The Big Screen Bulletin 09.14.09: A Toxic Iceman

Posted by Chad Webb on 09.14.2009

Three straight to video nightmares with Val Kilmer, the box office results, Megan Fox gets put in her place, the Coens remake, "Hancock 2" details, Disney/Pixar updates, new quickees, new trailer ratings, and much more!

Straight to Video Nightmares

COLUMBUS DAY







Starring: Val Kilmer, Marg Helgenberger, Wilmer Valderama, and Bobb'e J. Thompson
Written/Directed By: Charles Burmeister
Release Date: March 24, 2009
Running Time: 90 minutes
Rated R

The first film has Val Kilmer starring as John Cologne, a thief who has just pulled his final heist. He obtains a briefcase, and its contents are unknown to the audience throughout the story (look up the definition of MacGuffin please), but he must find a buyer. Once he gets his money, he plans on living the good life I guess. While he is waiting for a buyer, he befriends a small black boy named Antoine who hangs out in the park. Meanwhile, via phone calls, John tries to win back his ex-wife and his estranged daughter. Basically, this picks up after the heist, and shows us everything that transpires post-heist. It's like making The Dark Knight, only cutting out all the segments where Christian Bale is Batman. So, we miss all the excitement, and watch Kilmer walk around the park for 90 minutes. Kilmer lends a very one-note performance as an aging criminal, but it is not horrendous. The fault lies with the script on this occasion.

Bobb'e J. Thompson, the vulgar child from Role Models becomes friends with Val Kilmer. Who in their right mind thought this pairing made sense? Watching Val make phone calls is not entertaining, nor are the excessive shots of the birds and ducks in the park. Antoine reveals a secret Civil War passage in the park, that magically becomes part of John's plan later. And low and behold, John has unlimited quarters for the phone booth to make his dozens of annoying calls. Wilmer Valderama acts as some conduit person for John and the buyer, Marg Helgenberger from C.S.I. is his gullible ex-wife, and Ashley Johnson from Growing Pains is his hackneyed daughter. In one scene, the goons searching for the stolen case search the park for John. They know what he looks like, yet are fooled by his walking with Antoine. Much of what occurs in Columbus Day is perplexing, but the ending was tolerable. Antoine even mentions he is gay because his mother is a lesbian. Yes, that line is uttered, and I still don't know if it was meant for laughs. John even propositions the local pigeon man…you know because every park has a pigeon person. He gives him $1000 to hang out with Antoine, and the guy acts like this favor is requested daily. This was written and directed by Charles Burmeister, his debut, and if he wants to continue making movies, he needs stop writing. This story was pointless and dull.

Final Rating = 3.0/10.0

THE CHAOS EXPERIMENT







Starring: Val Kilmer, Armand Assante, and Eric Roberts
Directed By: Philippe Martinez
Written By: Robert Malkani
Release Date: August 4, 2009
Running Time: 90 minutes
Rated R

This next film is technically not listed as a DTV release, but it was only in theaters for 1 week, one 2 screens, in the city it takes place in. So sorry, but I still consider this a DTV release. The story follows a deranged man named James Pettis who approaches the Grand Rapids press publication. He demands they publish his predictions on global warming causing the demise of the planet. He says that 6 people are trapped in a steam room with 130 degree temperatures, and they will die unless his demands are met. This "experiment" will display the effects of global warming on humans. Mancini (Armand Assante), a local police detective attempts to obtain the whereabouts of the hostages, but begins to suspects the likelihood of the threat. Meanwhile, we witness 3 men and 3 women inside the steam room, struggling to break free and survive.

Val Kilmer looks horrible in this film. I suppose that is the point of the character, but comparing his work here from that of Top Gun will reveal alarming changes. Val Kilmer plays his best version of Jigsaw. After all, that is what The Chaos Experiment wants to be. It is a mishmash of Saw and Cube, but minus the intriguing set-up, cool kills, and oh yeah, anything horror related. It also seems this film beat 2012 to the whole Mayan calendar thing. The steam room is packed with the typical victims: The whore, the psycho guy, the likable guy, the peacemaker, the heroic female, and the worrisome girl. Sound familiar? One of the men is Patrick Muldoon, also known as Jeff from Saved by the Bell (the dude who broke up Kelly and Zack). He was also a soap opera actor. That means he will overact, which he successfully accomplishes. Eve Mauro is specifically made up to resemble Angelina Jolie and Meagan Fox, which is sad. Eric Roberts is involved as well, and all I thought about was how great he was in Entourage, and how out of place he was during this junk. The logic of the interrogation is absurd. By all accounts, Pettis is an idiot and a liar, but Armand Assante somehow believes he is telling the truth and keeps him around. Sure. This does contain some nudity and some gore, but the ending is a disappointment. The twist is predictable and stupid, the acting is universally exaggerated, and enduring the steam room camera work is exhausting to say the least. Director Philippe Martinez makes the atmosphere in that room uncomfortable and tiring. The script from Robert Malkani is saturated with holes and is more importantly, unoriginal. The Chaos Experiment uses global warming to ground its premise, but it isn't even preachy. It just exists, which makes the experience reminiscent of re-taking your SAT's.

