Misunderstood Masterpieces 08.25.09: The Love Guru

Posted by Will Helm on 08.25.2009

...or, The Best Hockey Movie Since Miracle; Also, the ONLY Hockey Movie Since Miracle

2008 was not a good year for comedies. After all, this was the year that gave the movie-going public Meet the Spartans, Superhero Movie, Disaster Movie, Postal, and, Meet Dave. Disturbingly, those aren't the only awful comedies to debut in 2008; there were far more, perhaps too many to list here. Over the next three weeks, though, I plan on spotlighting three of the more infamous comedies from 2008, two of which starred comedic stars and one of which had a pretty decent trailer . . . but trailers can be deceiving.

First up is one of the worst big-budget flops of 2008, starring a man who used to be a certifiable comedic star: Mike Myers. Though he may be having a slight Renaissance with his new role in Inglorious Basterds, Mike Myers has suffered a string of failures for the past few years – though the Shrek series is an exception – with the lackluster Austin Powers in Goldmember and the atrocious The Cat in the Hat stinking up his résumé. Mike Myers bad luck culminated in a 2008 comedy that has an auspicious recognition: it also happens to be the 2008 "winner" of the Razzie for Worst Picture: The Love Guru. Featuring a character supposedly thought up for 1999's Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, The Love Guru was intended to be a home run – or, perhaps more appropriately, a hat trick – for Myers at the box office, but, due to scathing reviews, the film flopped big at in cinemas, grossing only $40 million of it's $62 million budget. As I have done many columns featuring Razzie winners before – whether intentionally or unintentionally, it may very well be fitting that I begin this trilogy of bad 2008 comedies with another Razzie Worst Picture and, perhaps, even another Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

There are really few words
to describe just how much
I loathe this image.

Somehow, in some preposterous way, Morgan Freeman does an expository monologue, even though I thought he was better than that. I guess Mike Myers has far more sway in Hollywood than I thought, or he's been blackmailing Morgan Freeman and this is the payoff. Alas, the expository monologist isn't actually Morgan Freeman, but, instead, Guru Pitka (Myers), who has a voice-over machine with an inexplicable "Morgan Freeman" setting. After introducing himself to the audience – which probably doesn't care at this point already, Guru Pitka starts rambling about penises for no particular reason in a very goofy accent and then the expository monologue continues to a flashback . . .

. . . to America, where Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan host Hockey Night in Canada. Because Canada is in America. Continent, sure, but I don't think that's how it was meant. After the awesome old Hockey Night in Canada theme concludes, Stephen Colbert apologizes for past indiscretions with Judy Dench. After the contrition, Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan pretty much explain the backstory to the film; essentially, a hockey star for the Toronto Maple Leafs (of America) named Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) went from being known as the "Tiger Woods of Hockey" to a total sleaze by dumping his wife Prudence (Meagan Good, who I totally never intended to feature in two successive movies). Jon Gosselin would be proud. Alas, Darren's marital problems have affected his playing skills considerably, causing consternation for the owner of the Maple Leafs, young HOT CHICK Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba), who calls on Guru Pitka to solve Darren's and, by association, the team's, troubles.

Mike Myers, praying for
a hit film. Those prayers
weren't answered here.

Hockey-Nerd Note: Though no one south of the Canadian border would probably get the joke, the name "Bullard" is, more than likely, a thinly veiled reference to the Leafs' long-time and reviled former owner, Harold Ballard, embodied in Jane's deceased father. After taking over the team in the early '70s, Ballard ran the once-storied franchise into the ground with iron-fisted mismanagement, causing a malaise from which the team has yet to recover, as it has been forty-two years – and counting – since their last appearance in the Stanley Cup Final and their last championship win.

