Misunderstood Masterpieces Classic 7.28.09: Ginger Snaps

Posted by Will Helm on 07.28.2009

…or, I Was a Hot Teenage Canadian Goth Werewolf

I'm still on vacation, but Misunderstood Masterpieces isn't. This week, it's the origin of the "Don't Die over Spilled Milk" catchphrase – found on all your favorite Misunderstood Masterpieces merchandise – Ginger Snaps. Originally posted October 8, 2003, it's one of my favorites and I hope you enjoy it too . . . now that it's a "Special Edition"!

I hate The Breakfast Club. Alright, I know this column isn't about that John Hughes "classic," but please bear with me. Not only do I dislike the movie as a cinematic work, but I also hate it for a purely pragmatic reason: it doesn't know what it wants to be. Is it a comedy or a drama? Go ahead; ask yourself that question. Just not out loud…people will assume things about you. Anyway, back in my salad days, my formative years, if you will, I worked for a major video-rental chain. You know – the one with the shirts. The "The Breakfast Club question" was a major issue within the confines of the storied establishment…OK, maybe not, but we had nothing else better to do. You try to keep your sanity working at one of those places during the day when the only customer you have is a guy who wants his entire rental history printed out each time he comes in because he can't remember what he rented! Ahem…but I'm not bitter. Anyway, there was more than one occasion where a customer would come in, ask for The Breakfast Club, be told it was in the "Drama" section, and then say "Gee, shouldn't that be ‘Comedy'?" I would wager that the opposite would be true if the circumstances were reversed. Ugh…people!

Note: Not featuring
Ginger-Lynn Allen.

So, as you can plainly tell, I have a problem with films that cannot decide what genre they wish to be. Honestly, it makes you feel odd watching them; you don't know if you're supposed to laugh, cry, or be frightened. Usually you just end up being bored. Another example of this type of movie is the Canadian teenage werewolf epic/teenage angst exploration Ginger Snaps. I first saw a bit of this on cable a few months ago and I was intrigued by how bizarre it was (I was also intrigued because the digital-cable guide read that the film was a soft-core porno starring Ginger-Lynn Allen…but yet it was wrong). I saw parts of it on different occasions, but I never took the time to watch the whole film. Oh what a fool I was! Had I known then, I would have watched it simply because it is one of the most thematically confusing movies I have ever witnessed. As a comedy, it's patently unfunny; as a horror film, it's hilarious; and as a drama, it's downright freaky. Yeah…it's bad…and that's why I bring it to you right now!

Ah! The beauty that is Ontario! I wonder where Bob and Doug are right now? Hopefully they're nowhere near this sleepy little suburb, because there's some sort of killer animal on the loose…and it's targeting neighborhood dogs! Ooh, scary. A homely housefrau makes the grizzly discovery while raking leaves; it seems that Ontario is in a perpetual state of autumn. Or is that "province of autumn"? Sorry about that. Anyway, I bet it's Satanists doing all the killings. Here in the States, whenever there's any sort of animal slaughter, the Satanists are always blamed for it. Poor Satanists! Meanwhile, somewhere else in the neighborhood, a creepy brooding girl prepares to do some yard work. I mean, that's what we can safely assume; she's got an extension cord, a chainsaw, and other related items. Unfortunately, if you assumed, you were wrong, as it seems that she's just planning on committing suicide with her elder sister. Isn't that a nice thought? And without further adieu, let me introduce our stars: the Fitzgerald sisters, red-haired big-sis Ginger (Katharine Isabelle) and brooding brunette Brigitte (Emily Perkins). It seems that they're obsessed with death and especially the idea of perishing together. How lovely! We learn this because we're treated to a slideshow of their elaborate do-it-yourself death scenes accompanying the main credit sequence. What is this, some sort of friggin' art school project?

Is there room on that
couch for one more?

