A Fool's Utopia 7.30.09: Fall TV Preview Part IV: ABC

Posted by Ron Martin on 07.30.2009

From Cougartown to Eastwick, a preview of ABC's Fall lineup! Plus, thoughts on the Letterman vs. Conan vs. Leno late night ratings war, Michael and Michael Have Issues, the 3D movies craze, RAW's guest host, the Family Guy abortion episode, and more! And we look back at the great Captain Caveman!

We're up to bat with the last of the major networks. Last year, ABC only offered up two shows in the Fall. With the boneheadedness of the ABC execs over the last few years, my expectations going into this one are pretty low.

2008 Recap

Opportunity Knocks

I wrote…"Look for this one to do okay (not great) until Idol midseason."

REALITY: Like I said, it didn't do great. The problem is that it didn't do okay. After three episodes it got yanked. It hasn't officially been cancelled yet, but what show that got pulled after three episodes has staying power?

Life on Mars

I wrote…"This is pretty much DOA…news is ABC is fiddling around with the pilot. That's almost a sure sign it won't be around for long"

REALITY: I was right….almost. I really thought this wouldn't get through a season, but it did. That's it. It was cancelled because it's a new law that nothing can be on television more than one season now.

ABC Batting Avg: .000

Previews

Cougartown, Wednesdays, 9:30 PM



Don't think that ABC got all clever with the name, this is exactly what the name implies – a Desperate Housewives ripoff. Oh, they try to play it off as the town being all about the high school football team, the Cougars while secretly laughing because their clever title could mean two different things. That last sentence should be read in your best patronizing baby tone. STRIKE ONE. This is another shot at TV for Courtney Cox, which is fine. BALL ONE. It's all about her getting old and trying to hit on boys younger than her – even high school kids. Uhm….that's illegal. STRIKE TWO. This is the Disney station? The problem is Courtney doesn't have much in the way of a supporting cast, and has nothing in the way of writers. Previews are filled with alleged jokes, though I didn't even inwardly giggle at any of them. It's very similar to when the older ladies you work with try to spout off cliché jokes. Yeah, it's "looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays." Brutal. STRIKE THREE. YOOOUUU'RRREEE OOOOUUTTT!!!

The Middle, Wednesdays, 8:30 PM



I'm guessing Wednesdays are going to be "banking on the star power of former TV stars" night for ABC. In this one, they're counting on Patricia Heaton to bring the goods. I think they're faith is a bit misled. I never understood the attraction to any character outside of Peter Boyle on Everybody Loves Raymond and Heaton was one of the worst offenders (aside from only Romano himself.) STRIKE ONE. If Cougartown is a poor man's Desperate Housewives, then The Middle is a poor man's Malcolm in the Middle with the "middle" part meaning mid-life as opposed to the middle child. However, they probably shouldn't remind us of a show with the same concept done a lot better than this show can do it. STRIKE TWO. I don't know who told the littlest boy in this series to be the most annoying kid in the world, but seeing as the goal is to try and get people to NOT turn the channel, it probably wasn't a good idea. STRIKE THREE. YOOOOUUU'RRREEE OOUUUTTT! This "comedy" has as many funny lines as Cougartown That's 0 for those keeping track of such things.

Eastwick, Tuesdays, 10:00 PM



Once again, ABC managed to give away the entire show in just the title. Yes, this is a TV version of The Witched of Eastwick. Outside of Buffy, has there ever been a popular TV series based on a movie? Just curious. In this one, three ladies become witches in the New England town of Eastwick, complete with devil character. One can make men do anything she wants, so she tells her boss to give her all his money. Fair enough. BALL ONE. Another can heal and hurt, which causes her deadbeat husband to get struck by lightning. It's okay, he wasn't working and they somehow lived in a house that is easily a few hundred thousand dollars, so she don't need him. STRIKE ONE. The other is Rebecca Romijn, who look about as not hot as is possible for her. That takes talent. STRIKE TWO. What do they do with their powers? I have no idea. From what I can tell, they sit around a round table and drink martinis. Exhilarating. STRIKE THREE. YOOOUU'REEEE OOOUUTTTT!!!

Never Got Up to Bat: The Deep End is a law drama that (if possible) looks even more boring than all the other law dramas…Flash Forward has the chance to be decent…The Forgotten is a poor man's Cold Case…Happytown is being marketed as similar to Twin Peaks. I am sure that it's not, but it does have potential…Hank is the new Kelsey Grammar show that will round out "Please watch these former TV stars" Wednesdays….Modern Family looks pretty good. Anything that gets Ed O'Neill and Sofia Vergara on my TV is a good thing. For different reasons of course….They're remaking V. Yay?....and finally, they may have a Christmas special worth checking out.

