Misunderstood Masterpieces 8.11.09: Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
Posted by Will Helm on 08.11.2009
...or, The Virtual Reason Why Some Gamers Don't Need a Girlfriend
Way back in 1996, Core Designs, in league with Eidos Interactive, released what would come to be a phenomenon on the Sega Saturn: a little game called Tomb Raider. While there were many action games preceding Tomb Raider, none featured a protagonist quite like the series' lead character, Lara Croft. Though supposedly a member of British aristocracy, Ms. Croft eschewed a life of leisure among the landed gentry for Indiana Jones-inspired archeology I'm sure these IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS were of little consequence to Tomb Raider's fans, however, as the game's players became enamored by the exciting action, challenging puzzles, and . . . oh, who am I kidding? Gamers flocked to Tomb Raider thanks to Ms. Croft's prodigious virtual dimensions, skin tight shirt, and impractically short shorts.
Am I inferring that some gamers and the bulk of Tomb Raider fans are perverts? Maybe . . .
I just know I'm going to have the song from The Lion King playing in my head.
Unsurprisingly, the success of the Tomb Raider series meant that a film adaptation was impossible to avoid, even though the majority of video-game adaptations are HORRIBLE. Of course, the makers of 2001 made a wise decision in casting the lead role. Rather than hire a young unknown or even B-list actor to portray the series' famous heroine, the crew behind 2001's Lara Croft: Tomb Raider chose an Oscar winner to fill out Ms. Croft's wardrobe: Angelina Jolie. Jolie's talents, in addition to some care to an actual quality film, made Lara Croft: Tomb Raider a rare movie: an actual successful video-game adaptation.
Alas, the filmmakers couldn't rest on their laurels, as a sequel was commissioned to follow up on the first film's success. Unfortunately, their first step was glaring misstep, as the lead credited writer on the film is none other than Steven E. de Souza, scribe of such classics as Commando, Street Fighter, Die Hard 2, and Beverly Hills Cop III. In addition, the final film featured a title that could barely fit on a marquee: Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. These factors, as well as a rash of terrible video-game adaptations and a bevy of treasure-hunter flicks, added up to a film flop which couldn't recoup it's $90 million budget at the domestic box office, despite Angelina Jolie's star power. As seen before, though, star power can be no match for a Misunderstood Masterpiece, but is Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life worthy of that title? Let's find out!
The pixelated bosom that started it all, and her many real-life variations:
On a rocky isle in Greece – Santorini, specifically, a bride and groom dance; wait, am I actually watching My Big Fat Authentic Greek Wedding? Perhaps not, as after the traditional dance concludes, the guests start rocking out for no reason in particular, including the little old Greek ladies in attendance. Because no one rocks harder than an elderly woman with blue-rinsed hair. Unfortunately, the power of the nuptial rocking proves to be too much for the island, as it sets off an earthquake that spoils the party. While the attendees run for cover, computer-generated rocks fall from the cliffsides and into the Aegean, endangering the credits sequence going on below the surface of the water.
Sometime later, treasure hunters descend on Santorini, as apparently temblors may unearth hidden relics. While some balding Greek guy complains about his rivals, Lara Croft (Jolie) shows up out of nowhere to terrorize him with some mad jet-ski skillz. After Lara finishes her routine for the X-Games, she and her distracting British accent come aboard the Greek guy's ship, where she reveals that she's searching for something from Alexander the Great that may be on the site. In addition, Lara proves herself to be the awesomest treasure hunter ever by outsmarting her rivals through the use of a geological survey. Ah, it's red hot tectonic action! Though Lara celebrates this revelation, her Greek cohort is worried and superstitious of something.
Angelina Jolie
Lara Croft, as per her particular idiom, ignores her host's warnings and heads underwater with two assistants. Deep in the depths of the Aegean, Lara finds a shark and a giant statue of Jigsaw from the Saw series. Eventually, Lara discovers a hidden temple of legend, where Purple Parrots and Green Monkeys take orders from a giant, evil Olmec head. Or there's actually just a ton of Alex the Great's relics . . . as well as a huge statue of Greek Abraham Lincoln, which Lara climbs, just to show off her athletic skills. Lara then takes refuge in the rafters, where she spies an ancient disco ball hanging in the center of the room.
