Misunderstood Masterpieces 9.08.09: College
Posted by Will Helm on 09.08.2009
...or, If PCU and Superbad Got Together and Had a Kid and Neglected to Call It Superworse
Among the genre of comedy, one setting seems a never-ending source of material and hilarity: college. Essentially beginning with 1978's National Lampoon's Animal House one of my favorite movies, by the way, the ribald college comedy remains a tradition continuing to today. After all, the subgenre counts such classics as Revenge of the Nerds and PCU among its number. Even an under-the-radar film like H.O.T.S., while not well known, is still exceptionally entertaining due to the comedy inherent in the collegiate setting.
That title? So original.
Sadly, one of the worst comedies of 2008 is also set at a college and, oddly enough, is creatively titled College. Featuring Drake Bell previously of Nickelodeon's Drake & Josh and the not-good-but-better-than-Meet-the-SpartansSuperhero Movie and American Idol alumnus Kevin Covais, College mixed the college-comedy subgenre with another hearty comic subgenre: the high-school buddy flick. Perhaps best represented by the 2007 modern classic Superbad, the high-school buddy flick is also a tried-and-true source of entertainment. Sadly, unlike peanut butter and chocolate, a high-school buddy flick and a college comedy are two great tastes that don't taste great together, as critics largely pilloried the film, leading to a box-office take just under the film's $6 million budget. Of course, the question must be asked: what if the critics and film-goers missed something? What if College isn't just a failed comedy but, in actuality, a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
Well, I must admit that all those who didn't go to see College did miss one good thing about the film: a very original and inventive opening-credits sequence. Unfortunately, the opening credits end with the excitement that is yearbook-photo editing. Ooh! Cropping is so funny! Even when it's young high schooler Kevin Brewer (Bell), who's rudely interrupted by an annoying text from his annoying, doofy friend Carter (Andrew Caldwell, who seems to embody all the worst features of Chris Farley and Jonah Hill). For no reason whatsoever, Carter felt the need to send Kevin a video of his derriere, which is kind of homoerotic and disgusting. Note: This becomes a running theme for the movie.
After Kevin's mom tells him he can't go out because she's got a hot date or something like that because it's Cougar Time, Kevin sits down to breakfast with his creepy sister and then Carter comes over for a visit to be annoying and disgusting and yammer on about how Of Mice and Men is homoerotic. Though, evidently, sending someone a video text featuring your ass isn't homoerotic. After this very eloquent literary dissertation, Kevin and Carter head off to school, where they meet up with unsurprisingly their nerdy buddy, fake McLovin (Covais). While Fake McLovin pines for some HOT CHICK, Carter bullies him until Kevin's HOT CHICK girlfriend (Alona Tal) stops by their bank of lockers for a little chat. After the HOT CHICK girlfriend shoos away Carter and Fake McLovin, she tells Kevin that she's going to college in Florida . . . without him. Dum-dum-DUM! It seems that she wants to be a slut her senior year of high school and he's standing in the way of that goal.
College is a little bit of this . . .
At lunch, Kevin complains about his horrid luck and Fake McLovin empathizes, while Carter just mocks his buddy's pain like any good awful "friend" would. Before Kevin can go on an emo rant, some classmate with a mohawk arrives out of nowhere to describe, in graphic detail, his adventures during a recent visit at a college. Kevin, Carter, and Fake McLovin then and there decide to follow in their compatriot's footsteps with a college visit of their own, mainly because Kevin and Fake McLovin are going to that college after graduation anyway. Well, that's convenient . . . and not at all like Superbad.
