Misunderstood Masterpieces 8.18.09: D.E.B.S.
Posted by Will Helm on 08.18.2009
...or, The Best Lesbian Romantic Comedy Featuring Nubile Female Spies Ever Made!
Though spy films have existed for most of the history of cinema, coming to a head thanks to Ian Fleming's James Bond in the 1960s – and the copycats to follow, there have been very few films to feature female spies. While 007, Matt Helm (no relation), and Derek Flint may have romanced more than their share of women throughout the years, there are generally no cinematic equivalents to these legendary espionage agents.
In 2003, however, that sort of changed, as independent filmmaker Angela Robinson made a short film featuring a team of young female spies entitled D.E.B.S. The short film was largely well received on the festival circuit . . . and not just because of the significance of having female spies as the lead characters. In addition to that break from tradition, the short film also featured a lesbian romance between two of the main characters – the lead heroine and villain, specifically, which would explain why many of the festivals D.E.B.S. was showcased at also happened to be gay and lesbian film festivals.
It's a shame the border of the picture is unreadable and I don't feel like transcribing it.
Surprisingly, though lauded by a very specific audience, Hollywood took notice of D.E.B.S.' success and a full-length feature was optioned from the short film. Released one year after its predecessor, D.E.B.S. expands upon the plot of the short film while replacing most of the cast with slightly more famous actors – except for one exception. Sadly, though the short film made some waves, the feature version was largely lambasted by critics and forgotten in a small-width release. Did D.E.B.S. deserve such mistreatment at the hands of cinema, or is there something more going on under the surface . . . perhaps, in fact, D.E.B.S. is a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
Just because I haven't seen it – or heard it, more accurately – in a film in a while, the movie opens with an expository monologue! Oh, dear friend, how I haven't missed you so. Apparently, in the world of the film, there is a secret test given alongside the SATs – as if high school juniors and seniors didn't have ENOUGH to worry about – but this mysterious test seeks the most duplicitous of students and the best of those students are chosen to become the titular – no pun intended – D.E.B.S., teams of HOT CHICK crime-fighting spies.
Somewhere, at the D.E.B.S.' dorm, a plaid forcefield denies a paperboy his appointed rounds while Michael Clarke Duncan awakens a bevy of sleeping HOT CHICKS. Or, specifically, just headstrong Max (Meagan Good), who then wakes up smarty-pants Amy (Sara Foster), prissy Janet (Jill Ritchie, the only holdover from the original film . . . and Kid Rock's sister), and slutty Francophone Dominique (Devon Aoki). While Dominique shoves some illicit boy from her bed, Janet searches for a lost gun and Amy argues with her meat-headed boyfriend on the phone. It's nice to see that female spies aren't much different than regular females, but perhaps very different than regular spies.
Evidently Sara Foster decided to channel Mia Farrow at the premiere.
The quartet of D.E.B.S. drives badly through Los Angeles to meet with Michael Clarke Duncan at a diner, where the girls order meals as per their particular idioms. While the girls enjoy breakfast, Michael Clarke Duncan summons a hologram and briefs the girls on an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT: a famous jewel thief and terrorist named Lucy Diamond has resurfaced after being on the run for years. Oh, and the legendary criminal also happens to be the progeny of an equally legendary crime family in addition to being a HOT CHICK (Jordana Brewster). Michael Clarke Duncan, finished with his briefs, tells the girls to get to work and catch Lucy Diamond.
Meanwhile, at Lucy Diamond's "Evil Lair" – which is labeled as such, so it must be true, Lucy chats with her main henchman, Scud (Jimmi Simpson), about some HOT CHICK Russian assassin (Jessica Cauffiel) that Lucy has a meeting with that evening. Much to Lucy's chagrin, this isn't just any meeting, but a blind date set up by Scud, since he just wants Lucy to be happy . . . and probably because he knows what happens to henchmen when their bosses aren't happy. It's always good to be a wise – and living – underling.
