A Fool's Utopia 8.20.09: Random Collectibles V

Posted by Ron Martin on 08.20.2009

This week in one man's utopia, we study Mr. Skin's Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes, talk of Aerosmith concerts that were not meant to be, the utter dullness that is an Anne Rice book, magazines of Power, 1980s Nickelodeon game shows and Christmas decorations in August.

I apologize in advance if my typing is a little shaky this week. I took a fall while playing Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. My shoulder is a bit sore, probably cracked, but I will suffer on. I do it for you – for the people.

This is going to be the sort of hodge podge column I like to have every once in awhile. You know, I talk a lot but never really say anything. I guess it's no different than any other column in that respect. Let's start things off with a bang. Place any sort of innuendo with that you would like.

Recently, Mr. Skin released their list of the Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes of All Time. Overall, it's not a bad list. I was thinking of this very same topic (though not 100, maybe like 15) for a future column – mostly because of the research that would be involved. Let's just remark on some notables.



#100: Christina Ricci, Black Snake Moan -- star power was one of the qualifiers for the scenes. Ricci certainly has more star power than many on the list above her and is naked (or most of the way naked) through most of the movie. I realize they are just going with one scene, but Ricci is criminally underrated here.

#98: Hedy Lamarr, Ecstacy -- Nice to see some classically beautiful women make the list.

#96: Molly Ringwald, Malicious -- Wait. Molly Ringwald got naked? How come I wasn't notified of this?

#92: Anna Faris, The House Bunny -- Really? This counts? I love me some Anna Faris, but half a buttocks gets in the Top 100 in a PG-13 film? Ricci should have been rated higher.



#82: Kari Wuhrer, Luscious -- As a twelve year old watcher of Remote Control, I knew Kari was somehow destined to get naked in B-Movies most of her career. Seriously, a 4 second clip? It takes me four seconds to even process what is going on.

#80: Sophie Monk, Sex and Death 101 -- What? Who? Don't know who this chick is, never heard of the movie.

#78: Charlize Theron, The Devil's Advocate -- Surely there is a better scene for Charlize somewhere and surely it deserves to be in the Top 50.

#77: Amy Smart, Road Trip -- Don't get me wrong, I think Amy Smart is hot. This movie and scene by proxy was utterly forgettable. Unfortunately, this probably doesn't belong on the list.

#71: Kelly Brook, Survival Island -- See Sophie Monk.

#70: Jenna Jameson, Private Parts -- Really? We don't know of any other movies that Jenna Jameson has had a better nude scene in than having to look at her giving Howard Stern a backrub? If I want to see naked porn stars I will watch Howard Stern-less porn. This is a reach.



#67: Angie Dickinson, Big Bad Mama -- I just wanted to note that Big Bad Mama and its sequel acted as porn for me early in life.

#66: Kelly Monaco, Idle Hands -- I am more than a little disturbed that I want to now grope a girl in KISS makeup.

#63: Amber Heard, The Informers -- See Kelly Brook.

#61: Nicole Eggert, Blown Away -- Way underrated.

#57: Pam Anderson, Barb Wire -- While I admit, this is probably necessary on the list, I'm just kind of sick of seeing her naked. I am, as the kids say, over it.

#54: Alexis Dziena, Broken Flowers -- See Amber Heard

#50: Jennifer Anniston, The Break-Up -- Chalk Jennifer up in the "I just don't get the attraction" category. I suppose I should be thankful she isn't in the top ten.



#48: Lizzy Caplan, True Blood -- I only know Lizzy from Cloverfield, but this kind of makes me want to order HBO.

#46: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Secretary -- Don't know what it is about Maggie, but she has the "it" that makes me want to drink her bathwater.

#44: Julianne Moore, Short Cuts -- This scene is nothing compared to Boogie Nights.

#33: Kate Winslet, Titanic -- Not just one of the most overrated nude scenes of all time, but one of the most overrated scenes of all time, period.

#29: Meredith Baxter, My Breast -- Elyse Keaton? What?!

#27: Nicole Kidman, Eyes Wide Shut -- I would have cared about this much more ten years before it happened.

#22: Bo Derek, 10 -- Way underrated. This is Top Ten material



#21: Denise Richards, Wild Things -- This is before she went batshit crazy. I plopped down money for this DVD basically for this scene (though it was a decent movie). I've always felt burned that Neve wasn't naked as well. Neve – you owe me!

#18: Heather Graham, Boogie Nights -- This would be my #1, but then again I have an uncontrollable megacrush on Heather. Now that I think about it, it's mostly because of this scene.

#17: Elizabeth Berkley, Showgirls -- Uhm, didn't everyone universally hate this movie? Why is this above Heather?

