ainslie, Jon Knautz, and Patrick White
Distributed by Anchor Bay Entertainment
Rated R for horror violence and gore, and for language
Runtime- 85 minutes
Buy it here