Later that evening, while waiting for Lucy Diamond and the HOT CHICK Russian assassin to show up for their date, the D.E.B.S. hang out in the rafters of a restaurant – literally. While the other D.E.B.S. wait patiently for something to happen, Amy starts rambling about wanting to go to art school after graduation from spy school, even though I don't believe a life in espionage works quite that way. Unless she's going to make sculptures that are also spies. Max, shrewdly, tells Amy to stick around, mainly because she's the brains of the operation and organizations without brains don't work too well. Then, while Dominique and Janet argue for no reason in particular, Amy's dopey ex-boyfriend (Geoff Stults) drops in – literally – to bicker with Amy since he doesn't handle breakups well.
Meagan Good and her tank top practicing show-and-tell.
While the D.E.B.S. sort out their drama, Lucy arrives at the restaurant and Janet marvels at Lucy's oh-so adorable sweater. Lucy takes her seat at a table with the HOT CHICK Russian assassin and they make small talk, which doesn't go badly until the HOT CHICK Russian assassin starts doing an interpretive dance routine at the table to demonstrate that she really wants to be a dancer, rather than a paid killer. While Lucy attempts to fake food poisoning to get out of the uncomfortable situation, Amy and her meat-head ex-boyfriend fight over a bracelet he gave her, which, through a convoluted series of events, ends up falling into Lucy's soup, totally ruining the mood and, more importantly, alerting her to the D.E.B.S.' presence.
With the collected espionage agents in the building now revealed, a gunfight breaks out in the restaurant, during which the HOT CHICK Russian assassin insults Lucy for trying to blow her off. After the HOT CHICK Russian assassin leaves in a huff, Lucy ends up cornered by the D.E.B.S. and their rival agencies. Lucy, through the clever use of a cocktail table, escapes and, rather than pursue her, the D.E.B.S. argue because BITCHES BE CRAZY! Eventually, the argument peters out and the D.E.B.S. split up in search of Lucy.
Through yet another convoluted series of events, Amy, all alone, runs into Lucy in the middle of a warehouse that just happens to be attached to the restaurant. After Lucy and Amy apologize to each other for their respective clumsiness, they realize just what's going on and have a standoff . . . which then turns into a bonding session when Amy figures out that Lucy is actually a lesbian, which totally wrecks the thesis that Amy was writing about Lucy back at D.E.B.S. school. Somehow, this epiphany brings about a detente between Amy and Lucy and they become friends – or at least as good friends as a crime-fighting female spy and an infamous villain can be. Before they have a chance to change into their pajamas to watch Sex in the City and eat Häagen-Dazs together, the other D.E.B.S. interrupt, allowing Lucy the opportunity to escape, but she does poop diamonds, just to prove she was there to begin with.
I think it's a rule that all Asians have to pose like this.
After the date gone horribly awry, Scud lectures Lucy about her behavior at dinner, though he does apologize for the HOT CHICK Russian assassin being such a space case. Lucy is unconcerned with Scud's advice, however, as she's too busy pining for Amy to care. Lucy overcome with forbidden emotions, confesses her feelings to Scud, who rightly freaks out, since consorting with the enemy isn't the smartest move . . . pretty much ever. In addition, just to make the situation all the more verboten, Amy just so happens to be the D.E.B.S.' most famous student and golden child of the organization. Dum-dum-DUM!
Although I'm not quite sure that's "Dum-dum-DUM!" worthy. Eh . . . I'll go with it.
Later that night, Lucy, with Scud reluctantly in tow, visits the D.E.B.S.' house in search of Amy. Somehow, Lucy cuts through the plaid forcefield and climbs the wall of the building with suction cups, even though the guys on Mythbusters proved that's not really possible, even with someone as petite as Lucy. Eh, I'll suspend disbelief now, movie, but don't think you're getting off easy. Even though I'm sure getting off easy is just what Lucy's interested in. Anyway, Lucy, after scaling the walls, breaks into Amy's room and they fight a bit until Lucy offers a truce just to hang out.
Amy, surprisingly, takes Lucy up on this offer and all goes well until Janet catches them together. Lucy, ever the quick thinking villain, subdues Janet and takes her as a hostage; it isn't that bad, though, as, in the back of Lucy's car, Scud hits on Janet and she isn't totally grossed out by it. Evidently Lucy isn't the only one curious about forbidden love. After an interminable car ride through a traffic tunnel, Lucy pulls up in the "punk" part of town, where she and Scud go to a club, leaving Amy and Janet in the car because they don't want to seem complicit in what's going on.