Final Rating = 2.5/10.0

STREETS OF BLOOD







Starring: Val Kilmer, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, and Sharon Stone
Directed By: Charles Winkler
Written By: Eugene Hess
Release Date: July 28, 2009
Running Time: 95 minutes
Rated R

The third film stars, you guessed it, Val Kilmer, as a gritty New Orleans street cop after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the area. Now, the street gangs have a lot of power, and the police corruption is taking its toll on the area. Val is Andy Devereaux, a narcotics officer, and when his partner is killed, Stan Green (50 Cent) fills the void. Meanwhile the other two narcotics officers, Barney and Pepe, are busy breaking and bending the rules whenever they can. This corruption, and the murder of an undercover DEA agent, prompts the FBI to investigate the situation. They are led by Agent Brown (Michael Biehn). During all this nonsense, viewers are privy to ultra-riveting conversations with the police psychologist Nina (Sharon Stone), who questions why the narcotics officers are so quick to pull the trigger. The main problem with the story is that the Katrina footage is intercut with the regular plot, but ultimately Katrina has little do with what is transpiring. The coincidence is the location. Oh, they want you to believe that Katrina is what caused the corruption, and perhaps it did increase, but corruption exists everywhere, no matter how devastating the hurricane.

Kilmer utilizes a shaky Southern accent as Devereaux, and it is never consistent. During the action sequences, one can clearly hear him speaking in a regular tone. Aside from that, this is easily his best performance of the three. 50 Cent is not necessarily a bad actor. He weighs heavily on the melodrama as Stan, but is not convincing enough. Sharon Stone looks as if she fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. That is harsh I realize, and is not a mature statement for a critic, but she looks sleepy, worn out, and way past her prime. The aim for Streets of Blood is a mix of Training Day, Harsh Times, and Street Kings, all corruption based films, but the production values here are so weak and sloppily constructed. Each event seems like it goes down in the same 3 places. Michael Biehn is the FBI agent, and he is solid I suppose. The shootouts are those classic action scenes where the main characters can enter a room full of thugs and hit each one immediately while never getting grazed themselves. The corruption moments are embellished and overacted in the worst possible way, the gangs are the definition of stereotypes, and the concluding twists are ludicrous. Barry Shabaka Henley (The Terminal) is Cpt. John Friendly (great name), and he adds this priceless line: "I got the feds so tight on my ass, I feel like I'm wearing J. Edgar Hoover's G-string." Streets of Blood is a silly and overly dirty thriller, but the best of this pack, so take that as you will.

Final Rating = 4.5/10.0

The News Bulletin

Perry Can Do Good By Himself Too
BOX OFFICE TOP TEN
1. Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself - $24 million ($24 million)
2. 9 - $10.8 million ($15.2 million)
3. Inglourious Basterds - $6.5 million ($104.3 million)
4. All About Steve - $5.8 million ($21.8 million)
5. The Final Destination - $5.5 million ($58.2 million)
6. Sorority Row - $5.2 million ($5.2 million)
7. Whiteout - $5.1 million ($5.1 million)
8. District 9 - $3.6 million ($108.5 million)
9. Julia & Julia - $3.3 million ($85.3 million)
10. Gamer - $3.1 million ($16.1 million)

Well, I did predict the top 2 correctly, and I did assume that Whiteout and Sorority Row would have poor debuts, but I do not think I won our weekly podcast contest. Amazingly, people are still seeing All About Steve, and we can safely say those people's IQ's have lowered since then. Gamer took a huge dip in sales, while District 9, Julie & Julia, and The Final Destination refuse to go away. Next week is tough with three tough contenders on the way. Jennifer's Body, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and Love Happens are all being released. I think it will be fair debuts for all three actually, but it will come down to Cloudy… and Jennifer's Body, with the former edging out the latter I'd wager.






Meagan Fox Gets KO'd by the Transformers Crew
Three of Michael Bay's crew members asked his website last night to post their response to Megan Fox's recent insults of the director made to a magazine for her upcoming Jennifer's Body. (She accused Bay of wanting to "be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he's a nightmare to work for.") Now the crew get even and detail why she's the nightmare. I love when there's honesty in Hollywood:

This is an open letter to all Michael Bay fans. We are three crew members that have worked with Michael for the past ten years. Last week we read the terrible article with inflammatory, truly trashing quotes by the Ms. Fox about Michael Bay. This letter is to set a few things straight. Yes, Megan has great eyes, a tight stomach we spray with glycerin, and an awful silly Marilyn Monroe tattoo plastered on her arm that we cover up to keep the moms happy.

Michael found this shy, inexperienced girl, plucked her out of total obscurity thus giving her the biggest shot of any young actresses' life. He told everyone around to just trust him on his choice. He granted her the starring role in Transformers, a franchise that forever changed her life; she became one of the most googled and oogled women on earth. She was famous! She was the next Angelina Jolie, hooray! Wait a minute, two of us worked with Angelina – second thought – she's no Angelina. You see, Angelia is a professional. We know this quite intimately because we've had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies. We've spent a total of 12 months on set making these two movies.

We are in different departments; we can't give our names because sadly doing so in Hollywood could lead to being banished from future Paramount work. One of us touches Megan's panties, the other has the often shitty job of pulling Ms. Sourpants out of her trailer, while another is near the Panaflex camera that helps to memorialize the valley girl on film. Megan has the press fooled. When we read those magazines we wish we worked with that woman. Megan knows how to work her smile for the press. Those writers should try being on set for two movies, sadly she never smiles. The cast, crew and director make Transformers a really fun and energetic set. We've traveled around the world together, so we have never understood why Megan was always such the grump of the set?

