Misunderstood Masterpieces 9.01.09: You Don't Mess with the Zohan
Posted by Will Helm on 09.01.2009
...or, Oh, I Will Mess with the Zohan Whether You Like It or Not
Through the '90s, few comedy stars were as bankable as Adam Sandler. Though his film career started with the forgettable Going Overboard and the underrated Airheads, after a star-making spell on Saturday Night Live, Sandler would see his value in Hollywood rise exponentially. First, Sandler hit it big with one of the favorite movies of college stoners everywhere, Billy Madison. Later, he took on Bob Barker and lived to tell the tale in Happy Gilmore and even added romantic comedy to his repertoire with The Wedding Singer.
After The Wedding Singer, however, Sandler's stock began to decline in accordance with the decline in quality of his films. Though The Waterboy and Big Daddy were hits, Little Nicky proved to be a bit of an undoing for Sandler, beginning his slow descent. Between then and now, Sandler tried to get back to his former glory by retreading past victories (50 First Dates); remaking classic comedies with Mr. Deeds and The Longest Yard; or trying his hand at more dramatic fare, such as Punch-Drunk Love, Reign Over Me and Spanglish. Unfortunately, none of it really seemed to work.
And what if I do mess with the Zohan? Hmm?
Last year, however, Adam Sandler attempted a career Renaissance with the one genre he does best: wacky comedy. Sandler's attempt for winning back Hollywood in 2008 was the strangely titled You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Featuring Sandler alongside many of his co-conspirators, You Don't Mess with the Zohan was unfortunately met with middling reviews upon release and ended up grossing just barely more than its $90 million budget. Though Adam Sandler was once a comedic legend in Hollywood, he may be meeting his Waterloo as of late . . . or You Don't Mess with the Zohan is actually a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!
On the beaches of Israel, Zohan Dvir (Sandler) and his egregious cut-off denim shorts frolic while surrounding HOT CHICKS are impressed with his wicked footbag skillz. Later in the day, Zohan singlehandedly wins a game of tug-of-war against a horde of muscle-bound men and then a raging bull. But not Jake LaMotta. A literal raging bull. That evening, Zohan chills out by barbequing in the nude while some guy and HOT CHICKS dance. After the guy prods him to have some fun, Zohan joins in the dancing and then rapes himself with a grilled fish. OK then. Unfortunately for Zohan, the Israeli army must frown on sodomy with seafood as they fly in on a helicopter and take Zohan away because his actions just aren't kosher.
The next day, at a secret Israeli army base, some guy briefs Zohan – even though he surely wasn't wearing briefs earlier – about an evil John Turturro causing trouble somewhere in the Middle East. No word on whether or not it's actually just the Transformers 2 premiere; that is pretty evil. Apparently, the reason evil John Turturro is running amok to begin with is that the Israeli government released him from prison in exchange for some hostages, a fact which ticks off Zohan immensely. Zohan, upset about having to capture evil John Turturro again, questions his superiors' plans and then volunteers to do the mission all by himself because he's awesome and all that.
Adam Sandler, doing his best "Brüno" impression.
That evening, in his bedroom, Zohan readies his weapons and then he peruses bad hairstyles in an old Paul Mitchell look book. Zohan then pulls out a pair of scissors and daydreams with them . . . until the guy from earlier and some HOT CHICKS interrupt, snapping Zohan out of his trance. Sometime later, Zohan has dinner with his parents and he tells him that he wants to quit being an Israeli super soldier, a development his parents aren't quite happy with, as his father (comedy legend Shelley Berman) scolds him for his insolence because he fought in the Six Day War. Remarkably, their combined guilt doesn't work on Zohan, as he just states that he wants to be "creative," which actually entails moving to America to become a hairstylist. Dum-dum-DUM! With Zohan's true desire now revealed, his parents cruelly mock him because they think he's gay. Real nice, movie.