Overall: Too bad they hyped the first three that I listed the most because it looks like they might have some decent stuff on the undercard. Happytown and Modern Family may be worth a couple of DVR slots, but the rest of it is pretty much the same drivel or poor ripoffs of the same drivel.

What to Watch on ABC: Better Off Ted, Lost, Ugly Betty.

-- I fear that the late night ratings war is going to get more interesting once Jay Leno's show starts airing in September. You know and I know that Letterman is getting more ratings that Conan right now because the people who like Conan are either not home when the show is airing or don't make it a priority to watch every night. That and the fact that old people like things that aren't new and scary. Conan is new and scary. Dave has been on TV since the early 80s, when old people were just middle aged. When Jay left, they migrated to Dave, nothing to be worried about, right? You know that. I know that. This is network execs we're talking about here, however. I am interested to see how long NBC give Conan before they find some way to weasel Leno's mug back, thus making Conan a failure in their eyes. Or they could just rejoice in having more of the coveted 18-34 category and reap the rewards when Letterman decides to hang them up. Then again, I'm not an almighty network exec. I know how to tie shoes. I can't see how they could possibly push Jay back to late night, but if he gets decent prime time ratings and Conan continues to get beat, I wouldn't put it past them to try something just short of giving the show back to Jay.



-- I caught the new Michael and Michael Have Issues on Comedy Central recently. It's kind of a sketch show that revolves around a real life adventure for Mike and Mike. For example, in the show I saw, they were trying to buy pot. In between their marijuana adventure, other skits would play out. I'd say it's a Michael Ian Black vehicle, but really, how many ‘vehicles' has this guy had? It's a strange career. I've liked every show he's been on (I especially loved me some Johnny Bluejeans on Viva Variety), but every show he is on is so short lived. He was the highlight of most of the I Love… series on VH1, thus giving him many opportunities to garner a following. I'm guessing the mainstream doesn't understand his form of comedy. Yet, they somehow ‘get' Dane Cook This show is alright, but it'll be cancelled after one season. You can just see it coming. Then what happens to Mr. Black? I feel like he should be on my TV, I just don't know where.

-- Can we get over the 3D thing already? Every ten years or so, 3D come back in vogue and I can't wait for it to get over. Three dimensional effects rarely add anything to a movie except for a cheap way to get more money out of your pocket! Don't believe me? Disney it releasing no less than four movies in 3D within the next year and a half; Beauty and the Beast and three Toy Story movies including the third one. Do you know what's even sillier than making 3D movies? Re-releasing movies that weren't meant to be 3D movies in 3D! What's the point of that? Why don't we just make a line and hand our money to the production company, let them swat us on the behind and save two hours of our time. Until the holodeck become reality, I have no need to pay extra money to wear bi-colored glasses so the bushes at the bottom of the screen appear to be a foot closer to me than they would without the glasses. I think I'll stick to 2D for now, thanks.


FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS

1. As someone trying to find a literary agent, it sort of disturbed me to see a hardback book by Carmen Electra. Really? What could Carmen Electra have to say that the world needed to hear so bad that a book needed to be written? If the book had been titled No Talent Necessary: How Plastic Surgery and Spreading Your Legs Can Get You to the Top, then I wouldn't be so bitter.

2. Comedy Central is presenting a roast of Joan Rivers? Isn't this the definition of beating a dead horse?

3. I know a lot people over at 411Wrestling rag on the "Host of the Week" gimmick the WWE has going right now, but I think it's working. I watched the Seth Green episode. I worked in the bar during the Shaq episode and had college kids running in and out watching to see if Shaq was going to do something. One kid was even comparing his own fro to that of Carlitos. Don't know how involved Jeremy Piven is going to be, but he's charismatic enough to get the crowd into it.



4. I've seen every episode of Warehouse 13. It's not bad. The chemistry is getting better and as I was hoping, they amped up the quirkiness quite a bit. Most importantly, I find myself wanting to do naughtier and naughtier things to Joanne Kelly. At first, I couldn't get past her constant look of confusion, now I need the look – it's like a fetish. Seriously, the acting has improved since the pilot and the look is no longer constant. That doesn't make my thoughts concerning her anymore pure, however.

5. Is it bad that I am completely indifferent when it comes to Family Guy and their abortion episode. I really don't care if they air it or not. If they air it, I'll probably watch it, then completely forget about it. If they don't air it, I'll just completely forget about it. I am equally happy with either result. However, I am outraged at the crap Comedy Central is trying to pull with the cast of Futurama.

