TV Rants and Raves 6.24.09

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 06.24.2009

The second edition brings you ranting and raving about "Hawthorne," "Saving Grace," "Wedding Day," "Damages," "Married...with Children," "Wipeout," "The Unusuals," and late night poker on NBC, two more Strange Thoughts, RIP Ed McMahon, the return of John Carpenter, a new Douchebag of the Week, and more!

TV Rants and Raves Issue #2

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the second edition of TV Rants and Raves, the TV centric internets column that used to be called What?!! This Column!??. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz. Ha.

Before we get into the nitty gritty of this issue's TV related hooha, I just wanted to comment on the recent passing of Ed McMahon. McMahon, who spent thirty years as Johnny Carson's sidekick on "The Tonight Show" and worked as a pitchman for various products and causes (for a while there, everyone in the world wanted Ed McMahon to show up at his or her house with a big ass check from Publishers Clearing House. I know I did), died while in the hospital likely battling multiple ailments. He was 86.



McMahon was always a great interview on "Larry King Live," and he was always funny when he showed up on TV not in pitchman mode (remember the bit he did on "The Larry Sanders Show"?). It wasn't fun being McMahon the last few years, though, as he battled the after effects of a broken neck (he couldn't work and he had to fight the bank to keep his house). The last thing I remember seeing him in was that Superbowl commercial with MC Hammer. That was pretty funny.



McMahon also, according to Joe Bob Briggs in his book "Profoundly Disturbing," was a major supporter of the porno movie "Deep Throat" in the 1970's (Briggs claims that McMahon once stood out in front of a theatre showing the movie encouraging people to see it. McMahon apparently did this while drinking a case of beer). You can totally see Ed McMahon doing that, can't you? I know I can.

Rest in peace, Ed. Say hi to Johnny for us.



"Heyoooo!"






Ed McMahon RIP 1923-2009

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This commercial is now officially depressing.

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TV Rants and Raves



- "Hawthorne" Series Premiere: This Jada Pinkett Smith starring medical drama debuted last Tuesday on TNT, and for the most part it was pretty good, bordering on decent. Pinkett Smith plays Christina Hawthorne, the head nurse at a Chicago hospital that's chock full of medical cases and people for Hawthorne to be concerned for. She fights for them. And that's pretty much all she does when she isn't dealing with her rambunctious left wing daughter or her own personal demons (Hawthorne's husband or boyfriend died. I can't remember which). Pinkett Smith is fine as the show's lead, and she's got a decent enough supporting cast working with her (Jillian Armenante, Donna from "Judging Amy," is in the cast. She's always great), so at least for now the show's watchable.

I just hope that the show doesn't veer off into the "ground breaking issues" thing that so many other star driven shows tend to want to get into. I mean, I like the whole "nurse who fights for her patients" thing, but do we really need her to fight every episode? How many times is she going to be able to fight the hospital administrators, or the board, or the city council, or whatever and not get fired? And if Christina gets fired where is she going to go? What other hospital will have her?

Why does everything have to be so dang important and groundbreaking all of the time? What's wrong with just making a solid TV show?



"I am hot. That's all I'm going to say."



"I'm hot, too. Kind of."

- "Saving Grace" Season Three Premiere": After what happened at the end of last season, with Bokeem Woodbine's Leon Cooley's execution via lethal injection, I was curious to see where exactly the show was going to go. I mean, Holly Hunter's Grace Hanadarko was linked with Leon through Earl the angel, and now Leon is dead. What is there left to do? Apparently, Grace's new job is to mentor a troubled young black woman that's caught in a world of daily violence (for some reason the young woman was hanging out with right wing gun nuts and militia terrorists that can't stop talking about "The Cohen Act," the fictional gun banning legislation from the white supremacist garbage novel The Turner Diaries, which to me makes no sense since people who "believe" in The Turner Diaries aren't likely to like black people all that much). Grace also has to deal with her partner Ham's ongoing personal issues, which probably isn't going to end well (I say that, eventually, Ham is going to kill himself because a cop hasn't killed himself on the show yet).

Now, I read somewhere that Earl is going to have to deal with a rival angel at some point this season. I don't fully understand what that means, but do you think it's possible we're going to see Earl fighting that rival angel on the top of a mountain or some other weird place? "Saving Grace" hasn't had a scene like that in a while.



"Grace, I don't like saying this, but for the love of God you smell like a men's urinal."



