A Bloody Good Time 9.17.09: The Ten Dumbest Moments in Child's Play History

Posted by Joseph Lee on 09.17.2009

"This is nuts! And I have a very high tolerance for nuts!" - Chucky

Logo courtesy of Benjamin J. Colón (Soul Exodus)

Welcome again to A Bloody Good Time.

Last week, in a column I knew would anger some people, I presented what I thought were the best remakes ever. Time to step into the feedback pool and see what comes up to bite me.

YepYep starts us out with: While not a horror film itself, The Mummy is a damn good remake of a horror film.

I agree. It was a fun action movie. Unfortunately it gave way to two really bad sequels, and another series of bad movies about The Scorpion King.

Guest responded with this accusation: Must be another guy that takes money under the table from Rob Zombie. His remake is terrible without a doubt. Theres a reason why no one wants to see the sequel.

I tell you, this made me laugh for several minutes straight. If only I could get paid money from Rob Zombie to say I enjoy his movies. Then I could have more money, even if I would enjoy Rob Zombie's movies for free.

A.J. says: I thought Last House on the Left was a damn good remake. Much better than the original.

I agree, but I only made room for five films in each category.

Jeff Albertson replied: Great read. This has been consistently my favorite read on any of the 411 pages. I even read all the back stuff as well. The first time i read this edition i thought you had mixed up the two lists. I was like are you fuckin kidding me? the Thing not as good as the original. [luckily i reread it and saved myself some hummiliation]. Couldnt agree more about the thing first time i seen the stomach bit i almost shited on myself....scary stuff and totally original.

I was blown away by The Thing the first time I watched it, because it was essentially a blind rental going on the fact that John Carpenter directed it. I don't think anything Carpenter's done since Halloween has ever topped it but The Thing came the closest.

Guest#1682 gave his(or her) opinion: The Thing, NOTLD, and Amityvile Horror are the only ones I agree with. All the rest blow.

While I could see someone disagreeing with me about a number of the entries on the list...did you actually just say that The Fly "blows"? Were you able to type that with a straight face?

David gives another venom-filled response: Either you are a liar or there are no good remakes whatsoever. How the fuck dare you include anything done by that fuck, Rob Zombie. What the hell does it take to get someone to kill that mother fucker?

Yes, because killing Rob Zombie is a perfectly reasonable solution to the fact you don't like his movies.

JLAJRC says: While not scary, The Little Shop of Horrors remake is possibly my favorite movie of all time. I even own the soundtrack.

I agree, I love it and own the DVD. I love the film so much that I was excited to see Ellen Greene play Sylar's mother on Heroes.

Now let's go to this week.



It may seem hard, for some, to pick out what exactly the dumbest moments in the Child's Play series are. After all, it's a series of increasingly silly movies where a serial killer uses voodoo to transfer his soul into a doll. But the Chucky movies have their own unique charm, which means even some of the dumb moments are part of the show and just as entertaining. That said, there are some moments of stupidity, some leaps in logic, that can't be ignored. These are moments so idiotic that they feel out of place, even in a movie series like this. So let's get to the Ten Dumbest Moments in Child's Play History



#10: Chucky's Voodoo Doll from Child's Play

This is the only entry from the original Child's Play, because I love that movie. It's solid, scary ("Hi I'm Chucky, Wanna Play?") and well-acted. But there is one moment that has always stuck out for me as silly and unnecessary. After he's managed to off Maggie the babysitter and Eddie the accomplice, Chucky heads to John's house to find out why he felt pain and bled from a gunshot wound. John, a master of voodoo, reveals to him that it's because he's turning human and he won't help him.

So Chucky pulls out a voodoo doll and it actually works. Now I know he uses voodoo to get inside the Good Guy's body to begin with, but this scene has always felt out of place to me. Why couldn't Chucky just stab him directly and grant us another impressive visual effects scene? Instead he's just stabbing a piece of cotton and the guy has to sell it. It's nasty for the breaking effects but otherwise it's just silly.



What's your verdict? Is it stupid or am I overthinking it?



#9: Death by Heart Attack from Child's Play 3

This is an example of a stupid moment that I actually enjoy. You can't say that very often with these lists. The scene in question shows Chucky sneaking up on the person in charge at the military school (I can't remember his rank) and is ready to kill him with a giant army knife. The guy sees him, and proceeds to be scared so much his heart gives out and he dies. Chucky responds like anyone would: "Shit!". A perfectly good kill is ruined by someone's weak anatomy. Not only that, but Chucky never really gets to use that knife. I think it was just put in for the visuals.

