Misunderstood Masterpieces 09.15.09: Pathfinder
Posted by Will Helm on 09.15.2009
...or, The Origin of the Longest Running Rivalry in the NFL
In early September across the United States, on televisions and radios across the country on Saturdays and Sundays can be seen and heard the sights and sounds of the game of American football. Whether played by college students or professionals, American football is seen by some, more than baseball, the true American pastime. With aficionados across the country and some fans as committed as religious zealots, American football holds a significant place in modern American life, with the local teams' colors often nearly as important as nationality and creed. American football is a phenomenon deeply ingrained in American society and will probably be for many, many years to come.
Of course, this column has absolutely nothing to do with football; I was just caught up in the emotions of the season-opening weekend. Oh, and, as well, like the National Football League, this week's film features Vikings and Native Americans – pejoratively often referred to as "Redskins": 2007's Pathfinder. A remake of the Norwegian film Orfelas, Pathfinder brought together two ethnicities grossly underrepresented in films – particularly epic action films – for reasons totally unbeknownst to me. But, the new subject matter has to be a source of fresh excitement, right? Especially when the director is the seasoned helmer Marcus Nispel, the man behind such classics as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre . . . and Friday the 13th . . . and the Janet Jackson video for "Runaway." Oh geez. This is not going to be good. But is it a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
Remarkably not sponsored by Nissan.
During the opening credits, sketchy – and I mean literally sketchy, as in "sketched" – Vikings slaughter Native Americans until an opening scrawl explains what's going on. As if there's a need for subtext with Vikings slaughtering Native Americans. And, thanks to the opening scrawl, I don't need to pay attention to anything that actually happens in this movie, because it's all based on legend. Evidently, however, that's not necessarily true, as an expository monologue rudely interrupts the introductory scrawl while a horse chases some woman through a forest. Please tell me this isn't some sort of post-modern avant garde sort of film.
After the woman and the horse run around in slow motion through a gauzy, faded lens, the woman stumbles upon a wrecked Viking longboat on the coastline. Rather than run back to her village and tell someone about it, the woman goes into the shipwreck and takes an unannounced tour of the facilities; the corpses on hand don't approve, however, and the woman freaks out. Then, perhaps as revenge for intruding on his territory, a giant, frozen Viking attacks the woman, but she fends him off . . . only to find herself held at sword-point by a little kid. Somehow, perhaps by the power of her being the only living thing he's seen in at least a few days, the woman gets the kid to surrender and, since it would be a much shorter movie if she just left him there, the woman adopts him.
Unsurprisingly, the tribal elders aren't happy about this development, as the boy is too old to train to be a Jedi, but the woman, like Qui-Gon Jin before her, stands up to them and takes on the boy as her apprentice . . . or something like that. All I know is that this lacked a Yoda figure to dispense arcane wisdom, so it's a FAIL. That night, the kid has nightmares of Tusken Raiders killing his family, or, more accurately, rampaging Vikings pillaging and causing severe head trauma among the Native American tribes. Just to add insult to post-traumatic-stress disorder, the kid's father also disowns him in the dream . . . or in reality. It isn't really clear, honestly. After the dream, the kid wakes up and stumbles around the hut, until he comes upon his sword, with which he is amazed. Yeah, he's going to grow up to be a serial killer.
Between saving Middle Earth and joining Starfleet came this.
Fifteen years later, the kid grows up to be Eomer McCoy (Karl Urban) and helps build sheds in his village while the native kids show their adulation for his help. Later in the day, some mystical guy (Russell Means) visits the village as well as his HOT CHICK daughter (Moon Bloodgood) and a bunch of other guys. It seems that Eomer McCoy is into the HOT CHICK, but some other guy isn't happy about that development and voices his jealousy to Eomer McCoy. Meanwhile, the mystic tells Eomer McCoy's adopted father that bad things are going down around them and, to make matters worse, some prophesy is coming true. Oh, is this the one about the Light and Dark Sides of the Force achieving balance? If so, I've already heard that one.
After finishing his sit-down, the mystic then states that he's in town searching for an heir, because he also happens to be the titular "pathfinder." Even though there are many worthy men in the village, Eomer McCoy can't be one of them, as he's haunted by demons. Rather than ask how to exorcize those demons, Eomer McCoy instead runs off in a huff and plays with his sword. His dad, sympathetic, tries to talk some sense into him, but it doesn't work well.
The next morning, a simpleton plays the fife while a bunch of guys wander off into the forest with the mystic and the HOT CHICK, Eomer McCoy not among them. The HOT CHICK, before leaving, drops Eomer McCoy a feather as a token of her admiration or something. Or she's just clumsy. Later, Eomer McCoy, probably lonely, goes into the forest as well and visits the wrecked ship, which no one had the sense to salvage since it's been there. Meanwhile, Eomer McCoy's kid sister rummages through the forest – since that seems to be what all the cool kids do. Alas, some Vikings choose that moment to show up and spoil her fun, chasing her from the scene and following her to the village where the dole out more head trauma to the overmatched residents. With victory seemingly well in hand, the Vikings blow their Horn of Awesome and Eomer McCoy, realizing that something's not right here, rushes off . . . to find the village in ruins and dogs eating the remains of the townspeople while he stands around. Good work there, Eomer McCoy.