"Hi, I'm being cute so you'll ignore my freaky elbows."
After a few moments, Amy and Janet quit their sulking and head into the club, mainly because Janet has to use the bathroom and not because they're curious as to just why Lucy and Scud have brought them there. Nope, not at all. While Janet scampers off to relieve herself, Amy joins Lucy for a drink and Lucy reveals that she kidnapped Amy because she wants . . . to know all about Amy's thesis, mainly because it's about Lucy. There's nothing like the narcissism of a villain! After Amy explains her thesis, the conversation turns to relationships and Amy and Lucy bond yet more, so much so that Lucy confesses something shocking: she's not totally evil, only somewhat evil, apparently. While Scud and Janet play Foosball – because nothing says "punk" like "Foosball," Lucy and Amy share a moment and, in fact, almost make out, until Janet spies the goings on and, aghast, interrupts the proceedings just as they were starting to get good. For Lucy and Amy, I mean. Not for me. Nope.
The intimate liaison spoiled, Amy walks off, leaving a sad Lucy behind. Uh-oh . . . Scud better do damage control or else he'll be an ex-henchman very soon. And by "ex" I mean "dead." On the way back home, Janet freaks out about Amy getting a little too close to their quarry – in more ways than one – so Amy responds by blackmailing Janet about something Janet screwed up years ago that Amy covered up for her. Meanwhile, Max waits up for both of them to return and, once Amy comes back, Max interrogates her. Amy, craftily, uses her breakup with the dopey boyfriend as an excuse for walking off while Max confesses to being hung up on Lucy . . . in a non-sexual, "I want to send you to prison for a very long time" way, perverts.
The next day, at D.E.B.S. school, the students pester Amy about her meeting with Lucy Diamond – as she's apparently the first person to live to tell the tale – while Janet sasses at her colleague since Janet knows the truth. Too bad she's too stupid to do anything with it. Later in the day, the school's principal (Holland Taylor) teleports in for a photo-op with Amy, since Amy isn't only the school's top student but also a young legend in the espionage community for surviving the "wrath" of Lucy Diamond. After the pictures are taken, the principal explains that she knows all about Amy's academic fixation on Lucy and then, much to Max's chagrin, the principal promotes Amy to squad leader over Max.
Jordana Brewster is Jennifer Love Hewitt in Giggly Tits: The Movie.
Before Max has a chance to get her REVENGE against Amy, Lucy interrupts by robbing a bank, forcing the D.E.B.S. to get to work. Of course, it's all a scheme for Lucy to see Amy again, but Scud doesn't approve of this method of getting to know someone. Perhaps it'd be easier of Lucy just called Amy or even friended her on Facebook or something. But I get the feeling that Lucy isn't the type to do things the easy way. While Lucy and Scud argue a bit, the D.E.B.S. arrive on the scene and bumble their way through the bank, totally ignoring the hostages locked up in a closet.
Once at the bank's vault, Amy and Max bicker over whether or not this is all a trap but, since Amy's the leader now, she order the quartet into the totally unguarded and innocent-looking vault . . . and right into a trap. For being the school's best student, Amy's kind of dumb. Just to complicate matters, Lucy then captures Amy while locking the other D.E.B.S. in the vault, where Janet freaks out because Dominique starts smoking and then Max, probably just to tick off annoying Janet further, joins Dominique.
While the captive D.E.B.S. bicker until spikes shoot out of the ceiling and begin lowering, even though I have to wonder just how much time Lucy had to set up the machinery for something like that, Lucy and Amy have another heart-to-heart, wherein Amy contends that she's not bi or anything, not that there's anything wrong with that. Lucy, with her finely honed "gaydar," senses that something's not quite right with Amy's statements, so she just wants Amy to come clean about her sexuality. Before Amy mulls switching to the other team, though, she makes Lucy free the other D.E.B.S., but Lucy states that the whole trap wasn't dangerous at all, but just a very elaborate – and potentially deadly – prank. Oh that Lucy Diamond! She'll kill you . . . with laughter! Amy, satisfied with Lucy's uncharacteristic act of mercy, makes out with her. And they run off together, with Amy pretending to be Lucy's captive . . . unless they're into some kinky roleplaying and that's actually the case.