- "Wedding Day" Series Premiere: I've seen a few of the wedding centric shows on The Learning Channel and the We Channel (home of "Bridezillas"), so I'm familiar with the ebb and flow of these kinds of shows. No matter what, it's always a struggle to get a wedding off the ground. "Wedding Day" is a little classier than "Bridezillas," at least so far it is. It's also got better production values (Mark Burnett of "Survivor" fame is the producer, and as we've seen on his other shows, he spares no expense). It's an okay show to watch if you've got nothing else to do.



- Damages: Season 2 finale: Aha! I finally got a chance to watch the final couple of episodes of this Glenn Close starring legal drama, and all I have to say is this: what a bunch of shit. Do they really want me to believe that Close's Patty Hewes knew about the corrupt FBI investigation into her legal firm the whole time and had the U.S. Marshals investigating the FBI and the scumbag business people at the heart of the conspiracy? I was really into the show up until that moment when Ellen isn't under arrest anymore. U.S. Marshals? Come on.

And when the hell is Tate Donovan's Tom Shayes going to punch Patty Hewes in the face? Or try to kill her? I mean, yeah, Ellen had more than enough reason to want to kill Patty, but Tom, my God, he's been dealing with Patty's bullshit for much longer than Ellen. He can't have that much patience left.



"I like doing this show. It keeps me from doing a sequel to Hitman."

I did like the way Timothy Olyphant shot the scary bearded killer cop right in the head, though. I was kind of hoping for a good, knock down drag out fight between Olyphant and the bearded cop, though. Maybe Olyphant will get to do that next season against someone else.

And then there's the big hooha divorce between Patty and her husband Phil. Phil cheated on her, yes, but can you blame him? Could you live with Patty Hewes? Phil will eventually lose, though. He should have Kevin Gorrigan's drugged up wacko stock trader guy come back and stab her again.



"And I'll do it, too. I've got nothing else better to do."

Now, what's going to happen next season? Will Ellen come back to work for Patty, or will she go work somewhere else? Patty seems pretty dang sure that Ellen will come back eventually. I think she will, too. Maybe not at the start of the third season, but perhaps by the end of the third season Ellen will come crawling back. Ellen keeps saying that she admires the work Patty's firm does and the causes Patty fights for, eventhough she personally detests her. I have a feeling that that admiration will eventually lead her back to Hewes and Associates.



"Of course I'll be back. I've got like four or five more shots left."

And will Arthur Frobisher be back? Will he ever finish that wellness center thing he's building? And will he continue to screw hookers and snort cocaine in the back of limos in the middle of the night?

I didn't like the way this season ended, but I'm game for another season. I just want less bullshit next time.



"I am not a dude."

- "Married...with Children" is now on TV Land: "Married...with Children" has apparently moved from Spike to TV Land, which I guess is a better fit since TV Land is all about sitcoms and Spike is all about UFC, TNA pro wrestling, and "CSI" reruns. It's still a great sitcom and always worth watching. I don't like the way TV Land airs the show, though. TV Land has eliminated the end credits sequence, which to me is blasphemy. I want to hear the instrumental version of "Love and Marriage" at the end of every episode. I don't want to see the end credits in the lower left corner of the screen. That stuff just annoys me to no end.

I guess I'll just have to get my Bundy family end credits sequence fix from TBS. TBS still has the show, usually in the early morning hours (5am to 7am).



"Al: Look, Steve. Why don't you do this? Go home, wake up Marcy and say, "Hey, I lost my money. I screwed up, it won't happen again, and what's for supper?" That's what being a man is all about, Steve. Making mistakes and not caring."

Ha.

- "Wipeout" last week: Did you watch "Wipeout" last week? Man, those obstacles just keep getting nastier and nastier, don't they? What happened to the old opening eliminator round where it looked like it was kind of easy? The opening round looks harder to do than the final round, the Wipeout Zone. That poor fat woman with the huge boobs had absolutely no chance to get to the end. Her ride on the Big Balls was pretty funny, though, wasn't it?

And how about that blond girl CJ "Guns" Janson? It's too bad she didn't make it to the final round. I bet she would have kicked ass during it.

And I wonder what happened to that guy that told the show the reason he tried out for the show was his wife told him to. Did his wife beat the crap out of him since he didn't make it?



