Mad Ramblings of a Movie Geek 06.17.09: Sequels We'll Never See

Posted by Jordan Bruns on 06.17.2009

And thank God for that...

Welcome to another edition of Mad Ramblings of a Movie Geek! This week I present to you a parody of sorts. Since we've seen so many movie franchises resurrected after long absences, and some just go on and on, I thought it would be fun to offer some of my own ideas for belated follow-ups. Should any of these ideas actually come to fruition, not only will moviegoers be calling for the heads of certain filmmakers, but I'll become convinced that Hollywood is reading my column and stealing my ideas. But as the old saying goes, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

The following movie ideas are nothing more than the product of a bizarre imagination. Should any of these projects see the light of day, I'm suing Hollywood. That's right, I'll sue the entire city of Hollywood…
it's still fun to pretend though, right?

This week, Mad Ramblings presents… Sequels We'll Never See…

There's a recent trend involving sequels/prequels where a movie will come out that takes place between two previous installments. What if George Lucas were to take advantage of this? Well, technically he did, and we got The Clone Wars. But what if he made another live action Star Wars movie? Let me ask my crystal ball…

Star Wars Episode 3.5: The Death of Jar Jar Binks





My Mad Ramblings
This particular installment would occur between Episodes III and IV, and would see the demise of Jar Jar Binks at the hands of Darth Vader… why? So the Jar haters can have closure, of course. Should Lucas catch the nearest seat on the remake bandwagon, I humbly offer my choice of Mickey Mouse as Darth Vader.

Now that that's out of the way, what happens when a franchise just won't die, and when the man who started it just can't seem to let well enough alone? Maybe I should ask Sylvester Stallone this question, because there's a good chance he's got something redundant in the works.

Rocky Goes to the Moon

My Mad Ramblings
Rocky Balboa was a fitting end to the saga, so I think it's safe to say we won't see the Italian Stallion going 12 rounds with the Martian King… but who's to say Sly won't jump on the prequel bandwagon and tell of Rocky's humble beginnings as a fledgling fighter under the tutelage of Liam Neeson…





Here's another franchise that just kepps coming back, whether people want it to or not…

Terminator: Running For Office

My Mad Ramblings
What if Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick ran for office? What if Michael Biehn popped up in a cameo? What if the whole thing was a publicity stunt to get Christian Bale elected to the presidency? What if the studios stopped running out of ideas? You guessed it. This is what would happen.

What if, just what if, God forbid, we were forced to endure this next horrible idea?

Police Academy: The Endless Franchise

My Mad Ramblings
Let's forego the return of Steve Guttenberg. In fact, let's forget about the entire original cast minus Michael Winslow, and only because he can make funny sounds. Instead, let's see Steve Carell lead a band of out of shape 40-somethings suffering from a midlife crisis so great that they feel burdened by the overwhelming desire to join the police force. Then let's the movie industry implode due to its own stupidity.

Now let's do a cross-over film, since those seem to be working so well these days.

Indiana Jones vs. James Bond

My Mad Ramblings
Here we see two of the most iconic action heroes ever to grace a screen battling it out for ultimate supremacy. Then, of course, it morphs into a "buddy" flick as Indy and 007 team up to take on an army of demented paleontologists who are trying to recreate the Jurassic era. Yeah, so I guess Jurassic Park factors into the story as well.





Oh, look, here's Sylvester Stallone again, back to milk another cash cow…

Rambo: Army of One

My Mad Ramblings
Sly can continue beating dead horses with another needless sequel. This one finds Rambo single-handedly taking on the Taliban, North Korea, and pretty much every country that has a beef with the United States. It will end with him eliminating all of our enemies and becoming ruler of the world.

Remember when Mel Gibson actually used to act instead of just direct and garner negative publicity in his private life?

Lethal Weapon: Still too Old for this Shit

My Mad Ramblings
Riggs has just turned 60, and Murtaugh is in a nursing home. Leo Getz is dead because Chris Rock's character killed him. Now Rock is a corrupt cop smuggling illegal cable boxes to low income families. Just for good measure, we'll have Riggs arrest Mel Gibson for drunk driving, and Mel can go on a drunken rant about how the Lethal Weapon franchise should have ended long ago.

This next idea is the cream of the crop. It's got "lousy idea" written all over it. But with the state of the movie industry these days, that actually increases its chances of being made…

Titanic 2: Rising From the Depths

James Cameron needs the money now that he's no longer involved with the Terminator franchise. OK, the truth is I'm living in a hypothetical future where Avatar failed at the box office. So, now Cameron chooses to follow up his most famous and successful movie. It's 100 years later and a group of naïve teenagers has managed to pluck the wreckage of the Titanic from the floor of the North Atlantic. And here's the catch: it's haunted by the ghost of Billy Zane (DiCaprio wanted too much money).

This is the last, and may or may not be the least…

Jaws 5: Jaws in Love

My Mad Ramblings
Everyone's favorite Great White shark returns for one final outing, where, instead of eating innocent tourists, he sets his sights on a female companion, for mating and reproductive purposes. The underwater sequences will be done by Pixar, with Seth Rogen and Cameron Diaz providing the voices.

That's it for this week's Mad Ramblings. Love it? Hate it? Want to beat me repeatedly with a crow bar? Let me know. I welcome any and all feedback, so feed me back, please.

Until next time…