A Fool's Utopia 9.10.09: Questions that Need Answers

Posted by Ron Martin on 09.10.2009

This week in one man's utopia we look at some of the questions facing us as Fall approaches. Also, we look back at a successful cartoon version of a semi-successful movie, a game that provided me with an alligator prop during my childhood, The Vampire Diaries and an early entry onto my Christmas list.

For every season there is a new batch of movies, TV shows and pop culture in general. Without question each season has its own flavor of entertainment. I'd like to go ahead and put the question back into the season by posing questions that I feel must be answered before we hit Christmas.

Is Megan Fox a box office draw?



As hot as the aptly named Fox might be, let's not kid ourselves. Her main success has come at the hands of Shia Lebeouf living out the fantasy of every boy who grew up in the 80s. Yeah, Transformers 1 and 2 did huge numbers, but the stars of the movies were gigantic CGI robots that can turn into either cars or planes….and sometimes videotapes or dinosaurs. You could have had Megan Fox or Bre'r Fox in there and it would have had no affect on the box office whatsoever. Now comes Jennifer's Body. It's a part that seems like it was written exclusively for Fox. The storyline hasn't been overdone and it's been promoted well. There is no dispute, she is the star of this movie. They've put her in a position where she can put her best acting ability out front for everyone to see – and by best acting ability, I mean taking off her clothes. Basically, it's put up of shut up for Fox. This is her movie. Can she bring in the green? If she can't, there will be no excuses.

Can Diane Sawyer find success where Katie Couric has not?



I think I know the answer to this one, but we'll still have to wait and find out. Everyone was very hyped up when Couric took over hosting duties of the CBS Evening News. It took us into the 21st century to get a woman host of the nightly news, but we finally had one. Just as we always do, we micromanaged her every move and tore her down from her pedestal. With a bit more seasoned Diane Sawyer taking over ABC's World News Tonight, we wait to see if the Couric thing was a fluke or if America just isn't ready to take a female nightly news anchor seriously. Fortunately, if Sawyer has more success than Couric, CBS can always point to Couric being a trailblazer and Sawyer learning from what Couric had done before her. The damage control will come at us like nobody's business, as my friend is fond of saying. These reasons mentioned above mixed with her being a more seasoned reporter, maybe getting a little more love from the journalism crowd I think equals success.

Has the Saw series run its course?



When the first Saw came out, it was a word-of-mouth home video success. It was different and innovative and basically the father of what would become a trendy horror subgenre the next few years – torture porn. When the acting and plot continuity don't matter, we ramp up the gross factor and mix in a little squemishness and we have ourselves a low budget hit. Someone along the way watched a documentary on Halloween and how it was supposed to be a annual October tradition. They simply applied that gimmick to Saw and in no time, we are up to our sixth movie with a guaranteed seventh in production. Is Saw still relevant? Profits peaked with the second movie (based on the success of the first film) and have steadily declined since, losing $30 million in the box office between Saw II and Saw V. The series has uniformly declining reviews with Saw V being labeled near unwatchable amongst critics. In fact, the entire torture porn genre was so copied, it was more deader than a Paris Hilton lay within a couple of years. I really like the idea of having a yearly Halloween tradition. Then again, I haven't seen all the Saw movies, so I'm really not helping. Regardless of how little it takes in, it's almost impossible the film wouldn't turn a profit. As long as it's turning a profit, I am sure we'll see Saw L as a programmable mindchip in 2053, providing the world survives December 21, 2012, of course.

Can The Office return to more stable hilarity?



This always seems to happen. A sleeper comedy hit gains some press and some viewers, has a short run at the top and then the quality goes to hell. Or to purgatory in the case of The Office. While The Office is nowhere near painful to watch (I'm looking at you Two and a Half Men), the quality of the show in seasons four and five were sporadic at best. Michael and Dwight are keeping this show above water right now. Season five started out well with Holly, then the writers started throwing everything at the wall at once and we went through about three seasons worth of storylines in about half a season. The season cliffhanger should have been Michael saying he was quitting, instead we blew through the best storyline of the season in three weeks and ended with the nauseating prospect of Pam being pregnant. Color me disinterested (unless she gives birth in an elevator with Michael, Dwight and Kevin, then I will retract this entire rant). The Office is in syndication now, so this can go one of two ways. 1) Everyone has their money and is set for life so we can put this thing on cruise control for three more seasons and call it a night. 2) The writing staff can recapture what they had in seasons 2 and 3, putting The Office within listening distance of the conversation for best sitcom ever.

Will NBC's lat night lineup find its audience and bounce back in the rating?



