TV Rants And Raves! 8.26.09

Posted by Ben Piper on 08.26.2009

Rants and Raves are in store with regards to True Blood, Top Chef and Top Chef Masters, the volume of TV commercials, TV Guide, & horror returning to broadcast TV. Plus, a new douchebag of the week, TV Fun Facts, and so much more!

Hello, and welcome to TV Rants and Raves Issue # 11! I am this week's guest host, Benjamin S.G. Piper Esq., filling in for your usual guy, Bryan Kristopowitz.

Bryan can't be here this week due to lingering unfortunate circumstances. I won't go into the details except to say that I wish him and his family the best.

One of the by-products of being a 411 Movie Zone staffer (especially if you're the guy that puts Fact or Fiction together every week,) is that you get to interact closely week-to-week with a lot of different people with different opinions about various subjects. You make a lot of casual acquaintances this way, but upon occasion, when you exchange enough emails and divulge enough information about yourself and it is reciprocated… You make a friend.

As such, Bryan Kristopowitz is my pal. And that's why I'm here.

Chin up, Bryan. We have your back. * Guy nod *

That said, I really have no clue with regards to what I'm about to attempt. I'm either going to crash and burn big-time or this thing will somehow fly. There won't be any middle ground.

Yeah, I'm milking the drama. Wouldn't you?

Bryan provided me with a template to work off of, which I shall do. So if there are parts of the column that seem Bryan-esque it's completely intentional. But yeah, expect me to piss some people off by turning a couple of his staples on their ear whenever I see fit.

Apologies for the long intro. Let's do this.

TV Rants and Raves


"You think we're hot and steamy? You should see the rest of our show…"

*HBO's True Blood has been racking up record numbers of viewers on a weekly basis, outdoing itself from one week to the next. I've noticed in the comments sections here at 411 as well as other prominent websites people who do not watch the show taking notice of the numbers and the rave reviews it's been getting and saying "maybe I should check that out".

Damn right you should. True Blood is addictive television.

Although, allow me to quantify that comment a bit. See, I almost lost interest in the show early on in its initial season. After the first few episodes, I found myself feeling restless and a bit bored. It didn't seem like it was building towards anything and if that was the case, I wasn't interested in wasting much more of my time. So I decided then that I would stick with it an episode or two more and if it didn't hook me in, that I would be done with it.

It's a wonder what gratuitous full frontal female nudity will make a guy tune in to.

Slightly kidding. I say that for the episode after Anna Paquin's (Whom I always thought was mega-cute) Sookie Stackhouse character has sex with her vampire paramour Bill Compton, is when the show began to kick into high gear, and get exponentially better. By the end of the first season, I was already looking forward to the second.

And this season has not disappointed, at least to me. Just when I think that this show can't get any freakin' weirder, it does, in a good way. And it's not just the weirdness (which it has oodles of) it's got a little of everything. It allows itself to be funny and not take itself too seriously (at times) while still hitting all the proper dramatic notes, (this year's weekly cliffhangers have been exceptional) while filling out the mythology to better understand the world these characters inhabit.

And the acting is pretty damned good too. Anna Paquin is truly great as Sookie, a small town waitress that can't really connect with others due to her telepathy, (She can hear other people's thoughts) and finds herself enamored with a vampire that walks in to the place she works one night, due to the fact that she can't "hear" him. This is the aforementioned Bill, played with quiet restraint and a southern gentlemen's sensibility by Steven Moyer.

But what really makes the show on top of the over the top mythology and the lead actors' prowess is the work of the supporting cast and the fully realized characters that they play, culled from Charlaine Harris' series of southern gothic novels upon which the show is based. Ryan Kwanten plays Sookie's dim-bulb sex-addicted older brother Jason. Sam Trammel plays Sam Merlotte, Sookie's friend and boss at the bar and grill that he owns in the Louisiana town of Bon Temps. Sam's got a bit of an unusual… condition, shall we say. Rutina Wesley is Tera, Sookie's childhood best friend with her own set of demons and a foul mouth that won't quit. And Nelsen Ellis is great as Lafayette, Tera's gay street smart vampire's blood (or V, seeing as it acts as a powerful drug upon humans) dealing cousin and short order cook at Merlotte's.

