TV Rants and Raves 06.17.09: The Debut Edition

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 06.17.2009

Ranting and raving about "The Closer," "Raising the Bar," "In Plain Sight," reality shows on Animal Planet, and more, Defending David Letterman, a Strange Thought about Pat Sajak, and Todd Palin wins a very special award!

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the first official edition of TV Rants and Raves, the column that used to be called What?!! This Column!?? Why the name change? It was just time for a name change. What?!! This Column!?? lasted 161 issues, which is a little over three years worth of commentary and just general internet yahooery, which I guess isn't too shabby.

The "new" column will, more or less, focus on TV stuff (hence the title of the column). I'll occasionally talk about movies in some form (like new theatrical movies I don't do a regular review for, and I'll still be doing "Why I Love/Hate" a certain movie every now and then), but, for the most part, this will be a TV oriented column. I'll be ranting and raving about new shows, old shows, and any TV news I find interesting.

I'm excited about the newish column direction and I hope that you enjoy what's about to come and join me every week.

So, without any further ado...

TV Rants and Raves



- "The Closer" Season five premiere: Well, the fifth season premiere of the mega popular TNT cop show "The Closer" has come and gone, and I have to say that the premiere episode was kind of lackluster. In fact, aside from some fine acting from G.W. Bailey (Captain Thaddeus Harris of the Metropolitan Police Force hisself), the show felt like "just another episode." There was a crime, Deputy Chief Brenda Lee Johnson (Kyra Sedgwick) did her usual trickery and dogged pursuit to find the criminal and make said criminal confess, and that was pretty much it. The most interesting bit on the show was the stuff about her sick cat. In fact, I spent most of the show wanting to know how Brenda's marriage to Fritz (the great Jon Tenney) is working out.

You know, when your police procedural show starts losing its procedural appeal, regardless of how popular that show is, the show is in trouble. I mean, sure, this is just the first episode of the new season and things could get better. "The Closer" is a great show and I've been a fan since the beginning. But still...

I recently read a thing about Kyra Sedgwick and how she wants TNT to move the show to New York City so she can be closer to her family. The show takes place in Los Angeles and is filmed there. Now, plenty of movies have used LA as a double for New York, but I've never heard of a show using New York as a double for LA. Is this just a not too subtle announcement by Sedgwick that she's bored with the show and or wants more money?

Could be.



- Raising the Bar" Season 2 premiere: The Steven Bochco created earnest lawyer show "Raising the Bar" just started its second season on TNT as well, and I have to say that the season debut was fabulous, easily the best episode of the show so far. I'm annoyed by the whole Jerry Kellerman (Zack Morris hisself Mark-Paul Gosselaar) cutting his hair thing (what's wrong with a guy having long hair?), but at least the way the show got Jerry to cut his hair was funny.

In fact, the whole episode was funny. The earnestness was still there, the "help the poor against the system that's set up to destroy them" thing that made the show appealing in the first place, but the show's tone felt less serious. I hope the show continues along that path. I don't want to see it turn into "Boston Legal," but I'd like to see the show and its characters have a little more fun.

And I still think the show has too many characters in it. Most of the stuff with the prosecution side is boring and not as interesting as the defense side. But maybe that's just me.

I'm also wondering if Judge Kessler (Jane Kaczmarek) is going to get it on with someone else this season. Her court aide turned out to be gay, so I highly doubt she'll want him again. Will she go for an older guy, like another judge, or will she find some young stud and start banging him like she did the gay guy?



"Yeah, she probably needs to get laid. I know I do."

- "In Plain Sight": What the heck is going on with "In Plain Sight"? The last couple of episodes have been terrible. That episode that focused on Paul Ben-Victor's Stan McQueen, Mary McCormack's boss, was just awful. I don't think I've ever been more bored by a cable TV show episode in my life. I mean, sure, it can be interesting to look into the back story of secondary characters on a TV show, but that secondary character has to be interesting in the first place. Stan McQueen is not an interesting character.

That episode featuring the two black ops guys and the destroyed building was kind of stupid, too. I wanted to see a goddamn shootout at the end there. But we didn't get that. Instead, we got a quiet ending. What kind of hooey is that?

And the only good thing about that episode with the bridge builder was the part where he blew up the bridge. Everything before that was rather mundane.