While Lara tries to free the disco ball from its moorings, a team of evil Asians show up and kill Lara's assistants. With the underlings out of the way, the evil Asians then turn their attention to Lara and try to harpoon her. She escapes with only a flesh wound, but the leader of the evil Asians steals the disco ball. Lara, no longer burdened by the disco ball, fends off the evil Asians as the hidden temple collapses around them. In the chaos, the evil Asians escape while Lara swims to safety by punching a CGI shark and riding it.
Lara, waiting on the surface of the water, is eventually rescued by an inexplicable submarine, since I suppose all fashionable noble treasure hunters have one. Meanwhile, in an evil corporate jet, some evil guy (Ciarán Hinds) chats with his evil associates. The evil guy first kills one of his evil associates with some ebola as a measure of REVENGE for ratting him out to MI-6 and then the evil guy explains that he has a new weapon . . . an archaeological weapon. Sometime later, the evil corporate jet lands in Hong Kong, since the evil guy just happens to be in league with the evil Asians as well, and they apparently have his secret weapon. I wonder if it's the disco ball?
Rhona Mitra
Back on the Croft family estate, Lara spars with her martial-arts instructor/butler (Chris Barrie) while yelling at her goofy technical expert (Noah Taylor). After the sparring and scolding conclude, Lara retreats to the grounds, where she rides a horse and shoots targets in a very acrobatic manner. Alas, her fun is rudely interrupted by the arrival of MI-6, who just so happen to know all about the evil Asians and are willing to provide much needed exposition. Somehow, this exposition leads to Lara having an epiphany regarding . . . Pandora's Box! Wait, I thought this was based on Tomb Raider, not God of War. Actually, it turns out that it's neither, as Pandora's Box is actually the container of some sort of divine Egyptian plague, which also happens to be the evil guy's supposed super-weapon. Great. So now it's The Raiders of the Lost Ark. MI-6, unsurprisingly, wants Lara to stop the evil guy, but she requests the help of some infamous mercenary, leaving the MI-6 agents aghast.
Since Lara Croft is both an aristocrat and a HOT CHICK, she gets what she wants . . . and apparently that involves going to Kazakhstan. Hopefully it's not for sexy times, as her first destination is the local prison, where hunky mercenary Terry Sheridan (Gerard Butler) is working out in his cell. Ah, Gerard Butler, perhaps the best actor with the worst résumé in cinema today. After all, how many other actors can claim roles in everything from 300 to The Phantom of the Opera, The Ugly Truth, and Dracula 2000? Anyway, Lara, with the backing of MI-6, makes Terry an offer of amnesty and a little cash to go with it and Terry, being a stereotypical mercenary, accepts the deal. So I guess this movie is like two-player co-op now?
Nell McAndrew
On the trail of the evil Asians, Lara and Terry glide down to the hinterlands of China, where they intentionally crash land – and nearly kill an innocent fisherman, all to avoid detection from the Chinese authorities. Later, Lara and Terry meet their Chinese contact and Lara radios home, just to let her butler and tech expert know she's alright. After a little bit of friendly banter, Terry and Lara hit the road, or, more accurately, they hit the Great Wall, which Lara rides a motorcycle over. Lara and Terry later go off-road, where they have a motorcycle duel that leads nowhere. Just to stretch out this part of the movie further, Lara and Terry then ditch the bikes and go hiking, during which Terry questions Lara about a past tryst they had, but she's not into him anymore. Yeah, that's really believable.
Elsewhere in China, the evil guy's goons kidnap an unsuspecting Asian courier. The unsuspecting Asian courier delivers a package to the evil guy, but the evil guy has the unsuspecting Asian guy killed when he finds the box only contains a cell phone. The evil guy, who probably should have done this before he killed the Asian courier, calls the evil Asian with the cell phone and the evil Asian boss (Simon Yam) uses the opportunity to change the terms of their working relationship. The evil guy concedes on one condition: the evil Asian kill Lara Croft! Dum-dum-DUM!
Speaking of Lara, she's busy arguing with Terry, which gives the evil Asian's troops the opportunity to capture them. Don't worry, folks; it was all part of Terry's brilliant plan, with which he neglected to fill in Lara. Lara and Terry are forcibly escorted to the evil Asian boss' evil Asian lair, where the evil Asian boss reveals himself to be not so evil because he's willing to negotiate a better deal with Lara. To that end, the evil Asian boss takes Lara to see his private collection of terracotta warriors. Lara once again makes an offer to the evil Asian boss, but he refuses, so he and Lara fight, since that's always the next step in any negotiation. I'll have to try that at my next annual review when I don't like my raise.