Back at school, the principal swears REVENGE against Lucy Diamond for kidnapping her best and brightest while Amy and Lucy goof off together during an upbeat musical montage . . . and Janet and Scud trade instant messages, just to show that Amy isn't the only one having illicit relations. After the montage, Amy and Lucy spend some time in bed together and Amy explains how she got into D.E.B.S. school . . . even though she really doesn't know how it happened at all. Evidently she wasn't listening to the helpful expository monologue!
Michael Clarke Duncan, from one of his finest moments.
Lucy, wise and worldly, once again senses that there's something more going on, so she psychoanalyzes Amy, but Amy isn't particularly cool with that. Lucy, not wanting to spoil her own fun, then lets her guard down and shares a very personal secret with Amy: she always wanted to be a pirate. Um . . . OK. Alas, this revelation is just another excuse for Amy to start rambling once again about going to art school after spy school. Lucy, perhaps not content to listen to Amy's blathering, makes out with her again.
Over at the D.E.B.S.' dorm, the phone rings and Max pulls a gun on it. Thankfully, her psychotic episode doesn't end it tragedy as she snaps out of her trance and answers the phone, through which the HOT CHICK Russian assassin rats out Amy and Lucy as a measure of lesbian REVENGE! There sure is a lot of REVENGE in this movie! Max, armed with this new information – as well as a huge gun, wakes up Dominique and Janet again because they're going to rescue Amy; she also calls the dopey boyfriend, because he'll want to see this as well . . . just in case he's into watching girl-on-girl action.
While Amy and Lucy snap each others' bra straps in bed, the other D.E.B.S. drive up on the not-so-secret lair, where Scud totally rules at bingo with his fellow henchmen. No, really. Alas, before he can prove his mastery of cribbage, Scud discovers that the D.E.B.S. are on the scene . . . just as the D.E.B.S. show up and beat him up, even though Janet feels kind of bad about it. After the D.E.B.S. thwart the horde of henchmen, they find Amy and Lucy together, in flagrante delicto, and, remarkably, the dopey ex-boyfriend isn't into it after all. I'm surprised; he totally seemed to type to dig that sort of thing. Then again, I guess the pain of turning your ex-girlfriend gay totally overrules the hotness factor of two chicks getting it on.
The next day, at the dorm, the principal teleports in again and immediately has a conniption over the fact that Amy has been "conspiring" with the enemy. She then lectures Amy about Amy's unwise decisions, but Amy defends herself by speciously contending that it all was "research." Just like I'm sure guys getting caught picking up hookers are just studying the socio-economics of prostitution. Before the principal has a chance to murder Amy for her treachery – or just expel her, Max and the other D.E.B.S. hatch a brilliant scheme to protect Amy's – and the school's – honor. Max tells the principal to pretend that Amy's been brainwashed – since lesbianism can be cured, after all – and keep Amy on as the school's star student. The principal, egotistically enthusiastic about retaining her standing in the espionage community, agrees to the deal and teleports out, leaving Max behind to lecture Amy and Janet for their insubordination and libidinous desires.
Tartans taken from Clan MacHOTCHICK.
After Janet pitches a fit following Max's dressing down, Amy sulks into another musical montage, wherein everyone treats her like a pariah. Now the real question is because she's a traitor or because she's a lesbian? Obviously it must be the former, as Amy's dopey ex-boyfriend is willing to take her back – there's always the possibility of threesomes, I suppose – and asks her on a date to the school's formal. That night, while Amy mopes in bed, Lucy breaks into her bedroom once again, but this time an unimpressed Amy alerts the other D.E.B.S., rather than inviting Lucy to join her in bed. I guess Amy was just "experimenting"; she is in college after all. Lucy, surprised by Amy's behavior, escapes quickly, but almost kills Janet on the way out, probably because no one has a problem with Janet and Scud's relationship.
