The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 09.14.09: Issue #76
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 09.14.2009
Once again, this column devotes its space to a major movie already in theatres. It's a B-movie, sure, but it's an expensive B-movie. That B-movie? "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never been given a government grant to develop a new kind of licorice, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number seventy-six, I was going to take a look at two movies, but because of technical difficulties and a sudden lack of time I was unable to see the one movie that I wanted to review. That movie? Jean Claude Van Damme's 2004 effort "Wake of Death." So what happened? In short, the goddamn DVD crapped out. This isn't the first time I've had a DVD go completely insane and stop working and I know it won't be the last, but, and I've said this several times before, I never had this problem with VHS.
So what the heck am I going to review this issue? The movie I had planned on reviewing last issue as a second movie, the mega big budget B-movie based on a famous series of action figures, "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra." This is the second time a movie currently in theatres has appeared in this column (the last one was back in issue number 66 when I reviewed the latest "Terminator" movie), and it may not be the last. This column will always focus on the direct-to-video movies out there, but, with more and more B-movie like "A-movies" getting big ass releases, it'll be a nice change of pace to review movies that you can go to an actual theatre and see.
So now, on with the "G.I. Joe" review.
"G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"
"G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra," directed by the great Stephen Sommers (the first two "Mummy" flicks, not to mention "Deep Rising"), is sort of like a reverse origin story in that instead of explaining the origin of the heroes, the G.I. Joe organization, it explains how the nefarious Cobra terrorist organization came to be. I'm usually annoyed by origin stories because they're very rarely ever all that interesting. Origins should be dealt with in quick flashbacks lasting no more than ten to twenty minutes. Anything beyond that is a waste of time.
I'm not going to get into the plot of the movie because there really isn't one. Well, maybe that's a bit too harsh. There is a plot, but it's incredibly complicated, at least when you try to write about it. Screw it, I'll get into it anyway. As far as I can tell, this is the plot: new G.I. Joe members Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans), along with old Joe members Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), Breaker (Said Taghmaoui), and Snake Eyes (Ray Park), are in hot pursuit of the Baroness (Sienna Miller), a hot babe terrorist hell bent on obtaining the the super secret mega weapon created by McCullen (Christopher Eccleston), the head of weapons manufacturer M.A.R.S. The weapon, a special warhead filled with nanotechnology (little machines) that can devour everything in sight, is experimental and can only be stopped with a special radio signal that will fry the insides of the little machines. If this Baroness obtains the weapon, there's no telling what she'll do. Little do the Joes know that the Baroness is actually in cahoots with McCullen, who has plans for world domination.
Now, to make the plot even more complicated, Duke has a history with the Baroness (she used to be his fiancé), and while Duke is looking for the warheads he's also trying to find out what the heck happened to his former flame. Why is she a bad guy now? What's with the long black hair, the pulse guns, and the cold, black heart? And who the hell is that ninja dressed all in white? Fellow Joe Snake Eyes knows the answer to that (it's Storm Shadow, as played by Byung-hun Lee). There's also that mysterious Doctor working with McCullen, the disfigured guy with the clipboard (that's the Doctor, as played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt). What the heck is his deal? Why all of the human experimentation, not to mention the heavily armed super soldiers? Just where the heck is all of this leading to?
Wow. I'm actually kind of surprised that I remembered all of that. And now that I'm thinking about it I'm surprised that I was able to follow all of that while watching the movie. I guess that's a credit to Sommers, who managed to keep all of that stuff contained in a movie that's just a sliver under two hours and is chock full of non-stop action. People usually snicker when Sommers' name is brought up, most likely due to the overblown "Van Helsing" and the goofiness of "The Mummy" franchise. He's never done a "serious" movie in his life. I'll agree that "Van Helsing" is terrible (it's got like five movies worth of plot, none of it interesting), but he struck a fine balance between general goofiness and solid action-adventure hooey in "The Mummy" movies that hasn't been matched on a consistent basis by anyone else yet. When he decides to direct something he deserves a chance to wow the audience once again. With "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra," he largely succeeds. He wows us.