Lara Weller
While Lara battles the evil Asian boss, some giant Asian guy beats up Terry, just because. Eventually, after an interminable fight scene, Lara preposterously fends off the evil Asian boss with an old, unloaded rifle. Even more unbelievably, this bests the evil Asian boss; perhaps he was subdued by the absurdity of the moment? Lara, with the butt of the rifle at the evil Asian boss' throat, extracts some much needed exposition from him and then she lets him go . . . until he tries to kill her, so she kills him in REVENGE! As Lara leaves, Terry defeats the giant Asian guy and he and Lara escape the compound in slow motion.
With crucial information in hand, Lara radios home once again and then the scene shifts to Shanghai, where Lara and Terry wait in a pagoda for something important to happen. While waiting, Lara and Terry have another heart-to-heart, this time about his dastardly mercenary ways; he confesses that he doesn't regret anything . . . except for leaving Lara back in the day. Before Terry and Lara have a chance to reconcile their love, another evil Asian guy arrives, as well as the evil guy and his evil helicopter. While Terry devises a complicated plan to stop them, Lara merely rides a neon dragon over the street and shoots at the evil helicopter, which causes the evil guy to fly away like it's some sort of video game or something. As a shootout breaks out on the streets, Terry and Lara take to the rooftops, where Lara pole vaults onto the evil helicopter while the evil guy picks up an evil package from the evil Asian guy. There sure is a lot of evil in this movie! Lara's plan works perfectly, until she falls off the evil helicopter, allowing the evil guy to get away. Of course, this was all part of her plan, as she left a tracking device on the evil package and can follow the evil guy and stop his evil plans!
Lucy Clarkson
Once again in Hong Kong, the evil guy's scientists try to open the disco ball with a really complicated array of lasers. Meanwhile, downstairs, some little Asian kid annoys the evil guy by pressing all the buttons in the elevator they're riding. No word on whether or not the evil guy gave the little Asian kid bubonic plague in REVENGE for that. While the evil guy takes the WORLD'S SLOWEST ELEVATOR, Lara and Terry break into his lab and Lara sets off the fire alarm. While the scientists slowly file out of the laboratory – and totally disprove the term "Chinese fire drill" in the process, the evil guy finds out about what's going on and is none too happy.
Yet again, as it seems to follow Lara and Terry, another shootout occurs, which Lara brings to an abrupt end by beating a henchman with broken glass and a pistol-whipping. Before Lara can celebrate winning back the disco ball, the evil guy and his troops show up to spoil her fun and capture her. Lara, now a captive, tries to bargain with the evil guy, but he reveals that he's not interested in his evil associates' money, he wants to use Pandora's Box to become Emperor of the World! And, unfortunately for Lara, the evil guy doesn't see her in that world, so he orders her executed.
Before that order can be carried out, however, Terry springs into action to rescue Lara and, during the tumult, she steals the disco ball. Lara and Terry then make a hasty exit from the building . . . and head up to the roof. Why? Why must they always head to the roof? Shockingly, this is all part of Lara and Terry's scheme, as, from the roof, they jump off the building and reveal that they're wearing glide suits, which they use to take flight over Hong Kong harbor. Once out of the evil guy's reach, Lara and Terry land safely on a waiting tanker and sail off to freedom.
Jill de Jong
At sea, Terry surveys the disco ball and asks Lara about it. She blows him off a bit, but, later they end up making out for no particular reason. Maybe it's because Terry's just so hunky. Or Lara's a bit of a freak, as she handcuffs Terry to a bed frame in the heat of passion. Alas, rather than a kinky addition to their lovemaking, it turns out that Lara suspects Terry isn't totally loyal to her – in the business sense, not the sexual sense – and she fires him from the job. Terry, knowing when he's been beaten, responds the only way he can think of at the moment: he psychoanalyzes Lara. Freud would be proud.
With Terry safely incapacitated, Lara boats over to another boat in Hong Kong harbor, where she commandeers an innocent family's television while they watch Cantonese SpongeBob SquarePants. After Lara hotwires the television, she steals a little girl's gum to affix a webcam to the television – ooh, kinky! -- and uses it to chat with her tech assistant – ooh, not kinky! Though the tech assistant acts strangely, Lara tells him to use what he's learned about some other clue to turn on the disco ball and he does, though reluctantly. While the innocent Chinese family looks on, Lara watches as the disco ball projects a holographic movie throughout the room and she finally discovers that Pandora's Box in Africa. And here I would've thought Pandora's Box was in Pandora's Panties. Alas, the evil guy also finds out the location of Pandora's Box in the process, as he had the tech assistant and the butler all along.
