Deleted Scenes 09.17.09: Looking Back - The Worst of Summer 2009
Posted by Robert Sullivan on 09.17.2009
Last week I showed you how summer 2009 was better than you thought...this week we see how summer 2009 was worse than you remembered. Come on in.
Hey, everybody. "I'm Rob, this is Deleted Scenes, and welcome back to another week here. I've been hearing a fair deal of complaints that summer 2009 was a weak year at the movies, and for the life of me, I can't seem to understand why. The product was there - the only further elements needed were Yahoo! Movies for showtimes and Mapquest for directions. But before we get into what movies in particular deserved your gas money, first we gotta do a little bit of the business."
And after you read all that content, go ahead and make 411Mania YOUR official homepage. You're good people, I know you will.
The Column
Well, wait a second. That's how last week's column began, and this week's focus is just a little bit different.
As in the-other-end-of-the-spectrum different.
180 degrees different.
After examining the best examples of movie going this past summer, your favorite columnist here thought to himself, "Self, this just wouldn't be fair as a wholly one-sided enterprise. Just showing the good without giving just as much examination to the bad isn't worthy of the Deleted Scenes label."
I then agreed with myself. He had a good point there. Before fully plunging ahead with the fall cinematic slate and the brand spanking new TV schedule - which reminds me, the second season premiere of "Fringe" is on tomorrow night at 9/8 central on FOX, you better watch it - we should see what really, terribly sucked this summer season. And here we go -
But first, a note. G-Force, Tyler Perry Studios Presents Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All by Myself Written and Directed by Tyler Perry...these examples, yes, I'm sure they were hideous, awful, and all sorts of bad adjectives. However, of course I didn't see any of those, so it wouldn't be fair of me to mock them beyond how awful they appeared. All of the movies mentioned here are ones I sat through for you, dear readers. Thank me accordingly.
With money.
2009 Worst Picture...thus far
Points docked for not being terribly surprising, I know, but Goddamn, dudes and dudettes. This was even more horrendous than I already imagined.
The day prior to seeing this atrocity, while on another website, a commenter in one of the threads mentioned something about "Michael Myers and his white stallion." This immediately sent cold pangs throughout my body.
"Michael Myers rides a horse in this movie," I asked?
No, I was reassured. Michael Myers does not being an equestrian or an enthusiast of gambling on the ponies in the film. What I got was much worse.
This.
Sitting in the theater, I was with mouth agog and totally aghast. I felt like Hamilton Porter when Scotty Smalls told him he had no idea who Babe Ruth was.
You're killing me, Zombie!
Michael Myers as a friggin' mama's boy following around a Goddamned horse? That's his motivation? That was your TOTALLY XTREME VISION!!!11 for the franchise?
Then let me tell you a secret, Rob. I see what the problem is now. It's so incredibly obvious, I can't believe I didn't see it before. You just didn't remake - oh, excuse me, reimagine with a TOTALLY XTREME VISION!!!11 - the right franchise. It's not Michael Myers you wanted to tell new stories about, it's Jason fucking Voorhees!
They even recently remade Friday the 13th, for Christ's sake! Recent news that, while there would be another X-Treme Halloween, it'd be in 3-D and without the services of Rob Zombie as writer/director. This is good news, although they'll just follow the Michael-as-monstrous-pro-wrestler-reject-who-really-just-needs-a-hug-from-Mommy template already laid out.
In the meantime, though, this is your 2009 Worst Picture thus far. Not frightening, not logical in any sense, and just another rape of a horror icon by a dick who should stick to things he does understand - jacking off over his wife's ass in private, not public, and going "YEAAAAAAAAH" over throbbing electro-metal beats.
The Lowlights of Summer 2009
From one pillaged franchise to another, Terminator Salvation should really be where this overdone and tired story finally ends.
You know, unless they actually plan on a movie where humans win the Goddamned war already.
Obviously I understand the need to leave a franchise open for further sequels, but enough cockteasing already. Let's just end this series with one final blowout to make the Terminator geeks happy and give enough scenes with Christian Bale angrily shouting to make the unintentional comedy fans happy too.
"WE ARE ALL - DEAD!" might've been the funniest line of anything released this year, though. I will give Terminator Salvation that. After all, I can't give it a coherent storyline or much of a reason to exist at all. And for that matter, enough with the "Sam Worthington stole the movie!" hype. First, he didn't steal anything worth having in the first place. Second, and here comes a big spoiler alert for all of you sensitive types out there, he's Josh Hartnett 2.0. Deal with him for a few years, don't go see his next hyped movie from a desperate Hollywood needing another star by any means necessary, and he'll disappear.
Honestly this one was probably my backup choice for 2009 Worst Picture, as it was mindgratingly awful and an outright chore to sit through. However, I'm a horror geek, not a comic book geek, so overall I wasn't as offended by the ridiculous rewrites given to the Wolverine character as I was by those handed off to Michael Myers. That said, what a loud cacophony of nothing X-Men Origins: Wolverine truly was. Hugh Jackman baldly hoping for enough juice at the box office to go off and make his next 5 non-Wolverine flops, Taylor Kitsch wasting his free time from "Friday Night Lights" just randomly showing up to save Wolverine at the end...and then there's Liev Schreiber. Dude, I've seen your wife. Just stay home with your wife and narrate HBO Sports documentaries for the rest of your life. You've won, trust me.
"Bitch, I'm-a SHOW YOU CRAZY!"
"You put yo' hands on MAH CHILD?"
Easily the unintentional comedy champion of the year, but still worthy of inclusion because of its unamusingly serious attempts to be a Fatal Attraction for the Twitter generation. That wasn't pleasant, but once the movie took a train straight to Crazyville for the Beyonce smackdown of the skinny white bitch out to steal her man...Obsessed flew. Nay, it SOARED.
Yeah, you figured this would be bad, not quite this bad. Or dreadfully boring. Droning "human being" Channing Tatum - talking about candidates for New Josh Hartnett status, everybody, Channing Tatum! - moans about being a deep street kid just not getting a fair break in life...until Terrence Howard, clearly wasting his talent and picking up a paycheck, takes him to the underground fighting circuit that apparently can exist despite multitudes of people knowing about its flagrant illegality. Add in a leading lady who blatantly has never acted before - to the point of giving her character the same name as the actress - and presto, you've got Fighting, a movie so worthless its title is a Goddamned verb.
Well, those are your top 5 most horrible movies of the season. When countered with the shining examples I gave you last week, however - I think you've agreed this has only served as more evidence that summer 2009 was something to remember at the movie theater.