At his headquarters in India, Guru Pitka plays Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" on the sitar while HOT CHICKS do chores around his mansion and wackiness ensues. Eventually, after the impromptu musical number, Guru Pitka rides around his living room on a remote-controlled pillow while everyone keeps talking about TV star Mariska Hargitay for no reason. Oh . . . I get it. She has a funny name. Look at me laugh. Ha. There you go, movie. While Guru Pitka's assistant (Manu Narayan) fawns over him, Guru Pitka's agent, Dick Pants (The Daily Show's John Oliver), stops by for a visit and explains that Guru Pitka still lags behind Deepak Chopra in fame and book sales. Apparently, according to Dick Pants, the key to fame is getting on Oprah Winfrey's talk show and, conveniently, helping Darren and the Maple Leafs will go a long way toward achieving that goal. Because Oprah's a HUGE hockey fan, apparently.

I don't know what's worse:
her name is a catchphrase
or she's actually in the movie.

Somehow, Guru Pitka has a flashback during his flashback – which can't have a good effect on the space-time continuum – and recalls his days as a child with the head of Mike Myers when he met with a cross-eyed Ben Kingsley, who makes goofy sex jokes to the young Guru Pitka and a young Deepak Chopra as well. So, evidently, Guru Pitka and Deepak Chopra are longtime rivals and their mentor was a disgraced Oscar winner. Good to know. Oh, and it's also good to know that the movie was written by twelve-year-olds, judging by the sophomoric humor. Anyway, while cross-eyed Ben Kingsley gives young Deepak Chopra his adoration, he rewards a horny Guru Pitka with a chastity belt, just because.

Back in the original flashback, Guru Pitka holds a giant seminar in Los Angeles, with Jane and the coach of the Maple Leafs, "Punch" Cherkov (Verne Troyer), in attendance. While Jane listens to Guru Pitka's dull spiel attentively, Cherkov complains about busting his nuts . . . and not in the euphemistic way. Meanwhile, Guru Pitka spouts off silly acronyms and cliches, which are all followed by a "™," which Guru Pitka actually says! Perhaps to distract the attendees from the worthless advice spewing forth from his mouth, Guru Pitka peppers his presentation with more bad sex jokes. Evidently he learned well from cross-eyed Ben Kingsley.

After the show, Guru Pitka whistles through his nose for his sycophantic assistant and then he fondles Jessica Simpson. After having his way with everyone's favorite dopey blonde pop singer, Guru Pitka screams at bloated Val Kilmer and chats with Mariska Hargitay, which should spell the end of that unfunny gag. Alas, it doesn't, and it's even compounded by the inclusion of a lame Law and Order: Special Victims Unit joke. After the worthless celebrity cameos, Guru Pitka meets with Jane and Cherkov and, upon spying Jane, Guru Pitka has a Bollywood-inspired acid trip, which he follows up by insulting Cherkov's diminutive size, because short jokes are always funny . . . if the screenwriters are twelve. Jane, looking to save the Maple Leafs and her reputation, invites Guru Pitka back to Toronto, USA, which causes him to daydream about Oprah. Luckily, this one isn't Bollywood inspired.

I'm still waiting for
the follow up:
"Douche in a Bag."

Later, in a private jet, Jane looks in awe of Guru Pitka's works and she even confesses to having a crush on him. Evidently she has a thing for fake Indian men or something. Guru Pitka, perhaps seeking to take advantage of a young, naïve Jane, starts hitting on her in a very creepy manner, so Jane cools his heels by telling him that she's CURSED! Alas, the curse isn't anything exotic, like she's a werewolf or suffering from vagina dentata, but merely that Toronto, USA, hates her because of her father's loathsome legacy.

In Toronto, USA, Guru Pitka meets with Darren, who's busy practicing on the ice of the Air Canada America Centre, even though his game seems to be broken past the point of practice. Guru Pitka soothes Darren's nerves by lying to him, but he then reveals the ruse, causing Darren to "accidentally" kill a Zamboni driver with an ill-aimed slapshot. As life slips from the hapless Zamboni driver, Guru Pitka gives Darren a very important bit of advice: he needs to apologize to his prodigal wife Prudence. Wait . . . that's it? This is going to be a very short movie – thankfully.