-- Do you sometimes catch yourself humming the theme song to The Facts of Life? Have you ever answered the question, who would you rather bone, Mallory from Family Ties or Carol from Growing Pains? Do you still rock the rattail? If you do, cut that damn thing off, not everything from RETRO should be celebrated!

Today, I reintroduce to you a character that has taken residence deep in the back of your mind. A character instantly recognizable, but quickly forgotten. Such is the legacy of your hero and mine…Captain Caveman.



I know what you're thinking and no, I have no explanation as to why the Teen Angels are wearing rather skimpy attire to find a caveman embedded in ice. Mr. Caveman, or the Captain as I like to call him, is in an odd position when it comes to old school cartoons. Not quite universal enough to be remembered/parodied without though (likeScooby Doo or The Flintstones) but a bit too ingrained in our head to be a clever pop culture reference (like Snorks or Jabber Jaws). The Captain is somewhere in between. There's never any talk of a live action movie or even of bringing his show to DVD, but the Captain keeps fighting the good fight. I blame those damn GEICO Cavemen.



For those not in the know, Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels were one of those Hanna-Barbera 70s cut and paste cartoons. Cut and past in that there were always teenagers, there was always a mystery to be solved, it was just a matter of who helped them along the way; a dog for Scooby Doo, a record producer for Josie and the Pussycats, a shark for Jabberjaws, etc. The good Captain was a champion crossover star appearing on just about every 70s era Hanna Barbera show there was. I want to say at one time he may even have been a regular character on some incarnation of Flintstones.

While the Captain wasn't exactly a wordsmith, he did have a way with the ladies, as you would expect any guy who hangs out with three hot teenagers would be. Come to think of it, isn't this a brilliant idea for a porno? Don't steal my idea! As the Captain matured, he found the ways of the teen ladies to be a bit shallow and started spending more time with his son to a an unknown mother, birthing the show Captain Caveman and Son. His timing was impeccable as a huge Hanna Barbara characters as kids rage was sweeping the nation.



To me, the pushing of Captain Caveman back into the recesses of the dirty minds of Americans is a travesty. The Captain could teach the yutes of today a little about….well, everything including banging teen chicks. The lack of rumors regarding a comeback or DVD release involving this man sicken me. It sickens me almost as much as…



You say ridiculous, I say ingenious! At some point in the late 80s/early 90s, someone made a buttload of money off of novelty dancing plastic flowers. Here's how they worked. You put a battery in the thing and turned on the radio. Your flower would dance the night away like Amy Winehouse on a coke binge. Speaking of Coke…



With the success of the flowers, it wasn't long before anything that could wear little plastic sunglasses was rocking to the beat. I can't remember how these things were priced because even as much as a pop culture whore that I am, I can't think that I would have brought myself to purchase one of these. It didn't stop my mom, however. We had our very own dancing flower in the dining room. It may seem silly but even now, try to walk by one without clapping your hands or whistling to make it dance. It's a nigh impossible task!

Forgotten Video

This week's forgotten video comes to you from extremely underrated rockers, Living Colour. Living Colour is known mostly for their first single "Cult of Personality." While that's a great song, I always liked the second (mostly forgotten) single released off Vivid, "Glamour Boys." I liked it so much that when the e-wrestling craze hit the internet in the 90s, I created a team called The Glamour Boys. Kind of a MNM (complete with hot chick manager) ten years before MNM.


Living Colour - Glamour Boys (Official Music Video) - The funniest home videos are here

Next weekend I am hoping will be my first RETRO weekend that I planned on having at the beginning of the summer, but it never panned out. What's a RETRO weekend? A Friday doing nothing but playing video games, drinking Mt. Dew and eating pizza. The rest of the weekend is 80s movies/TV Shows. Don't know exactly what I'm going to watch yet, but I think I want to celebrate the idea with a new DVD purchase. Any ideas?

Random Screenshot from a Random SNES game I owned

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

July 30, 1986

#1 Song


"Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel

*Welcome to the most played video in MTV history. This is the only week it will be #1, which tells me without all the airplay, it probably wouldn't have been #1 at all. This was a groundbreaking video at the time and honestly, is still unique.

#1 Album



Top Gun Soundtrack

NOTABLES: "On My Own" with Michael McDonald

#1 Movie



Aliens

NOTABLE OPENS: Maximum Overdrive, Haunted Honeymoon

I must leave you now. I'll be back next week. Hey man, stay groovy.