TV Rants and Raves 8.19.09

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 08.19.2009

In this issue we Rant and Rave about the season finale of "In Plain Sight," the end of "Saving Grace" and "Reno 911!," "The Philanthropist," Jack Van Impe, Steve Harvey, and more, plus two more Complete Lies, some thoughts on the "New King of Late Night" race, the Democratic Party is your Douchebag of the Week, and more!

TV Rants and Raves Issue #10: In this issue we Rant and Rave about the season finale of "In Plain Sight," the end of "Saving Grace" and "Reno 911!," "The Philanthropist," Jack Van Impe, Steve Harvey, and more, plus two more Complete Lies, some thoughts on the "New King of Late Night" race, the Democratic Party is your Douchebag of the Week, and more!


Hello, and welcome to the tenth issue of the TV centric internets column that is kind of surprised that it's managed to last ten issues, TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.

Well, one of the bigger low level celebrity gossip stories the last few weeks has been the autopsy results for recently departed TV pitchman Billy Mays. Apparently Mr. Mays was a bit of a cokehead. His family, naturally, claims that he wasn't a drug addict at all and this is all just a big mistake. I personally have no idea what to believe.



"I did cocaine! Yeah!"

I mean, does the allegation make sense? Yes, in a "drugs-as-portrayed-on-TV" kind of way. Remember what Bill Cosby said other people said about cocaine? "It intensifies your personality." Well, who was more intense than Billy Mays? The man was always enthusiastically screaming about something or another. Maybe he needed a little nose candy to get more of that get up and go.

But then, wouldn't the National Enquirer found out about this months, hell, years ago? Of course they would have. They find out everything about celebrities regardless of their social standing. Yeah, Billy Mays was just a TV pitchman, but he was on TV all of the time. The man had an audience and name recognition. Who better to completely publicly destroy? The Enquirer would have found out a long time ago and we would have had our big, public conversation about it by now.

I guess there's no way to know for absolutely sure. The authorities say one thing, the family says something else, and, as far as I can see, there's no real middle ground to this. What, he suddenly decided, at age fifty, to start doing cocaine? Who the hell does that?



And now, the main part of the column

TV Rants and Raves



- "In Plain Sight" Season Finale Thoughts: Well, the big story coming out of the second season finale of the Mary McCormack starring cop comedy drama is that McCormack's Mary Shannon is in the hospital, suffering the after effects of being shot. Will she die? Who shot her? That's what the little commercial thing after the final episode aired seemed to indicate. That's what we're all supposed to be worried about.

I'm not, though. No, the most important thing that happened in the season finale is Marshal's emotional breakdown in the hospital. He collapsed in the hospital hallway, crying his eyes out, upset that he couldn't stop Mary from being shot. It was the kind of emotional breakdown someone suffers when he or she is in love. Yes, Marshal is clearly in love with Mary.



"Yes, I am in love with her."

So where is that little wrinkle going to go? Is Mary going to "admit" that she loves Marshal, too, or is she just going to humor him out of cop partner devotion? Is Marshal going to butt heads with Mary's current boyfriend/fiancé Raphael (Cristian de la Fuente) over this attraction? You'd think there would have to be a big argument between the two, and then a big hooha secondary argument between Mary and Raphael. Does Mary really, really, really love Raphael as much as he loves her?

The answer to that is probably no. I have a feeling that the coming season is going to be horrendous for Mary and that the show is going to get considerably darker. Mary is eventually going to flip out and reject all of her family and friends. She'll probably "turn over a new leaf" and become less of a mean ass bitch the first part of the next season, sort of a post shooting shell shock trauma kind of thing, but then by the end of the season, as she either plans to marry Raphael or have a "meaningful social" relationship with Marshal, she'll break it all off and just admit to the world that she can't trust anyone and, therefore, can never love anyone.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Maybe the show will go off in some other direction. I will say, though, that I can't wait to find out. Next season is a long way off (is the next season happening next summer or is USA doing one of those "five episodes in January" things?).



"Well, if he is in love with me, can you blame him? Look at these things. They're huge."