That weekend, the guys hit the road in a Volvo because nothing says "hip" and "young" like "Volvo" and Fake McLovin recites their schedule for the weekend, which incurs Carter's ire because he's looking forward to the weekend's freedom. He then demonstrates this freedom by sexually harassing some HOT CHICKS on the street in a vain attempt to impress his buddies. After finally arriving at the college, the guys visit the dorm room where they'll be staying for the weekend and find it inhabited by a porn-addicted guy with a giant erection. Yet, still not homoerotic. Not at all. The guys, not content to spend a few days with a sweaty pervert, wander out onto the campus, where they ogle sorority HOT CHICKS until bumbling their way to the nearby Fraternity Row.
Meanwhile, on Fraternity Row, the elder brothers of Beta house hipster Teague (Nick Zano), toadie Cooper (Zach Cregger), and mentally deficient Bearcat (Gary Owen) lament their chapter's probationary status on campus while shooting innocent bystanders with paintball guns. While Teague and Cooper complain about a ban on pledges that year, Bearcat trembles at the thought of having to actually graduate; he's obviously not ready for civilian life. Luckily, Teague and Cooper are on hand to mollify Bearcat's fears . . . and then Teague shoots Kevin. Oh well; movie's over! Or not, as it was still just a paintball gun and not a real firearm. Somehow, this signals to doofy Carter that they've found the frat their looking for, as Carter's cousin was a member back in the day. After the guys introduce themselves, Teague hatches an evil scheme and invites them to stay for the weekend . . . in the basement.
. . . And a whole lot of this.
That evening, the frat brothers send the guys over to a little frat party at Lambda Lambda Phi and the naïve high-schoolers head over, heads filled with visions of lewd conduct and loose women. Unfortunately for the guys, Lambda Lambda Phi also happens to be the colleges homosexual fraternity, so the guys end up getting raped with Day-Glo dildos. Embarrassed, the guys head back to the frat house, where Teague throws a urine-filled balloon at Kevin and then he invites all three guys to the party they're having as well. Because if there's one thing college chicks love, it's a high-school kid covered in urine.
After enjoying some time at the party, the guys agree to do bodyshots which I've railed against before in previous columns; unfortunately but par for the course for the movie so far, they have to do them off of Bearcat and not some HOT CHICKS. The guys try to renege on the agreement, but the frat guys make them do it anyway. Perhaps disturbingly, the guys seem to enjoy it after a few tequila shots, even when they're poured down the crack of Bearcat's ass. The guys, now hammered beyond belief, head upstairs to the party proper, where they all dance badly as drunken white kids would. Meanwhile, Teague and his frat brothers scheme with some HOT CHICKS in a plan that can only turn out badly, while another frat brother gets slapped around for no particular reason.
Drake Bell is going to rock you gently, rock you slowly.
Later in the party, Kevin finds himself playing quarters with a HOT CHICK (Haley Bennett) and Teague isn't particularly pleased with this development; Kevin must be muscling in on his territory. Meanwhile, an Asian HOT CHICK (Camille Mana) hits on Fake McLovin I suppose in "film-world," Asians and nerds go together like peas and carrots while they're both high on nitrous oxide. Elsewhere, some blonde HOT CHICK (Nathalie Walker) drinks doofy Carter's beer, causing him to follow her around until they make out in a bedroom. Alas, their fun is rudely spoiled when a pair of HOT CHICKS come to the door, forcing Carter and the blonde HOT CHICK to hide under the bed while the HOT CHICKS get it on above them. Back downstairs, the Asian HOT CHICK and Fake McLovin bond, so much so that they end up making out and the Asian HOT CHICK even reaches into Fake McLovin's pants to give him a hand . . . but she passes out before completing her duty.
Fake McLovin, perhaps delirious from nearly getting some heavy petting as well as tequila and nitrous coursing through his veins, freaks out when a campus police car drives by; luckily for him, his conniption is quickly ended when he runs into a refrigerator and passes out. Later that night, Kevin and the HOT CHICK walk off together leaving Teague to flip out some more and she gets a text from the blonde HOT CHICK and Carter, while they're hiding under a bed populated by lesbians. After the lesbians leave the room, Bearcat enters and jumps into bed . . . and then uses the lesbians' vibrator on himself! Unfortunately for Carter and the blonde HOT CHICK, they're forced to listen in to this decidedly unsexy liaison as well. Kevin, meanwhile, politely walks the HOT CHICK to her sorority house and doesn't even try to tap it, which will probably pay off for him later on. Or, at least, I hope it does.