Like I said, I enjoy this moment. It's a nice change of pace and who would freak out if a doll started coming to life and threatening you? Granted, not all of us would have a heart attack but this guy was old. I found it to be a nice little bit of dark humor (along with the "Andy, how you've grown" moment) and it was entertaining. That said, it's still really stupid. No one pays Chucky off guys by inducing heart failure. Unless, of course, that heart failure is due to a stab wound.



#8: Worst. Foster Care. Ever. from Child's Play 2

You have to feel bad for Andy after the events of the original Child's Play. He was a murder suspect, a witness to two deaths and of course, was threatened by Chucky for the entirety of the movie. After which, the police deny any involvement of a killer doll (I knew Chris Sarandon couldn't play a good guy forever..he's Prince Humperdink after all.) and his mother is locked up in psychiatric care because she refuses to sell out her son so she can look normal. When we open in the sequel, Andy's in child services and is about to go live with a bunch of strangers. Of course Chucky comes back to life as well.

It's the foster care service that I'm concerned with. Let's ignore the fact that Phil and Joanne are not good foster parents for the moment (and they are). What kind of foster care services gives the address of a child to any old person? Chucky calls up the organization and says that he's "Uncle Charles". Apparently they give him the information because he's next seen going to the house. In other words, without any documentation, proof or anything like that, they just tell some guy over the phone where a child is currently staying. How is that place not shut down? You know that if they did it that one time they would probably do it again, and that's not safe for any children, especially those being hunted by possessed playthings.



#7: The New Kid from Child's Play 3

I don't know why they couldn't get Alex Vincent (Andy) back for Child's Play 3. Maybe it was because the sequel was rushed into production and they couldn't get him away from school. Maybe they already knew they wanted Andy to be grown up and didn't even attempt to bring him back. Either way, we were stuck with Ronald Tyler, a young boy is staying at the same military school that Andy is, and he's incredibly lonely. Since Chucky has a new body, he tells Tyler his secret and decides that it's time for "Chucky to become a bro". Of course once he reveals his plan to Andy (kind of a dumb move on your part, Chucky), it makes things a little bit harder.

It doesn't help the situation that Tyler is the most annoying kid on the planet. I swear, if Child's Play 3 didn't come after Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, I'd think that he was the same kid who played Reggie the Reckless. As of now, I'm sure the characters are at least cousins. But he does all kinds of stupid things like lecture Chucky on cussing, insist on calling him "Charles" (that gets old immediately) and wants to play Hide and Seek all the time. If Chucky could have got the kid to sit still and shut up for five minutes, he would have finally succeeded. Trust me, I've never wanted Chucky to succeed more than I did while watching Child's Play 3.



#6: New Design from Seed of Chucky

I'm probably the only one that feels this way, but I think the way Chucky, Tiffany (and especially Glen) look in Seed of Chucky is stupid. No offense to puppet handler Tony Gardner, but he's no Kevin Yagher. Yagher was responsible for Chucky's design and effects in the previous four films. The effects in the first were decent, but you could still spot a midget in a mask. However in the next three films Chucky was like a part of the cast. Very lifelike for an animatronic puppet. His pre-Bride look is the best, but even in Bride he didn't look as bad as he does in Seed

I'm not exactly why he does look different. Maybe it's because in Seed, Chucky's soul goes into an actual animatronic doll. Maybe the budget didn't allow for the same materials. Maybe they lost the doll from Bride of Chucky. Either way, Chucky and Tiffany look more cartoonish and fake here than they ever have. I know a more cartoon feel makes sense given the film in question, but it just takes me out of the story. If your movie is focusing completely on puppet characters...shouldn't you put more effort into making those characters look their best?



#5: John Waters and Britney Spears? in Seed of Chucky

I know, it feels like I'm picking on Seed of Chucky (and I'm not through yet). The truth is, I liked it for what it was. I remember calling it the worst horror film of 2004, but one of the funniest films of that year. I think the film is hilarious, just not scary at all and really stupid. One of the things I find stupid is the irritating and grating John Waters, who has a small role as a member of the paparazzi. I know this guy is something of a cult icon and he has his fans, but I can't stand him. He's annoying and looks like his computer is about to be raided by the FBI. But at least he has a role to play and that's getting a very nasty and awesome death, via acid.

Why Don Mancini felt the need to have Chucky kill a Britney Spears lookalike is beyond me. The scene lasts for a total of maybe thirty seconds, but it's just there to make a joke about Chucky saying: "oops I did it again!" The whole scene got a lot of press because people thought it was actually Britney in the film...so the ads had to point out that it wasn't. I think maybe if it was actually her, I could let it slide. Since it's not...what exactly was the point? To prove you hate Britney Spears? Who doesn't?