- "Saving Grace" will end next year? What the hell?: So TNT has decided to end "Saving Grace," the Holly Hunter starring cop show with angels in it. They'll produce three more episodes to tie up loose story ends, and then put them on the back end of the six episodes already produced that were scheduled to air in January. And then the show will presumably be over.

Wow. That's kind of shocking. I figured the show had at least two more seasons left in it. It's up for major TV awards, it's got some critical hooha about it, and it's different from the other cop shows that are currently on TV. TNT seemed to be building quite a brand for itself. But, Fox Television, which actually produces the show, apparently isn't interested in paying for the show anymore. Holly Hunter is just too expensive, I guess.

So why the heck isn't TNT interested in producing the show itself? No one seems to know. I know I don't.

Just how much money does it cost to produce just one episode of the show? Were there negotiations between Fox and the show runners on how to get costs down? Did Holly Hunter just say,"Fuck this, I'm outta here?" when someone asked her to take less money?



"What the fuck are we going to do, Holly? Huh? What the fuck are we going to do?"

And, more importantly, will three episodes be enough to finish the show up? I know I ask this all of the time, but do you think TNT may decide, if the ratings are decent, to do TV movies after the show is over? Sort of like those "Librarian" movies with Noah Wiley?



"Nope, they're going to make a movie where I sit in a bar and eat chili and talk to people. It'll be called Chili Gas. Look, it was the best name they could come up with. Do I look like I care, anyway? As long as I get paid."

- "Reno 911!" is also getting the boot: I've never been a fan of the show, but I did like the theatrical movie they did a few years ago. It was quite funny. For whatever reason I've never been able to get into the show itself. But I know the show has a loyal fan base that continues to enjoy the show, and they must be annoyed by this cancellation announcement.



"I know one thing's for sure, my ass is annoyed."

The show has been on six years, and it just entered syndication not that long ago. You'd think that Comedy Central would want to keep churning out as many episodes as possible to up that syndication money. You'd think they would have announced a big ass final season type thing, a send off season. As far as I know that hasn't happened. Apparently the show is just done now.

Doesn't seem fair, does it?

Is "The Philanthropist" done?: I don't remember NBC announcing that last week's episode, where globe trotting billionaire do-gooder Teddy Rist got involved in a water/border dispute thing between Pakistan and India, was the season or series finale. According to imdb.com, unless I'm reading it wrong, there's one episode left to air but there's no date set for it. So what the heck is going on?



"Does it look like we know?"

I watched the last five episodes over the weekend and I was really, finally getting into the show. I didn't like the flash back structure of the show at first, but then it grew on me. I was also really starting to dig the whole husband and wife thing between Neve Campbell and Jesse L. Martin. Now, it looks like the show is over.

Did NBC ever have any intention of doing anything with the show? I distinctly remember reading on zap2it that NBC cancelled the show before it even aired one episode. Was that a mistake?



"What the hell am I going to do with these kids if the show is cancelled? I promised them all an ice cream cone. I don't have enough money to pay for all of them by myself."

-Who the hell is watching "Steve Harvey" at 3 in the morning?: I am, of course, talking about comedian Steve Harvey's sitcom that aired for five years, 1997-2002. It's become an early morning staple on TBS for some reason. And when I say "early morning staple" I mean goddamn early, as the show occasionally airs at 3am. Who the hell is watching this show at 3am?



"Does it look like we know?"

"Married...with Children" sometimes starts at 4am on TBS, something I kind of understand (the show is a classic and you can air it anytime and it will fit in). But Steve Harvey's show? Isn't that show a little too lame to be airing late at night? What the heck happened to the late, late movie?

Have you ever looked at the sitcoms that air overnight on some stations? My local Fox and My Network affiliates air sitcoms all night. "Still Standing," "My Wife and Kids," "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," "According to Jim," among others. Heck, Tyler Perry's "House of Payne" plays at 1 and 2am, with "King of the Hill" sandwiched in the middle.