After Darren scribes a letter of apology for Prudence, Guru Pitka and his assistant stake out the residence of Prudence's new lover, obnoxious goaltender Jacques "Le Coq" Grande (Justin Timberlake, complete with an OUTRAGEOUS accent). To be quite honest, I'm surprised that the character wasn't named "Jacques Strappe" or "Henri Douche" or something equally immature . . . although there is the IMPORTANT PLOT POINT that Jacques, indeed, has a grande coq, so to speak. After Prudence finishes a HOT CHICK swim around Jacques' pool, Jacques serenades her with the sultry strains of Celine Dion. Meanwhile, Guru Pitka is attacked by Jacques' pet chicken, because it's inevitable that a guy with the nickname "Le Coq" would have a pet cock.

Romany Malco ponders
just why he signed on to
The Love Guru.

Eventually, Jacques retires to the kitchen to prepare some Pop-Tarts – I prefer Frosted Cherry myself – with ketchup for Prudence, allowing Guru Pitka the opportunity to deliver Darren's letter to Prudence. Before Prudence can immediately reconcile with Darren and end the movie in a hurry, Jacques and his giant coq rudely interrupt, but Guru Pitka escapes – via teleportation – before a brawl breaks out.

That evening, Darren visits with Guru Pitka at the guru's new Toronto, USA, satellite campus. After Guru Pitka recites more bad sex jokes, he mocks Darren's wardrobe, much to the entertainment of Darren's crew. Guru Pitka then follows this with more senseless acronyms, which brings about a fight between Darren and Guru Pitka. Before the fisticuffs escalate, Guru Pitka subdues Darren by poking him in the third eye – but, thankfully, not the "brown eye" . . . hey, I never said I wasn't sophomoric as well. With Darren incapacitated, Guru Pitka flashes back once again, to a peaceful, pastoral time when cross-eyed Ben Kingsley peed in an urn. Somehow, this leads to young Guru Pitka and some other guys soaking mops in cross-eyed Ben Kingsley's bladder juice and fighting with them. Guru Pitka, unsurprisingly, ends up with a faceful of urine, which hopefully taught him the lesson to not fight another guy while both holding mops soaked in kidney squeezin's.

Later that week, Hockey Night in Canada America previews Game One of the Stanley Cup Final, where the Maple Leafs are to face the Los Angeles Kings for Lord Stanley's almighty trophy, which is yet another joke no one who doesn't know hockey would get, as neither the Maple Leafs nor the Kings have been in contention for a championship for quite a few years in the real National Hockey League. Before the game begins, Guru Pitka bans Darren from fighting anyone during the game, perhaps to test Darren's commitment to bettering himself at the expense of his own health. To that end, Guru Pitka eats a corn dog and badmouths the Kings in Darren's stead. Due to Guru Pitka's interference, the Kings then exact REVENGE against an unwitting Darren, culminating in a very ticked off Rob Blake knocking out Darren.

Jessica Alba doing her best
Hilary Duff impression.

With Guru Pitka's point proven to his satisfaction, Guru Pitka then tells Darren to fight whomever he wants, so Darren goes after Jacques, who just happens to be the goaltender for the Kings. Unsurprisingly, this earns Darren an ejection from the game, and then the referee oversteps his bounds and starts handing out suspensions for Darren like Darren is John Bender and the referee is Principal Richard Vernon and the Air Canada America Centre is THE WORLD'S LARGEST HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY™. Yes, I just made a joke inspired by The Breakfast Club; I must have softened over the years. During the brawl, Darren also attacks Cherkov, just because he has a thing against people shorter than him or something; Prudence, watching from the stands, isn't impressed.