I've always loved Letterman. Conan grew on me and for a couple of seasons, I thought he had the best show. However, long before the move into The Tonight Show, I could see the writing on the wall. The Conan that took over late night in the early aughts was now cruising. Classic bits had warn out and new bits just weren't that funny. Conan at no point has ever had great monologues. You can only make silly faces into the camera for so long before we get over it. Don't get me wrong, he was still funnier than Leno, but I've seen jelly donuts funnier than Leno so that's no giant task. Letterman was still the critical king of late night, if not in the ratings and Craig Ferguson was taking giants steps behind Conan. Now comes the move and with it, the faction of old people who actually stay home and watch late night TV migrate towards Letterman because it's a face they recognize from their own youth. Meanwhile, Conan gets stuck with the anchor known as Jimmy Fallon and the news that Leno still gets his own show and a chance to throw it in Conan's face. Welcome to The Tonight Show, Conan. That was the tumultuous goings on during the spring and summer. Now fall has arrived and with it more stability, it will be time for the Conan/Fallon team to step up their game and reclaim the top spot in the late night wars, or it may be a long next few years until they can get momentum back once Letterman retires.

Can the fanboys keep Dollhouse alive for another season



We've seen it all before. Joss Whedon has seen it all before. Eliza Dushku has seen it all before. A show of critical acclaim and decent but not great ratings is cast aside so that bumbling network executives can struggle to fill the timeslot with nonsense just to piss off fanboys who will then spend thousands of dollars in support of the show buying any and all merchandise/props/autographs that become available. I am guilty of this (except for the buying stuff). I shed a metaphorical tear for fallen quality like Pushing Daisies and Eli Stone. Make no doubt about this, the fanboys are what got Dollhouse a temporary reprieve. Make no doubt about the fact that Whedon knows this and is rewarding them with fanboy guest hosts. If Dollhouse is like every other show that a vocal group got put back on the air for an extra season, it will be short lived. In the three Dollhouse episodes that I saw, I wasn't hooked on it and I'm a fan of most of Whedon's stuff. TV Universe will take a wait and see approach, but I'm afraid the writing is on the wall, so to speak.

-- I'm not afraid to admit it. I read The Vampire Diaries when I was but a young teen. For those of you unfamiliar, The Vampire Diaries are a series of books (I am pretty sure there are only four) about a teenage girl, two vampire brothers and the regular cast of people hovering around the likes of a teenage girl and two vampire brothers (ex-boyfriends, best friends and such). Now The Vampire Diaries are a new TV show on the CW. Yes, TV has decided 18 years after they were published that The Vampire Diaries would make a great series. I'm sure it has everything to do with the quality of the books and nothing to do with vampires being the biggest thing going in Hollywood right now so every uncreative moron that works for a studio is combing the libraries looking for anything and everything vampire. I am upset about this show for two reasons. 1) Its a decent story. The CW will truly f*ck it up by adding all the gayest sh*t they possibly can by making the vampire sexy. Basically, they're going to neuter the poor guys and make them into pretty, pet vampires. 2) They're changing one of the character's backgrounds from being a descendent of druids to being a descendent of Salem witches. Only there were no Salem witches. They were hanged as witches sure, but its common knowledge that were no actually witches and it was a religious fervor that was their downfall. Idiots.

That, and the book I'm trying to sell is about modern day Salem witches (of which there are plenty) – don't water down the market, CW!



-- I'm not too sure where I stand on the announcement of Rampage Jackson playing BA Baracus in the upcoming A-Team movie. I'm leaning towards not liking it (surprise, right?). I'm all for a movie version of the A –Team, but they couldn't find someone better than Rampage to play BA? Can we say stunt-casting. I only watches one season of Ultimate Fighter, but it happened to be the season where Rampage had his own team. He could barely play himself, how is going to play someone else? Especially someone as iconic as Baracus? Mr. T better have an "I pity the fool!" cameo.

Five Random and Unrelated Thoughts

1. With the NFL season starts tonight. I'm getting hyped for both the season and fantasy football. I've pulled off the typical pessimist maneuver by drafting Tom Brady onto my team. It's a no lose situation. Belichick is still an ass so Brady will probably be the best fantasy player this year due to running the score up and throwing touchdown passes at the ends of games when field goals are sufficient. However, if Brady gets hurt, there's no way the Patriots are making the playoffs and while I am not rooting for anyone to get hurt, the playoffs minus the Patriots always makes me happy.


2. I don't think changing two of the cast members with the least amount of stage time is going to fix SNL.

3. I thought Bob Barker did a great job on RAW. I haven't watched for a couple of months, but when I flipped by and saw Bob holding his own against Chris Jericho, I was locked for the better part of the night. Bob still knows how to work a crowd. And he looks pretty good for 107.

