Misunderstood Masterpieces 7.14.09: Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs
Posted by Will Helm on 07.14.2009
...or, When Netflix Screws Up, Everyone Suffers
OK, I have to admit that this wasn't the film I planned on covering this week. The film I intended to analyze for this column was the 1987 Faustian comedy Hunk. I had all the pictures picked out and formatted for the column and everything. There's just one problem, though: for reasons unbeknown to me, Netflix sent the wrong film. Oh, the sleeve was correct – for those who don't know how the Netflix system works, they send their DVDs inside a sleeve, which then goes inside the envelope – but the movie inside was not. Just what did Netflix send me? In an odd turn of events, it was someone's bad bootleg DVD-R of The Incredible Hulk. Bizarre. Rather than sit through two hours of a giant, green Ed Norton making constipated faces, I found an alternative to this week's Netflix Fail.
But I am still keeping the original pictures. They're too entertaining to waste.
Luckily, on my DVR, there are two movies very worthy of inclusion in these pages: Ninja Cheerleaders – not to be confused with Cheerleader Ninjas – and Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs. Even though Ninja Cheerleaders does feature the prodigious talents of Real World alumna – and Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling HOT CHICK-turned-jabroni – Trishelle Cannatella, it is on DVD, yet Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs is not. Plus, Ninja Cheerleaders would also make the trilogy I have planned in the near future quite redundant . . . but I'm getting ahead of myself. After all, the subject of this column is the somewhat obscure – and, sadly, not on DVD – sequel to Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine.
I get the feeling wackiness is going to ensue.
Released in 1966, one year after its predecessor, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs, though distributed through legendary low-budget studio American International Pictures, has more of an Italian flavor than the original. After all, the true title of the film is actually Le spie vengono dal semifreddo and I have the sneaking suspicion that the "Dr. Goldfoot" element wasn't even part of the original script. Featuring Vincent Price returning to his titular role as "Dr. Goldfoot" and absolutely no one else returning from the original, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs shined at the box office, grossing a whopping 365 million . . . Italian lire. Though apparently successful in its original market, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs, sadly, fell into obscurity in the United States . . . until now, for it may very well be an ignored and nearly forgotten Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!
To start, Vincent Price, either as himself or the titular Dr. Goldfoot, provides some expository monologue accompanied by clips from the first film. Strangely, perhaps if by magic, in these clips it seems that Frankie Avalon has somehow transformed into fellow teen heartthrob Fabian. In addition, it appears that Fabian – the film's fake Frankie Avalon – is also allied with two Italian comics (Franco Franchi and Ciccio Ingrassia), who weren't in the first film at all. Could this be the first instance of retconning in film history? Interestingly, the man responsible for all these changes in continuity is quite unlikely as the film's director is none other than horror icon Mario Bava.
Well, that does explain how Dr. Goldfoot can come back from the dead.
After the expository monologue concludes, the scene shifts to Paris, where a HOT CHICK wanders around a hotel room until fake Charles de Gaulle drops by for a visit, specifically to light her cigarette. And, no, that isn't a euphemism; he literally lights her cigarette. The HOT CHICK repays Faux de Gaulle by exploding, proving, once again, that smoking is bad for one's health. Later, in Rome, secret agent Fabian – picking up where Frankie Avalon left off – runs into Dr. Goldfoot at the airport. Dr. Goldfoot, to his credit, evades capture by disguising himself as a sousaphonist and, luckily, Fabian is stupid enough to believe him. Dr. Goldfoot, ever the cad, drops hints as to his next destination . . . the Arctic Circle, where another HOT CHICK blows up a British general outside an igloo. No, really.
This movie is based on this. Obviously, it's a very old script.
Back at his headquarters, Dr. Goldfoot hangs out with HOT CHICKs and, evidently, has Kim Jong-Il as a henchman. So that's going to be North Korea's secret to nuclear proliferation: exploding HOT CHICKS! Dum-dum-DUM! In his Easy-Bake Girl Bomb Maker, Dr. Goldfoot cooks up some ginger-haired HOT CHICK twins, which makes him so elated that he raps a bit. Or, at least, speaks in a couplet. That's close enough, right?