- "The Unusuals" is over. And it's a dang shame. "The Unusuals" was a great show that deserved a second season on ABC, but for whatever reason the Disney owned network decided not to pick it up. I loved how the show straddled the line between being a very serious modern cop show and a completely ridiculous cop comedy. Adam Goldberg and Harold Perrineau's cop characters were always a hoot (I loved how Perrineau's Leo character was always seen wearing a bullet proof vest because he was afraid of being shot at the age of 42 as that is when most of the males in his family tend to die). And Amber Tamblyn was always fun to look at.



Maybe someone will turn the show into a movie. I think the show would work as a movie.





- Late Night Poker on NBC: Who the hell is watching this show? And why are they watching it? Is watching people playing poker really that enthralling? I've tried watching the poker shows on ESPN and I last about five minutes before I turn it off because I can't figure out why anyone would want to watch people play fucking cards. Can someone please explain this television phenomena to me?

And finally,

- T.R. Knight is now officially gone from "Grey's Anatomy": This news isn't all that shocking as Knight has been upset with his role on the show for some time. What is shocking, though, is that Katherine Heigl, the other high profile "Grey's" cast member with issues about the show, is actually coming back. No one at ABC has said for how long Heigl will be around next season, but I can't imagine her sticking around past midseason. Heigl has a major movie career to nurture and that's kind of difficult to do when you're tied down to a TV show. But Knight? What the heck does he have lined up?

Broadway.

That seems like a step down, doesn't it? Especially after being on a top TV show like "Grey's" for so long. I hope that Knight eventually finds his way back to TV because he's a good actor and he deserves a good show to work on.



"For Christ's sake, Patrick, put some pants on. Do you think I want to look at your goddamn ass all day? I may have wanted to when the show started but not anymore. Fuck this, I'm outta here!"

Now, with Knight gone, do you think ABC is going to try to bring back Isaiah Washington?

And what about the big lesbian storyline that the show keeps promising but never really gets off the ground between Callie and Arizona? Do you think it will actually happen in a big way this season? And how long do you think it will take for Callie's father, played by the great Hector Elizondo, to come back and make up with his "wayward" daughter?



"I am the hottest woman on this show, and if you don't believe me ask the guy typing the words I'm saying right now."

And for the love of God, I hope this teasing marriage bullshit between Meredith and Derek finally fucking ceases and they, and the show and audience, can move on because it's getting ridiculous. Either get fucking married or don't, just quit the bullshit.



"You want to get married? Do you? I said do you want to get married? Wait a second, who the hell is talking here?"

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Strange Thoughts

Once again, the following are two fairly bizarre thoughts that, for whatever reason, captivated my mind while recently going through the soul killing motions at my crappy day job.



First up, why hasn't there ever been a TV show that takes place entirely within the confines of a women's public bathroom? Or a men's public bathroom? I know that large chunks of "Ally McBeal" took place in a unisex bathroom, but that's not the same as having the entire show take place inside a public bathroom. It would probably have to be an ensemble show featuring multiple characters and multiple story arcs happening all at the same time.

I do see a bit of a limitation in the idea, though. How long can the show possibly last? One season? Maybe two? What kind of American network is going to want do a show like that?

Do you think this might be something the British would be interested in making?



"Hey, dude, what's shaking?"

My second strange thought is the following: what would happen if the Geico Cavemen met the Geico Gecko? Do you think the Cavemen would try to eat the Gecko as a snack? Or do you think the Gecko would outsmart the Cavemen somehow and escape?



"Yummy, yummy, yummy?"

I'd like to think that the Gecko would call those hamsters driving the Kia Soul to come pick him up and maybe beat up the Cavemen, but then that would be ridiculous. Why would the Gecko have the hamsters' phone number? And wouldn't the hamsters be afraid of the lizard?



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And now, the TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy



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A Movie News Moment



This news was all over the place last week, and for good reason as it involves the great director John Carpenter. Apparently, Carpenter is going to make another movie.

A real movie, too, not an hour long episode of a cable TV show masquerading as a movie.

The flick in question, titled "The Ward," will star Danielle Panabaker and involve some kind of hooha about ghosts and evil spirits in a mental institution or something. It sounds kind of hokey, sure (it sounds like one of the Japanese ghost story rip off things that were so dang popular a few years ago), but it's John Carpenter, man. He knows what he's doing most of the time and I'm sure he's got some great ideas up his sleeve.