When facing the press, Megan is the queen of talking trailer trash and posing like a porn star. And yes we've had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it's very cringe-able. So maybe, being a porn star in the future might be a good career option. But make-up beware, she has a paragraph tattooed to her backside (probably due her rotten childhood) -- easily another 45 minutes in the chair! So when the three of us caught wind of Ms Fox, pontificating yet again in some publication (like she actually has something interesting to say) blabbing her trash mouth about a director whom we three have grown to really like. She compared working with Michael, to "working with Hitler". We actually don't think she knows who Hitler is by the way. But we wondered how she doesn't realize what a disgusting, fully uneducated comment this was? Well, here let's get some facts straight.

Say what you want about Michael – yes at times he can be hard, but he's also fun, and he challenges everyone for a reason – he simply wants people to bring their ‘A' game. He comes very prepared, knows exactly what he wants, involves the crew and expects everyone to follow through with his or her best, and that includes the actors. He's one of the hardest working directors out there. He gets the best from his crews, many of whom have worked with him for 15 years. And yes, he's loyal, one of the few directors we've encountered who lowered his fee by millions to keep Transformers in the United States and California, so he could work with his own crew.

Megan says that Transformers was an unsafe set? Come on Megan, we know it is a bit more strenuous then the playground at the trailer park, but you don't insult one of the very best stunt and physical effects teams in the business! Not one person got hurt! And who is the real Megan Fox? She is very different than the academy nominee and winning actors we've all worked around. She's as about ungracious a person as you can ever fathom. She shows little interest in the crew members around her. We work to make her look good in every way, but she's absolutely never appreciative of anyone's hard work. Never a thank you. All the crewmembers have stopped saying hi to Ms. Princess because she never says hello back. It gets tiring. Many think she just really hates the process of being an actress.

Megan has been late to the sets many times. She goes through the motions t hat make her exude this sense of misery. We've heard the A.D's piped over the radio that Megan won't walk from her trailer until John Turturro walks first! John's done seventy-five movies and she's made two! Never expect Megan to attend any of the 15 or so crew parties like all the other actors have. And then there's the classless night she blew off The Royal Prince of Jordan who made a special dinner for all the actors. She doesn't know that one of the grips' daughters wanted to visit their daddy's work to meet Megan, but he wouldn't let them come because he told them "she is not nice."

The press certainly doesn't know her most famous line. On our first day in Egypt, the Egyptian government wouldn't let us shoot because of a permit problem as the actors got ready in make up at the Four Seasons Hotel. Michael tried to make the best of it; he wanted to take the cast and crew on a private tour of the famous Giza pyramids. God hold us witness, Megan said, "I can't believe Michael is fucking forcing us to go to the fucking pyramids!" I guess this is the "Hitler guy" she is referring to.

So this is the Megan Fox you don't get to see. Maybe she will learn, but we figure if she can sling insults, then she can take them too. Megan really is a thankless, classless, graceless, and shall we say unfriendly bitch. It's sad how fame can twist people, and even sadder that young girls look up to her. If only they knew who they're really looking up to. But ‘fame' is fleeting. We, being behind the scenes, seen em' come and go. Hopefully Michael will have Megatron squish her character in the first ten minutes of Transformers 3. We can tell you that will make the crew happy!
-Loyal Transformers Crew

I sincerely hope that the teenage boys who drool over Megan Fox somehow come across this letter. Even if they only glance at it, they will still think she's hot of course, but that tiny nugget of truth about her personality should subconsciously change their opinion from then on. The fact is, what Fox said about Michael Bay was a low blow, no matter what you think of Bay's efforts on the big screen. He made her career, and she trashes him. Talk about ungrateful. She will not last with the attitude she has, especially since her talents are limited. I mean Lohan is a superb actress when she wants to be, but her personality killed her career. The same will happen for Fox, just give it time. I think she's attractive, but she is also a Jolie wannabe, and comparing the two is like comparing an expensive steak to a TV dinner. This letter was quite humorous, and even though the crew members exaggerate at times, most of what they say does ring true just by following Fox's interviews, etc. And I read that Fox and Jolie are competing for a role. Any casting agent that takes Fox over Jolie needs help.







Disney/Pixar Updates!!
Disney's D23 fan convention kicked off on Thursday in Anaheim with all sorts of news and titbits flying out about both the Mouse House and Pixar's upcoming projects. Along with premieres of new trailers for upcoming Disney titles like "A Christmas Carol," "Prince of Persia" and "The Sorcerer's Apprentice ", there was some breaking news pieces. Here's a summary of what we've learned thus far:

Yellow Submarine
Following on news from a month ago, Robert Zemeckis is locked in to direct a 3D performance capture remake of The Beatles 1968 animated cult hit. Zemeckis will incorporate the 16 Beatles songs and recordings from the original motion picture, while the designs will stick quite close to the original.

John Carter of Mars
The first live-action feature (with "intense special effects") that Pixar is working has been set for a Summer 2012 release date. Despite their involvement, the film will go out through the Walt Disney Pictures label.

The Cheapest Muppet Movie Ever Made
Yep, that's the official title for the new Muppets movie that comedic actor/writer Jason Segel has been penning for some time now. No further dates for production or release have been announced. The title refers to an unproduced idea for a film Henson had in 1985 in which Gonzo becomes a film director and quickly blows out the film's budget.