The show took the foundation that it laid out in season one and has built exponentially upon it, giving us further insight into the supernatural underworld hiding beneath the seemingly ordinary surface.

This season only has a couple of episodes left before it's gone until next summer. And I can't wait to see how it all plays out, as a showdown is brewing between our heroes and this season's "big bad" a demonic immortal named Maryann. (played at first with tempered restraint before giving way to gleeful abandon by Ensign Ro herself, Michelle Forbes)


"Yeah, I've got a hot Milf-y vibe to me, but you don't want to hang around too long. Once I turn your eyes black, you're fucked. Literally."

What also has been great this season is that the vampire Eric (played by Alexander Skarsgard, son of Steffen) has been given much more to do, (he pines for Sookie, though his fascination hasn't been explained in full just yet) resulting in the character becoming a fan favorite and Skarsgard a heartthrob for the ladies to enjoy and moon over. That and the sweet yet awkward romance between the young vampire Jessica (played by hottie Deborah Ann Woll) and Hoyt, a secondary character that was simply window dressing during the first season.

All in all, True Blood is worth your time and effort if you're interested in a weird, (in a good way) wacky and wonderful show that doesn't insult the viewer's intelligence and makes the time investment well worth the journey.


"I feel your oncoming criticism lacks emotional depth. You're phoning it in and I hate you for it."

*I hate Reality TV. Loathe it. American Idol? Can't stand the fact that it's made arrogant douchbag Simon Cowell a household name, despite the fact that he has no discernible talent of his own. He's like Paris Hilton with a certain amount of street cred. Randy Jackson? Yo, Dawg? Kindly go back now to simply playing bass for the cover band version of Journey. (No Steve Perry? Not the real Journey, even if it does have several key members in place) Please. And all the drama over whether or not Paula Abdul will be coming back this year? Who really gives a shit?! I mean, after all, was it really necessary to give this trainwreck a second career in the public eye after all interest in her died out, say, I don't know, twenty years ago?

I don't watch the show, but I cannot help to know who the fuck these people are and all their current dramas with regards to contract negotiations, so on and so forth…

And the fact that Ryan Seacrest of all people is about to be paid fifteen million dollars. A YEAR. For the same job that Ed McMahon did for a buck fifty daily and a free lunch back in the day.


"I gotta fire my agent!"

And yes, I know, Mr. McMahon is no longer with us. Buy yourself a sense of humor.

And that's just skirting the surface. You've got Dancing with the C-Listers, Big Smother 11, America's Got Annoying, so on and so forth. Citing the late, great George Carlin, It's all bullshit, and it's bad for ya.

That said. I do admit to having one reality TV show vice.

Top Chef.

I know. It's insane. I hate reality TV, but I'm somehow addicted to this show. I'm not even a fuckin' "foodie" whatever the hell that shit means. Most of the cuisine that winds up being prepared I would likely quickly turn my nose up at, just on general principle.

It's a fish-based dish? Nope, not eating it, don't care how tasty it might be. Outside of shrimp, I simply don't do seafood.

What the fuck is a seviche?

Nope, not eating anything prepared tar-tar. I have my standards.


"One of us is a hottie, and the other is a Chef and food critic. Guess which one is which"

But nonetheless, I like Top Chef. I blame my friend Nonie, whom initially got me hooked. She was a sous chef in a previous life and just fawned over the show relentlessly until she sucked me into watching a mini-marathon of episodes a few years back with her. That was all it took.

While it has all the hallmarks of your usual reality TV fare, (competition show, snarky and conflicting personalities, etc.) it somehow manages to elevate itself above all the other reality based dreck that's out there. I think this somehow has to do with the fact that the people involved aren't just a bunch of shmoes picked off of the street for their personalities, for these people are truly talented in their chosen profession. In this new season, based in Las Vegas, there are several James Beard nominees (which is a big deal in the high-class restaurant world) plus several new added dynamics that we haven't seen before on the show;

Because the show is based in Sin City this year, the producers have promised to "up the ante". They did this in the first episode by giving the winner of the week's "quickfire challenge" fifteen thousand dollars, which they've never done before, especially for a quickfire.