Now, I kind of like this airing shows overnight thing. It beats goddamn infomercials. But why air infomercials during the day, sometimes all day? Why not put these sitcoms and movies on instead?

Again, though, Steve Harvey? Who the hell is watching this show at 3am? On a Friday night?



- I can't stop watching "Dateline Fridays": It's true, I can't. They usually have some kind of interesting true crime story to report on, and it's usually something I can watch several more times when the rerun eventually airs on MSNBC on the weekend (you know, in between those freaking prison shows). But can I make a suggestion? If you're going to do a two hour block of the show, can you please announce that there will be two separate reports on instead of one long one? I actually prefer the long ones (there's just more time to get into the minutiae of the crime or incident). The hour long ones are fine, yeah, but I like the longer ones.

It's going to stink come September when Jay Leno takes over 10pm and Dateline is moved to Saturday. Dateline, at least in a night time sense, is more of a Friday night show than a Saturday show. Well, that's what I think anyway.



"Maybe I'll investigate Jay Leno. Find out if he's a douchebag. That'll make for a great cross promotional thing, won't it?"



- Why is "Cops" on G4?: G4, of course, is the uber nerd channel that airs stuff about video games and whatnot. I remember when the cable channel used to air "special edition" versions of the original "Star Trek," then they did the same thing with "Star Trek: The Next Generation," all of which is understandable since sci-fi often goes hand in hand with the video game nerd world. But a show about cops out on patrol?



"Yes, you will get residuals from syndication."

What the heck am I missing here? Does G4 advertise the show in an ironic way? Is there some network inside joke that I'm unaware of? "Cops" just doesn't seem like the kind of show that a network devoted to video games would get involved with.

Does G4 still run "Arrested Development"?



"Does it look like anyone here knows?"

-"Jack Van Impe Presents" is one of the scariest shows on television: It is, it really, really is.

For those of you unfamiliar with Jack Van Impe, he's one of those ultra right wing Christian evangelists with a penchant for doomsday prophecies. Every goddamn week Jack and his dingbat wife Rexella "report and interpret" the news from a "Biblical" perspective and they always reach the same conclusions: Jesus will return soon. Europe is evil. The anti-Christ runs the European Union. Send me money. The Bible says so.



"Yeah, I go down on her. Wouldn't you? No? Well, hey, that just means more for me."

I'm not going to ask "Who is this guy fooling?" because he's obviously fooling oodles and oodles of people all over the world. He's still on the air, and he's been doing this shit since at least 1995. That's almost fifteen years of the same exact bullshit every week. I'd like to know why, though, no one seems to be willing to call this guy on his bullshit?

I mean, come on, he's been predicting the end of the world for over a decade now and it hasn't happened yet. And according to Jack it's always a few months away from right now. What's the hold up?



"I'm fucking nuts! Jesus is coming!"

And for the love of God, Rexella act like she's either perpetually drunk or high from sniffing glue. She's bug eyed, she slurs her speech, she does that thing where she starts mumbling for no reason and then starts speaking clearly for about three sentences. And just listening to her in general is mind numbing.



"Thank you, Jack, that was wonderful. Don't hit your head on the table now."

And Chuck Ohman, the announcer, sounds like he should be a back up singer for the Oak Ridge Boys. I think he'd better off doing that. But, then again, he's been doing the show since the beginning. He's invested in it.

Plus, the man apparently plays a mean trumpet.



Is Jack still doing those awful Christian "end-of-times" movies? I haven't heard anything in a while.



And finally,

-What's with all of the people on TV using chopsticks?: For whatever reason, lots of people on TV have been eating Chinese/Thai food lately, both in new shows and in old shows, and I've noticed that 99% of the time the characters eating said Chinese/Thai food use chopsticks instead of forks. My question is, why?



Now, there's nothing wrong with eating anything with chopsticks. They're legitimate eating utensils. But you never see people on TV eating steak or pizza with chopsticks. It's only always Chinese/Thai food. So, again, what's the deal here? Are you supposed to eat Thai food with chopsticks? Is there some unwritten social rule that I'm unaware of where chopsticks are mandatory when eating chicken and broccoli?

