Deleted Scenes 08.06.09: Winning is Awesome
Posted by Robert Sullivan on 08.06.2009
Leading America in taking down Funny People? Yeah, you could say it was a very productive weekend for me, readers. Come on in.
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Deleted Scenes. We forces of what's right, good, and all things anti-moralizing won a very important victory this past weekend, but let's do a little bit of business before we get down to that business -
And after you read all that content, go ahead and make 411Mania YOUR official homepage.
All that out of the way, people, it's time to celebrate.
The Column
$22.7 million.
Let's go ahead and say that again.
All that promotion, all those commercials, nothing but wall-to-wall "the third film from Judd Apatow" as if that's supposed to be impressive and what happens?
$22.7 million.
No worries, I can hear the complaints from here. Anguished moans of "It's #1 at the box office, how can that be a bad thing?" ring out clear across the 'Tubes.
Sad, sweet, gentle reader.
When a film's opening weekend as compared to its (arguably) series' precedessor is akin to Evel Knievel trying and failing to jump the Grand Canyon, getting to put the "#1 MOVIE IN AMERICA!!!!!11" banner at the top of your newspaper ads is like framing your kid's Participation ribbon at the Special Olympics.
When the film is placed on the scale of your lead actor's previous comedic grosses and the only response is to laughably whine that the movie should be placed in a different genre and compared with said actor's films there, you lose. And you look pathetic to boot.
The CinemaScore on Funny People: B-. Now you longtime readers will know how averse I am to the argumentum ad populum fallacy, but in this instance...grazie, America. Grazie. You all rose as one to show support and declare in unison, quite frankly, that I am correct.
Preachy, moralistic crap shellacked with Wild 'n' Crazy Guys! wrapping paper is out. Why it took Funny People for people to come around to my way of thinking? What was it about this garbage that finally convinced people? Well, quite frankly, I can't really be quite sure of that.
My best guess is that while The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up had similar lengths, they didn't feel that long. However, from all reports, Funny People feels as long as Shoah. Maybe even the real Shoah. Given all that time to sit alone with your thoughts, after you wonder how many people are having sex right now in the world, whether you locked the front door, and if Birthers really do believe their all ridiculous nonsense...eventually, a sense of the familiar had to creep in.
A feeling that the complaints that were piling up in your minds...well...that you heard them before.
But where?
And then you remembered me.
Then America sat uncomfortably together, rode the collective chill down their spines, and thought, "My God." Actually, no. The reaction was more like this -
For that, I suppose, in the most delicious twist of all, I have to thank Judd Apatow. Without his crappy writing, without his insistence on never editing shit out of his films, it just wouldn't have been possible.
So thank you, Judd.
Thanks for showing the audience the entire fucking tape of one of your kids singing "Memory" from Cats. Most directors would've said, "You know what, I could just show the reactions of the actors, slim down the run time, and be more effective dramatically at the same time," but not you. You said, "That's my cute kid, damn it, and I'm gonna make sure all of America sighs, checks their watches, and wonders how the line outside the bathroom is while they watch my little girl sing showtunes!"
Thanks for letting us watch a dog lick peanut butter off your wife's face. Some might've thought, "Fuck, this scene might've looked cute on paper, but this is absolutely useless to the narrative." Not Judd Apatow. "I have a hot wife who can't really act, and Goddamn it, who cares if the audience realizes they STILL haven't seen Eric Bana yet in this fucking film as long as they're watching my hottie wife rolling around on the floor for no reason whatsoever!"
And in no particular order, big ups to you for letting us see scene after interminable scene of a fake sitcom, for endless comedy routines that weren't amusing in the slightest, and especially focusing on your wife's ass in a tight pair of jeans. Hey, you make crappy movies that up until now the American public liked, but you do have a wife in possession of a great ass. Ask Rob Zombie how the audience likes needless showcases of your special ladyfriend's ass, though. The answer may surprise you.
Wow, there's a scary thought. The effects of Judd Apatow on cinematic comedy compared to the effects of Rob Zombie on the character of Michael Myers.
*shudder*
But I digress.
This is a day to rejoice, readers. This is a day for all of us to share, even though I did most of the work. Does this mean the guy's out of business tomorrow? Of course not. But did we tarnish his Midas touch this past weekend? We sure did. Did we give studio heads a solid reason to finally tell Judd Apatow to get his fucking movies to the editing room? That we did.
Yes we can. Hope. Change.
Some might say the country coming together to elect its first black president was a monumental shift.
The United States of America making possible the very idea of a Judd Apatow film that's under two hours long, however?