The winner of said prize was Jennifer, who looks to be frontrunner not only because of this win but the fact that she's worked for big-time famous chef Eric Ripert, who's served as a judge on Top Chef from time to time. In her introductory comments to the camera, she admits to being a bitch in the kitchen that's made grown men cry.

In contrast, the individual who is seemingly setting out to be this seasons "villain" (i.e. the guy to root against) is the egotistical Mike Isabella, who seems to think he's the king shit be all-end all of Top Chef contestants. (There's always one every season.) His disbelief at the fact that he was defeated by a GIRL of all things just put me off. Yeah, while it's early and one can't usually judge who these people truly are and what their likeability scale is until a few episodes in, he's shaping to be this year's arrogant douchebag.

Also interesting is the fact that for the first time ever, a pair of brothers are competing against one another. Polar opposites Brian and Michael Voltaggio in this first episode expressed the fact that while they are rooting for one another overall, in terms of personal sibling rivalry, it's on! Nice!

The past couple of months Bravo has presented us with Top Chef Masters. It's basically the same concept of the original show, with the exception that that participants weren't "up and comers" as it were, but top class world renowned chefs in their own right. They participated in the various challenges, and narrowed down the field until there was only three;

Hubert Keller, renowned French chef extaordinaire. Michael Chiarello, Italian based chef and cook book author. And Rick Bayless, the leading authority with regards to high end Mexican cuisine.

All three of them are the true pinnacle of their profession, if the show's hype is to be believed. And when it came right down to it, any one of them was capable of winning the esteemed title of Top Chef Master!

As soon as I saw that Kellar was part of this competition, I thought he had it sown up,(not that I really know this world in which these people work, I'm working off gut instincts) as he easily won his preliminary round. Seen him as a judge previously on the show, I figured he would win. Easily.

But he didn't.


"Call me MASTER, bitch!"

Mexican cuisine expert Rick Bayless wound up winning the title of Top Chef Master. Good for him.

The point that I'm trying to get at is the fact for all the various reasons that I despise reality TV, the Top Chef franchise not only manages to fully use all the calling cards of the genre, as required, but it also manages to turn the stereotype on its ear…

This whole Top Chef Masters run of shows? Considering the big names in the restaurant world that were involved, it should have devolved into a vicious battle of egos, right? That would be the pre-requisite mandate right out of the freakin' gate for a normal reality show. But all the contestants, while all wanting to win, really had nothing to prove other than how good they were. There was no "I must win or I'll die" histrionics, no backstabbing, just genuine healthy respect between the whole lot of them, which I found refreshing to behold. As a result, I hope that they bring back Top Chef Masters again next year.

*Please allow me to paint a mental picture for you. You're sitting at home one evening, watching a TV program that you enjoy at a comfortable volume so that you can hear everything clearly, but you do not have it up enough to constitute being "loud" necessarily. You're watching the show live so you do not have the benefit of a DVR or TiVo to fast forward through the commercials. So you're watching, and inevitably the show cuts to a commercial break.

And once said commercial break arrives the first commercial that comes on is about 20 decibel levels louder than the show you were watching, launching you over the back of your couch and into the wall with great velocity. You scramble to grab up the remote to turn the sound down before the neighbors call the police on you for having a jumbo jet parked idling in your living room.

Yes, I'm exaggerating. Just bear with me.

So anyways, you're dumbfounded by this onslaught of sound that suddenly came at you from out of nowhere without warning. You turn to your spouse or your friend or whomever was watching with you and exclaim "what was up with that" back and forth until the commercials end and the show comes back on. Except that you've forgotten that you turned the volume down so when it comes back on you miss ten to fifteen seconds of dialogue trying to get the sound back to where it was before this whole sorry scenario began playing out.

Even worse, you have to turn it up even louder than before because you've lost approximately 15% of your total hearing capability from the initial commercial aural bombardment. And at the next commercial break, the whole thing plays out again, but they surprise you this time by having the loud ass commercial the last one before the show returns.