So how does USA "fix" the show? Stop making McCormack's Mary Shannon a bitch. I know she's got family problems and she can't trust her sister and her mother because they're both, well, untrustworthy, but that doesn't mean Mary has to be a snarling, mean bitch every moment of every episode. Why can't she have a little more fun?

Come on, USA! Let Mary have some freaking fun once in a while!



"Oh, come on, everyone wants to look at them."

And would it kill you all if Mary got to go to the beach once or twice? In a bikini? Like her sister Brandi?



"Yeah, I know, I should be wearing a bikini, but it's cold in here."

- "Whale Wars": I'm usually not a fan of reality documentary type shows as they usually come off as completely staged and pretentious. "Whale Wars," though, doesn't come off as staged or all that pretentious. The crew of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society's big ass ship the Steve Irwin come off as a bit weird (the guy with the glasses, the thin guy that's Captain Paul Watson's, I guess, second in command, comes off as the weirdest. I guess that's what happens to you when you're just too committed to a cause and you go on TV. You end up looking like a weirdo). But their constant chasing of the Japanese whaling ships makes for good TV.

However, doing an episode all about trying to get the Steve Irwin out of an ice sheet does not make for good TV. Ten minutes? Sure. Fifteen minutes? A bit of a stretch but it could work. But the whole show? I don't think so.

And when the heck is Captain Watson going to ram that Japanese ship? They keep showing that ship ramming in the commercials and the "Next time on 'Whale Wars'," and it hasn't happened yet. Will it happen this week?



"Since when did they start putting little metal pieces in Twix bars?"

I would like to see an episode where the film crew interviews various Japanese whaling people, and then have Watson and his people bury them in a very one-sided way. It'd be unfair to the Japanese whaling people, but I bet it would make for good TV.



"We love animals. And we like to kick shit. That's what the hats are for."

- Animal Planet Animal Cop shows: I have no idea why I keep watching those "Animal Cop" shows as they're some of the most depressing shows on TV. Episode after episode, regardless of the city or region, the Animal Cops investigate all sorts of animal cruelty. Dogs, cats, pigs, birds, horses (what the hell is wrong with people in Texas that they can't take care of their fucking horses?), it doesn't matter, they're all fair game for disgusting, heart wrenching abuse.

And who are these abusers? The same people that appear on cops. Ignorant poor people. You very rarely see any rich people abusing animals, which is odd because you know they're doing it, too. The rich probably have killer attorneys that keep them off the show.

Scumbags.

I really have to stop watching these shows.

And finally,

- The return of "Still Standing" to Lifetime: Aha! "Still Standing," the great Mark Addy starring sitcom is back on the Lifetime cable network, airing each day from 5pm-6pm. Lifetime took the show off about two weeks ago (it used to be on from 6pm-7pm) and replaced it with "Less Than Perfect," that boring Sherri Shepherd- Andy Dick sitcom. It was looking like the Miller family (that's the name of the family on "Still Standing") was gone for good from the network, as it was no longer on the Lifetime schedule period. But then, for whatever reason, the show was put back on the schedule last week.

I'd like to think that I had something to do with it. I know I didn't but I'd still like to think that I, and my legions of readers, flooded Lifetime with e-mail demanding "Still Standing" return to the network. Something like that could happen in the future, couldn't it?



"I liked working in America. I got to have TV sex with her. Yeah."


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And now, the TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.



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Strange Thoughts

The following are two fairly bizarre thoughts that, for whatever reason, captivated my mind while going through the soul killing motions at my crappy day job.



"Who are you and how did you get in here?"

- Remember Dutch Gunderson, the villain from that one episode of "Police Squad!" titled "Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood)"? Of course you do. Well, there's a scene where Leslie Nielson's Frank Drebin asks Johnny the shoeshine guy for "the word on the street" and Drebin asks about Dutch. So Johnny gives Frank Dutch's early life story, how Dutch has only known a life of crime since he was a child, etc. I got to wondering, was Dutch's early life of crime filled with all sorts of spoof comedy bits, or was it a hard life that just got progressively sillier?

I'd assume that the silly stuff was always there because that's the world he and everyone else on "Police Squad!" lives in. But what if "Police Squad!" is just an anomaly in the universe, a one time moment of silliness that, once the show ended, got much more dour and serious?