Lara, hot on the trail of Pandora's Box, which sounds kind of hot, considering Angelina Jolie's past proclivities, calls up Djimon Hounsou over in Tanzania. While they chat, Lara parachutes into his Jeep, since she just knows the right way to make an entrance. Meanwhile, back in Hong Kong, Terry goes looking for Lara and, much to his surprise, the little Chinese girl rats her out. Back in Africa, Lara and Djimon Hounsou meet with a tribal leader, who freaks out at the sight of the disco ball. At first he refuses to help Lara, but she reasons with him and explains that she's not as evil as the guy following her, so he really ought to help her instead. Remarkably, this works and the tribal leader provides exposition and an escort to the resting place of Pandora's Box.
Karima Adebibe
Deep in the wilds, Lara jokes with one of her escorts until the evil guy's army shows up to shoot down the kindly tribesmen and capture Lara once again. The evil guy, perhaps feeling charitable, elects to bargain with Lara, but, this time, he uses her butler and tech expert as collateral, guaranteeing Lara's cooperation. After Lara and the evil guy team up – and Terry silently follows behind, the group wanders into a haunted forest, where creepy mandrills watch the interlopers. Then, for no reason whatsoever, the creepy mandrills start killing the troops . . . but it turns out that it's not the creepy mandrills doing the killing, but friggin' RANCORS! How did George Lucas get involved in this? Other than writing the Indiana Jones movies, that is?
While the evil guy's troops freak out, the evil guy calmly threatens Djimon Hounsou, which causes Lara to have a flashback. After her little acid trip, Lara steals the disco ball and runs through the forest like she's on American Gladiators. In fact, she even drops the disco ball in some sort of altar like she's playing Powerball and, remarkably, this disintegrates the friggin' RANCORS!
In addition to ending the threat of the friggin' RANCORS, the disco ball also opens a hidden cave, in which lies Pandora's Box. Before anything exciting can happen, however, Terry shows up to complicate the proceedings. While Lara and the evil guy stare at Pandora's Box – hopefully she shaves, or at least trims, the evil guy starts rambling and then they fight until the cave starts messing with the evil guy's mind, as if it's been designed by M.C. Escher or something. While Terry grabs Pandora's Box – and she lets him because he's hunky, Lara drops the evil guy into a pool of magic acid and, just like every villain in all these treasure-hunter films (e.g. Belloq, Toht, and Donovan . . . yet more Indiana Jones allusions), he slowly, gruesomely melts.
Alison Carroll
With the evil guy out of the way, Lara and Terry make out again and plan their escape from the freaky cave. Unfortunately, Terry would like to take Pandora's Box along and Lara isn't particularly happy about that. After Lara voices her displeasure with Terry's decision, Terry punches her out. Pimp hand, thy be strong! Terry then lectures her about being a proper treasure hunter; Lara doesn't appreciate the condescension, so she shoots him. OK then. Remind me never to condescend Lara Croft. In the aftermath, Lara almost opens up Pandora's Box – I guess she goes both ways; nice – but, instead of totally ruining the entire premise of the movie with one stupid decision, she returns the box to the pool of magical acid. She then climbs up out of the pit and hangs out with Djimon Hounsou. She later mocks her butler and tech expert and they all drive off into the sunset of an aborted action franchise.
Though Lara Croft has sometimes been hailed as a great character because she's an independent woman, Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life would be nothing without the Indiana Jones series. Though modernized and with a female protagonist, The Cradle of Life seems remarkably derivative of its predecessor, right down to the melting antagonist. However, unlike the Harrison Ford classics, which were largely tightly paced, The Cradle of Life breaks up a few too many action set pieces with dull exposition or pointless "romantic" bickering between Lara and Terry. Only Noah Taylor provides any semblance of comic relief, and he's barely in the movie . . . and barely comical at that. The Cradle of Life is nothing more than a paint-by-numbers action flick and a disappointing end to what would have been a promising franchise, meaning that it has to rest on its laurels of being a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as a squad of HOT CHICKS learns all about espionage and lesbianism. See you then!
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