Please, tell me I'm not the only one this has happened to, and that I'm not the only one greatly annoyed by this advertising practice. (It's usually those fuckin' infomercials that are guilty of it most often)

With regards to the latter, I actually know that I'm not. I don't remember where I read or saw it, but a member of congress from my home state of California is proposing a ban on these auditory killers, calling them a public nuisance that occurs within the confines of one's own home.

And while I actually like the idea and principle, the devil's advocate in me wonders if the federal government doesn't have more important shit to discuss and vote on rather than this.

Not that that has ever stopped them before…

*Horror is returning to TV! And I'm not just talking the Sci-fi Syfy Channel. I'm talking some big channels bringing big names in the horror genre to their sandbox.

First off, there's ABC. In the past this major network has brought quite a few mini-series based upon the work of Stephen King to fruition, often with teleplays written by the master himself. (The Shining remake, The Stand, the uneven Desperation, etc.) Now they're bringing cult horror icon Clive Barker into the fold.


"Ignore the scary lookin' snarley dude over my shoulder, I'M the one you should be worried about."

If you're unfamiliar with Barker's work, here's some hints… Hellraiser, Nightbreed, Lord of Illusions & Candyman are amongst his most famous literary creations that have been adapted for the big-screen. But that is merely scratching the surface, for all his stuff he's brought to visceral life on the page far outweighs his output with regards to movies. Of his works, I'm personally a fan of Weaveworld, The Great And Secret Show, and of course, his collection of short stories The Books Of Blood. (Which the short stories for Hellraiser, Candy Man, and the novella Cabal,which was the basis of NightBreed were all a part of, at least in the releases in England. A lot of them were released under different titles in the US)

Barker has a truly sick, twisted, and gifted imagination to say the least.

Now he'll be producing Clive Barker's Hotel, about a haunted hotel naturally. (No Shining cracks please.) Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton, who co-wrote the last several Saw movies are on board to script the potential series, with ideas and premises from Barker directly for them to work off of, if some of the sources I've seen are true.

As I said before, Barker is a truly innovative horror icon, and the fact that a major broadcast network like ABC went out of it's way to outbid both Fox and Warner Bros. for the rights to this puppy has me excited, and a slight bit giddy, if I'm to be honest.

But of course, if it were to be picked up as a regular series, it would most likely be saddled with a Friday night death slot.

Kinda ironic, doncha think?



At the same time, AMC is preparing a horror series of it's own. The basic cable network has done alright for itself by bringing highly touted series such as Mad Men and Breaking Bad to the public's consciousness. It is now in talks with none other than Frank Durabont (Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, The Mist) to adapt the Image Comic The Walking Dead for a TV series.

NICE! While the basic concept of the comic reads like 28 Days Later roughly, I have enough respect and admiration for Durabont that he will do this thing up right and make it a worthwhile experience for all that tune in.

So color me optimistic on both fronts, but especially in terms of a potential Walking Dead series. With AMC being basic cable, they will be able to get away with more with regards to subject matter and violent content. Plus, if it's any kind of ratings success (and again, we're talking a basic cable network here) it has a better chance of being renewed for further seasons.

With regards to Clive Barker's Hotel's chances on ABC? In a nutshell, it's already doomed to be a mini-series or a summer replacement. (And really, both of those amount to one and the same) Let's keep our fingers crossed that we'll get to enjoy it nonetheless.

I'm just stoked at the prospect that a series with Clive Barker's name in the title has a good chance of seeing the light of day upon a major broadcast network.

*I love TV Guide.

There's just something about being able to plan out in advance your TV viewing schedule that this constant periodical enables one to do. Sure, most of the stories contained within I've already read or encountered on other entertainment websites, but so what? That's not why I buy it when I'm set to check out of my supermarket.

In this day and age of cable and satellite providers giving us a handy dandy program guides at our fingertips to peruse what's on in the next several hours upon the countless channels we currently have at our disposal, it's just not the same thing.

Why? With TV Guide I'm able to know several days in advance that some obscure show that I wanted to see and I wouldn't have caught using the program guide that was available at my fingertips is going to air in the next few days.

I can prepare. I can plan. I can make a concerted effort to watch this show, that I wouldn't have been cogniscent of without the benefit of said magazine.