Toy Story 3
Former James Bond star Timothy Dalton will voice a spiky character named Mr Pricklepants. Also the storyline sees Andy's toys being given to a daycare centre where they are horribly abused by the little kids. They team-up to break out and find a new owner who'll treat them right.

Cars 2
John Lasseter told Empire a breakdown of the plot: Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson), his pit team and new pit boss Mater head around the world for the Race of Champions, to take place in five different countries and involve the champions of different disciplines like Formula One and rally driving. Settings will include Tokyo and Mount Fuji in Japan, Germany's Black Forest, Italy, Paris and London. A major subplot has Mater saving the life of British secret agent Finn McMissile (an Aston Martin) and being mistaken for him Hitchcock-style (ala "North by Northwest").

Winnie the Pooh
The writers are combining the plotlines of five of A.A. Milne's original stories that had never been filmed to create a feature-length story. A Spring 2011 release is planned.

The Bear and the Bow
Story details wise this is the first real female-lead Pixar film that focuses on Merida (Reese Witherspoon), a princess in 10th century Scotland. Something of a wild girl who's alienated from her family, the main thrust of the plot deals with her mending her relationship with her mother than finding love. Billy Connolly and Emma Thompson play her parents while Julie Walters is the witch villain.
-From Dark Horizons

This Disney line-up sounds exciting doesn't it? I'm sorry, but Toy Story 3 has a genius plot. I cannot wait. Cars 2 should be a lot of fun too, but my top priority is John Carter of Mars, the first Pixar live-action feature. The source material has undergone developmental trouble for decades, and it appears the time is finally right to show the world. I remember now about Jason Segel's Muppet movie. That should be a fun time too, especially with his sense of humor, and the Dracula musical from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which I'm sure Segel had something to do with creatively. The Bear and the Bow is one of the rare Pixar concepts that strikes me as a risk. It sounds like a story Walt Disney would have passed on back in his day. I have no comment on Pooh. Sorry. Disney should be providing plenty of entertainment for the next few years after seeing this slate.






Ethan and Joel Get True and Gritty
Jeff Bridges is in discussions to star in the Coen Bros. remake of John Wayne 1969 western classic "True Grit" for Paramount Pictures reports Variety. The story centers on a 14-year-old girl who tags along with an aging U.S. marshal, Rooster Cogburn, and another lawman to track the outlaw who killed her father. The remake will be more faithful to the Charles Portis novel on which the original film was based and shifts the audience perspective to the viewpoint of the girl. Scott Rudin ("No Country for Old Men") will produce. Bridges last worked with the Coens on the 1998 cult favourite "The Big Lebowski".
-From Dark Horizons

I am an avid fan of the Coens, but I do not agree with this decision. This announcement was made many months ago, and I didn't care for it then either. I understand they are staying closer to the novel, and changing the point of view, but this is a remake of a John Wayne film. Messing with the Duke's canon is sacrilege in the eyes of some. Plus, that was the role he won an Oscar for. If those reasons seem petty, know that the Coens last remake, The Ladykillers, represented one of their worst films to date. I thought it was adequate, but nowhere near on par with their other work. Nevertheless, if anyone is going to remake True Grit, I'm glad it is the Coens instead of someone less qualified. That, and the one positive note is Jeff Bridges teaming with the brothers once more. I hope I'm wrong about this because the Coens do not usually disappoint but this is an uphill battle.






A Hancock Reunion
Will Smith and Charlize Theron are set to return for the "Hancock" sequel according to director Peter Berg in an interview with MTV News. Speaking earlier this week, Berg was asked about the two stars participation to which he replied "everybody's going to come back for a sequel." Word began a few weeks ago that serious movement had begun on a follow-up to last year's critically maligned superhero action/comedy that managed $628 million in ticket sales. Berg was set to direct and scribes Adam Fierro ("24," "Dexter") and Glen Mazzara ("The Shield") were penning a script that Smith was in consultation for. Story wise, Berg also revealed this week that the film will see a third immortal god enter the storyline and he already has "someone in mind" but "I'm not gonna tell you who, but we have." No official deals have yet been signed despite the apparent commitments, and no production or release date has yet been set.

This could turn out to be one of those sequels that makes the first film look better. Personally, I did not like Hancock. The segments we saw in the trailer were funny, but the twist during the second half involving Smith and Theron was ridiculous, and opened a can of worms where so many questions were left unanswered. Bryan Singer missed his chance to recover lost ground after Superman Returns. Peter Berg looks to be getting that chance. He needs to expand upon this universe, and he needs to do it in an intelligent fashion. If this sequel simply makes an excuse for Hancock to be a homeless gag of comic relief again, it will be terrible, and obvious attempt for a box office score. Now that the entire cast has returned, I just hope the result is worth our time.

The 20 Second Sermon

The fourth "Pirates" film will be called Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and is officially set for a summer 2011 release. As long as Johnny Depp is Jack Sparrow, I'll see the movie. Matt Damon says a meeting between himself and Paul Greengrass about the next Bourne film will take place in a few weeks because the director is on vacation after years of grueling work. He just finished Green Zone. If they take their time and think about it, I am all for a good sequel. Walt Disney and Guillermo Del Toro are collaborating to launch a new production label called "Double Dare You", which will make animated films full of chills and thrills for all ages. All will be produced by Del Toro. This is a good idea, and since many of the stories originate from his head, it should supply some excellent entertainment.