4. An Office version of Clue? Find the person who murdered Toby? I have an early entry on my Christmas list.

5. I will get blasted for this as well, but I own no Beatles albums. I grew up in the hair metal/grunge era. I had no use for the Beatle until I hit college. I've got a few song on the old ipod, but I've never been interested enough to get a full album. However, I may make it my duty to pick up these remastered CDs. As I grow to appreciate them more in my old age, these will be nice to have around.

-- You remember when you could get video game goodness just putting one coin into the coin slot? Did you ever think that there would never be a time when there was nothing on TV because your family got the extended cable package of 40 channels? Remember when mint chocolate chip ice cream was "exotic." If you do, then I think you're ready for a little RETRO

I don't know if this belongs in this section of the column or not, but it just seems right to spread the word here. Starting two weeks from today, I'll be reporting on my Halloween season. I'll be doing at least one thing Halloween related every day until the big day whether it be sometime as simple as watching a scary movie or checking out this year's batch of Halloween goodies. Should be fun.

For now, let's get back to the RETRO by going way, way back. So far back, in fact we're almost going to the other side of the 80s. We're going back to the alligator game.



I was cruising the internet checking out RETRO sights as I am apt to do when I came across the first one that I had ever seen mention the alligator game. To be honest, until this article, I had totally forgotten that I ever owned this game….correction, that I ever owned the alligator. I am sure at some point it was a game, but honestly, I only remember this insanely large alligator that haunted my room until I was about ten.

The premise of "The Alligator Game" is to feed the alligator until his jaw snaps shut. How this is accomplished, I have no idea. Like I said, I don't remember the game. I don't even remember how I came into ownership of said alligator. It was just always there. It was there to eat up unwanted He-Man figures (I'm looking at you Moss Guy) and to pester my little sister with. Who cares about the game when you've got a damn near lifesize alligator to terrorize the neighborhood with. Thirty years later and something tells me that this game would not be released today. It's teeth are too sharp; It's too scary; Some stupid little kid would try to swallow it. How's the saying go? The further we advance, the more backwards we go? I got a nice trip down memory lane with pictures of this game breaking open filing cabinets in my mind that have been gaining dust in the corner for over twenty years. I thought I'd share it.

Let's talk Beetlejuice



You see, in the mid-80s there was a little film I like to call Beetlejuice. Michael Keaton, Winona Ryder, Alec Baldwin, Geena Davis, Catherine O'Hara and Jeffrey Jones rounded out the cast. I feel like the movie didn't do as well as thought at the box office, but spurned somewhat of a home video hit "cult-like" status. I could be wrong, but I'm not here to talk about the movie.

I'm here to talk about the cartoon…



Most of the characters made the transition from bigscreen to animation with some major differences. You see, in this particular setting, Beetlejuice wasn't a big pain in the ass, he was one of the good guys! A bit lack on hygiene, but one of the good guys, nonetheless. He introduced Lydia to the netherworld which was full of all sorts of strange creatures; everything from a weightlifting French skeleton to a dancing spider. It was Lydia and Beetlejuice's job to save the world from the likes of evil popular girls. Since he was a cartoon, Beetle had to tone down the act from sleazy to fun-loving. Lydia also had to tone down from morose to "happy go lucky" Goth. If I had a dollar for every happy-go-lucky Goth I've ever run into.



I kind of liked this guy….




Mostly because he reminded me of the hairy guy from Bugs Bunny. Beetlejuice was a decent, if formulaic cartoon for its time. A lot of what you would expect; parodies, puns and pranks. The real question is did Michael Keaton get any royalty checks from this?

Forgotten Music Video



Ah, Snow, the man who scratched our itch when all we wanted most was a Canadian Reggae rapper. Don't sweat it, he spent time in jail so he is totally qualified to rap to us unintelligibly. He was so cool in fact, that not only did he wear his sunglasses halfway down his nose, but he wore his big, clunky square seeing glasses halfway down his nose. That's a two-fer kids. In his defense, back in '92 he probably had no other option for glasses. I am sure there is technology now that allows him to wear his glasses closer to his eyes. When this video was in heavy rotation, MTV would sometimes roll a "follow the bouncing ball" scroller underneath the video with the lyrics – you know, just in case you were wondering what they actually were and all. Wasn't this guy married to some really hot chick?

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

September 10, 1986

#1 Song


"Venus" by Bananarama

#1 Album



True Blue by Madonna

NOTABLES: "Papa Don't Preach," "True Blue" and "Love Makes the World Go Round."

#1 Movie



Stand By Me

I must leave you now. I'll be back next week. Until then, remember to lickey boom boom down.