In Rome, two Italian soldiers – the aforementioned comedy team Franco and Ciccio – leer at women while speaking with really, REALLY awful dubbed voices. Just like its Spaghetti Western cousins, the film evidently insists on dubbing everyone, even the English speakers, often with hilarious results. Great. Somehow, the soldiers' sexual harassment is rudely interrupted by the appearance of a Chinese guy, which causes Ciccio to freak out. Ah, there's nothing funnier than unexplained racism. After the Chinese guy – who also happens to be one of Dr. Goldfoot's henchmen – walks off, Franco and Ciccio return to work, where their boss scolds them because, as it turns out, they're not soldiers at all, but merely lowly doormen.
Elsewhere in the hotel, Dr. Goldfoot scolds the Chinese guy and then he gives the Chinese guy the ginger-haired HOT CHICK. Meanwhile, Fabian spies the curious goings-on . . . until Franco and Ciccio fight him because they think he's the Chinese guy. Franco and Ciccio, powered by rampant prejudice, subdue Fabian and, terrifyingly, drag him into the men's bathroom. While Fabian is duly incapacitated, the Chinese guy attacks a ginger-haired HOT CHICK hat-check girl and Dr. Goldfoot has his ginger-haired HOT CHICK replace her, just in time for a lecherous Belgian general to hit on her.
In the men's bathroom, Franco and Ciccio tie up Fabian and then Franco witnesses Dr. Goldfoot leaving with the unconscious ginger-haired HOT CHICK hat-check girl and . . . the Chinese guy! Franco, remarkably, deciphers that he and his dimwitted partner have the wrong man, so he releases Fabian . . . but not in enough time to rescue the Belgian general, who explodes like his peers earlier in the film. Fabian, now with no need to rush, takes some time to explain just what's going on to Franco and Ciccio, probably under the assumption that they can understand him because they're dubbed in English.
Deborah Shelton: Forgotten HOT CHICK of the '70s and '80s.
Now with the blood of a Belgian general on their hands – figuratively, Fabian teams up with Franco and Ciccio and leaves to meet with his boss (Francesco Mulé). After the boss addresses some new recruits with a tape recorder, Fabian informs him that Dr. Goldfoot is back from the dead. Meanwhile, the boss, unwittingly, takes on Franco and Ciccio as recruits as well, so the original recruits try to trample them. Meanwhile, in the boss' office, the boss' HOT CHICK secretary (Laura Antonelli) slaps around Fabian and then the boss tells Fabian that he's been suspended for being a skirt-chaser. Fabian, though technically unemployed, still pleads his case to the boss, who doesn't believe that Dr. Goldfoot is back . . . and then their conversation is interrupted by a call from Lyndon Baines Johnson, who scolds the boss for something or other, leading to the boss sending Fabian away.
At his headquarters, Dr. Goldfoot chats with a stuttering, eye-patch-wearing general . . . who just happens to look like Dr. Goldfoot wearing an eye patch. Isn't that wonderfully convenient? Dr. Goldfoot holds his doppelgänger captive and then he tells a HOT CHICK to blow him up, for good measure. After the lookalike general exits in a minor conflagration, Dr. Goldfoot gloats in victory. Later, Dr. Goldfoot has the Chinese guy make more explosive HOT CHICKS, so the Chinese guy creates an exploding HOT CHICK commando squad. Sadly, John Matrix isn't there to lead them. Just in case the audience wasn't paying attention, Dr. Goldfoot then explains how the "Girl Bombs" work . . . and he starts talking directly to the audience, until an alarm rudely interrupts the fourth-wall-leveling exposition.
Outside his compound, Dr. Goldfoot receives a meat delivery and he then feeds the side of beef to a swimming pool full of invisible piranha . . . which don't make an appearance ever again in the film. Well, that was pointless. Meanwhile, once again in Rome, the boss has a summit with a bunch of other generals; Dr. Goldfoot, somehow, watches the proceedings from a periscope disguised as an ashtray. While the boss complains about generals exploding all over Europe, Dr. Goldfoot ironically gets smoke in his eyes, proving that perhaps an ashtray wasn't a great hiding spot. The generals, finished with the formal portion of their meeting, exit to an adjacent computer room and, somehow, Dr. Goldfoot's periscope hilariously follows without anyone noticing. Something tells me this film isn't taking itself very seriously.
I never knew Coco went well with pork.
