The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 6.22.09: Issue #65 - Zombie Strippers

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 06.22.2009

"Zombie Strippers" (2008)

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #65: "Zombie Strippers" (2008)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that wants you to know that it's raining outside and it would probably be a good idea to close the window (you don't want a wet floor, do you?), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number sixty-five, I take a look at the low budget horror comedy from 2008, "Zombie Strippers," written and directed by Jay Lee and starring the real Freddy Krueger hisself Robert Englund.

Wow. Two issues in a row featuring movies with Robert Englund in them. How dang cool is that?

Zombie Strippers


"Zombie Strippers," much like the movie that appeared in this column last issue, "Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer," tries very hard to be a cult movie. However, unlike "Jack Brooks," "Zombie Strippers" succeeds at being both a bonafide cult movie and a bunch of fun. Written and directed by Jay Lee, "Zombie Strippers" is part comedy, part political satire, and, in the end, a pretty dang gory zombie flick.

The flick starts out with an "Escape from New York" type opening explanation of the world the movie takes place in. The United States is basically a right wing fascist dictatorship with George W. Bush entering his fourth term in office (Ahnold Schwarzeneger is his vice-president). Congress has been dissolved, the President has the authority to invade any country in the world he wants to (the U.S. military is basically at war with the entire world), and public nudity has been outlawed. With public nudity deemed illegal, strip clubs have to operate underground.

The flick then shifts to a super secret government lab that's overrun with zombies. Caused by an accident involving some kind of experiment, the zombies have the run of the place, except for a few scientists including the zombie project leader Dr. Chushfield (Brad Milne). The Pentagon sends in the "Z" Squad, a Special Forces team charged with dealing with zombies (apparently in this world zombies are an ongoing problem). The Z Squad decimates most of the zombie population in the lab, shooting and knifing the walking dead with efficient glee. One of the team, though, Byrdflough (Zak Kilberg), gets bitten by one of the zombies. He doesn't tell his fellow squad members as he knows they'll kill him (Byrdflough watches the team leader shoot a bitten scientist in the head), so he escapes into an alley and disappears.

Byrdflough, slowly changing into a zombie, ends up ducking into the Rhino Club, an underground strip club run by a wacked out pseudo clean freak named Ian (Englund). The Rhino Club is a rocking place, filled with boisterous men who love it when Kat (Jenna Jameson) shows up and dances. Kat is the lead stripper at the club, the star amongst the other strippers (Kat has a "star" shape on her dressing room door). The newest stripper at the club, young Jessy (Jennifer Holland), needs Kat's help to dance in front of men as she's never done it before. Kat tells Jessy that she basically has to suck it up and just do it because otherwise she won't. Jessy also learns from the other strippers (like the hot Goth chick Lilith, as played by Roxy Saint) that if she watches the others working she'll figure it out (Jessy also learns just how jealous everyone is of Kat).

So Kat goes up on stage after Jessy's disastrous first time to quell the rabid, pissed off crowd and is attacked by Byrdflough. After ripping a hole in her neck, Byrdflough is thrown down into the club's basement and Kat is moved backstage to try to fix her up. Ian, and the club's uber Russian Madame Blavatski (Carmit Levite), don't want the club's best dancer out of commission but have no idea how to help her. Before they can figure out what to do, Kat gets up and, in decaying zombie mode, goes out on stage and gives the best stripping performance of her life. The crowd goes freaking insane.

After the performance, Kat takes one of the men in the audience to the back for a "special encounter" and, well, eats his dick (among other things). This causes the dickless man to turn into a zombie. Ian freaks out again. Just what the hell is going on here? And what the hell is he going to do with Kat? And the dickless zombie guy?

To make a long story short, Ian decides to throw the remains of the dickless guy into the basement and allow Kat to remain alive in her undead state. Ian figures she'll make him oodles and oodles of money.