The DVD Release Rundown for September 15th

DVD Headline of the Week



The Wolfman (Universal Legacy Series) - As a classic Universal horror film, this first film is terrific. The rest of the franchise was terrible though. This is all you'll need, and I'm sure it has some superb extras. Buyable

An American Werewolf in London (Special Edition) - This is a film more known for the make-up than anything else, and even though werewolf films are not my favorites, John Landis did ok here. Buy it Used

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Director Gavin Hood bombs with this poor prequel that has many unnecessary characters, poor special effects, and weak continuity. The acting is mediocre from everyone but Jackman, and no matter how you slice it, this is a bad film. Forgettable

Wagon Master - Some have called this the best film John Ford ever made, and it is largely unknown. It was one of the director's personal favorites, and it stars Ben Johnson. I really need to get that big box set of his.

Easy Virtue - An adaptation of the Noel Coward play, Jessica Biel stars as an American who marries a Brit, while his family doesn't like her. Count me out.

Phantasm II - It was previously a Nether Regions installment. Are the fans eagerly awaiting this release? My guess is no. They probably have a copy by now. Forgettable

WWE: The Best of Smackdown - 10th Anniversary 1999-2009 - I will be passing on this one. I'm sure it contains some forgotten gems, but I am pretty much set in the WWE DVD department.

Fame - This is the 1980 film, which I have not seen. It is quite possible that I will not see this or the remake. I will not dismiss this completely, but I cannot envision myself watching either.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (Deluxe Edition) - I had started to grow weary of the franchise by this juncture. I didn't care for this one as I am much more of a fan of the first half of the series. Forgettable

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (Deluxe Edition) - This is easily one of the worst efforts from this franchise. Can't say I'll be rushing to Best Buy or Target to get this. Trashable

Nightwatching (2-Disc Special Edition) - From Director Peter Greenway comes a better edition of this 2007 film about a murder conspiracy. I haven't heard much about this, but Greenway has made some quality films, so I'd rent this.

Army of Darkness (Screwhead Edition) - How many dips has this film had now? I have honestly lost count. I would wager most of us who want to own some sort of copy by now.

Trumbo - This is a film about blacklisted screenwriter Dalton Trumbo. It is based on a play by his son Christopher, and stars Joan Allen, Michael Douglas, and Paul Giamatti, among others.

Deadgirl (Unrated Director's Cut) - A coming-of-age horror film about an undead body found by 2 kids in an abandoned hospital. Yay. Aint it Cool News calls it "brilliant."

The Critic's Quickee

All About Steve - After I saw this film with two other women and theater full of people that were laughing, I became so depressed, I thought about resigning as editor of the 411 movie zone and never watching another film again because I thought they'd betrayed me. Sandra Bullock's character in this film is so incredibly irritating and unfunny that the viewer will find it impossible to endure this film within minutes of it starting. I truly don't know how to express the level of awfulness the filmmakers reach in this atrocity. We have had our Transformers 2's and our G.I. Joe's, but this is worse. First of all, Bullock's narration tries to compare profound life situations to crossword puzzles. That's what she does for a living. Her name is Mary Magdalene Horowitz, half Catholic, half Jewish. She gets set up on a blind date with Bradley Cooper's character of Steve, and immediately becomes obsessed. He is a camera man for a news station, and is on the road constantly. He mistakenly says "He wishes she could be on the road with him", so she follows after she gets fired for writing a crossword puzzle that is...wait for it...all about Steve. So Steve is the camera man for Thomas Haden Church's pompous Hartman Hughes, and Ken Jeong (in every comedy lately) is their assistant or something. The huge news stories they cover, and that apparently the world covers, are mind numbing: an employee for a wild west show holding others hostage, a battle to decide whether or not to cut off the third leg of a baby, and a group of kids that fall down an abandoned mine shaft. There is actually a scene where you see the deaf kids running to an amusement park, and then they fall. If that wasn't enough, Bullock is joined by DJ Qualls and Katy Mixon (another annoying woman) on her journey to follow Steve. DJ Qualls sculpts apples for a living by the way. They hint towards a romance with his character, but then you have the other chick, and it kind of hints towards a threesome romance which is disturbing and bizarre. Admittedly, at times this film aims to accentuate the farcical tendencies and embrace the over the top. What makes it horrendous is that during other scenes, it wants to be moving like a straightforward story. This clash makes the movie unbearable. Keith David is the boss of Steve and Hartman Hughes, and I enjoyed watching him, but I think it was mainly just to see him on screen hoping one day he'll do a good flick again. Geraldo Rivera has a cameo, and no I'm not kidding. The film was written by Kim Barker, who wasted our lives with License to Wed. It was directed by Phil Traill, who up until this point has only done TV, and was produced by Bullock. What was she thinking? This woman knows solid material. She has done Speed, Infamous, and Crash. This makes her look horrible. You will literally sit with your mouth open in revolted astonishment at how creepy and idiotic this story is. Howard Hesseman is having a really bad couple of weeks after Halloween II and this. I have seen a lot of bad movies this year, but this tops them all, and that was certainly confirmed when near the conclusion, the kid from College showed up, and that was my #1 worst from last year. Final Rating = .5/10.0