Oh, it seems it is an art school project, as the Fitzgerald sisters show off their opus in class…and the class applauds. Last I checked, well-designed murder scenarios were SO not cool. The teacher, rightly so, is freaked (I mean, who wouldn't be?), but Jason McCardy (Jesse Moss), the Fitz's horny classmate, requests more shots of the mock-deceased Ginger. Ah, there's nothing like the puppy love of a young necrophiliac. Later on, while the sisters enjoy the wonderful world of phys ed, Jason further establishes that he is SO totally crushing on Ginger. I sense a letter to YM in the very near future. Meanwhile, Trina Sinclair (Danielle Hampton), the living embodiment of an Abercrombie & Fitch ad, isn't crushing on our favorite freaky sisters, as she eavesdrops on them plotting her demise. In retaliation, Brigitte is on the receiving end of a wicked field-hockey check at the hands (and stick) of Trina…right into another dead dog. You'd think that the school staff would take the time to get all the carcasses off the field before class started…but I could be wrong. After all, that could be how they do it in Canada. Hey, the first hockey pucks were frozen cow droppings, so it may not be far from the truth. Of course, the psycho sisters (qu'est-ce que c'est?) plot…REVENGE!

About now, if you're watching the film, you're probably realizing that 80% of the dialogue is just profanity and slang. It's almost as if "Dawson's Creek" went Goth and Canadian or something. But, just when you thought the movie couldn't get any weirder, here comes Mrs. Pamela Fitzgerald (Mimi Rogers), the girls' mom. She's a lovely woman who's a good cook, somewhat loving wife (more on that later), and is completely obsessed with her daughters' menstruation. Isn't that lovely dinner conversation? "Gee honey, are you on the rag yet?" "Um, no mom…could you pass the Brussels sprouts, please?" It seems that the girls' menstrual cycles are a little behind in their development…and I'm sure you all REALLY needed to know that. Hell, I didn't ask to know that, but yet the movie went and told me anyway. Damned movie!

She doesn't want anyone
to know she's listening
to N*Sync.

After all that wonderful mealtime bonding, the girls slip out of the house while their parents are in counseling. It seems that they're going to avenge the vicious crosscheck from earlier in the day by kidnapping Trina's dog. Yeah…that makes sense. The young ladies stop dead in their tracks, however, when they find ANOTHER dead dog. Those damned Satanists must be running wild all over Ontario. I guess there's no cops in this town or anything. More on that later. Anyway, in other developments, while the Fitzgeralds traverse the dense woodlands of suburban Ontario, Ginger finally gets her period! Yay! Instead of celebrating her burgeoning womanhood, she instead freaks out and gets all existential about it. I guess it's like the female equivalent of a Peter Pan complex. After a few minutes of soliloquy, a wolf-type creature, possibly a film critic, attacks Ginger and drags her off into the forest! And then the movie's over. Oh wait…it's not, as Brigitte panics and then a bloodied Ginger shows up…followed by the creature! Oh no! There's blood and gnashing and screaming and running…but no Jeff Goldblum in sight. Dammit. The sisters escape to the main roadway and the creature meets his end on the front bumper of a van driven by the friendly neighborhood stoner. I wonder what this will do to his insurance rates.

Back in their room/bunker, the Brigitte tends to the remarkably calm Ginger's wounds, but it seems that they're healing rapidly. You just know that can't be good, unless she's going to be the next Wolverine or something. After all, it is Canada. In school the following day, Brigitte watches an oddly prescient health film about blood infestation and viruses and such, and then the girls go tampon shopping. Again, did we need to know this? I guess we did, according to the movie. We also learn that periods make young women impulsive, as Ginger is coerced into joining Jason and his friends for some ganja in the back of the aforementioned stoner's van. While Ginger tokes, Brigitte chats up the stoner, who was not invited to the party going on in his vehicle. It seems that Sam (Kris Lemche), the stoner, is oddly matter-of-fact when questioned about what he ran over the previous night: a lycanthrope. I mean, he says it like they're a common occurrence or something. Is there anyone out there who has packs of werewolves running through their backyards on an everyday basis? I guess goofballs can do that to a person. Anyway, Sam breaks up the pot party (I guess he was jealous he wasn't part of it) and then Ginger kicks Trina's dog. I guess that's good enough revenge.