This may just be me, but I always get the impression, especially on "Law & Order" when someone orders Thai food, that the one eating the Thai food is just using chopsticks to show the audience just how hip and socially conscious he or she is. What's wrong with using that little plastic fork the take out place put in the bag?

And here's something else that's been bothering me ever since I saw "In Good Company": in real life, is it common to make a salad when you also order a pizza, or is this just an invention of the entertainment industry? Because I don't think I've ever seen anyone do that in real life. Usually it's "We're getting pizza? Fuck yeah! That means I don't have to make anything!"

I'm just wondering, that's all.



***

Complete Lies

Once again, I'm going to engage in lying with two Complete Lies, total bullshit I just made up for your reading pleasure. For whatever reason, if you think I'm lying about these lies and I'm really telling the truth, well, I'm not. Just trust me on that.

And if for some reason these Complete Lies end up being true at some point, hey, what a coincidence.

- You ever wonder how Tyler Perry, the man behind the mega successful "Madea" movies and the TBS sitcoms "House of Payne" and "Meet the Browns," among other enterprises, manages to get so much done? He can walk through walls.



"It's true. I can."

It's true. The man can walk through walls. Every morning he drinks a special elixir (the ingredients of which are super secret and apparently locked in his office in a safe with five combinations, or so says the head janitor at his Atlanta studio) that allows his body to break up into trillions of little particles that then easily pass through hard surfaces and then reform almost instantly on the other side. All he has to do is think about it.

"It's like magic, isn't it?" Perry has reportedly said to people who have seen him disappear and then reappear.

Where Perry got the recipe for the special elixir is also unknown. Perry has said that he "prayed to God" for the knowledge, but physicists at NASA have said that's ridiculous. "He's drinking something radioactive," one physicist said.

So why does Perry need to be able to walk through walls? "He's a busy guy," fellow producer and director J.J. Abrams said when asked while on location in Vietnam. "He's also thinking of cloning himself so he can do even more. That's what he told me," the "Star Trek" reboot director said.

Perry's personal spokesperson refused to comment for this story.

- Tom Hanks recently revealed to a German entertainment program that he has a special tattoo on his chest that his wife, Rita Wilson, asked him to get while on vacation recently in Tokyo. Hanks admitted that he doesn't understand the appeal of the tattoo but that he got it because he loves his wife and will do whatever it takes to make her happy.



"I love this woman. I do."

So what is the tattoo?

"It's a picture of Rob Schneider riding a purple hippo," Olga, the German gossip reporter said after catching an exclusive glimpse of the "special ink."



"Making copies... again!"

Rob Schneider's representatives refused comment for this story, but rumors have been running rampant in celebrity gossip circles that Schneider and Wilson have been meeting regularly in secret at a large barn complex in eastern Idaho. The exact nature of those meetings are unknown, but a trusted source in Idaho claims that Wilson is bankrolling a special project that Schneider has been working on for fifteen years.

"What you don't know about Schneider is that he's an ace when it comes to building things like robots and advanced machines. He's actually built a robotic replica of himself in the form of the football announcer from the movie Necessary Roughness," the Idaho source claims.

Is Schneider up to something with these hippos?

"Who knows? He could be building some kind of awesome amusement park attraction he'll sell to Disney and make bundles of money, or he's building an army of robotic hippos that he'll use to take over the eastern half of the United States."

So how does Tom Hanks and his tattoo fit into all of this?

"I figure he'll either be the public face of this 'Schneider hippo' project for Disney or he's going to be the figurehead leader of Schneider's new American government," the Idaho source claims.

***

The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.



***

And now, Dr. Phil.



"I asked my wife to insert a pinecone in to my ass last night, not for sexual pleasure or anything but to help with the itching. She said no. What a bitch."


My God, Dr. Phil, you are such an asshole. What is your problem, dude?

***

Some thoughts on the new "King of Late Night" race between David Letterman and Conan O'Brien

Ever since Jay Leno left "The Tonight Show" and Conan O'Brien took over, people have been wondering who would take over as the "King of Late Night." Would it be the new guy O'Brien, or would it be David Letterman, the man who went to CBS and started up his own late night franchise when NBC gave "The Tonight Show" to Leno?