While the boss rambles on and on about all the parts of his organization's giant mainframe – provided by IBM, Dr. Goldfoot sabotages the machine so that it selects Franco and Ciccio to be secret agents, rather than just bumbling doormen. Elsewhere, at her apartment, the HOT CHICK secretary slaps around Fabian some more. Evidently he's into that kind of thing; he's a kinky crooner. The HOT CHICK secretary, perhaps feeling bad for abusing poor Fabian, then tells him that, somehow, Franco and Ciccio are on Dr. Goldfoot's case. Fabian, seeking to get back into the boss' good graces, decides to help them out, so he takes his leave; meanwhile, Dr. Goldfoot watches and plots REVENGE!
Franco and Ciccio, now living the life of secret agents, lounge by a pool surrounded by HOT CHICKS. Fabian, unfortunately, has to run in to spoil their fun because he wants to "help" them catch Dr. Goldfoot . . . especially if helping them can get him reinstated. Franco and Ciccio rebuff Fabian's offer, mainly because they don't see him as an ally, they see him as competition, presumably for HOT CHICKS. Back in the apartment, the Chinese guy – who got in somehow – attacks the HOT CHICK secretary and leaves a replacement HOT CHICK in her place. Once Fabian returns, the alternate HOT CHICK secretary attempts to seduce him and even strips for him, which makes Fabian and a few statues in the room freak out. While Dr. Goldfoot watches the show from his lair – creepy voyeur, Fabian discerns that the HOT CHICK secretary isn't the HOT CHICK secretary at all, which causes the fake HOT CHICK secretary to have a seizure and go into hyperspeed before falling apart.
Fabian, the fake HOT CHICK secretary now in pieces before him, swears REVENGE against Dr. Goldfoot. Dr. Goldfoot, meanwhile, chats with the Chinese guy and then he lets the boss – with Franco and Ciccio in tow – onto the grounds of his compound. While Dr. Goldfoot's HOT CHICKS dress in tight T-shirts and short shorts and frolic on the grounds, he dresses as a very flamboyant nun and has his HOT CHICKS perform a gymnastics routine for the boss', Franco's, and Ciccio's amusements. Eventually, the boss runs away for no particular reason, leaving Franco and Ciccio to be captured by Dr. Goldfoot and wackiness ensues, to the point where an army of HOT CHICKS exercises for a captive Franco and Ciccio.
Before anything untoward can occur, however, Dr. Goldfoot breaks up the fun and, in the confusion, Ciccio and Franco disguise themselves as a HOT CHICK – which is really, REALLY disturbing – and Dr. Goldfoot, respectively. Somehow, Ciccio, while dressed as a HOT CHICK, escapes, leaving Franco behind at the mercy of Dr. Goldfoot. Somehow, Fabian finds Ciccio on the road outside Dr. Goldfoot's compound; inside, Franco messes with the Chinese guy while Dr. Goldfoot gets a call from Peking. So he's not working with North Korea after all . . . he's in league with Chairman Mao!
Rebeccah Bush: The extra "h" stands for "HOT CHICK."
While Dr. Goldfoot negotiates the terms of world conquest with Chairman Mao, the Chinese guy – it all makes sense now! – sticks Franco in the rear with a needle, subduing the erstwhile secret agent. Dr. Goldfoot then clones Franco, who thankfully doesn't appear in a gold bikini. Back outside, Fabian and Ciccio try to infiltrate the compound and it must be pretty easy, because Fabian quickly finds Franco and a semi-frozen HOT CHICK secretary and releases them both. Alas, before they can escape and foil Dr. Goldfoot once and for all, robo-Franco attacks, trying to kill Fabian. Unfortunately, robo-Franco isn't very coordinated, so he wrecks Dr. Goldfoot's equipment accidentally and then goes into wacky hyperspeed before falling apart. Well, that was anticlimactic.
With robo-Franco thwarted, the HOT CHICK secretary helps Fabian and his associates track down Dr. Goldfoot. Later, on the road, Dr. Goldfoot's Jeep gets a flat tire for reasons totally unexplained and he, the Chinese guy, and a Chinese HOT CHICK run off on foot. Fabian, with the HOT CHICK secretary, Franco, and Ciccio in tow, runs off after them. Dr. Goldfoot, with his underlings' help, disguises himself as a giant Italian to throw off Fabian and his crew, and then he hijacks a car from a horny couple. Dr. Goldfoot, now mobile once more, drives in front of a projector and then gets directions from a headless statue. Sadly, that proves to be an ill-conceived notion, as the headless statue sends Dr. Goldfoot straight into the Colosseum. Dr. Goldfoot and his cronies survive that crash, so Dr. Goldfoot throws a coin into Trevi Fountain for good luck, presumably as repayment for not dying . . . again.