After Zohan cries himself to sleep, he awakens the next morning to break into a terrorist base somewhere else in the Middle East. Armed with just his feet and witty banter, Zohan makes his way through the base until he finds evil John Turturro waiting for him on the ceiling of some room. After evil John Turturro jumps out a window in an attempt to escape, Zohan follows and, during the chase, Zohan makes a balloon animal out of some rocks for some petulant Palestinian kids. Sadly, the kids don't throw the "balloon animal" back at Zohan afterward.
Later in the chase, down on the beach evil John Turturro hijacks a Jet Ski – which seems awfully stereotypical, to be quite honest, but Zohan leaps into the water and swims after evil John Turturro and, eventually, preposterously, he catches up with his rival. Once Zohan tears evil John Turturro from the Jet Ski, they have a face off in the water, wherein evil John Turturro attacks himself with a piranha, attaching it to his own neck. Zohan, unimpressed, yanks the piranha from evil John Turturro and then stuffs it down his own pants with no ill effects. Evil John Turturro, now marveling at Zohan's pain threshold, ups the ante in the showdown by pulling out a grenade, with which he and Zohan play racquetball . . . until Zohan loses! Oh, well; movie's over! Or not, as it seems that Zohan merely faked his death, as he swims off and claims his clothes from a helpful pelican.
John Turturro's going to show that shwarma he means business!
Sometime after, Zohan finds himself in the cargo hold of a plane with two dogs, with whom he becomes fast friends. Zohan then styles his own hair and, later, the dogs', which, upon landing, makes their crazy owner freak out. Meanwhile, Zohan makes his way through the airport – after disassembling a crate with his tongue – and grabs a taxi driven by Jamaican Chris Rock. During the drive to Manhattan, Zohan and Jamaican Chris Rock chat about America and dreams, but Jamaican Chris Rock brings everything down by mentioning the murder of his family. Why did you have to bring it down like that, man?
After what is probably a very uncomfortable silence, Jamaican Chris Rock drops Zohan off at a giant Paul Mitchell salon in Manhattan, where Zohan is so entranced by the entrance and goings on inside that he humps the door. Presumably after Zohan finishes up, he dances down the street before entering the building and asking the sassy receptionist (Lina So, from VH1's Scream Queens) if he can meet with the vaunted Paul Mitchell. The sassy receptionist responds by mocking Zohan's outdated hairstyle, and a bunch of the other stylists and even some customers join in the fun. Zohan, with his dreams of working for Paul Mitchell crushed, leaves dejected and swears REVENGE!
Zohan's first step in exacting REVENGE: he jumps on top of a car and rides it through the streets of Manhattan. Meanwhile, Adam Sander's favorite man-child actor, Nick Swardson, gets hit by a car while riding his bike, causing a bigger accident. While Nick Swardson tries to calm everyone's nerves, some uppity businessman freaks out at him and threatens violence . . . at least until Zohan swoops in out of nowhere and intervenes. When the uppity businessman turns his rage on Zohan, Zohan responds by pummeling the uppity businessman with someone else's feet before tying the uppity businessman into a human pretzel. While this altercation is taking place, swarthy Rob Schneider drives a cab while being insulted by two petty socialites. With the situation well in hand, Zohan and Nick Swardson bond until Zohan spies swarthy Rob Schneider driving the cab and recognizes him to be a terrorist in hiding! Dum-dum-DUM!
Adam Sandler's favorite man-child.
Later that evening, Zohan goes home with Nick Swardson and joins him and his mom (Lainie Kazan) for dinner. After Nick Swardson's mom agrees to put up Zohan for the time being, Zohan repays her by boning her after dinner, which makes Nick Swardson rightly freak out. Afterward, Zohan pees on Nick Swardson's cat, just because he can. Perhaps to then win over Nick Swardson, Zohan invites him to a disco later that night, but he kind of ruins the sentiment by boning Nick Swardson's mom a second time. Oops.