Gamer - With a title like this, I should have expected it to bomb at the box office, but oh well. This was an interesting moviegoing experience. I saw an afternoon showing, and even then, only 2 other people were in the theater. Before the final credits rolled, I was the only one left. The younger gentleman got up, waved his hands in the air and apparently had enough. The other man got up for what I thought was a bathroom break, but the walk back must have been too far. I don't know how many times I've seen this same basic premise now. We had The Condemned, which was preachy. We had the Death Race remake, which besides being a terrible remake was filmed in the most gloomy way possible. And now we have this, and as you can tell, not one has really nailed this concept. Unfortunately, Gamer is no better. Ideas like this would never happen in our world, but Gamer is the first one to actually offer an explanation of how it came to pass, and I liked that. The creator, Ken Castle, first made a Sims like game with real people called "Society", and then "Slayers", which has the film centering on with Kable. Now, Gerard Butler plays Kable, and is standard in his performance all around. His wife is Amber Valetta, and she works in the "Society" game, Kable is in "Slayers", and Castle adopted their daughter. Seriously, this guy has it out for this family. Now both the "Society" game and the "Slayers" game take place outside, and huge buildings act as the stage. Is the future so miserable that cities are abandoned because my question is...where do these games take place? Perhaps the residents wonder why death row convicts are chasing and shooting each other. It's like the Power Rangers when the machines would come out and it appeared that a new city was destroyed every episode. That was the feeling I got here because I guess that Castle had areas at his disposal. If I were living there, my reaction might be "Look out ma the Slayers game is back. Barricade the door because King Leonidas and Dexter are coming!"

Michael C. Hall is having a blast here with his over the top antics. Kyra Sedewick is in this for some odd reason I'll never understand. Alison Lohman is also present. She was just the star of Drag Me to Hell, and now she does this. Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor wrote and directed this, and like both Crank's they are like kids with ADD. The problem is, like Death Race, all the action is filmed with such a drab and dismal appearance, which makes it harder to like. I admired the sheer audacity of this film. For instance the person who controls Kable's wife in the "Society" game is this immensely fat person who reminds me of the victim in Se7en. You also have Michael C. Hall controlling soldiers to a rendition of "Under My Skin" during a fight sequence. These types of sequences I enjoyed because Neveldine and Taylor always embrace the silliness of action. Gamer made me think of movies like Next and Running Scared. They might be ridiculous, but you can't help but be entertained. There's also a bit of Hackers included. That being said, I did not love this enough to recommend it. Final Rating = 6.0/10.0

Extract - This was a disappointing exercise for Mike Judge. Yes, as the ads say, he returns to work, but at the end, it felt like a poor imitation of Office Space. Not only that, but this film is very unfocused and not nearly as funny as it should be. Jason Bateman is fine at playing the everyman, but here he comes across like a mixture between Michael Bluthe and Peter Gibbons. Ben Affleck is the funniest part of the film. He reminded me of his Kevin Smith days actually. He is also the only person who is not colossally stupid. Almost every character is oblivious at one point or another, and I realize Judge is the master of stupid characters, but this lot is dumb on a level that is hard to fathom. Take Mila Kunis, who is this drifter that wants cash wherever she can get it. She tries this scam on an injured employee, yet still steals purses on the side. Not very smart. She also apparently has a boyfriend, which when it is revealed makes little sense. David Koechner, whom I normally enjoy, is incredibly irritating. That is the point of his character, but that was the case with Lumberg too, and he was hilarious. The things Judge does with Koechner's character in the end leaves the entire film on a sour note. JK Simmons was pretty funny, but Gene Simmons, who really should stick to music, was too over the top. You see that a lot in Extract. Judge can never balance the cartoonish and the straightforward. And I'll give you 1 guess where Mike Judge's cameo is. He plays the guy who sounds like Hank Hill. Haha. I think the film had some humorous comments about married relationships and how employees and managers interact, but it never explores that. Instead it has two separate and lame story threads, and one actually involves a gigolo. Judge's efforts tend to get better with age, but I do not see that occurring here because it's too similar to Office Space, but nowhere near as funny or cohesive. Final Rating = 5.5/10.0

What Have I Done?

Monday - I went to a minor league baseball game today. I haven't been to see a baseball game at all since I was like 10. Baseball isn't my thing, but the tickets were free, and the food is usually tasty. I figured since it was Labor Day, there is noting like a nice game of baseball. That was the idea, except Jim Breuer threw out the first pitch, and listening to him on the intercom periodically should have been my cue to leave, but we had to stay for fireworks. All in all, it was actually fun, although Breuer was only signing autographs for like 5 minutes. His line must have been slim.



Tuesday - I finally watch Martin Scorsese's 1983 film, The King of Comedy. It stars Robert De Niro and Jerry Lewis. I loved it honestly. I could have done without Sandra Bernhardt. Word is Meryl Streep turned down that role! While there is some dark humor, this is not meant to be a funny film. Many have criticized it for being too unnerving and unsettling, but that is the point. I also am partial to the mixture of fantasy and reality, which is done fabulously here, as Scorsese is influenced by Director Michael Powell. De Niro and Lewis are superb, and the ending is outstanding.







Wednesday - I listened to the new Black Crowes album Before the Frost... on this day, and like most of their work, this is a solid and soulful rock disc. It is reminiscent of previous efforts as it includes songs with energy and some softer sounds. The opener, "Good Morning Captain" was terrific. They also succesfully combine the crowds from a live album with a studio sound as many tracks end with applause. I'm glad these guys are back working hard, and Look forward to much more from them.