The next morning, Fake McLovin wakes up in bed with a naked Asian HOT CHICK . . . and his father. Of course, it's all a dream, as Fake McLovin actually awakens next to a toilet. Meanwhile, the blonde HOT CHICK rises from her slumber to find herself sharing a bed with Carter and Bearcat, which is really, really freaky, considering the blonde HOT CHICK and Carter were both under the bed when Bearcat entered the room. Fake McLovin, through the course of his bizarre dream, realizes that he's late for a scholarship interview, so he hustles over to meet with the deans; much to Fake McLovin's horror, he also happens to have Sharpie all over his face, much to the deans' horror.
Kevin Covais wows the crowd with his rendition of "Number of the Beast."
Later in the day, Carter mocks Fake McLovin as he laments his very unfortunate interview earlier . . . until they find Kevin, naked and taped to a statue in the college's quad, courtesy of Teague and his raging jealousy. Though Kevin isn't necessarily bothered by the ordeal, his ex-girlfriend is, as she watches a video text which seems a misnomer he sent her the night before and freaks out as if maybe he'll let her be a slut after all. Down the street from where the guys are, some sorority chicks frolic topless for charity, so the guys join them, much to the frat guys' chagrin. Though the guys make some headway with the HOT CHICKS from the night before, the frat guys mock them anyway and order them to clean the frat house as compensation for the room and board even though I don't think the guys have actually eaten anything since they got to the college. Well, just room then.
As this is a comedy, the guys clean the frat house during a wacky musical montage; while Kevin cleans the bathroom, Fake McLovin steals porn from Teague's car and Carter absconds with a pair of panties hidden in the couch. I sure hope those aren't Bearcat's. To finish up their chores, Carter punches out some douche, just because he's got fat rage! After the cleaning, Fake McLovin goes to some dean's house to apologize for being late and covered in Sharpie the day before. While Fake McLovin stews in the study, the dean (Wallace Merck) complains about the frats ruining his beautiful college and then berates Fake McLovin for associating with those degenerates. Later, Fake McLovin freaks out about his prospects, so Kevin cheers him up with a fake ID.
That evening, the guys go to a bar, but the fact that Fake McLovin's ID has the name and picture of an African-American woman prevents them from getting in. It would've been better if he was a 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor . . . then again, who donates Hawaiian organs? Are they better than Hawaiian pianos? Anyway, the guys get rejected, even though Carter tries to use his man-boobs to sway the bouncer, unsuccessfully. This isn't Lambda Lambda Phi anymore. After the guys whine outside about their lack of fun, Kevin is somehow reinvigorated and the guys elect to return to the frat house.
Hello. I see you forgot to wear pants. I approve.
Back at the frat house, somehow a live band and go-go dancers are performing. While the guys watch some HOT CHICK dance on the bar, Teague introduces the guys to two HOT CHICKS and then he reveals that he embezzled the guys' money to pay for the party and buy Verne Troyer as a personal slave for Bearcat. Ooh . . . he's like a crotchety, bald teddy bear! Though victims of a heinous white-collar crime, the guys take the news remarkably well, because I guess parties can soothe most wounds. Kevin, choosing to forget about the fact that he's now destitute, drowns his sorrows with a keg stand, but Fake McLovin now on notice from the dean . . . Stephen Colbert would be proud doesn't approve of that behavior . . . until Bearcat tricks him into getting drunk.