I guess this means that the Nicolas Cage in prison movie Carpenter was supposed to direct, "Riot," is either on hold or not going to happen because of "The Ward." I hope it's just on hold because I'd love to see a John Carpenter prison movie. I bet it would kick ass.

Welcome back, Mr. Carpenter. It's been way too long since we last saw something from you (eight years this August. "Ghosts of Mars" was his last theatrical movie).

"In France, I'm an auteur; in Germany, a filmmaker; in Britain; a genre film director; and, in the USA, a bum."- John Carpenter.



"No, no one has ever tried to cast me for the movie of the life story of Lee Van Cleef. Why do you ask?"

***

The End of Starlog Magazine?



Did you know there's no such thing as Starlog Magazine anymore?

Well, Starlog still exists as an internet website, but it no longer appears as an actual print magazine. I didn't know this until I read about the magazine's print demise in the 30th Anniversary issue of Fangoria. Then I looked on wikipedia and, yep, the magazine stopped in April.

This stinks. It's never a good thing when a genre magazine goes out of business. Wikipedia claims that there might be a new print version of the magazine in the future, which would be cool, sure, but how can that happen if the magazine business, like the newspaper business, is in such dire straights?

I guess we'll find out soon enough, won't we?

And if you haven't done so already, go out and buy the 30th Anniversary issue of Fangoria. It's got some great interviews in it (George A. Romero, Sam Raimi, Clive Barker), not to mention a freaky as heck cover by Barker. It should still be on sale until at least the end of the month.

What the heck are you waiting for? Go and buy it!



***

And now, Dr. Phil.



""Nothing's funnier to me than laughing at myself. And if you believe that I actually believe that, then you're dumber than the people that buy my books. Now get the fuck out of my way, I have a midget to punch."

Yeah, he's still an asshole.

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update



Still no change on the Fearnet front. Time Warner Cable hasn't reinstated the free, 24/7 on demand horror channel. I really wish they would. I know there are oodles of you out there that feel the same way. If you haven't done so already, please check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here.

You can also go to the Fearnet.com website for all kinds of info regarding, well, everything Fearnet related.

If we keep at it, maybe Time Warner we'll listen. So, let's keep at it and get Fearnet back on Time Warner.

(Once again, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

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The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to GLAAD, or the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, for its recent complaint regarding the lack of a "tolerance" message at the end of the upcoming Sacha Baron Cohen comedy "Bruno." Now, I'm a big fan of GLAAD and its mission to promote and safeguard the rights of homosexuals as homosexuals still face horrendous social challenges like rampant homophobia. There's nothing wrong with taking the bastards on. However, asking Sacha Baron Cohen and Universal Pictures to put a "tolerance" message at the end of the movie is a bit of a reach. Why not use the movie, which clearly is satire, to promote discussion after the movie comes out? If GLAAD is worried about homophobes not understanding the satire in the movie they're worried about the wrong thing. And why would homophobes see "Bruno" in the first place?
I hope GLAAD just forgets about this "tolerance" message thing and allows the movie to speak for itself.

Douchebag runner up accolades go to both Vince McMahon and Donald Trump, for stinking up Monday Night Raw with total bullshit. McMahon sells Raw to Trump? That doesn't even make sense. Why would McMahon sell his biggest moneymaker to someone else? Why wouldn't he sell ECW or Smackdown instead?

Because it's a big ratings scam, that's why.

I can't stand either McMahon or Trump and wouldn't care if either one ever showed up on TV again. In fact, I'd like to see a decade long TV ban for both McMahon (the McMahon family really) and Trump. Fuck you Vince and Don, you should both be fired.



"I wish I was as big a douchebag as you. Wait a second, who said that?"

And second runner up this week goes to Michael Andretti, who apparently thinks his son Marco is more valuable to his team and the Indy Racing League than Danica Patrick. Danica's contract is up this year, and instead of doing everything in his power to make sure that Danica comes back to his team next year, Michael is all "she can come back if she wants but I'm not going to push it."

And why?

Because Danica wouldn't let Marco pass her during the race at Texas.



"My son is going to be in Formula One someday."

Danica is a sponsor magnet. She's easily the most popular driver in the series. People know who the fuck she is. Marco, on the other hand, has a famous last name and is the owner's son, but does anyone outside of the IRL know who he is? No. And aside from his recent Gillette commercial (where he wasn't even identified by name), Marco hasn't exactly been bringing in the endorsements. And Michael still thinks Marco is going to Formula One someday.

What a fucking joke.