This is Moon Bloodgood. She is not from Krynn.
Elsewhere, at the Viking encampment, Eomer McCoy's adoptive father fights a Viking, but, unsurprisingly, the Viking wins and Eomer McCoy gets to witness his adoptive father's execution. With his adoptive father now dead, Eomer McCoy runs headlong into the Viking encampment and the Vikings, their bloodlust unsatisfied, challenge him to a duel. Eomer McCoy, with this opportunity, channels his obsession with his sword and uses it to kill a few Vikings before running off into the forest. The Vikings, seeking REVENGE for this act, give chase, but Eomer McCoy just kills more of them and then hijacks a horse.
Later in the chase, while trying to escape from the Viking archers, Eomer McCoy is shot with an arrow, so he decides – somehow – to use a shield as a toboggan and he rides it down a snowy hillside. The Vikings, almost hilariously, pull out giant sleds and follow Eomer McCoy down the hill. Of course, since he's imbued with the power of awesome, Eomer McCoy kills a few more Vikings and then he slides off a cliff. The Vikings, perhaps lazy and tired from their recent conquests, give up the hunt, so they don't realize that, unsurprisingly, Eomer McCoy survives his perilous plunge.
Back at the encampment, the Vikings regroup, but the chief isn't happy to learn that they didn't kill Eomer McCoy, so he kills a guy to vent his frustrations. Meanwhile, Eomer McCoy wanders around in a snowstorm until he finds a party of Native Americans, which just so happens to include the mystic and the HOT CHICK. Well, that's convenient for the plot. With the weather disagreeable, the party moves into a nearby cave, which is all nice and comfy until a bear shows up. While everyone freaks out, the mystic simply yells at the bear; the bear, not content to be scolded without due reason, charges the mystic, so the mystic calmly picks up a spear and lets the bear impale itself.
This type of Viking is not in this picture.
While the Vikings track Eomer McCoy thanks to the massive amounts of blood he's spilled in the snow, the Native Americans have a party in the cave while the mystic attempts to heal Eomer McCoy. Eomer McCoy responds by having a seizure, so the mystic blows smoke on him. OK then. Sometime later, the mystic briefs the tribe about the Viking invasion and then Eomer McCoy pipes up as well, telling the rest of the hunters to get lost because he wants to handle this REVENGE thing by himself. Before Eomer McCoy sets off for REVENGE, the mystic gives him some advice and the HOT CHICK reveals that she's going to be worried about him. As Eomer McCoy leaves the camp, the simpleton follows, much to Eomer McCoy's chagrin.
Deep in the forest, Eomer McCoy and the simpleton set up an ambush while the HOT CHICK leaves the cave, presumably in search of Eomer McCoy. The jealous guy, upon learning of the HOT CHICK's exit, takes half the tribe with him because he wants her back, even though Eomer McCoy told them all to get lost. Back in the forest, the mystic finds Eomer McCoy resting and gives him some cryptic advice; Eomer McCoy apparently doesn't appreciate the help, so he stabs the mystic . . . but it's all a dream! Luckily for Eomer McCoy, rather than the mystic, he's visited instead by the HOT CHICK and, of course, they get it on. After the coitus, she asks him about the Vikings, since that's a great conversation topic during the afterglow.
Speaking of the Vikings, sometime later, they blow their horn and Eomer McCoy springs his finely crafted trap and kills a few Vikings. In the process, he wisely steals some armor, because buckskin doesn't offer the best protection. And neither does lambskin, but that's an entirely different subject. Meanwhile, the HOT CHICK and the simpleton join in the fun and kill a few Vikings as well. Eventually, Eomer McCoy, with a severed Viking head in hand, faces off against the entire Viking horde and tells them to skedaddle. Before they can, however, the jealous guy and his warriors drop in against Eomer McCoy's wishes . . . and fall right into his trap. The Vikings, like kids on Christmas, jump into the fray and slaughter the witless hunters while Eomer McCoy looks on, half disgusted, half thinking "why didn't they listen to me?"
This is Goldmoon. She IS from Krynn.
With most of the tribe now deceased, Eomer McCoy rescues the jealous guy from the fray, but the jealous guy tells Eomer McCoy that he just wants to be left to die, so Eomer McCoy goes after the HOT CHICK and the simpleton, who have run off to seeming safety. Alas, their safety is compromised when the Vikings find them first, but the HOT CHICK fends one off by hitting him in the groin with a skull. Now that's taking the term "getting head" to very bizarre and almost necrophilic levels. Alas, the simpleton finds himself without any severed body parts with which to defend himself, so the Vikings kill him easily. I suppose I'm supposed to feel bad about that, but I care so little for any of the characters in this movie that I'm fairly unmoved.
