The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 6.29.09: Issue #66 - Terminator Salvation

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 06.29.2009

For the first time ever, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column reviews a movie currently in theaters. That movie? "Terminator Salvation" (2009)


The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #66: "Terminator Salvation" (2009)

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has no interest in stopping the music but wishes you would just turn it down a bit because I'm trying to watch TV over here, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number sixty-six, I do something a little different as I take a look at a movie that's still playing in movie theatres across the world and likely cost the combined budget of every direct-to-video movie made in the last ten years and is the fourth movie in the mega budget action sci-fi franchise that started out with a sci-fi B-movie slasher action flick starring the future governor of California, Ahnold Schwarzenegger, "Terminator Salvation," or as I like to call it, "Terminator 4."

Terminator Salvation


Now, when I started this column over a year ago, I wanted to devote it to those movies that appear on late night cable or exclusively on video store shelves, as that's where the current B-movie world resides. Very, very few B-movies ever get much of a theatrical release (New York City and Los Angeles and a few other major cities seem to be the only places that get low budget B-movie theatrical showings. I don't know about overseas). But in the case of "Terminator Salvation," I decided to make several exceptions to this rule because, well, despite all of its "major event movie studio tent pole franchise" trappings, in the end, it's really just a mega expensive B-movie.

It's got everything you should expect in a movie about a post apocalyptic future world where humans fight robots. You've got a square jawed hero (John Connor, as played by Christian Bale), a mysterious square jawed potential hero (Marcus Wright, as played by Sam Worthington), a bunch of hot babes (Moon Bloodgood as a butt kicking human resistance soldier named Blair Williams, Bryce Dallas Howard as John Connor's doctor wife Kate), a bunch of killer robots that shoot at people and blow stuff up with reckless cinematic abandon, a bunch of pseudo social commentary about saving humanity despite itself (that's actually a major element of the series mythology, and the great Michael Ironside playing a gruff asshole leader you immediately recognize as the Michael Ironside. The movie also has barely any story.

Well, maybe that's being a tad too harsh. "Terminator Salvation," written by John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris, has a complicated plot that's probably too complicated for its own good. There are two parallel stories competing for the audience's attention. There's the story involving Bale's John Connor, not quite yet the absolute supreme leader of the human resistance, trying to convince the leaders of the human resistance that he knows important stuff about Skynet and how the robots can be defeated (he also has to convince the leadership that his father, Kyle Reese, as played by the new Chekov Anton Yelchin, has to be protected so John Connor can exist). And then there's the storyline involving the mysterious Marcus Wright and what exactly his deal is. How the heck did he survive the bombardment of the Skynet facility that we see Connor and others infiltrate at the beginning of the movie? And what was all of that hooey at the very beginning of the movie involving Marcus on death row in "modern times," meeting with Dr. Serena Kogan (Helena Bonham Carter), a big wig at Cyberdine.

Of course, only a "Terminator" newcomer would be surprised by what exactly Marcus Wright is (and, really, if you had seen any of the "T4" commercials before going into the movie you should already know what Marcus Wright's deal is anyway), and I think that's the flick's biggest weakness. Like plenty of other recent movies, "T4" shoots its wad almost immediately, killing whatever suspense the story holds by explaining absolutely everything at the start. Is there any real reason for that opening bit on death row besides giving Helena Bonham Carter slightly more screen time? Not as far as I can see. And is there any real reason to have that sequence at the very beginning of the movie? No, there isn't. Whatever happened to the flashback that explains everything towards the end of the movie?

And, really, why explain anything at the beginning? We already know the "end-of-the-world" mythology of the "Terminator" franchise; we know what's at stake. Why not have an on screen text "2018: however many years after Judgment Day" and then go on from there? Even if you don't know what any of that means (and, really, how the hell could you not?) it's not like this "robots vs. humans" idea isn't self explanatory. Watching John Connor shoot a downed Terminator in the head is all of the explanation you need.

The flick's other major problem is the John Connor character as played by Christian Bale. He isn't all that interesting. And by that I mean Bale, not Connor. Connor is a character under extreme pressure, dealing with what he knows about the future while at the same time fighting Skynet killer robots every single day and trying not to get killed. But he also has to have a believable charisma that will serve him well in the future (it would be pretty lame if the future leader of the human resistance was a bore). Bale plays Connor as a morose, sullen bore. It's very hard to believe that he could lead anyone or anything on personality alone. If this was just a straight up action movie and Bale was someone else besides John Connor it wouldn't be that big of a deal. There's nothing wrong, in theory, with the sullen action hero. But John Connor?