Thursday - The fiancée bought Beatles Rock Band today. I'm not a big gamer, and even less a fan of Guitar Hero and Rock Band. My reasoning is too long for this paragraph, but I caved on the Beatles edition because those songs are ageless, and won't become as annoying when overplayed. I tried the game out, and truth be told it is fun as you get to follow the band as they ascend to greatness though the levels. I won't be playing non-stop, but I would recommend this over the other versions.





The Weekend - I went to see The Toxic Avenger musical Off-Broadway, and I was really surprised at how awesome a time I had. To be honest, the show was way better than the film could ever hope to be. The songs are hilarious, and the small cast makes the experience a blast from start to finish. My showing featured Diana Degarmo, American Idol alumnus, who was super hot as the blind girl. I'm not sure how much longer the show will be playing, but if you have the opportunity to catch it, do so. For $20, it is well worth the money, especially since it bashes New Jersey hardcore.

Based on the Trailer…

Newest Trailers

Antichrist (2) - My tickets are pre-ordered for an early screening. This trailer has me more pumped for the film, and with Jars Von Trier, you never know what to expect. The quotes from the critics heighten the disturbing factors. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

The White Ribbon - This is one of my most anticipated fall releases. Haneke's films are all memorable film experiences, and this should continue that trend. It is also in black & white, which I dig. I have tickets for this already as well. It should be terrific. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

My Son My Son, What Have Ye Done - David Lynch presents a Werner Herzog film. The two of them together is a film biffs fantasy for sure. And the cast includes Michael Shannon and Willem Dafoe. Dafoe has a big fall season. The plot looks average by the trailer, but because of who is directing, I will definitely be seeing it. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

Me and Orson Welles - Roger Ebert has a notable quote in this teaser, but the trailer still leaves much of the premise a mystery, and with Efron as the lead, that can be a problem. The story concerns theater. Still, Richard Linklater is directing, and I love Claire Danes, so I am intrigued enough to see this. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

The Fourth Kind - Now, this is a creepy trailer, especially for those who remember that alien abduction segment from Unsolved Mysteries. This is similar, and the mixing of archive footage and fiction is genius. I will be watching this one for sure. Trailer Rating = 8.5/10.0

Ong Bak 2 - This trailer begins with the "Magnet" logo, letting all viewers recall that it is the same company who messed up the Let the Right One In subtitles. Anyway, Tony Jaa stars in this prequel, but I need to see the first one yet, so until I do, I'll tell you my interest for this is about average. I hated Jaa's The Protector. Looks like this involves elephants too. Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

Good Hair - Chris Rock stars in this documentary about wigs and the black women who have extensions and weaves. If I had read about this on paper, I would have not cared at all, but this does look funny, and I was a witness to an extension being ripped out, and it was not a pretty sight. Anyway, this should be funny. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

September Releases

Surrogates - Here is another film that has the potential to be very good, or very bad. The director is Jonathan Mostow (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines), so I hope this is solid. Bruce Willis looks bizarre, but maybe that's a positive, and the plot has echoes of other sci-fi flicks, but you never know, this might surprise us. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

Jennifer's Body - This looks highly entertaining, and with Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried acting in a Diablo Cody horror script, it should be awesome. It should have loads of that lingo all the men love from Juno. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Bright Star - This is a British period piece, so you know what to expect, but it stars Ben Wishaw, a brilliant actor, and the story seems fascinating, so I'll see it. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

The Boys are Back - Clive Owen stars in this family drama that looks to be accentuating a different side of his acting. The plot seems ordinary. I hope Clive gets an Oscar nom and win one of these days. This might be it. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

The Invention of Lying - This is going to be hilarious from start to finish. I'm a huge Ricky Gervais fan, and I can't wait to see this. The cast is terrific, and the premise is creative. Trailer Rating = 10.0/10.0

Astro Boy - A lot of bright colors, fancy CGI, an all-star cast, and not much else. I realize fans of the many TV series' will be excited, but this character just translates as ordinary to the big screen. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

The Burning Plain - From Guillermo Arriaga, the screenwriter of Babel is his feature debut as a director. This stars Charlize Theron and Kim Basinger. It looks kind of mediocre with a possible stand out performance or two, but Arriaga has talent, so I'll see this. Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

The Other Man - A story about an affair with Liam Neeson, Laura Linney, and Antonio Banderas. Richard Eyre directs this average looking film with some nice Banderas overacting. This is a big year for Neeson. Trailer Rating = 7.0/10.0

Fame - This looks…..just like every other dance flick we've seen in the past decade, only this is a musical. Yay. The Wayans are parodying movies likes this for goodness sakes! This is a skip it, and I'm not talking about the girl toy from the 90's. Trailer Rating = 2.5/10.0

October Releases

Zombieland - This looks hysterical, and very much in the vein of Shaun of the Dead, but that's ok because Woody Harrelson rocks, and if he's killing zombies, I'm paying for a ticket. Nuff said. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

Cirque de Freak: A Vampire's Assistant - I suppose a quirky horror comedy like this looks hilarious and fascinating to some, but it looks incredibly lame and dull to me. Aside from the effects, I have little interest in this, and John C. Reilly can do better. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

New York, I Love You - The first film, Paris, Je T'aime was one of the best films in recent memory that few knew about. So I am very excited about this second installment. The cast and directors look amazing. It should be a terrific experience. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Capitalism: A Love Story - This was a very funny teaser. It is typical Moore comedy, but I appreciated the way it was set up. No one gets the world interested in documentaries (or whatever you call Moore's stuff) like he does. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