Deep in the depths of a cave, the HOT CHICK crawls around while the Vikings grab at her like this is a Pre-Columbian haunted house. Eventually, Eomer McCoy finds her and they crawl around together some more, just not in the carnal sense, as earlier. Meanwhile, outside, the Vikings torture the jealous guy and roast him alive, but their fun is spoiled when the mystic shows up out of nowhere to shoot the jealous guy with an arrow and put him out of his misery. Bolstered by the sudden appearance of the mystic, Eomer McCoy and the HOT CHICK join into the fray and they start massacring Vikings. Unfortunately, three against an innumerable horde doesn't add up well, so the heroes are eventually overpowered. After being subdued, the mystic makes Eomer McCoy his heir as "pathfinder" and then the Vikings have him drawn and quartered. Well, it's good that he had time for his little speech, otherwise there would be a "pathfinder" succession crisis, which means the Hapsburgs and the Bourbons would have to get involved and no one wants that.
After a short amount of deliberation – and mainly to save the life of the HOT CHICK, Eomer McCoy has a heel turn on the Native Americans and joins the Vikings to become their own personal "pathfinder." Funny; I didn't know Vince Russo was a co-writer on this movie. Now the vanguard of the Viking horde, Eomer McCoy leads them to an abandoned village and the Vikings, who must be going through pillage withdrawal, freak out. Eomer McCoy, craftily, tells them to follow along, as the Native Americans they're after totally must have retreated deeper into the woods and mountains. Though most of the Vikings just grunt and mumble, a few voice their skepticism, but the lead Viking shoots them down. Figuratively, surprisingly.
Don't tell John Riggins that "Redskin" is a derogatory term.
Even more eventually, Eomer McCoy brings the Viking horde to a frozen lake and tells them the missing Native Americans are on the other side. Though Eomer McCoy tells them to go around, the skeptical portions of the Viking horde elect to march right over the frozen lake . . . so they all fall in. Or, at least, most of them, including Eomer McCoy. In the chilling water, Eomer McCoy starts hallucinating and the mystic shows up out of nowhere to tell him off. The mystic's spirit then punches Eomer McCoy in the face and Eomer McCoy swims back up to the surface, probably because he's so embarrassed that he got pummeled by a ghost.
After the surviving Vikings pull Eomer McCoy from the icy water, he warms up and leads them into the mountains and, specifically, a perilously narrow mountain pass. How perilous is it? After Eomer McCoy tells the Vikings they should tie themselves together to keep from falling – and the Vikings, of course, don't listen, one of the Vikings falls quite hastily. The Vikings, now with incontrovertible proof of Eomer McCoy's awesome powers of precognition, tie themselves together. Of course, it's all a grand scheme by Eomer McCoy, as, high on the face of the mountain, he stages a fight between himself and the HOT CHICK and, in the ensuing fracas, he hits the rear-most Viking with a rock, causing them all to fall from the cliff.
Of course, killing all the Vikings can't be this easy, and it's proven true when the leader of the Vikings kills his second in command and starts climbing the cliff. Eomer McCoy, still tied to the Viking leader but with the rope tangled around a tree, fights the Viking leader while repelling. As the HOT CHICK runs off to safety, Eomer McCoy starts yelling at the Viking leader and, in doing so, causes an avalanche which buries the Vikings and the Viking chief. Or not, as they still have time for a swordfight, after which Eomer McCoy drops the Viking chief off the cliff yet again, this time for good.
While the HOT CHICK survives the ordeal and rests comfortably, Eomer McCoy suffers through another avalanche, but, somehow, he survives as well. Eventually, Eomer McCoy limps his way to a village where the HOT CHICK is recuperating and he gives her a necklace – which means . . . something – and some guy is happy about this. After the magic horse shows up again, Eomer McCoy takes his leave, as do the HOT CHICK and the rest of the tribe, as she reveals, in a closing expository monologue, that she is the new "pathfinder" . . . and she's also a single mother, thanks to that deadbeat Eomer McCoy. Somebody call Maury Povich!
The formula for an action/adventure movie is generally pretty easy to figure out and stick to: have a charismatic hero, a damsel, some sort of mentor, a villain, and lots of exciting action. Somehow, Pathfinder has all of these things but it all just ends up wrong in the end. Though I cannot say the cast is bad, their saddled with characters that I could not have cared less about. Most significantly, the characters are barely named; for example, once in a while, Karl Urban's character is referred to as "Ghost," but those times are few and far between. I'm sorry, Pathfinder, but it's hard to care about someone when I don't even know what to call him or her. As well, and I know I've complained about this in films before, the characters just seem to be placeholders for traditional action/adventure archetypes – specifically the ones mentioned earlier – with nothing to set them apart from any other of their peers. Perhaps worst of all, though, is the way the film is shot, with this weird, almost ethereal gauzy quality that makes the action scenes unbearably muddled. I'm sure this was seen by some as "edgy" and "artistic," but it just comes across as hiding lackluster fight choreography. For all it's faults, I do believe Pathfinder could have been so much better, but it has to remain, for now, a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week for epic pre-history with a side of anachronism. See you then!
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