Recent ratings reports seem to indicate that, in an overall ratings sense, Letterman is the new "King," beating O'Brien by over a million viewers each night. O'Brien is holding his own when it comes to the young male demographic, the Holy Grail of the TV advertising business, but he's lost a big chunk of the older audience that helped make Leno "King."

I don't think anyone thinks this is all that shocking. Everyone seemed to know going in that O'Brien, who spent fifteen years doing the show after "The Tonight Show," would likely turn off a segment of the audience not used to his style of humor. Letterman has always been considered the "edgier" persona up against Leno, but compared to O'Brien Letterman is an old, middle of the road comic. Letterman is suddenly not all that edgy anymore. And general audiences like that.

Or so you'd think. Don't you think it's possible that a majority of the audience that abandoned "The Tonight Show" due to O'Brien and his "brand of humor" actually left because they've never seen him perform and the advanced buzz scared them off?

I'm beginning to think, though, that this "Who is the King of late night?" question/debate is premature because Leno's new 10pm show hasn't even aired yet. What if Leno's new show becomes the nightly talk show to watch and becomes so popular that people don't even bother to stay up past 11:30 to see what's going on in the world via the monologue?

Will NBC start calling Leno "the King of Prime Time" instead?

I guess we'll find out in a few weeks, won't we?



"Yes, yes we will. I bet I win. People really do like me."

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

Still no change on the Fearnet on Time Warner cable front. Time Warner Cable still hasn't reinstated the free, 24/7 on demand horror channel.

What the heck are they waiting for? Damned if I know. You'd think they would have gotten the message by now and reinstated it for everyone. But, no. That hasn't happened.

We must keep the pressure on, though. That's all we can really do.

If you haven't done so already, please check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here.

And you can also go to the Fearnet.com website for all kinds of info regarding, well, everything Fearnet related. They also have free movies, too. They should have new ones loaded right now. That's what they do on Wednesdays.

Now, someone asked last week why I have such a hard on for this Fearnet channel. "All they ever have on there is B-movie crap." Right, and everything that HBO puts on is top notch.

Look, I'm an admitted horror movie nerd. I've been waiting for years for a decent horror centric TV channel. Monsters HD is gone, and while Chiller is okay and tries hard to be cool, it's really nothing more than a rehash of what's already on the Sci Fi Channel. Fearnet gives the horror movie nerd uncut movies, sometimes ones that haven't been on TV in years sans interruptions (well, there is that occasional pseudo commercial break in the middle of the movie sometimes, but that's a small price to pay for having horror flicks on demand). In short, when it comes to horror television, it's the best thing on TV today. That's why I'm still annoyed that Time Warner gave the channel the heave ho. I loved having it, watched it every week, and now I miss it. I want it back.

And there's nothing wrong with B-movie anything. B-movies rock (check out the link at the bottom of the article to see how much I think they rock).

So come on Time Warner! We want our Fearnet!

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

***

The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week




This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to the Democratic Party, for once again completely wimping out with the health care reform "public option."



"But Sean Hannity said we're wrong. How can we go up against that?"

I'm not all that surprised by this. The Democrats already wimped out on the Employee Free Choice Act, and it was always just a matter of time before they decided that fighting for one of their core party beliefs was just too scary and back down. I guess that's why they have "sensible" Democrats like Senator Evan Bayh and Kent Conrad still hanging around, to make sure that the Democrats don't do anything "too hasty" like enacting legislation that could improve people's lives. I mean, that's just socialism, and this is America, Jack.

Now, President Obama has said as recently as Tuesday afternoon that the public option is still viable and that his administration is still committed to getting it done. I want to believe him but, at the moment, I can't. Instead of cracking heads in his own party and making sure they're all on the same page, the President is busy trying to make nice with the Republicans, who have shown again and again that they have no interest in "bipartisanship." They want the President to fail.