Finally, Dr. Goldfoot and his associates reach a destination and get in disguise as military types. Fabian, the HOT CHICK secretary, Franco, and Ciccio catch up to them and they all end up at an amusement park, where they ride a ferris wheel and merry-go-round, just because they're there. After Franco and Ciccio beat up the park's elderly owner (Bava) for no reason, the good guys and the bad guys have a tiny train chase, which then continues around the park and on all other rides.
Eventually, Dr. Goldfoot and his team slip away, leaving the good guys to commandeer a hot-air balloon. While a silent film suddenly breaks own, the amusement park's elderly owner hitches a ride on the balloon, so Franco and Ciccio drop him to his death. Wow . . . that's harsh. While the good guys are up, up, and away in their beautiful balloon, Dr. Goldfoot and his crew steal a B-52. The good guys, somehow, get stuck in a storm but don't get wet and then the dead park owner's ghost haunts them from heaven. OK, this is just getting weird.
"So, what do you think about my hat?"
Somehow, the hot-air balloon defies all laws of physics and aerodynamics by catching up to and flying alongside the B-52. As the good guys knock on the door to the plane, Dr. Goldfoot, foolishly, lets them in and a brawl breaks out. In addition, the HOT CHICK secretary and the Chinese HOT CHICK have a catfight and then they start stripping each other. That is remarkably risqué for a goofy comedy, I must admit. Not that I mind, of course.
While Dr. Goldfoot pilots the B-52 on a course to Moscow in the hopes of starting a nuclear holocaust, Franco – or Ciccio, I don't remember which – drops the Chinese guy out a window to his death. Dr. Goldfoot, meanwhile, covers everyone in foam, which just makes the catfight all the more erotic. With everyone judiciously foamed up, Dr. Goldfoot grabs his Chinese HOT CHICK and jumps from he plane with an umbrella to break his fall. With Dr. Goldfoot out of commission, Fabian pilots the plane and then the boss calls with a new mission. It seems that he wants Franco and Ciccio to disarm some giant bomb the plane is carrying so that it doesn't blow up Moscow and cause the end of the world. Fabian and the HOT CHICK secretary, to their credit, help out, but the bomb is dropped – with Franco and Ciccio riding it – anyway. To the world's gratitude, though, it doesn't explode; it just lands safely in the tundra . . . which is nowhere near Moscow, but I don't think geography was a concern of the filmmakers.
In the aftermath of the bomb landing – but not exploding – in Russia, LBJ calls the boss again and tells him to make the mission super-secret, which causes the boss to have a panic attack. Meanwhile, Fabian meets with the HOT CHICK secretary at the airport because he's going back to the United States as a secret agent once again. He says his goodbyes to her and then he chases after another HOT CHICK because he is a womanizer, after all. Britney Spears would be proud. Back in Russia, Franco and Ciccio end up surviving the crash and are imprisoned in a gulag, which just so happens to be run by Dr. Goldfoot. He's got quite the résumé, evidently. Finally, a dance number breaks out among an army of HOT CHICKS back at Dr. Goldfoot's headquarters.
While Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine was harmless, silly fun, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs was almost a chore to watch. It's strange, largely dull, and extremely badly made. It seems as though Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine was put into a blender with a Franco and Ciccio script and this was the result. Even Vincent Price, who can largely be a film's saving grace, doesn't seem to be putting in a full effort, not that I can say I blame him. The horrible dubbing doesn't help matters, as it's so overdone and obvious that it makes the dialogue sound unintentionally hilarious. In all, Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs – or Le spie vengono dal semifreddo, for the Continental types – is barely a coherent film, but it is, at least, a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me in three weeks for an all new trilogy featuring butt-kicking HOT CHICKS – and maybe ninja cheerleaders, if I feel like watching it. In the meantime, I'll be on vacation and maybe, just maybe, I'll have some classic Misunderstood Masterpieces . . . as new Special Editions! See you then!
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