Back in school, Ginger and Brigitte freak out when the find that Ginger is growing hair where there was no hair before. Specifically, she has long hairs growing out of the werewolf-claw scars on her shoulder. And what were you thinking? While all of this is going on, Ginger starts bleeding (and you just know what kind of bleeding it is) AGAIN! Thank you movie. We really needed to see that. They go to see the school nurse, who wastes no time in grossing everyone out (audience included) when she graphically describes the process of menstruation. Ugh. But at least she gives out free condoms! That'd never fly here in the States. We have a little thing called denial, as in "our kids aren't having sex, so they don't need or need to know how to use condoms." Ah, Canada…the enlightened Great White North! Later, at the Fitzgerald residence, Mrs. Fitz has a period party! Um, is this a common occurrence, much like having herds of lycanthropes running through your yards? I swear…this movie is just too freaky. Heh, little do we know. It seems that, instead of enjoying the moment with her mother (it's almost a Summer's Eve commercial), Ginger instead gets all pissed while Brigitte broods yet more. You know, I bet this is all some sort of metaphor or something. Just a hunch.

Take your pick: hot Goth
or mousy Emo.

I bet you didn't know this, but becoming a woman as well as a werewolf makes you HOT! Ginger, embracing her newfound femininity, shows up to school one day as a total blood doll. Oh, for those of you not in the know, a "blood doll" is an attractive and feminine Goth. Actually, for what we've seen so far in this movie from Ginger, "blood doll" takes on many more, unnecessary meanings. While Ginger's makeover takes everyone else in the school aback, Sam the helpful stoner still knows what the score is. He's not one to think with his genitalia; the drug use has made them useless at this point anyway. Brigitte becomes more curious as to her sister's newfound sexuality and, while Ginger sleeps one night, peeks down the back of her panties…and finds her TAIL! That's just a wee bit incestuous and a huge bit gross. Of course, instead of telling their mom or even the local constabulary, Brigitte goes to the stoner for advice. Actually, that makes sense at this point, judging by his expertise in the field of parapsychology and mythological creatures. I guess he needed something to do to cover up for his impotence.

Now that Ginger's "popular," she has no time for the silly sisterly antics of earlier in the month, so she alienates her sibling. It may also be because Brigitte is eerily obsessed with her sister's menstrual cycle and ovulation. Damn this is one weird family. Even the Adams's would be like "we're kooky and spooky, but you're friggin' insane." Instead of doing more mock suicides, Ginger moves on to doing something more constructive, like Jason. It seems that being a werewolf makes one sexually aggressive, and that threatens Jason's masculinity. Wimp. The frustrated Ginger then makes up for her dissatisfaction by mauling and dismembering yet ANOTHER dog. I'm surprised PETA doesn't have this movie on their short list of "Movies Where It Sucks to Be a Dog." Later in the night, in yet another sexual metaphor, Brigitte pierces Ginger's navel because Sam the helpful stoner told her that "pure metals purify the blood" or some New Age jargon like that. And, just to be a little more disconcerting, Ginger really enjoys the pain of it all. Ick.

The film's biggest star,
and not just for
the obvious reasons.