At the club, Nick Swardson, Zohan, and Zohan's egregious cut-off denim shorts hang out – no pun intended. Now with no terrorists to foil, Zohan finds himself a new mission: get Nick Swardson laid. To that end, Zohan hijacks the DJ booth and – after tying the DJ into a pretzel, his signature finish movie, evidently – Zohan plays all the hits of the '80s and beyond, and the clubgoers actually dig it. While Zohan humps the turntables in celebration, Nick Swardson hits on some chick and gets beat up for his troubles. Meanwhile, some Israeli guy (Ido Mosseri) recognizes Zohan as Israel's presumed dead super agent, but Zohan tells the guy not to blow his cover now that he's free and in America. He then confesses his dream of wanting to be a hairstylist, so the Israeli guy now believes Zohan is gay. It must be a Yiddish thing.
Emmanuelle Chriqui casually forgot the lower half of her shirt. Not that I mind.
The next day, Zohan visits various salons around New York looking for a job. At one, he beats up a wig of dreadlocks, thinking it be some dread creature . . . no pun intended. At another kid-centered salon, Zohan terrifies some petulant kid before knocking him out with a Vulcan neck pinch, much to the owner's chagrin. Eventually, Zohan makes his way to the Israeli guy's electronics store, where some real-estate guy is busy hassling the Israeli guy about rent because real-estate magnate Michael Buffer wants to tear the place down. Let's get ready for urban renewal! After the Israeli guy haggles the real-estate guy into submission, Zohan asks the Israeli guy for a job, but the Israeli guy, sympathetically, refuses, as the electronics store killed the dreams of all its workers and he doesn't want it to kill Zohan's dream of being a hairstylist.
In order for Zohan to realize his dream, the Israeli guy directs Zohan to a salon on the Palestinian side of the street where Zohan can apply for a job. First, however, they watch a commercial on YouTube for evil John Turturro's evil fast food restaurants back in the Middle East. Apparently he's just as good an entrepreneur as he is a terrorist. Somehow, this causes Zohan to daydream about his own severed hand killing a guy back in Israel. This vision emboldens Zohan to put aside his prejudices and dance across the street to the Palestinian salon, where he applies for a job with the HOT CHICK owner (Emmanuelle Chriqui). Unfortunately, she's not hiring, so Zohan does calisthenics in order to impress her; surprisingly, it works.
Over the course of the next few days, Zohan zealously sweeps up hair clippings for the HOT CHICK owner and her fellow stylists – some flamboyant Asian guy (Alec Mapa) and some nondescript blonde chick. Later, Zohan works up the confidence to hit on the customers, but that merely earns him a stern talking-to from the HOT CHICK owner. Luckily for Zohan, the flamboyant Asian guy takes pity on him and gives him lessons in hairstyling after work. After, for no reason in particular, Zohan becomes a limousine driver for Fonzie (Henry Winkler) and drives him through Manhattan on two wheels; they finally end up at a gala event, where Fonzie throws up in front of Michael Buffer. Let's get ready for nausea!
Is it possible to be able to smell someone through a monitor?
Back at the salon, Zohan sexually harasses an elderly customer but, when the HOT CHICK owner scolds him again, he stabs himself in the leg with a pair of scissors. Luckily for him, he needn't increase his self-mutilation further, as one of the stylists – presumably the nondescript blonde chick – quits and Zohan gets a promotion, against the HOT CHICK owner's better judgment. Zohan responds by giving an elderly customer a sensual shampoo, making a mess with the water in the process; then, after finishing off her hair, he bones her in the back room. Hopefully, afterward, she gave him a tip, because he gave her the whole thing!
Eventually, thanks to Zohan's unique hairstyling methodology, the salon becomes popular with horny old maids. As well, Paul Mitchell (John Paul DeJoria, who isn't really "Paul Mitchell" but plays him on TV) calls Zohan and offers a job at his salon, but Zohan respectfully declines, which I guess is good enough for REVENGE. Later, swarthy Rob Schneider runs a telemarketing hotline from the front of his taxi while driving the two socialites from earlier in the movie to the Palestinian salon. Meanwhile, at the salon, Zohan and his flamboyant Asian coworker tag team a customer; at just this moment, conveniently, swarthy Rob Schneider pulls up and sees Zohan, which causes a flashback to the Middle East, where Zohan beat him up and stole his goat. Of course, swarthy Rob Schneider swears REVENGE for this action, even though it's probably ages in the past. Back in the salon, meanwhile, Zohan, randomly, shows off his giant mound of pubes to the flamboyant Asian coworker. Umm . . . okay.