And then, the day the show airs, I'm all set to watch it. I'm there with bells on, fella. I'm all set to go. Ready and willing and rarin'!

But then I eat a heavy dinner, and promptly fall asleep afterwards, so I miss the fuckin' thing entirely.

And PBS doesn't do repeats of "special programming" for the most part. Sometimes they do, but in this instance?

Well, at least I know that it aired and I missed it. That has to count for something, right?

Right?

I take it back. I hate TV Guide.

Fun Facts

Bryan has laid out this template for me, in which I could either choose to go the route of a section called "Complete Lies" or "Strange Thoughts". After careful consideration, I decided against both of them and pave my own way, and introduce a new idea into the TV Rants And Raves universe; Fun Facts!

Fun Fact: David Boreanaz (whom currently stars on Bones and initially made a name for himself for being Angel) has a lifelong fear of birds. Seriously. They freak him out. I quote "I hate birds. It's more roosters that I'm fearful of, but I'm not crazy about chickens, either".

I stole that quote from the current print edition of TV Guide to be completely honest with you.

But it makes me feel a little better about myself. Suddenly, my severe arachnophobia doesn't seem so bad.

I'd enclose a picture of a tarantula, but it'd freak me out so much I wouldn't even click the link to my own damned column that I had written.

Fun Fact: Mr Eko wishes to return to the mystery island he mandated he be written off of.

What? What did you expect from a TV column written by 411's LOST dude? (Warning! SPOILERS ahead!)

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (whew) has expressed interest in returning to LOST during the show's final sixth season, according to Entertainment Weekly to play his character Mr. Eko once again.

Triple-A (Sorry, that's just so much easier) proved to be a bit tempermental during his run as a series regular on the show, demanding script changes at the last minute and generally being a pain in the ass, if the internet rumors are correct. (and when have they ever been wrong before, he states sarcastically?)

All that stated, I think it would be awesome to get another dose of Mr. Eko on my favorite show. He was a great character that was killed off far too soon. (Again, at the behest of the actor himself, whom didn't like living and working in Hawaii full time, so the story goes. )

Team Darlton has basically stated at Comic-con earlier this year that we can expect all kinds of surprises, and considering that Elizabeth Mitchell (Juliet), Ian Somerhalder, (Boone) and quite possibly (but not confirmed) Dominic Monahan (Charlie) will likely return to the fold, why not Mr. Eko?

Just something to chew over for the time being.
***

The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

(This week hand-chosen by BP)

Enjoy.



***

And now, Dr. Phil.



"You know, my wife Robin truly is a saint. She's been with me every step of the way. She's raised my children. She's cooked my meals. She's cleaned my house. She even picked up my crusty week-old underwear after I played three sets with Tom McEnroe by hand and tenderly hand-washed them. For that, when she tells me she's too tired for sex when we climb into bed, I just simply thank her for all the things she does for me, and we go to sleep…"

"…"

"…Nah, just kidding. Once she starts snoring I gingerly move her undergarments aside and have my way with her without her ever knowing it. Anus, vagina, doesn't really matter to me. I can't help but laugh the next day when she's walking a little funny and doesn't know why."

My God, Phil, you are such an asshole.

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

Still no change on the Fearnet on Time Warner cable front. Time Warner Cable still hasn't reinstated the free, 24/7 on demand horror channel.

What the heck are they waiting for? Damned if I know. You'd think they would have gotten the message by now and reinstated it for everyone. But, no. That hasn't happened.

We must keep the pressure on, though. That's all we can really do.

If you haven't done so already, please check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here.

And you can also go to the Fearnet.com website for all kinds of info regarding, well, everything Fearnet related. They also have free movies, too. They should have new ones loaded right now. That's what they do on Wednesdays.

Is "Christmas Evil" still there? I don't know. But if you go here you can find out.

Come on Time Warner! We want our Fearnet!

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

***

The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week




" They both wanted me, and couldn't have me. THAT'S why! "

This week's douchebag is original Survivor winner and convicted tax cheat Richard Hatch. Soon after being released from federal prison to serve out the remainder of his sentence on house arrest, Hatch was quickly returned to the pokey. What was his offense? He didn't receive permission from the Federal Bureau of Prisons to be interviewed on TV. Well, that's not entirely accurate. He was given permission to do an interview for The Today Show, but that was it. According to his lawyer, the snafu was a "misunderstanding" as Hatch thought he had permission to also talk to the local NBC affiliate where he was staying as well as the NBC produced Access Hollywood.