Back at her "Evil Lair," Lucy flips out and plans on destroying Australia just to vent her anger. Scud, perhaps the most sensible character in the entire film, talks some sense into Lucy, so she merely becomes all mopey with love, rather than borderline psychotic. Then, after an epiphany, Lucy begins lip-synching while giving back all her ill-gotten gains, just to win back Amy's affections . . . or she doesn't want to go to prison for the rest of her life if she actually gets caught. After a verse or two of the song, Scud joins in to accompany Lucy and then, in another part of the musical montage, Lucy punches out a test proctor, just because he was sassing at her. I suppose she's downgraded to only slightly evil at this point.
Sometime later, holographic Michael Clarke Duncan visits Amy in her bedroom, which is kind of pervy, but it's holographic Michael Clarke Duncan, so it's cool. At least it's not Grandpa Seth. After all, Amy doesn't seem to mind holographic Michael Clarke Duncan's intrusion, even when he starts talking about love and what's so important about it. Amy, perhaps not happy with discussing two breakups in the span of a month or so, changes the subject and asks Michael Clarke Duncan just how she got into D.E.B.S. school. Michael Clarke Duncan explains – even though those paying attention to the expository monologue already knew this – that Amy scored well on her entrance exam because she's a "perfect liar," and, therefore, she'll make a perfect spy.
Before Amy has a chance to mull over this revelation, she and the rest of the D.E.B.S. go to the formal; Lucy, meanwhile, plans on crashing the party, with Scud's help, mainly because he wants Lucy and Amy to reconcile . . . because a happy boss makes for a happy – and living – henchman. At the formal, Max writes a speech for Amy, as per her grand scheme from earlier in the film, but Janet and Dominique have misgivings because they think that maybe, just maybe, Lucy and Amy really do love each other. Even though Amy's lesbianism was probably just a phase. Max, just in case, apologizes to Amy, even though Amy is perfectly and totally heterosexual now.
If you like things like this, you'll love D.E.B.S.
Later in the party, the principal – who may or may not be holographic – introduces Amy as "D.E.B. of the Year," which is kind of weird because the official name of her outfit is "D.E.B.S.," an anagram for "Discipline, Energy, Beauty, Strength." I guess Amy is lacking in the strength department, then. While the dopey ex-boyfriend learns that Lucy may be in the building and gathers a hit squad to take care of the problem, Amy, perhaps to prove she has strength after all, takes the stage and talks about courage. Oh, she's a big fan of Dan Rather, then?
While Amy reads Max's speech, the dopey ex-boyfriend takes careful aim and shoots some innocent ductwork, as that's where Lucy is hiding. Luckily for Lucy, she avoids the dopey ex-boyfriend's barrage and escapes to the ballroom, where she gets to see Amy giving a speech badmouthing their time together. Ouch! But wait . . . it's all a ruse, as Amy spots Lucy in the rafters and goes off script, confessing that she actually does love Lucy. Lucy responds by beating up the dopey ex-boyfriend, which is probably a symbolic end of Amy's heterosexuality. Or something like that. Unfortunately for Lucy, this alerts everyone to her presence and, unsurprisingly, everyone freaks out at the news.
During the fracas, Amy and Lucy reunite and run into each other again in a warehouse that just happens to be adjacent to the ballroom – isn't it interesting how that keeps happening? This time, instead of pulling guns on each other, Amy and Lucy passionately make out . . . until Scud and the rest of the D.E.B.S. interrupt. After a few tense moments, Max, now aware that Amy is meant for bigger and better things than being the best spy on the planet, lets Amy and Lucy run off together unfettered. In the aftermath, Max promotes Janet – probably just to take Amy's spot, since Janet's still an idiot – and then Janet and Scud plan on dating at a later time, probably after he serves a long, long prison sentence.
While Domino is boring and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life is derivative, D.E.B.S. is exciting, original, and – most of all – really good. Though seeming as a spy film, D.E.B.S. is, more accurately, a romantic comedy and operates as such. Interestingly, and as a mark of the film's quality, none of the performers ever let on that the film is not a spy movie. Everything in the movie is totally deadpan, without any knowing winks or nods. It's rare for films to pull this off, but D.E.B.S. does and is much better for it. While there aren't any other lesbian romantic comedies/action flicks that I can think of, D.E.B.S. is certainly the best of the genre . . . and better than quite a few other films as well, making it a rare and true Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as hockey and religion meet . . . in a wacky comedy! See you then!
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