After the game, Guru Pitka, Dick Pants, Jane, and Darren meet with Cherkov in Cherkov's hilariously tiny office. Apparently, he saw the 7 ½ floor from Being John Malkovich and thought to himself "hey, that's a good idea!" Jane isn't happy with Cherkov's coaching abilities, but Cherkov places the blame squarely – and rightly – on Guru Pitka's shoulders. Then, for no reason, my DVD player decides it's tired of that scene and skips ahead to Darren and Guru Pitka hanging out together in a bar, where Guru Pitka makes fart sounds in his mug and Darren starts goofing around, probably because he isn't accompanied by his entourage and he can let his guard down. Of course, all the fun has to end when two Candadian American hillbillies show up to mock Darren and Guru Pitka and a bar brawl breaks out because of it. After little girls pummel Guru Pitka for no reason whatsoever, Darren, Guru Pitka, and the Canadian American hillbillies share a good laugh together after the melee subsides.

Later, Guru Pitka and Darren bond at Niagara Falls and Darren reminisces about his HOT CHICK wife. Before the film can shift into Brokeback Mountain territory, the setting moves to Guru Pitka's house, to which he invited young Jane. As Jane enters the house, Guru Pitka and his assistant serenade her with a touching rendition of Extreme's "More Than Words," which Guru Pitka follows by ham-handedly hitting on Jane. Eventually, Guru Pitka and Jane settle down to dinner, where Guru Pitka retells more bad sex jokes and then flirts with Jane like he's in kindergarten. I'm guessing the screenwriters are speaking to their peers in this scene. Though Jane demurs from Guru Pitka's advances, he tells her to unleash her inner slut . . . which she does, until the proceedings are broken up by the cruel metallic tang of Guru Pitka's chastity belt. Jane, unaware of Guru Pitka's uncomfortable condition, freaks out and leaves the scene unsatisfied.

I know I used this picture
last week, but I'm all about
recycling.

After the next game of the Stanley Cup final, another victory for the Kings, Cherkov yells at Jane and punches Guru Pitka in the junk, which should have hurt Cherkov more than it hurt Guru Pitka due to Guru Pitka's chastity belt, but, strangely, it doesn't. Jane, unhappy with Guru Pitka's aid, takes Cherkov's words to heart and chides Guru Pitka for his ineffectual advice, which brings about a scolding from Dick Pants, mainly because he wants that sweet Oprah commission.

That evening, Guru Pitka and his assistant, still on the case, spy Prudence and Jacques at a dance club and Guru Pitka, seeking a solitary audience with Prudence, distracts Jacques with fake Celine Dion. While Jacques gets down to the gentle strains of Canada's America's favorite chanteuse, Guru Pitka meets with Prudence and explains that Darren is really, really sorry for everything, even though he really isn't that much because Darren's biggest problem is with his own mother and not Prudence. After fake Celine Dion's performance concludes, Jacques catches Guru Pitka with Prudence and threatens another throwdown, but Guru Pitka teleports to safety once more.

In the aftermath of Guru Pitka's illicit meeting with Prudence, Darren and Prudence reconcile and she forgives him for dumping her, even though she didn't even wait for the bed to get cold after he left. I guess she had a craving for white meat . . . and how could it be better than from a "coq"? Anyway, Darren, with his suspensions duly served and his marriage now repaired, makes a triumphant comeback for Game Four of the series and, though the Maple Leafs are down three games to none, they stave off elimination with a win while Stephen Colbert draws dirty pictures on a Telestrator.

Sir Ben Kingsley searches
in vain for just where
his career has gone.

Eventually, the Maple Leafs tie the series – thanks to Darren's timely return – and Guru Pitka gets invited on Oprah Winfrey's show, causing much celebration for Dick Pants and much consternation for Guru Pitka's assistant, who believes that his mentor cut corners just to achieve a successful result. And here I would have thought he'd have learned that lesson from Dr. David Marcus and the Genesis Device, but I was wrong. Perhaps thinking that he may be a fraud due to his assistant's misgivings, Guru Pitka laments this development, but Dick Pants is only interested in payment from Jane and not Guru Pitka's woes. Guru Pitka, meanwhile, wants more, specifically Jane, but his pesky chastity belt intercedes yet again.