With Kevin and Carter now substantially inebriated, the three sorority HOT CHICKS wander into the party and Teague tells them that the guys are actually just losers and not worth the HOT CHICKS' time. Kevin, perhaps proving that theory true, tries to get his HOT CHICK drunk, but she isn't receptive to it. Meanwhile, Fake McLovin, blitzed out of his mind, wanders through the streets of the town like a raving madman. At the party, the frat guys mess with the high schoolers, so Kevin finally stands up to Teague. Teague, not one to be outdone, reveals to everyone that the guys are actually still in high school, which causes the partygoers to shower the pair with beer and then Verne Troyer pees on Carter, which is just weird. Elsewhere, on the streets of the town, the dean nearly runs down Fake McLovin and Fake McLovin repays the favor by vomiting all over the dean's car.
After the party, the guys bond while urinating there sure is a lot of excretory humor in this movie and then they amble over to the sorority house to apologize to their HOT CHICKS. While the frat guys watch a tape of them paralyzing one of their pledges, the guys try to apologize to the HOT CHICKS, but they aren't pleased with the sentiment. Just to add insult to insult, the frat guys who must be done with their movie time, kidnap the guys and take them to a secluded farm where the guys are stripped and attacked with pigs. After the frat guys flee the scene, the guys try to escape, though a crazed farmer shoots at them as they hop the fence. Though free of their bonds and mostly naked, the guys rebel against each other and they all freak out and split up.
"Bluto" Blutarsky is not happy with this movie.
While Carter and Fake McLovin probably do something far more interesting, Kevin tries once more to apologize to the HOT CHICK, this time in his boxers and covered in slop. Somehow, this endears him to the HOT CHICK; maybe she has a farm-animal fetish or something. Or it could just be because she wants REVENGE against Teague for sullying her reputation earlier in the term. Hmm . . . maybe Kevin could introduce Teague to his ex-girlfriend. After the HOT CHICK gives Kevin some humiliating clothes I suppose that's his atonement, he tracks down Carter and Fake McLovin and apologizes to them.
With the trio now reunited, they plan on exacting a little REVENGE against the fraternity brothers. To that end, the guys break into the frat house and hatch their devious scheme involving but not limited to super glue, welding, and explosives. And, as Teague discovers when he wakes up the next morning when the guys set off the house's sprinklers, lots of pig feces. While the house fills with water and beer, the frat brothers make a run for it, except for Bearcat, who's stuck to the toilet. In the aftermath, somehow, the frat brothers get arrested, even though it was the guys responsible for the gross vandalism. I guess embezzlement is more of a crime than property destruction in this college town. With the guys now satisfactorily avenged, they bond once more with their respective HOT CHICKS, so much so that Carter actually gets some and Fake McLovin makes out with the Asian HOT CHICK. Later, back at school, Kevin's HOT CHICK ex-girlfriend tries to get him back, but he's so over her because now he's dating a HOT CHICK who goes to college. Even though she's totally Teague's sloppy seconds.
Oh, what's this movie? You're not over? How sweet! You've got bloopers during the closing credits that are FUNNIER THAN THE MOVIE ITSELF! Thanks for that.
"Oh damn! Blutarsky looks pissed at us!"
Though I can't say College suffers from any bad performances, nothing the actors could have done would save the film from being silly and, most significantly, derivative of past films. Not only is College the bastard child of PCU and Superbad, it also contains traits of many of the films I mentioned earlier in the column, but seems to have little original thought of its own. As well, the bulk of the humor comprises the very lowest common denominator of comedy; the most high-brow gag is the fact that Verne Troyer is in the movie for no particular reason. If College is to be believed, higher education nowadays is nothing but hazing, poop jokes, and homoerotic humiliation. This movie seems to thrive on the constant threat of man-rape; evidently the filmmakers must have thought that Oz was set in a university as well. Of course, watching this film is perhaps worse than prison; it may very well comprise cruel and unusual punishment and it is a very Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week to see what happens with Vikings and Redskins collide . . . and it has nothing to do with the NFL. See you then!
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