I don't want Danica to go to NASCAR, but if Michael is going to be this brain-dead and Chip Ganassi doesn't start up a third team and Penske doesn't make her an offer, she should go. Fuck Michael and Marco Andretti.

My God am I the only one who sees how stupid this all is?

***

And now, your weekly "Jericho" update

Apparently there will be a "Jericho" panel at the upcoming San Diego Comicon, which I assume will be all about the "Jericho" comic book that will be out in the fall. Maybe the panel participants will also talk about the potential "Jericho" movie that's been bandied about for the last while? I guess we'll find out soon enough. If you're going to the Comicon, be sure to check out the "Jericho" panel (thanks to the fine people at jericho-kansas.org for the information). I wish I was going.

Be sure to check out this page of "Jericho" links where you can find all kinds of news, info, and everything else involving "Jericho."

And don't forget that you can purchase the entire "Jericho" run on DVD. Go here to buy the entire series. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

Let's keep the "Jericho" show and name and idea alive! I want to see that comic book! I want to see that proposed movie! Oh yeah!

Long live "Jericho"!



***

IRL and NASCAR thoughts



First off, I want to send out a special "get well soon" to Johnny Benson, the 2008 NASCAR Camping World Truck Series Champion as he was recently injured while racing an ISMA winged supermodified in Berlin, Michigan. According to reports, Benson hit the wall with tremendous force at the start of the feature race after jumping over another car's wheel, rupturing the fuel cell and causing a big fire.



As a result of the accident, Benson has several injuries (nothing super serious but they are injuries) and will likely be out of commission for a few weeks at least. That just blows. He also recently lost his Truck Series ride due to a lack of sponsorship, so it's not good to be Johnny Benson right now. Again, get well soon.



Well, the IRL race at the Iowa Speedway was a real barn burner, wasn't it? Dario Franchitti manages to win, dodging lapped cars, accidents, and the specter of driving for a top team and breaking. Look at what happened to Franchitti's teammate Scott Dixon (he got caught up in an accident and damaged the front of his car. He was able to continue but he was never a factor in the he race) and Mr. No Luck Tony Kanaan, who spun out and hit the wall again. And tax cheat Helio Castroneves didn't exactly have the best time on the track, either.

Kudos to Dan Wheldon for continuing to soldier on with Panther Racing as they continue to get slightly better with each race (Wheldon probably won't win a race this year, at least on an oval. He has a slight chance on one of the upcoming road courses to win, but then he hasn't had much luck on road courses the past two seasons). We'll see what happens in the next event.



The next race is this Saturday at Richmond International Raceway, another short oval. It should be a kick ass race (it usually is at Richmond).



Over in NASCAR Sprint Cup, the first of two road course races is now in the books, with Kasey Kahne picking up his first career road course win. I was surprised that he managed to stay in the lead as long as he did. I figured that Tony Stewart would eventually run Kahne down and breeze right by him, but that didn't happen. No one could catch Kahne once he was in the lead. Kudos to Kahne for winning and kudos to Marcus Ambrose for finishing third, one of this better recent finishes. He'll be a threat at Watkins Glen in August, the site of the second road course event.

And how about Juan Pablo Montoya? He ended up sixth, which is where he finished last year at Sonoma. He was in contention for the win up until the last twenty laps or so. For whatever reason his restarts were terrible (it was like his engine had about half the power as the leaders). But his sixth place finish moves him up to twelfth place in the points, which puts him in Chase contention. All he has to do is keep up the top 10's and top 5's and he'll be in. And then he can win the championship.



"I'm in the Chase now motherfuckers! Booyah!"

Hey, it could happen.


***

That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for issue two. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Be sure to check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411. It would be cool if you did so.

"Peter: Boy, I haven't been this creeped out since I saw that episode of Star Trek.

(Cut to shot of USS Enterprise-D orbiting some planet, then cut to bridge of Enterprise)

Captain Picard: Number One.

Commander Riker: Yes, Captain.

Captain Picard: Let me ask you something. If I whispered in your ear that Commander
Worf's head looks like a fanny, would you join me in a laugh?

Commander Riker: Yeah, I could get in on that.

Captain Picard: All right! Here it comes! (Shouting despite using a whispering gesture) Commander Worf's head looks like a fanny!

(Everyone laughs)

Commander Worf: You can both suck my ridges.

Captain Picard: Oh, get a sense of humor, Rocky Dennis."

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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