And boy is he right. Kat becomes even more popular as a zombie stripper and is the only stripper the guys want to see. Some of the other strippers, losing their spot on stage because they're still alive, decide to become zombies as well (Lilith is the first to go willingly). Pretty soon, the zombie strippers rule the roost, becoming the absolute only strippers allowed on stage. The zombie strippers continue to kill and eat men during "special backstage encounters," causing Ian and club janitor Paco (a hilarious Joey Medina) to keep putting the male customer zombies in the basement.

Eventually, the basement zombies get out, the zombie strippers start fighting one another for zombie stripper supremacy (even as zombies the strippers are incredibly competitive), and all hell and hooha breaks lose. Will the non-zombies in the Rhino Club ever get out alive?

Now, does this movie make any sense? Not really. You never really find out why the zombie strippers continue to strip and not immediately attack Ian, it's just something that happens. And you never really find out why the rabid male patrons of the club never wonder why they never see the guys that go backstage come back. And, this is the big one, why the rabid male patrons find dead and rotting zombie strippers so dang attractive. To Lee's credit, he never allows the movie to dwell on any of that stuff and keeps the goofy dialogue and characters and gruesome gore coming. He knows the movie is ridiculous and he figures that you'll figure it out pretty quickly as well. He also allows Englund to work his comic charisma to the flick's advantage.

Englund is just awesome here. His Ian the Rhino Club owner is a disgusting, racist scumbag that's in the business of making money period, and he really doesn't care how he gets it (he actually announces to the crowd that, for the right price, he'll have the strippers sit on your face, which the strippers find abhorrent. Does Ian give a hooey? Of course not). He walks around with a can of cleaning spray and yells at the girls when he thinks they're going to touch him (he thinks he'll get herpes from them). And I can guarantee you that you will laugh at the end of the movie when Ian starts wielding a shotgun. Comedy genius.

Jennifer Holland is great as the plucky, innocent new stripper Jessy. She's so different from the other cynical strippers, like Lilith and Sox (Penny Drake) in that she's game to do the job even when she's scared out of her mind. Whitney Anderson is hilarious as Gaia. And Roxy Saint is disturbingly cute as the Goth chick Lilith. I would love to see a kind of short movie video diary type thing featuring her character contemplating becoming a zombie and then, after becoming a zombie, talking about the experience. It's just weird enough to work. And, as I said above, Joey Medina is hilarious as Paco the club janitor. He deals with all kinds of shit from Ian and makes Ian think he can boss him around, but when Paco refuses to do something, like clean the blood off the walls of a "special meeting" room, you can see that Paco isn't a pushover. Paco also gets one of the better character endings in recent movie history. And Carmit Levitte is pretty dang funny as the Russian Madame Blavatski. It's the thick accent.

And then there's Jenna Jameson. I'll just say this about her performance. It's excellent in every way imaginable.

I quite enjoyed the beginning of the flick involving the lab infiltration by the Special Forces team. It's a well done sequence that easily could have been its own awesome movie (I'm always in the mood for a gory zombie movie involving soldiers killing said zombies). I definitely want to see more of the "Z" Squad in the future (please). And the zombie make up and gore effects stuff is top notch. It's gooey, it's goopy, it's gory as hell. Great, great stuff. And that final zombie stripper showdown? Classic stuff (the ping pong ball bit is a definite must see).

Now, the liberal social commentary stuff works to a certain extent. It doesn't feel tacked on but it isn't as fleshed out (ha) as it could have been. I would have liked to have seen at least once or two scenes outside of the Rhino Club where we get to see the fascist American in action. I mean, just how accepting are the strip club patrons of the fascist America outside of the club? It's not absolutely necessary to have, but it would have been nice if there was more of it. No big deal, though, only a minor quibble. And more Jim Lampley wouldn't have hurt, either.

"Zombie Strippers" is a great flick. It's funny, it's goofy, it's gory as heck, and it's just plain fun. This is what happens when you allow Robert Englund to carry a movie.

See "Zombie Strippers." See it now. See it, see it, see it.