Bipartisanship is dead on arrival. The Democrats have the majorities in both houses and they've got the Presidency. The public option should be fucking law by now. So why not make it happen?

Fuck Orin Hatch. You don't need him.



"But...but... I'm Orin Hatch!"

And then there's Douchebag Hall of Famer Cal Thomas, for claiming that the "secular left," whatever the hell that is, wants to kill old people because "they're a burden on society," and that's why health care reform can't happen.

Now, I know I said I didn't know what the "secular left" is, but come on, we all know who he's talking about. He's talking about Democrats. According to Cal, Democrats are running all over the country telling people that they can't wait for the day when they can start affixing monetary value to people so they can then start offing people who are too expensive (because that's what health care reform is all about).

What the fuck is Cal talking about? Who exactly are these Democrats itching to snuff out people with brain damage and arthritis (Advil is expensive, you know)?

Why isn't Cal up in arms about insurance companies denying people care so they don't have to spend any money, essentially signing sick people's death warrants? Oh, I forgot, that's the free market at work, and Cal is all about the "free market." Cal is a business man.

Maybe Cal should explain why it's okay for businessmen to kill people. I'd love to hear the answer.



"God loves people with lots of money. Jesus, too."

And finally there's the management of Oswego Speedway, for suddenly deciding to prohibit fans from bringing outside food and drink into the grandstands.



There was no advanced notice of this policy change (although the Speedway claims that "no outside food or beverage" has been the track's policy for five years but they never enforced it, which is just bullshit. Why have a policy you have no intention of enforcing?), and the way in which track security informed people of the change was, shall we say, less than hospitable. People had to throw out the stuff they brought with them if they didn't take it back to their cars.

The Speedway claims that it needs to enforce this policy because of exclusive contracts with vendors (they suddenly started complaining about outside food and drinks three months into the season? What the fuck kind of contracts are these? Sounds like bullshit, doesn't it?). The Speedway has also conveniently raised concession prices because apparently that's in the vendor contracts, too. And when a local TV station contacted the Speedway for comment, the Speedway reportedly said "This is the policy. If you don't want to eat at the track eat before you come."

Well, how is that for hospitality?

Now, if you're running an entertainment business that's allegedly losing money, why would you suddenly make it less attractive to potential customers? It already costs a small fortune to go to the races every week in this down economy, especially if you have kids. Even if the kids get in free they have to be fed and they have to drink something while they're there for five hours. How are people going to pay for that? It's obvious that the Speedway doesn't care.

Short track promoters across the country have been whining for years about how they're losing money because attendance is down. It's NASCAR's fault, there are too many other entertainment choices out there, etc. So what exactly are you doing to rectify that? What are you doing to make people want to come to your business and spend money?

Treating people like shit. Endless nights filled with divisions no one wants to see. Hour long intermissions that were originally only going to be ten minutes. No outside food or drink. High concession prices. The list goes on and on.

And now Oswego Speedway is the latest to go down that road full throttle. I swear to Drake, it's like they want to close down, sell the land, and have the track become a development of condos.



"Go on, search each and every one of these people. See who has a Diet Pepsi hidden in their pocket."

***

And now, your weekly "Jericho" update

Operation Comic Book is still a go and the major thing going on in the wonderful world of "Jericho" fandom. http://www.savingjericho.com has information concerning finding local comic book stores in your area and asking them to preorder the book (something about getting total sales up). October is just around the corner and it's important that we all get out as much info as possible about the comic book launch. Please check out http://www.savingjericho.com for information.

And don't forget that you can still purchase the entire "Jericho" TV show run on DVD. Go here to buy the entire series. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually. Buy season 1 here, and season two here.

You can also preorder the "Jericho" comic book as a trade paperback here. It's not coming out until January 2010 but there's nothing like planning ahead if you can. But don't forget about those single issues starting in October. Those are important, too.

Don't forget there's a "Jericho" marathon on the Sci Fi Channel August 27th (which is next week, Thursday). Besides buying the DVD sets, watching the show on TV is the easiest way to get to know what I and others around the internets have been talking about for the last few years.