Capitalism: A Love Story (2) - This looks like typical Moore shtick with humorous stunts intermingled with important points. I do not see him evolving as a documentarian, and although he informs the people on relevant issues, he should change his style every now and then. Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

Where the Wild Things Are - I know this production had loads of trouble, but this looks outstanding by the trailer. I can't wait to see it. The creatures look good and Spike Jonze usually doesn't disappoint. Trailer Rating = 8.5/10.0

The Damned United - Peter Morgan is a terrific screenwriter, and when he and Michael Sheen come together it usually means positive things. This is a soccer story with a superb cast, so I will certainly check it out even if I'm not a huge soccer fan. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

Law Abiding Citizens - I'm not sure I buy the twist in the trailer with Butler being this top agent/spy. Jaime Foxx looks to be phoning it in also. I do agree with another 411 colleague that it looks like Cape Fear in a way. I'm sure I'll see it, but I am not enthused. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

Whip It! - The directorial debut of Drew Barrymore looks like loads of fun actually, and it has my main gal Ellen Page in it, so I'm definitely seeing it. And my God, Daniel Stern is in this! It's about damn time he did something new. The plot looks good, and they use a Weezer song, so it gets my approval. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

The Box - Ok, my feelings on Richard Kelly and Donnie Darko are well known now, but tell me with a straight face this trailer does not make you laugh a little. They actually use the line "Is someone pushing you buttons?" in reference to the box. This does seem somewhat intriguing, but I would put money on it being horrendous. Trailer Rating = 5.5/10.0

I Hope They Served Beer in Hell - This film looks like the epitome of dumb, and I will also mention the bad timing. A bachelor party film after The Hangover with worse actors. Umm, most of us will never notice this come and go. Trailer Rating = 3.0/10.0

The Stepfather - I must admit, this does not look as bad as I thought, but it still looks to have some issues. This film keeps the real father and adds a couple kids. I'll certainly see this, but am not sure how good it will be yet. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

More than a Game - If this focuses on the entire high school team, and not just LeBron James, it could be a very decent documentary. The trailer certainly spreads the wealth, so that's good. Trailer Rating = 7.0/10.0

An Education - This British drama could go either way. It stars Peter Sarsgaard, and I like to see him getting juicer roles. The rest of the cast seems strong too, including Emma Thompson and Alfred Molina. Depending on how easy this is to see in theaters, I'd give it a shot. Trailer Rating = 7.0/10.0

A Serious Man - The new film by the Coen brothers looks...well...weird, but then again, most of their films do. I like how they are not using many of their regular actors here. It doesn't matter what the plot is, I'm seeing this definitely. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

Amelia - I am anxious to see this since I've researched the history a little bit. The cast looks tremendous, so it should be terrific. The various words at the end of the trailer were lame, but otherwise this has me excited. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

The Road - This is based on a Cormac McCarthy novel, the same person who wrote the book to No Country for Old Me. I had no idea this was about the end of civilization. I am disappointed somewhat, but it could be good since Viggo and Charlize are the leads. These types of storylines always have the potential to be terrible though. The release date for this has already been pushed a number of times. I hope the final cut is better than this trailer. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

Couples Retreat - This looks to be very funny, and hopefully the comedy is leveled out and not left up to Vaughn's typical shtick. Of course this trailer shows mostly him. Still, for people around the ages of the characters, this will be a definite date night. Trailer Rating = 7.0/10.0

Saw VI - The poster ad was very cool, but this teaser is not. Actually, it is very disappointing and uncreative unlike the rest of the marketing campaign. I am still of fan of the series, so I hope this sequel delivers. Trailer Rating = 5.5/10.0

November Releases

Precious - This is about how life can be very hard sometimes. The cast includes Mariah Carey and Mo'Nique, both of whom look to be outstanding, and I can't believe I just wrote that, but it's true. See for yourself. This looks to be a winner. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

The Fantastic Mr. Fox - This film looks like a blast, and the animation looks outstanding. Wes Anderson uses many of his regulars here, which is fine, but George Clooney does not have a good voice for animation. Everytime I hear him I picture his face. Oh well, I'll definitely see this. Trailer Rating = 8.5/10.0

The Boat that Rocked - I love music, so this is right up my alley. It's about a radio station on a boat, one that helped give rock music to the world. It stars Philip Seymour Hoffman and Nick Frost. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

Ninja Assassin - This looks certifiably awesome. The kid at the beginning of this trailer should beat up the kid from The Last Airbender. I am for action films, but when you include throwing stars and chains, I am amped. I can't wait to see this. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

Planet 51 - This could be a fairly amusing CGI film. The animation looks nice, but this has few voices, and no real clue as to how funny it will be. I am still unsure, but it might be good, and it might not. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

Old Dogs - John Travolta and Robin Williams lead an all-star cast in a comedy from the director of Wild Hogs. This will make a lot of money. I think it looks dumb and over the top, but it might be worth a laugh or two. Trailer Rating = 4.0/10.0

The Twilight Saga: New Moon - Boy does this look retarded. The sequels will no doubt increase the hatred for this series. The were-wolf morphing is truly retarded. I say pass. Trailer Rating = 4.0/10.0

Once again my article is so packed with news that I must cut it short.

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"The plural of Chad is Chad?"
--From the movie Recount