But that's not earns him this week's "douchey".

What does is the fact that in his Today Show interview he conducted that day, he made allegations that both the judge and the prosecuting attorney for his trial discriminated against him because he is gay, and that is why he was sent to jail. He went on to say that he believed that if he were heterosexual, he would have been acquitted of all charges.

Of all the horseshit I've ever heard in my life…

Look, I understand that homosexuals are discriminated against every day. Of that, I do not dispute. Myself, I'm of the mind that if it doesn't interfere with me or my life, you can do what you want as long as it doesn't bring harm onto others. If homosexuals want to marry? Fine, why shouldn't we let them be as miserable as the rest of us?

But the fact of the matter is that this asshole didn't pay taxes on the one million dollar check he received for winning Survivor and then turned around and lied on the stand about it. He got caught. He got prosecuted. He got sentenced. End of story, right there.

Except for the fact that now this douche is now trying to drum up sympathy and publicity for himself by painting himself as a victim in this whole thing. I shouldn't be surprised, for while I now hate reality TV for the most part, I did tune in for the first season of Survivor back when it was fresh and innovative.

And nothing's changed. Richard Hatch was a douchebag then, and he is still a douchebag now.
***

And now, your weekly "Jericho" update

It's still cancelled. Get over it. Seriously. I'm sorry, just speaking the truth. Don't hate on me, I didn't cancel the show…



***

IRL and NASCAR thoughts

First off, here's to wishing Will Power and Nelson Philippe a speedy recovery after a horrendous crash at Sonoma during practice on Saturday. Power broke two vertebrae in his lower back (ouch!) and suffered a concussion and Philippe received a concussion as well as an open fracture to his left foot and a broken right leg as a result. (Yeesh!)

Seen the wreck. Pretty brutal. One car plowing into the other T-bone style at full speed. Not pretty.

As for the race itself, I thought it was pretty good. A lot of passing for a road course, to be sure. Congrats to Dario Franchitti for leading the entire race, from start to finish.

The Cup race at Bristol proved to be entertaining, considering all the double-file restarts, especially late in the race. Seemed like towards the end Kurt Busch or Juan Pablo or even points leader Tony Stewart (whom couldn't catch a break all day) found themselves with a car that couldn't keep up which led to a huge clusterfuck on more than one occasion. About the only thing I didn't like about it was who won. While Mark Martin led the most laps, he was unable to pass Kyle Busch in the final four lap shootout for the checkered.

Martin continues to prove how much of a class act he is. After climbing out of his car after the race, he basically admitted to wanting to wreck Busch when he had the chance (As he had several), but couldn't bring himself to do it, considering that for once Busch managed to race clean.

Something tells me that if it had been Smoke or Brian Vickers, it might have been a different story.

Look, Kyle Busch is a great and talented driver. But he's an asshole. And a crybaby. He's the new generation's answer to Jeff Gordon. And I can't fuckin' stand him.

Just being honest…
***

That'll be about it

"When I was twenty, my cousin Rufus was going out with this girl who claimed that she could crush a beer can… with her tits. And one night when we were alone, I asked her to show me. One can led to another and before you knew it? She was crushing my head… with her tits. Rufus came home and he was so mad, he threw me out the window. My hip shattered into a million pieces. They replaced it with metal. My ass is magnetic now!"

"I pray to God you ain't the last motherfucker I meet before I die."

That's from "True Blood" but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

Yeah, I think "Family Guy" sucks and is completely overrated. Hence this week's temporary replacement.

***

Cancer sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

***








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***



So that's it for this week. Apologies to everyone for the column being a day late… (My bad) With any luck, Bryan will be back in the fold and do this thing up like only he can do next week. I thank him for the chance to play in his sandbox. It was stressful, but a good deal of fun to be able to vent in my own way about whatever I had on my mind. I hope you all enjoyed it.

Sincerest regards,
-BP