So what do we have here? Gratuitous opening explanation of the new fascist America with narration by Jim Lampley, gratuitous Ahnold Schwarzenegger as the new Vice-President, gratuitous massive underground super secret military lab zombie attack, gratuitous special forces guy that's into knives, gratuitous explanation of the virus that causes the zombies, shotgun blast to the face that we get to see (automatic induction into the "Greatest Movie of All Time" list), soldier shooting at zombies in the dark, very cool looking body armor, exploding head, gratuitous using an EMP weapon on the zombies, hilarious joke about George W. Bush ignoring Osama bin Laden, gratuitous hot blond chick with a big ass machine gun, gratuitous underground strip club, gratuitous Jenna Jameson, gratuitous strip club manager with a thick Russian accent, gratuitous Robert Englund, a guy writing a check for a stripper after he runs out of paper money, gratuitous picture of Jesus, gratuitous multiple scenes of hot women stripping, gratuitous scenes of men acting like animals, throat ripping, gratuitous zombie strippers, dick biting with massive blood spray, a living severed head, a great mural of deer antlers, gratuitous living zombie head in a garbage bag, gratuitous zombie Jenna Jameson reading a book upside down, gratuitous hot Goth stripper, a guy in the crowd that kind of looks like pro wrestler Stevie Richards, full naked booing, jaw crushing, tongue eating, a great jawless zombie, gratuitous stupid horny men becoming zombie food and then getting thrown down a flight of stairs, gratuitous blood and eating with money montage with Robert Englund laughing the whole time, a final, bloody zombie showdown featuring a gratuitous "The Warriors" reference, dueling zombie strippers, belly gouging, arm ripping, body flinging, gratuitous zombie stripper stripper pole hurricane thing, gratuitous hilarious ping pong ball scene, gratuitous Robert Englund with a shotgun and an NRA card, a funny "Badges?" joke that goes in a different direction, "foamy Chewbacca?," a donkey in a closet, gratuitous guy wearing a sombrero, bitch slapping, top of the head eating with exposed brain, a zombie skeleton, multiple knives to the head, more exploding heads, a disgusting zombie face dance, kung fuing zombies, more exploding heads, and a funny ending.

Best lines: "I like knives," "Zombies! Shit!," "Do you see this? There are fucking zombies out there," "Sometimes I like guns," "Off the stage, asshole," "Are you kidding me? This place is more illegal than that ID," "Okay, uber sluts, we have new meat!," "Back off! Back off you walking herpie you!," "Ah, he's okay. Where the fuck is Paco?," "That's interesting. Your tongue is so dry," "Holy shit! Do I have to clean this mess up?," "Jesus fucking shit shit!," "The only problem I've got right now is Senor Illegal over here downing my booze," "Oh! Oh! This is so fucking cool!," "This is starting to creep me out," "Well, I think the spill over zombie problem has been solved," "Oh, great tits, huh?," "See? Piece of fucking cake!," "Do me a favor and hose yourself down before you come in here," "This is all your fault existential bitch!," "Suck on this you undead motherfuckers!," "We lost Paco! Fuck Paco!," "You mean you want to get laid before you die?," "Do I suck or what?," "Thanks for ruining my shirt, by the way," "Babe, you were the best," "Zombie herpes?," "Oh, Christ, what's that smell?," and "You guys should smoke more. We don't have enough kids smoking. It's just so fucking cool."

Rating: 9.0/10.0

***

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.


"Zombie Strippers"

Robert Englund- Ian
Jenna Jameson- Kat
Jennifer Holland- Jessy
Roxy Saint- Lilith
Penny Drake- Sox
Whitney Anderson- Gaia
Carmit Levite- Blavatski
Brad Milne- Chushfeld
Zak Kilberg- Byrdflough
Joey Medina- Paco
Jim Lampley- Announcer
Directed by Jay Lee
Screenplay by Jay Lee

Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment and Stage 6 Films
Unrated with strong violence and gore, sexuality/nudity and language

Runtime- 94 minutes
Buy it here