At the start of Game Seven, Stephen Colbert is trippin' ballz after an unfortunate relapse into addiction, so Jim Gaffigan has him arrested; don't doubt the power of Gaffigan! Meanwhile, in the Los Angeles Kings' locker room, Jacques addresses his teammates because he has a trap waiting for Darren before the game. As if on cue, the trap is sprung when Darren's mother (Telma Hopkins) shows up to sing "God Bless America," because Toronto is, after all, in the United States. Darren, eternally intimidated by his mother's presence, freaks out and falls into another neurotic stupor.

Guru Pitka, at the airport waiting to travel triumphantly to Chicago to celebrate his success with Oprah, learns of Darren's episode and, against the desires of Dick Pants, eschews Oprah to rescue the Maple Leafs. En route, Guru Pitka calls Jane and then she, in turn, yells at the fans, somehow earning their respect . . . and then Cherkov sexually harasses her. Or it could just be that he's tired of seeing her at vagina height. After only a few minutes, Guru Pitka arrives at the Air Canada America Centre and explains his situation to Jane – I don't remember if he mentioned the chastity belt or not and, honestly, I don't care – and she forgives him, just to make sure the movie clocks in at under ninety minutes.

Jayne Mansfield,
legendary HOT CHICK
and Mariska Hargitay's mom.

After reconciling with Jane, Guru Pitka meets with Darren and gives him a pep talk, after which Darren sasses at his mother. Sadly, she doesn't have a comical fit of apoplexy in the style of Fred Sanford. Although maybe that comes later. Anyway, Darren, now reinvigorated, takes to the ice and lines up for a faceoff against Rob Blake, which is pretty impressive, considering that Rob Blake is a defenceman and, therefore, shouldn't be anywhere near the faceoff circle. Then again, the filmmakers think that Toronto is in America, so who am I to argue at this point?

Unsurprisingly, as Rob Blake is indeed a defenceman, Darren wins the faceoff in spectacular fashion and quickly ties the game with a goal against Jacques. With the score knotted in the final seconds of Game Seven, Darren makes a strong move toward the Kings' net, but he's tripped up from behind and awarded a penalty shot! Before Darren can take the shot and seal the win – or just send the game into overtime, which is sort of a plot point that the filmmakers seem to have forgotten about, Jacques casually mentions that Prudence, during her and Darren's separation, may have enjoyed Jacques' "coq," which sends Darren into yet another stupor.

With the Leafs' best player once again distracted by his own mental illnesses, Cherkov fakes a heart attack – just like Fred Sanford! – while Guru Pitka hijacks a pair of elephants and has them copulate on the ice, much to Jane's – and the crowd's – entertainment. Somehow, this strange sight causes Darren to break out of his funk and, while Jacques is distracted by one of the few things better hung than he is, Darren scores the winning goal while the real Mike Myers and Kanye West celebrate in the stands together.

Why the end of this movie
is supposed to be funny.

After the game, in the Maple Leafs' locker room, Guru Pitka reunites with his longtime rival Deepak Chopra, who tells Guru Pitka that there's no hard feelings between the two of them. Guru Pitka then punches out Cherkov, but they end up being cool, since hockey has a code and all that. Finally, back in India, in the present day, cross-eyed Ben Kingsley removes Guru Pitka's chastity belt so that he can get it on with a very willing Jane . . . but Guru Pitka decides to sing first. Ripping off The 40-Year-Old Virgin now?

It is no surprise why The Love Guru "won" the Razzie for Worst Picture of 2008: it is a horrible, horrible movie. Other than Stephen Colbert and, somewhat, Justin Timberlake, there is nothing funny or even remotely entertaining about the film. I can ignore the lackadaisical attention to detail – even if Toronto is actually in CANADA, dammit, or the hackneyed plot, but no character in the film, except for those mentioned above, have any value whatsoever. In fact, Mike Myers' Guru Pitka and cross-eyed Ben Kingsley are so annoying that I almost wanted to reach into my television screen and punch them out. I loathe this movie immensely, so it's no surprise that it is, indeed, a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as Middle Eastern politics take a back seat to hairstyling in another bad 2008 comedy. See you then!
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