Sam Worthington does a fabulous job as Marcus. Eventhough the character is undermined by the way the story unfolds Worthington makes Marcus interesting. Worthington also works well with Bale and makes him look good towards the end. Bloodgood is great as Blair. She has one of the better character entrances in recent movie history (I know I sure as heck didn't see her coming), and she can kick butt with the best of them. Anton Yelchin does a decent enough job as Kyle Reese. He has good chemistry with both Worthington and Jadagrace Berry, who plays Star, the mute little girl that's Reese's constant companion. Helena Bonham Carter is scary as Dr. Serena Kogen, especially towards the end when we find out what she's up to (computer simulations always freak me out a little). And Common is okay as Barnes.

And, as usual, Michael Ironside does a stupendous job as General Ashdown, the head of the human resistance. He's mean, he's stern, and he's a prick. That's what Ironside excels at, and it's always a treat to see him on the big screen (the small screen, too). Great, great stuff.

And I have to commend McG for doing a decent enough job as the director. I was one of the legions of nerds that was wary of McG directing such a big, "important" movie. Was he going to turn it into some hip and edgy catchphrase movie or some incredibly stupid mindless action movie like Rob Cohen did with "XXX"? That's what I thought we were going to get. But McG held back all of those impulses and did a competent job with the action scenes, the various special effects bits, and the general scope of the story. McG really made the post apocalyptic "Terminator" future look like a dirty, grimy hell. He didn't make it look or feel special, but McG made "Terminator 4" watchable, and I guess that's the best possible outcome considering what it was we were getting.

That's what the flick's ultimate legacy will be. It's nothing special, but it's worth watching at least once. It's watchable. It's kind of fun. It's a decent enough summer movie. Just don't be surprised if you find yourself leery of watching it again.

And the potential sequel, "Terminator 5"? We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Let's hope that it's another big ass B-movie and not some "important" mainstream message movie. Who the hell is going to want to watch that?

So what do we have here? Gratuitous bit where the title of the movie appears twice in the opening credits, gratuitous California death row circa 2003, satellite destruction, gratuitous Christian Bale, a bunch of dead bodies, gratuitous multiple scenes of robot destruction, gratuitous bad helicopter flying, boot stealing, m-60 the face, gratuitous Sam Worthington, clothes stealing, gratuitous Michael Ironside, a submarine, gratuitous voice of Linda Hamilton on tape, gratuitous Terminator with a minigun, human skull stomping, gratuitous Chekov, gratuitous little girl with a shotgun, potential Kim Richards, potential reverse Kim Richards, gratuitous robot destruction tests, gratuitous Christian Bale "rallying" people all over the world via radio, band-aid on a wound, tire iron throwing star, old school fighter jets, a glass bottle of milk, gratuitous old woman that everyone listens to, massive vehicular destruction, fuel truck attack, gratuitous Moon Bloodgood looking hotter than hell, gratuitous Judgment Day rednecks, bullet to the leg, leg shooting, gratuitous Michael Ironside acting like a prick, a magnetic mine field, gratuitous bit where we find out what's incredibly obvious about Marcus, special revenge bullet to the chest, magnetic mine tricking, hand shooting, gratuitous dirt bike hooey, gratuitous "You Could Be Mine," gratuitous "I'll be back," gratuitous Skynet city, brain chip breaking, stool throwing, gratuitous Ahnold Schwarzenegger but not really, grenade to the body, gratuitous heart punch, gratuitous air support, gratuitous lava bath, a massive nuclear explosion, and a heartwarming ending (ha).

Best lines: "I'm not the only one with a death sentence, am I?," "So that's what death tastes like?," "Why didn't we know about this?," "Do you want to talk about him?," "Kill Kyle Reese, reset the future. No John Connor," "Come with me if you want to live," "You point a gun at someone, you better be prepared to pull the trigger," "Destroy this thing," "This is John Connor. If you are listening to this, you are the resistance," "What is that?," "Eject Williams! Eject!," "You can let me down now, Marcus," "What are you saying? Speak English!," "Antibiotics are hard to come by these days," "You might want to chamber a round," "Relax, I just want some body heat," "Do you think people deserve a second chance?," "He's got a prosthetic limb?," "I'm the only hope you have," "I'll be back," "The human condition no longer applies for you," "We have destroyed ourselves," and "Go on you sonofabitch!"

Rating: 7.5/10.0

***

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Next issue we'll get back to the usual The Gratuitous B-Movie hooey. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"Terminator Salvation"

Christian Bale- John Connor
Sam Worthington- Marcus Wright
Moon Bloodgood- Blair Williams
Bryce Dallas Howard- Kate Connor
Anton Yelchin- Kyle Reese
Jadagrace- Star
Common- Barnes
Michael Ironside- General Ashdown
Helena Bonham Carter- Dr. Serena Kogan
Directed by McG
Screenplay by John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris, based on characters and situations created by James Cameron

Distributed by Warner Bros
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action, and language

Runtime- 115 minutes
Buy it here when it comes out on DVD. Otherwise, check your local theatre listings for times and availability


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