Later that afternoon, swarthy Rob Schneider calls his Palestinian buddies and rats out Zohan and, in the process, swears REVENGE! Meanwhile, Zohan and the HOT CHICK owner walk in Central Park and bond and complain about politics, which is always a romantic conversation topic. At the salon, swarthy Rob Schneider and his buddies stake out the place. Inside, Zohan gets slapped around by Charlotte Rae because he seems to have developed a horrible case of impotence; who knew Mrs. Garrett was such a freak? Later, swarthy Rob Schneider sends one of his buddies into the salon to find out of Zohan is really Zohan, but the only thing that accomplishes is that the buddy gets a haircut and becomes enamored with Zohan.
This may seem shocking, but, at one time, Lainie Kazan was a sex symbol.
Sometime later, Zohan goes to the doctor searching for a cure for his tragic impotence, but the doctor has no advice. Zohan, dejected, heads back to Nick Swardson's place, where he and the Israeli guy kick around Nick Swardson's mom's cat. In addition, they all chat about impotence, and Nick Swardson's mom deciphers that it's all because Zohan has a thing for the HOT CHICK owner and his junk is responding in kind. Meanwhile, swarthy Rob Schneider and his buddies call a terrorist hotline, but learn, much to their chagrin, that they can't get equipment due to negotiations with Israel. With this attempt fruitless, swarthy Rob Schneider and his buddies resign themselves to building their own bomb, so they visit an aging apothecary and ask him for chemicals; the aging apothecary responds by giving them Neosporin, in what has to be one of the strangest instances of product placement ever.
Back at the salon, the HOT CHICK owner sasses at another real-estate developer; after he takes his leave, Zohan hits on the HOT CHICK owner and his junk responds in kind. That night, swarthy Rob Schneider and his buddies drive by the salon and pelt it with a Neosporin bomb, mystifying Zohan. Later, the Israeli guy makes out with Nick Swardson's mom over dinner – I guess he has no problem with Zohan's sloppy seconds – while Zohan and Nick Swardson's mom identify the strange substance in the "bomb." This evil antiseptic attack leads to Zohan joining the local neighborhood watch, alongside Kevin Nealon. Conveniently, Zohan spots a trio of vandals attacking one of the stores on the street, so he swoops into action once again and foils their spray painting.
The next day, Michael Buffer scolds his underlings for not getting the residents of the street to move out. Let's get ready for abusive management! Back on the street, the Israelis and the Palestinians argue about the vandalism until, after Zohan's intervention, the conversation turns to sexing up First Ladies. Meanwhile, Michael Buffer calls up redneck Dave Matthews and hires him to intimidate the Israelis and Palestinians into moving out. Let's get ready for underhanded tactics! Elsewhere, swarthy Rob Schneider and his buddies call evil John Turturro in Amman and swarthy Rob Schneider informs the hero and fast-food mogul about Zohan's new identity in America, which swarthy Rob Schneider negotiates into a licensing deal with evil John Turturro.
Let's get ready for trademark infringement!
Sometime later, the Israeli guy informs Zohan that evil John Turturro is coming to the United States for some footbag exhibition, conveniently being put on by Michael Buffer. Let's get ready for stoned college guys! Meanwhile, in Jordan, evil John Turturro wakes up in a bed full of HOT CHICKS – of which one even has a tramp stamp; I guess the Koran has no problem with that – and then he goes into training for his big showdown with Zohan. In America, Zohan, finally, confesses his true identity to Nick Swardson and Nick Swardson's mom and they're remarkably understanding of the situation, as crazy as it is. Zohan, meanwhile, worries about telling the HOT CHICK owner, but Nick Swardson's mom tell him there's nothing to worry about . . . until Zohan actually does tell the HOT CHICK owner and she isn't happy about the situation. So much so, in fact, that Zohan dumps her for her own safety and his crotch waves goodbye on the way out.