Things are starting to look up. Let's keep the momentum going.

Long live "Jericho"!



***

NASCAR and IRL thoughts



"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!"

Wow. Jimmie Johnson running out of gas with a few laps to go again at Michigan, twice in one year, costing him an easy win both times? Ha. Couldn't happen to a nicer piece of crap. Johnson running out of gas certainly made up for Juan Pablo Montoya's tire issues and finish outside of the top ten. That was just heartbreaking. Montoya was never really in the running for a win, but he was there hanging around the top fifteen most of the day and was certainly looking at a possible top ten and then the tire blew.



Congrats to Brian Vickers for getting his second career Sprint Cup victory and the first for Team Red Bull. Vickers has been so close to winning so many times this year only to have it all fall apart at the end, so it's great that he finally got a win. And kudos to Sam Hornish, Jr, for a solid fourth place finish. The former Indycar champion has struggled the last year and a half in Sprint Cup, but now it looks like he's finally figuring out how to get that #77 around the track. Again, kudos to Sam.



And anti-kudos to Kyle Busch, for that bullshit he pulled after the Nationwide race on Saturday. He almost took out a NASCAR official when he came flying into the pits and into the right side of Brian Vicker's #32. Busch was upset that Vickers blocked him and "let" Brad Keselowski around the both of them to win the race. Is Busch saying that he wouldn't have tried to block Vickers from passing him on the inside if he was ahead of Vickers?

Yeah, right Kyle. And almost taking out an official is not cool. When the hell is Joe Gibbs going to bench this douchebag for acting like a spoiled child not getting his way when he doesn't win? Is he going to have to kill or maim someone before something happens? And why the hell isn't NASCAR doing something?

Oh, I forgot. They're too busy trying to destroy Jeremy Mayfield.



"Look at him! He's high on meth! Meth!"

There was no IRL Indycar race this past weekend, but there is a race this weekend out in California at Infineon Raceway. Should be a terrible race (Infineon is just not a good road course for the Indycars). We then have to wait another week after that for the first of three straight oval races, which should be a great race (Chicagoland is the next race, and Chicagoland is usually a good show for the Indycars). I, personally, can't wait for that.

The big rumor in the series seems to be, according to Robin Miller, that car owner Michael Andretti will be shrinking his four car team to two, with Marco Andretti and Tony Kanaan the drivers. I don't know what that means for Andretti's other drivers, Danica Patrick and Hideki Mutoh, although it would seem to me, based simply on sponsorship opportunities, that Michael is keeping the wrong two. Danica, as I've said many times before, is a sponsor magnet, and Mutoh is guaranteed money from Honda. What the hell kind of money are Marco and Kanaan bringing in?



"TK: I can't believe Michael got rid of you two. But, hey, Marco is going to F1 soon, so I guess I understand. What are you laughing about Hideki?"

And apparently Adrian Fernandez is thinking about getting into the IRL next season. I don't know if he plans on actually driving or if he's going to do the car owner thing like Gil de Ferran. Should be interesting.



"Yeah, it should be. Now can someone please help me open this? What do you mean open what?"

***Potential coolness alert***



Tonight, Wednesday, on Speed, the NASCAR modifieds will allegedly be in action at the Bristol Motor Speedway via tape delay for the first time ever. The race at Bristol has been the talk of the division since it was announced last year. Will the open wheeled racers break under the strain of the track's banking? Will anyone be able to pass? I know I'll be watching to find out. You should, too.

***

That'll be about it

I think that'll be about it for this issue, issue number ten. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Next week, I'll be taking a week off from the column (family stuff) but we will have a very cool substitute. I'll give you a hint. His last name is the same as a famous pro wrestler from the 1980's. Treat him as well as you treat me.

Don't forget to check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.



And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"(Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus.)

German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.

Brian : Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.

Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...

Brian : Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...

Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian : You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.

Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.

Brian : A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.

Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany).

(Throws his hand up in a Hitler salute.)

Brian : Uh, is that a beer hall?

Tour guide: (Snapping out of it) Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls."

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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