Early the next day, a fat kid in full hockey gear finds a dead dog. There's just something wonderfully absurd about a husky boy in a purple uniform and skates walking around with a full dog bowl. It's one of those pictures I'll have in my memory to recall and laugh at for years to come. Keeping the sports-related theme going, Brigitte ties down Ginger's growing tail for gym class in yet another unintentionally hilarious visual. Unless it was meant to be funny…but yet they don't play it for laughs. It's just there. Very confusing! During class, after another harsh body check on Brigitte, Ginger FINALLY beats the ever-loving Hell out of Trina. Now that's how you do revenge, baby! And she can probably get away with it, too; all she needs to do is blame it on the PMS. Meanwhile, in the men's lavatory, we find that Jason has contracted a raging case of werewolf gonorrhea as we see that his urine is not the color it should be. Dammit movie! You know what? I don't get it. I really and truly don't. Is this supposed to be funny? Are we supposed to laugh at a young guy pissing blood? Or is it some sort of heavy-handed moralizing about the perils of unprotected sex? Ooh, Ginger had sex with Jason without a condom and now he has werewolf germs all through his urinary tract! That'll really sell with the kids today. Actually, judging by the way "the kids" are nowadays, it wouldn't surprise me to find out that this movie has a huge cult following.

That afternoon, Brigitte and Ginger visit Sam in his giant greenhouse. He's a very modern stoner, he is. Anyway, Dr. Sam prescribes monk's hood (that's a relative of wolves' bane to you and me) as a possible cure for werewolf infection. Thanks, doc. Later, Ginger violently shaves her legs; the onset of puberty can do that to you, I guess. And then, just to spoil everything, Mrs. Fitzgerald shows up, just to be annoying. You know, it's really sad that at this time in a young person's life, they alienate their parents; I'm sure Mrs. Fitzgerald would surely understand lycanthropism. She's a hip woman. That evening, Brigitte encounters a quite enraged Trina…it seems that she's looking for VENGEANCE for the ruthless mauling of her beloved dog. Just when you thought there'd be yet another level of revenge to this film, Ginger intercedes and proceeds to rough up the very inconsolable Trina, all the while having a sisterly spat with Brigitte. Ginger: multitasking. Unfortunately for all of them, Trina, after running into the Fitzgerald house and brandishing a deadly kitchen knife, slips on some spilt milk and fatally splits her head open. Oops. You know, this reminds me of the old adage…"Don't die over spilt milk." Oh, wait…it's "cry." "Don't CRY over spilt milk." Sorry about that. And, wouldn't you know it, the sisters' parents show up just to kill the buzz of manslaughter. I hate it when that happens. Of course, the girls panic and Brigitte wisely distracts her mom from the corpse they've hidden in the freezer by asking her about the birds and the bees. Later on in the night, the ladies attempt to extract the body from its icy hiding place, but Brigitte accidentally chips some fingers off first. Again…thank you, movie. And, while Mrs. Fitz reads a magazine, the sisters bury the body in a shallow grave in the tool shed. Remember this for future reference.

She dies over spilled milk.

Yet again in school, Jason is becoming more and more werewolf-like and this movie becomes funnier and funnier. I'd love to know how there can be people growing fangs and tails and such and NO ONE NOTICES! I mean at this point Ginger has a fairly long tail, fangs, and huge claws in place of fingernails…yet no one even says one thing about it. I guess they all think it's just a "phase." Whatever. Actually, it seems that I spoke too soon, as Mrs. Fitzgerald finally gets suspicious of what's going on. And, in an odd turn of events, she's got monk's hood! Isn't that convenient? Oh yeah, and Ginger is in the bathroom trying to cut off her tail, but Brigitte catches her and they get all weepy. And this movie is just getting sillier and sillier. Brigitte then, wisely, traps Ginger in the bathroom and brings the monk's hood to Sam. He does what any wise stoner would do in this situation: cooks up a huge shot of monk's hood juice! And when I say "shot," I don't mean a little glass that you drink whiskey out of, if you catch my drift. Elsewhere, Ginger freaks out and starts clawing at the door. Hey, this is just like Trainspotting! Sam, who intelligently figures out that the werewolf is Ginger all along, hands over the syringe full of brown gunk to Brigitte…I hope this works!