If that's the case, did Dutch try to break out of the Statesville Prison at some point? Did he ever kill a guard? Did he rape Martin from the episode "Ring of Fear (A Dangerous Assignment)"?

- If Pat Sajak woke up one morning and found out that he had the ability to make a person's head explode just by thinking about it, how long do you think it would take before he used it on someone? A day? A week? A month?

I like Pat. He seems like a nice guy. I'd like to think that it would take at least a month for him to use his newfound power. He'd probably use it on some guy that cuts him off on the highway, or the guy at McDonald's that can't decide what the hell he wants. I don't think he'd use it on Vanna.

Alex Trebek? I don't know. I guess it would depend on the ratings.



"Take that you fucking Canadian!"



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Defending David Letterman



This whole David Letterman- Sarah Palin thing is just bullshit. So David Letterman made a "tasteless" joke about Palin's daughter getting knocked up by Alex Rodriguez while visiting New York City and then a joke about how lame Sarah Palin is, and suddenly it's the end of the world.

David Letterman hates young women!

He wants to rape them too!

David Letterman just hates women!

This is just the liberal media attacking a fine conservative like Sarah Palin!

If CBS fired Don Imus they should fire Letterman, too! It's only fair!

Yeah. It's only fair if you also mention the countless jokes Letterman has done about Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi being stupid, icy cold bitches, and or lesbians.

It's only fair if you mention how he and everyone else in the comedy world mocked Anna Nicole Smith, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, the Olsen twins, or Paris Hilton.

But then this whole media conflagration has absolutely nothing to do with fairness. No, this is just another example of the ultra right wing media going batshit over nonsense and the "liberal" media "reporting" on it by "looking at both sides." Why can't the "liberal" media call this bullshit for what it is, bullshit?

Because that would be unfair.

David Letterman has already apologized for the joke. He shouldn't have apologized because there was nothing wrong with it, but he's apologized and that should be the end of it.

It will never be the end of it, though, will it? Of course not. Because the right wing media will continue to shove the Palin family down the country's throat whether we want them to or not. And the Palin family itself won't go away because they like being on TV. They can't get enough of being the fake center of attention.

Letterman has lost a few sponsors because of the fake pressure. Some people are already saying that CBS will dump him over this. Imus got fired so why shouldn't Letterman?

You want to know why? Because Don Imus is an asshole. David Letterman is just a comedian.

And can these conservatives please stop the "we're only defending women here" bullshit? It's just ridiculous. No one outside of your group believes you. We already know you don't like women.

Can we now please talk about something else?

Didn't Jon and Kate just fart in a restaurant or something?

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Okay, things have changed a bit since I wrote that. Letterman apologized, again, and the Palin family accepted that apology. Will that be the end of it?

Please.

I bet Fox News is still talking about this next week.



"Now on Fox News, David Letterman still hates women. Ann Coulter will chime in on what she thinks after this."

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And now, Dr. Phil

Ha! Look at that? Dr. Phil is still an asshole.



"Hey, if I could lick my own balls I would, but I'm just not that flexible. That's what I have a dog for."

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And now, the weekly Fearnet update



Still no change on the Fearnet front. Time Warner Cable hasn't reinstated the free, 24/7 on demand horror channel. I really wish they would. I know there are oodles of you out there that feel the same way. If you haven't done so already, please check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here.

You can also go to the Fearnet.com website for all kinds of info regarding, well, everything Fearnet related.

If we keep at it, maybe Time Warner we'll listen. So, let's keep at it and get Fearnet back on Time Warner.

(Once again, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

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The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





"My name is Todd Palin, and I like being on TV. I can't keep riding snowmobiles professionally for much longer. My balls won't stop vibrating."

This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week is Todd Plain, the husband of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. It's bad enough having the entire Palin brood on TV all of the goddamn time, and while listening to Governor Palin speak about anything is its own little hell, listening to her dumbass husband may be worse. David Letterman does not want to rape your fourteen year old daughter, nor does he want to rape your older daughter. David Letterman doesn't want to rape anyone. So please, Todd, get the fuck off my TV and go back to Alaska and come back in 2012 and lose the election again. You, and your whole family, have been overexposed. You are no longer interesting. Please, just go the fuck away.



"We'll be getting a midseason sitcom. So we're not going anywhere."