With Zohan now unemployed and single, he rallies his Israeli buddies, who go all paramilitary for the footbag exhibition, just in case evil John Turturro tries anything funny, I suppose. Then again, if he did try something funny, that would be a first for this movie. Something funny, I mean. That evening, at the footbag exhibition, Kevin James and John McEnroe sit in the stands together while evil John Turturro does a curtain call for the decidedly split audience. After the ovation subsides, Michael Buffer introduces Mariah Carey to sing the National Anthem, even though neither of the teams playing in the exhibition are American. Let's get ready for jingoism!
After Mariah Carey finishes her performance, evil John Turturro visits her back in her dressing room; before ANYTHING INTERESTING can happen, Zohan appears out of nowhere for his final showdown. Evil John Turturro and Zohan, finally, fight . . . or at least pretend to, until Nick Swardson interrupts with a phone call letting Zohan know that redneck Dave Matthews is busy firebombing the street! Dum-dum-DUM! While Zohan chats with Nick Swardson, evil John Turturro and Mariah Carey chat about MySpace – which is now a dated reference, a little more than a year after the fact.
Note: the patch on her jeans says "Lovely." I heartily agree.
Zohan, now with bigger issues to worry about than the presence of evil John Turturro, heads off to foil redneck Dave Matthews and his goons, but, instead, the Israelis and the Palestinians are too busy arguing to do anything. This delays Zohan, allowing evil John Turturro to show up on the scene to fight the fires . . . literally. Unsurprisingly, that doesn't work, so Zohan grabs a giant canister of hummus – because the gag is that Middle Eastern folks use hummus for EVERYTHING – and uses it to put out the fire, ruining evil John Turturro's snazzy suit in the process. Oh, this fight's going to be good!
Or not, as the HOT CHICK owner shows up to break up any potential fisticuffs – and, therefore, any action in the movie – by revealing herself to be evil John Turturro's little sister and in love with Zohan! With this crisis averted, swarthy Rob Schneider arrives on the scene looking for REVENGE against Zohan, but Zohan merely apologizes to swarthy Rob Schneider for stealing his goat and that's that. Now that everyone is friends despite their religious beliefs, they all team up to stop redneck Dave Matthews' reign of terror. Along the way, Zohan and evil John Turturro bicker a bit until evil John Turturro confesses that he doesn't really want to be a terrorist; he just wants to sell shoes.
Now that they have some common ground, Zohan and not-so-evil John Turturro team up to beat up redneck Dave Matthews' goons; meanwhile, the Palestinians rat out Michael Buffer on the news, much to Michael Buffer's chagrin. Let's get ready for a lengthy prison sentence! Finally, Zohan and not-so-evil John Turturro defeat redneck Dave Matthews with a song and he somehow flies into a window and lands on a couch between Bruce Villanch and George Takei. Whatever, movie. In the future, everyone ends up with shops in a new mall on the block and, as a final denouement, Zohan's parents stop in his salon and their cool with him being married to the HOT CHICK owner, mainly because being a HOT CHICK is more significant than being a Palestinian.
It's no surprise that You Don't Mess with the Zohan wasn't well-received at the box office: it isn't funny, it's dull, and it's WAY too long. Clocking in at almost two hours, the movie drags on and on, taking far too long to get where it needs to go, as Zohan's job interviews could have been cut out with no ill effect, as well as the scene in the club, more than a few of the hairstyling scenes, and a few of the parts with Rob Schneider's character trying to be a terrorist and failing miserably at it. The least I could ask for, I suppose, is for the movie to be streamlined. As well, all of the Middle Eastern characters have bizarre accents, which may or may not be legitimate. To my untrained ear, Zohan merely sounds French most of the time, but I could be wrong. It's a shame that You Don't Mess with the Zohan ended up being another misstep for Adam Sandler, because I feel like it could have been so much better, but now it's just another Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I see what it's like to be back among academia in 2008's variation on PCU. See you then!
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