#7: Halle Berry, Swordfish -- I've got no problem with Halle here, I just think it ought to be from Monster's Ball.

#4: Jessica Biel, Powder Blue -- This is the biggest travesty on the list. Biel is another one of the girls I don't understand the attraction to. She looks like a confused monkey most of the time. I know it's a personal taste thing, but – yeah, just don't get it.



#1: Phoebe Cates, Fast Times at Ridgemont High -- I suppose this is iconic enough to have to be #1, and I'm okay with it. My personal list would have a battle between Heather Graham and Angelina Jolie for the top spot.

A crime that should have several people working for Mr. Skin incarcerated? Leaving Julianna Guill off this list. Julianna was Bree, the girl with "perfect nipple placement" in the reboot of Friday the 13th earlier this year. She forever won a place in my heart with some of the finest onscreen nudity I have seen. I will now follow her to the ends of the Earth.



This is right up there with Heather and Angelina. Dare I say stupendous? Wow. My only regret is that she was hacked and will not appear naked on my TV again any time soon. Insert digital frowny face here.

-- I'm going to blame it on the "recession." That's the only thing I can think of. I'm out and about this weekend picking up items to fill my new 30 gallon fish tank. Items, ironically enough, that are not yet fish. I'm popping in and out of stores grabbing things here and there when what do I see? Full fledged aisles full of Halloween decorations. Let me explain that no one loves holidays more than me. Anything that can register a day "different" from every other day is a plus in my book. If it comes with an elongated month long celebration, then so be it. I was willing to accept celebrating Halloween from September 1, but from August? It gets better. Not far from the Halloween aisle, I came across a Christmas aisle. This happened in more than one shop.

Once again, as soon as Halloween is over and most definitely once Thanksgiving has passed, I have no problem with Christmas out the wazoo, but FIVE MONTHS EARLY?! It's not as if stores were trying to get rid of stock. This was full price merchandise. Who the hell is buying full price Christmas stuff in August? I want to know so I can shoot them into the sun. Don't worry, they celebrate Christmas all year long on the sun.



-- I guess I am now an Aerosmith widow of the ill-fated 2009 tour. LiveNation has refunded the money for the show I was supposed to see in a couple of Sundays. It's not a huge deal as I've seen Aerosmith five times already, but I was excited because this would have been my first time seeing them without them having an album to promote. I was hoping to hear some stuff live that I hadn't heart before like "Lord of the Thighs," "Rats in the Cellar," "Voodoo Medicine Man" and maybe even some "Luvr Lies." Looking at the setlists from previous shows, I could have possible of heard "Lord of the Thighs" and probably "Combination." On August 30 (the day the mythical concert was to happen) Here's hoping Steve Tyler is up for another try before one of them dies.

Five Random Thoughts

1. I understand they're trying to take advantage of the new movie coming out, but who would buy a collection of the first three Final Destination movies, knowing there is another one about to hit theaters. It certainly isn't a complete collection. I could be wrong on this, but I even want to say this is the second time the three movies have been released as a "collection" in the last two years.

2. White Chicks gets a sequel and I can't even get a literary agent? This is what is wrong with Hollywood, folks. It can't be fixed. It's over.

3. Now that vampires are in their cyclical "all the rage" period for this decade, there's talk of rebooting The Vampire Chronicles series by Anne Rice. I've caught on to the whole reboot thing, but I will say this; The Vampire Chronicles are some of the most boring books I've ever bought. I say bought because it took me three years to finish Interview with a Vampire. I didn't touch another one after that. It remains the only case I can think of where the movie was better than the book. Maybe The Mist because I really like the ending of the movie.

4. Seeing as I'm the Ghost Hunters guy, I should probably know this, but I'm just going to guess and say that the Essex County Hospital in New Jersey is the frontrunner for the live Halloween ghost hunt. I'm looking forward to the event. Half because I really like the idea of a six hour live ghost hunt on Halloween night into the wee hours of the morning and half because I'm curious to see if they'll fall flat on their face again. I really am rooting for them because I like the thought that I can come home from drunken Halloween festivities and pass out on the couch while watching a couple of hours of live ghost hunting.

5. Have you ever wanted to be buried near a celebrity? The crypt above Marilyn Monroe is being auctioned off on ebay. Some lady is taking her husband's body out of the crypt and moving it. I think she is trying to generate some cash…and it's working. What's the crypt above Marilyn Monroe worth? About $4.5 million with four days left in the auction. Rumor has it that the lady's husband was buried facedown due to his own request because…well, why wouldn't you?