The big action scenes are a sight to behold. The opening night time ambush in Eastern Europe is well staged and exciting, especially when Miller's Baroness starts blowing stuff up with her pulse pistols. The big chase scene in Paris featuring the accelerator suits is just awesome in how builds from a potentially small fight between the Joes and the Baroness into a massive brawl filled with exploding cars and trucks, Snake Eyes on the top of an SUV trying not to get shot or stabbed, and Duke and Ripcord giving chase in the accelerator suits (not to mention the whole dirt bike thing with Scarlett). And the underwater base siege intercut with the knock down, drag out martial arts sword brawl between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow that ends the movie is about as good as you can get when it comes to underwater sieges. I mean, usually, you can barely tell what the hell is going on in underwater sieges (damn murky, foggy water). In this flick you can see damn near everything.
The only action sequence I didn't care for is the one where Baroness and her super soldiers infiltrate the Joe's secret base in Egypt. It isn't that it's sloppy and confusing (it is the least clean action sequence in the movie but you can still tell what the heck is going on), it's just I don't buy how easy it is for the Baroness to get into the base. Why wouldn't the Joes have better security with a series of fail safe backups? You'd think they'd have that and that it would basically be impossible for anyone to get in there. It's a minor quibble, but one that should be addressed.
The cast is fantastic. Channing Tatum is perfect as Duke. He has the square jaw and the kind of action man charisma to pull off the character in a believable fashion and make him, for the lack of a better word, real. I usually can't stand Tatum as I think he's an overrated actor. I wouldn't object, though, if he made more movies like this. He's good at playing the uncomplicated action hero. Marlon Wayans is pretty decent as Ripcord. There are times when it seems as though he dips into "buddy cop black partner of the white guy" territory trying to be funny, but for the most part he comes off as a capable ass kicker (I also like how the flick makes him want to be an Air Force pilot. It's a great way to let us know that he'll eventually fly something in the movie). Ray Park is outstanding as Snake Eyes, the silent, ass kicking ninja. As we all saw back in "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace," Park knows how to make a silent character a bad ass. Rachel Nichols, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, and Said Taghmaoui all do fine work as their characters Scarlett, Heavy Duty, and Breaker.
And then there's Dennis Quaid as General Hawk. Quaid just oozes cool as the leader of the Joes, but it's a shame he doesn't get to do much besides stand around and look at computer screens and give orders. Why doesn't he get to engage in some freaking action? Maybe they're saving that for the sequel. If so, I can't wait to see Quaid as Hawk driving a tank and blowing something up or breaking a guy's neck.
On the bad guy side, Sienna Miller is pretty dang hot as the Baroness. She gives the leather clad killer an arrogance that makes you both despise her and kind of like her in a cool movie bad guy kind of way. Christopher Eccleston plays weapons manufacturer McCullen with a cool understatement that makes you wonder if he really is the brains behind the operation. He's incredibly evil, yes, but you get the impression that he'd rather be doing something else while all of this weapons building and secret underwater base hooey gets done by someone else. That's an interesting way to play an egomaniacal madman. And Byung-hun Lee is just amazing as Storm Shadow. He makes the evil ninja, well, evil, and a big ass prick to boot. That's exactly how I've seen Storm Shadow all of these years.
And then there's Arnold Vosloo as Zartan. It's cool to see Imhotep/the direct-to-video Darkman as the shifty master of disguise, but, like Quaid as General Hawk, I sure would have liked to see more of Vosloo. He's just a great bad guy. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a pretty decent mad Doctor.
I also want to say that if and when there is a sequel I want to see more of both Brendan Fraser's character (listed on imdb.com as Sgt Stone, but I thought he was playing Flint) and Jonathan "Jumping Jack Flash" Pryce as the President of the United States. That's just brilliant, fun casting there, especially listening to Pryce try to do an American accent.