#4: Rebuilding Chucky from Child's Play 2

This is, once again, a tale of irresponsibility and illogical actions. Imagine if you will, a series of killings surrounding your product has occurred and a boy is saying your product was actually the one killing. Would you steal the burned out husk of the doll from the crime scene and rebuild it to check it's tape (which was probably destroyed) and promote that it's in fact, safe? That's what the company behind the line of Good Guy Dolls does in Child's Play 2. In this nutcase's opinion, that's an extremely stupid thing to do. Why? Well, why not?

Let's forget for a moment that Chucky is possessed. Let's assume Andy was just crazy. Most normal companies would recall the product. If it was linked to death, you recall the dolls and then send them back out when you've figured out why anyone would think it could kill. This company not only leaves the dolls out on the market (which is understandable from a business perspective), but they proceed to steal the doll from a crime scene. That had to be illegal. It's evidence, right? How would they get it? Then they use that doll as part of an attempt to promote that there was nothing wrong with it. Why go through all that trouble? They could have just as easily used any of the dolls they have available to sell that to the stockholders. Instead, they stomp around a sensitive issue. Wait, that's not unlike any other big business at all. Nevermind.



#3: Unexplained Deaths from The Entire Series

This one just always bugged in me in regards to the Chucky movies. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I should just ignore it, but I just can't. It seems like to much of a lack of proper writing and not enough like an easily forgettable detail. In any other franchise: Jason, Michael, Freddy, etc. when someone dies, it's attributed to something. Usually Freddy's deaths are blamed as suicides, for example. Jason and Michael usually take the credit in their films. But Chucky? The fact that the deaths occured isn't even brought into question.

The only time the aftermath of a Chucky killing spree is mentioned is at the beginning of Child's Play 2, when Andy blames the doll and no one believes him. Okay, a crazy kid blamed the doll because he couldn't cope with the murders. Even if that wasn't true, who do you pin the deaths on? Do you just ignore each isolated killing spree and move on? Chucky's killed over thirty people! It just doesn't make any sense to me that police would not try to come up with any explanation. It just screams both "poor writing" and "plot hole" to me. Maybe I'm wrong.



#2: Doll Sex from Bride of Chucky

I love Bride of Chucky. I thought it did a very good job of "rebooting" the series into a more humorous style, poking fun of Chucky while still delivering on a few scares here and there. It has numerous horror references, homages to previous Chucky films and of course, Jennifer Tilly in black leather. But one scene I always found stupid, and always will is the doll sex scene. After dispatching a couple in the most contrived way possible (oh wait, this came after the Pinhead homage, so nevermind), Chucky professes his love for Tiffany and proposes. They proceed to get horny, get naked (yes guys, you do see Tiffany's butt. Enjoy.) and have sex. If the term "jump the shark" ever applied to Chucky, then this was the moment that did it.

This shouldn't even be possible. I know Chucky says he's anatomically correct (which is a lie, by the way...see him being built in Child's Play 2), but you mean it just so happens that Tiffany is also built that way, with a vagina? I could have left the insanity of this moment slide if there was some sort of line about: "well when we become human we grow everything humans have", but no...they just went with it. In addition to the lack of logic with this scene, it's just stupid and full of dumb jokes about Chucky being made of rubber and a silhouette of our favorite killer doll humping another doll. Of course Mancini would take it one step further in Seed, where we get to see Chucky pleasure himself. The sex scene is not the dumbest moment, however, because it was the result of that scene that gets the dubious honor.



#1: Glen from Seed of Chucky

You could point to the fact that no one finds Chucky scary anymore as the reason that Child's Play is being remade in 2010. I'd prefer to point the finger of blame on the fact that Seed of Chucky was so ridiculous and hated by many that there was no way to salvage the current franchise. One big problem with Seed is Chucky's son Glen (or Glenda...or Shitface, if you prefer). The fact that he's one big Ed Wood reference aside, Glen is pretty much a waste of space within the film and I just hated his character.

I take that back, I think the fact Glen thought he was Japanese (due to the "Made in Japan" stamp on his arm..which isn't even true!) was pretty funny. Other than that, I had no desire to learn anything else about them. They open his story calling him Shitface. That's the level of maturity you can expect with this film and his character is a whining, moping and unfunny one that contributes nothing. What's even worse is when he snaps and turns into an even more annoying woman killer. Billy Boyd provide some good voice-work, but that's not enough to save a really bad idea. He should have stayed a simple "gotcha" moment at the end of Bride of Chucky.

That's it. The dumbest Chucky moments ever. It's a good thing I remembered Glen was an Ed Wood reference, because he's the perfect tie-in for next week's column. I'm going to do another horror profile (in the style of my previous columns on George Romero or Sam Raimi) for a Tribute to Ed Wood. Sure, he made some bad movies, but they weren't Uwe Boll levels of bad! See you next week.