-- Do you remember seeing music videos….on TV? Do you remember when the terms "remake" and "reboot" were not part of our daily lives? Do you remember when waif like barely passable reality TV hosts didn't make as much as an NFL quarterback? If you do, then come on in, it's time for RETRO!

I'd like to start today off with a little something-something that changed the lives of young men like me. It's a little something I like to call power. Nintendo Power.



These days when I pick up a new video game I play it until I get stuck. Once I'm stuck I consult one of the many FAQ out there in the cyberworld to become unstuck. Unless it's a RPG, then I check the FAQ frequently from the beginning. I can buy and play games with the confidence that I have backup should I need it. It wasn't always that way. There was a time when I had to master the treacherous terrains of games like Super Mario Brothers, Rad Racer and Tecmo Bowl without such guides. Nintendo Power fixed that…kind of.



Nintendo Power wasn't so much a strategy guide as it was a magazine for kids who liked to play video games. It started in 1988 with the cover above, highlighting the black sheep Super Mario Brothers 2 (of which I played during RETRO weekend). I'm going almost from complete memory here just to see what I can remember. I never had a subscription, but picked up an issue here and there when I was "good" at the grocery store. Thank the Lord for parental bribes.

I can remember the sections mostly. There was a section in the back where they would print high score and some cheats for games that I never owned. There were video game comics. The first batch started out as a gamer comic following the exploits of the fan club President and Nester, everyman. It wasn't long before Power ditched Nester in favor of straight up comics about the video games starring characters from the video games.



Mostly, I remember the mini-guides. Power would occasionally print out copies of levels for certain games (like Mario 2). If you couldn't figure out that the ying yang face comes at you when you have the key but doesn't when you don't Power was hear to tell you that.

The back of the magazine featured the top so many games. I always wondered how they came up with that list. Game sales? Surveys? Probably just whatever game they want you to buy next. It always seemed like Metroid was #1, anyways. Ah, for the days that video games smelled of hard plastic.

Amazingly, Nintendo Power is still around today. It did take a lengthy hiatus before its return in 2007. My question is, with the advent of the internet, why would anyone need it? Oh well, that's not for me to try and figure out. My memories of Nintendo Power have the issue sitting next to me as I wind my way through waterfalls and dress up like a raccoon. Now, that's a magazine!

On your mark…
Get set…
GO!

With those words, Marc Summers would forever etch his place in the minds of the children from the 80s. Welcome to




With cable TV becoming more and more the norm, specialty channels starting looking for programming. That's when we got all kinds of shows just to see what would stick. Lucky for Nickelodeon, the found the foundation for what would become a multi-show franchise, Double Dare

The premise was easy. Answer a question. If you can't, dare your opponents to do it. If your opponents can't answer, they double dare. If you still can't answer, you accept the physical challenge. What's the physical challenge you ask?

Double Dare: Grape Crusher-Flo @ Yahoo! Video

Physical challenges would later become much more slime oriented. The team with the most points gets to run the obstacle course for fabulous prizes including Nintendos, bikes and summer vacations! Whoo!



Unfortunately, the above example doesn't include any of my favorite obstacles like sticking your hand up a giant nose and working your way around the gunk to find the flag. Double Dare would go on to spur numerous spinoffs, but we all know that the only one that mattered was the first one with the kids who were willing to take a physical challenge even if they knew the answer to the question just because they wanted to get slimed.

I should hate Marc Summers seeing as he is a graduate of a rival high school on the opposite side of Indianapolis as my own, but Marc gets a pass because of the many times he entertained me and also because I knew the dude was a weenie – even when I was 12.

Forgotten Music Video

Wham! - New Music - More Music Videos

Okay, I'm guilty. I know no one who has ever seen this video could ever forget it, so a forgotten video it is not. I'm putting this video here for my buddy that I work with. He's what I would call a yute in his mid-20s. He came to me with a revelation earlier this week. Do you know that George Michael was in WHAM!? Yeah, I did. This video will forever be burned into my brain. Hopefully he will see this and never ever forget his revelation. On a side note, how in the hell did we not know this guy was gay?

Random Screenshot from a Random SNES game I owned

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

August 20, 1986

#1 Song

Madonna - New Music - More Music Videos

"Papa Don't Preach" by Madonna

**For the record, I have always thought Madonna looked much better with longer hair. I will forgive her this time just because of the sheer bounciness in the during the dance segments in the video. Don't let it happen again!

#1 Album



True Blue by Madonna

NOTABLES: "Papa Don't Preach," "True Blue" and "Love Makes the World Go Round."

#1 Movie



The Fly

NOTABLE OPENS: Armed and Dangerous, The Boy Who Could Fly

I must leave you now. I'll be back next week. Until then, take the physical challenge if you have to, but always search for the red flag.