Meanwhile, there's a JAILBREAK as Ginger escapes her lavatory-cum-prison. Judas Priest would be proud. Jason attacks a little kid dressed like a cow (it is Halloween, after all) and then attempts to assault Brigitte, but she quickly rams the needle into his jugular vein (or his carotid artery) and cures his lycanthrope STD just like that. In school, the now quite wild Ginger flashes some guys in the hallway and then gets sent to the principal's office. Instead of a stern talking to, she mauls the principal. Oops. Back at the Fitzgerald house, Mrs. Fitz finds the thawed fingers in the backyard, but writes them off as just another part of the girls' death project. Is she like a Stepford wife or something? I mean, this must be the most messed up part of Ontario, because dead dogs, werewolves, and severed fingers are a common occurrence in everyone's backyards. Back in school, Brigitte rushes to clean up her sister's mess yet again, but Ginger just makes everything worse by killing the kindly Asian janitor. Brigitte FINALLY goes nuts while Ginger compares murder to masturbation. Isn't that a lovely thought? I bet that's more of that metaphor crap again.

At the Fitzgerald abode, Mrs. Fitz finds the body…mainly because it was buried in a shallow grave in the tool shed. I told you to remember that for future reference. Oddly enough, Mrs. Fitz takes her daughters' act of manslaughter and subsequent violation of the corpse remarkably well. Meanwhile, Ginger goes to Sam the stoner's Halloween party…to seduce him for no real reason. You know, I bet the Halloween party is just a plot device so that no one will notice that Ginger is in full on wolf-woman mode because they all think it's a costume. That still doesn't take into account when she had the fangs, tail, and claws prior to Halloween, movie. You can't fool us this easily! Oh, and there's a good reason why Mrs. Fitz is so calm after discovering the body: she's maniacally insane! She informs Brigitte of her plot to blow up the house and run away with her daughters to somewhere far from there…so Brigitte, rightly freaked out by this, runs into the party to save her sister by becoming infected with the werewolf disease as well. I'm so confused. Oh, and Mrs. Fitz goes into the party as well…carrying a container with Trina's fingers in it the whole while. That's just…absurd.

The only thing more terrifying than
the special effects: werewolf boob.

Sam knocks out Ginger and he and Brigitte load up the wolf-woman into his van. During the ride to the Fitzgerald house, Ginger gets all ugly and finally turns into…the GOOFIEST, MOST FAKE LOOKING WEREWOLF EVER (not that I would know what a real werewolf looks like)! She escapes into the house upon arrival and I wish this movie would find its resolution in the near future. Sam and Brigitte sneak around the darkened house and it seems that Ginger is inside the walls as she bangs on them and knocks down a picture. That's always a bad omen. Sam and Brigitte take refuge in the pantry and begin to cook up another dose of monk's hood…and then Ginger mauls Sam. Oops. Brigitte follows to the basement, but on the way she gets lightheaded and drops the syringe. She finds the very bloody Sam and the Ginger-monster…and then starts eating Sam's blood! You have got to be kidding me. Honestly, movie…have you no decency? Brigitte throws up, grabs the syringe, and retreats to the sisters' bedroom, where she stabs her weresister with a knife rather than the needle and then starts crying. And then the movie ends…thankfully.

You know, I really don't know where to go with this movie. As I said before, it is not funny if it's a comedy, it's unintentionally funny if it's a horror movie, and it's just plain absurd if it's a drama. It seems like, throughout the picture, each genre is touched on, but none of them are committed to. There are the usual horror clichés, mainly the "sex = death" theme as well as the tremendous amounts of gore. Then there's what should be the funny parts, like the grotesque natures of the school nurse and Mrs. Fitzgerald…that should have really been played up for laughs. There's also the bond between the sisters and their conflict with everyone else around them, one of the hallmarks of a dramatic plot. Yet, this movie cannot be called any of those things. I believe that this film was originally intended to be some great metaphor for puberty and developing into womanhood…but it went horribly awry in practice. It's all The Breakfast Club's fault, anyway.

Join me next week for the beginning of a trilogy of butt-kicking HOT CHICKS. See you then!