Now, did the movie ever explain why the world needed the international commando force G.I. Joe in the first place? I don't remember anyone saying why. And the "international commando" aspect of the movie, which is a change from the cartoon, is something the right wing yahoos should just stop complaining about. It's just a ridiculous thing to complain about.
I enjoyed "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra." It's a fun movie, nothing more, nothing less. I just hope that there's a little more plot in the sequel. Oh, and less overall complication. Whatever Cobra wants to do in the future, it should be simple and easy to understand. Taking over the world in the movies shouldn't be hard.
If it's still playing by you and you haven't already seen it, see "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra." Again, it's a fun movie.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous opening flashback to France and some Scottish guy getting a metal mask fused to his face, gratuitous NATO headquarters, gratuitous Dennis Quaid, gratuitous Channing Tatum, gratuitous Marlon Wayans, gratuitous invisible attack ship, gratuitous Sienna Miller, pulse weapons, gratuitous Ray Park as Snake Eyes, heat seeking arrow to the eye, a hologram knife, gratuitous "kung fu grip" hooey, gratuitous secret underground base in Egyptian desert, camouflage suit, "knowing is half the battle," fondling a hologram, gratuitous Arnold Vosloo, a super soldier demonstration, gratuitous flashback, gratuitous accelerator suits, gratuitous Brendan Fraser, working out, flirting, sword through the chest, double gun flaming bodies, forklift attack, gun slicing, exploding head, gratuitous Jonathan Pryce as the President of the United States, gratuitous flashback to when Snake Eyes was a kid, bread to the eye, stove attack, gratuitous massive underwater base, scary surgery, gratuitous flashback to U.S. Army operation in East Africa, throwing star hooey, a massive chase on the streets of Paris involving car accidents, explosions, and guys in cybernetic suits running really, really, really fast, one vicious train hit with flipping car, gratuitous destruction of the Eifel Tower, brain reading, gratuitous pissed off French police, polar bear hooey, gratuitous Kevin J. O'Connor, a change of heart, and a fabulous final underwater battle intercut with a great martial arts sword fight, and a funny ending that sets up the sequel.
Best lines: "Put that asshole on the ground!," "Come on, we gotta get in on this fight!," "Hello, Duke," "You'll have to admit that you had that coming," "Don't make me shoot a woman," "Easy, Ripcord," "I thought you Special Ops guys were tough," "Welcome to the Pit, Duke," "If I were actually there I might let you actually touch me," "You don't ask to be a part of G.I. Joe, you get asked," "I never tire of a good fight," "If I was spying on you you'd never know," "Just so you know, some targets are harder to hit than others," "I have never seen Snake Eyes take a hit," "Hello, brother," "Fear is a great motivator," "Hey, is that Double Bubble?," "I told you I'd kill him if he touched you again," "That red head is really starting to piss me off," "Get out! Nice shoes," "Damn, that ninja's fast," "Congratulations, Duke, you just saved Paris. Well, most of it," "Is that blood? Spaghetti sauce. Don't ask," "Dead guys don't breakdance," "I'm going to make you very unhappy. I'm already unhappy," "If we live, I'll show you everything," "Science requires sacrifice," and "Deploy the sharks!"
Rating: 7.5/10.0
***
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, even when they're big budget "A" movies, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
"G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"
Channing Tatum- Duke Marlon Wayans- Ripcord Sienna Miller- Baroness Christopher Eccleston- McCullen Ray Park- Snake Eyes Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje- Heavy Duty Joseph Gordon-Levitt- The Doctor Rachel Nichols- Scarlett Byung-hun Lee- Storm Shadow Said Taghmaoui- Breaker Arnold Vosloo- Zartan Dennis Quaid- General Hawk Jonathan Pryce- The President Brendan Fraser- Sgt. Stone
Directed by Stephen Sommers Screenplay by Stuart Beattie, David Elliot, and Paul Lovett, based on a story by Michael B. Gordon, Stuart Beattie, and Stephen Sommers, based on the Hasbro toy line
Distributed by Paramount Pictures Rated PG-13 for strong sequences of action violence and mayhem throughout Runtime- 118 minutes