Second place goes to Tom Golisano, the billionaire that recently engineered the take over of the New York State Senate. You know, it's bad enough that Tom recently changed his primary residence to Florida to avoid paying state income taxes, now he's openly using his money and influence to control one branch of a state's government. Why do we allow these rich douchebags like Golisano to run the world?

Oh, I forgot. We all want to be rich just like Tom.

Tom Golisano is what happens when you're a self made man that hates where he came from.



"Every person has his price. This is how much I spent on the New York State Senate. I bet you'll go for a third of this."

And third place goes to Dane Cook, for going on "The Tonight Show" and failing to be funny. It was the most excruciating "Tonight Show" segment since the last time Dennis Miller appeared for Jay Leno. I think Cook should be banned from "The Tonight Show" and really all shows until he proves to the world that he can be funny. Get to work, Dane. You've got five years.



"Five years? I'm fucked."

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"Jericho" Update

Well, it looks like the "Jericho" run on the CW is, in fact, over, as "Reaper" will be on this coming Sunday instead. So I guess we'll all have to wait for "Jericho" episodes to air on the Sci-Fi Channel, which I imagine will start happening soon. If you check out http://www.jericho-kansas.com/ you can learn about upcoming efforts to get "Jericho" on the new EPIX channel, which is some kind of Paramount thing.

Be sure to also check out this page of "Jericho" links where you can find all kinds of news, info, and everything else involving "Jericho."

And don't forget that you can purchase the entire "Jericho" run on DVD. Go here to buy the entire series. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

Let's keep the "Jericho" show and name and idea alive!

Long live "Jericho"!



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NASCAR and IRL Thoughts



"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Well, the NASCAR Sprint Cup race at Michigan was its usual borefest until the very end. It's sad because Michigan used to be a pretty decent track (the Indycars rock there) but for the last ten years or so the races have been lame. Now it's all about gas mileage and seeing who will run out first. That's not racing.

Although I will say it's always cool watching cheater Jimmie Johnson run out of gas with one lap to go. If that happened every race I'd be a happy, happy person. Ha.

But kudos anyway to Mark Martin for winning his third race of the year. Maybe he will be a factor at the end of the year when the Chase starts. And kudos to Juan Pablo Montoya for another top 10 finish (8th at Pocono, and 6th at Michigan). The series moves to the Sonoma road course in California this week, the track Montoya picked up his first (and so far only) Sprint Cup win two years ago. Maybe he'll get win number two this year and use that as a jumping off point for a bunch of wins this year (he'll win on an oval soon. I'm sure it will happen).



"I can still win shit."

There was no IRL Indycar race this past week, but there is a bit of news to report. Ryan Hunter-Reay has moved over to the AJ Foyt car for the rest of the season, as Reay's previous ride with Tony George's second car went away (there are rampant rumors that the Indianapolis Motor Speedway Board of Directors is trying to get George removed so he'll stop spending the Speedway's money on the IRL). That should be a good pairing, at least until AJ freaks out and throws a wrench or a laptop at Reay.

The other big news, via Robin Miller from the Speed Channel, is that Chip Ganassi might be starting up a third full time Indycar team with Danica Patrick as the driver. Patrick's contract at Andretti-Green Racing is up this year, and it doesn't look like Andretti is all that enthused with keeping her as part of his four car team (which is really stupid since she's the most visible driver in the series and she's a sponsor magnet. But then Michael Andretti's son Marco doesn't play well with Danica, so it looks like family ties matter more than anything else), so this could be a good fit for Patrick. I think the news would be cooler if Patrick was taking over the 9 car, replacing Scott Dixon as he moves to the Gil DeFerran team, but a third Ganassi car means one more car for the IRL field and that's cool with me. This arrangement also gives Patrick a way to get to NASCAR if and when she decides to do that (and she will do it eventually).



"I'm not wearing a bikini, either, because it's cold in here."

The IRL races this week in Iowa, on Sunday afternoon.

Wow. What a cool Sunday. IRL at 1pm, NASCAR at 3:30 or so.



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That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it. Hope you enjoyed the first issue of this newish column.

Be sure to check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

"Lois: Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that says "Little Slut." That seems pretty hip.

Meg: I don't know if that's really me, Mom.

Lois: Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star" and another that says "Sperm
Dumpster." And they're all written in glitter.

Meg: All right, all right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster."

Lois: That's the spirit!"

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that. I've been doing it forever now.

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Cancer sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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