The 411 Movies Top 5 9.18.09: Week 183 - Top 5 Better Choices for the New American Idol Judge

Posted by Trevor Snyder on 09.18.2009

The recent decision to bring in Ellen as the new judge on American Idol will probably be a good one for the ratings, but that doesn't mean there aren't better choices. Some of the 411 crew, for instance, have some suggestions of their own.



TOP 5 BETTER CHOICES FOR AMERICAN IDOL JUDGE



As you've probably all heard by now, FOX recently decided to fill the judge's seat left vacant by Paula Abdul with Ellen Degeneres. Now, I understand that Ellen is a beloved and ultra-popular TV personality, and will almost certainly bring in massive amounts of viewers, but it still seems like an odd choice. Granted, I'm no American Idol fan in the first place, but even can't help but feel like maybe they could have picked someone that...oh, I don't know...is actually involved in the music business?

Still, the choice to go with Ellen apparently shows that's not that important of a requirement, and so I figured I'd invite some of my fellow 411-ers in offering up lists of those who we think would probably be even better on Idol than Degeneres. Are all of our choices plausible? Probably not. But would they be a hell of a lot more entertaining than what we're actually going to get? Well, you be the judge...

TREVOR SNYDER

5. MC Skat Kat

I think it's about time the co-star of Paula Abdul's hit video "Opposites Attract" has a comeback, don't you? And what better place for it to happen than in the former chair of his old friend? Let's face it, Abdul owes a lot of her fame to this cartoon cat, so it would be a nice story if it could all come full circle somewhat. Plus, MC Skat Kat could end each episode of Idol with a heartfelt PSA, thus making the show socially relevant. Sure, we're just trying to find a new singing sensation, but that doesn't mean you can't also teach kids about the wonders of recycling while you're at it.

4. Amy Winehouse

From what I understand, part of the appeal of Abdul on Idol was listening to her incoherent rambling. Why not up that factor by about a thousand, and bring in Winehouse? Before you poo-poo this idea, keep in mind that the two albums Winehouse has actually been able to make (in-between cracked-out escapades) are both far better than anything Abdul ever contributed to the music world, so in a way Amy's credentials are even stronger. Would she show up for every episode? Not likely…but the mystery of if she was going to would probably keep people watching anyway. And then when she did show up, oh man, it would be amazing. Viewers at home could not only text in their choices for that night's winner, but also bet on how long Amy can go before throwing up and passing out on the table. Classic TV.

3. Gordon Ramsey

This seems like a no-brainer. If FOX wants to jack Idol's ratings back up, why not bring in their other big reality star? Now, I know part of the reason Ellen was brought in was to retain the "nice judge" spot that Abdul filled. But forget that. "Nice" is not the attention-grabber that "mean as hell" is. Imagine if both ends of the Idol table were occupied by pissed-off, sarcastic Brits. The contestants – not to mention the other judges – wouldn't know what hit them. And who wouldn't want to watch the first big fight between Gordon and Simon?

2. Christopher Walken

Well, geez, do I even need to explain this one? C'mon, in all honesty, who would you rather watch judging Idol - Ellen or Walken? Yeah, I thought so. And the thing is, he might be up for it. You might initially think he's too busy of a guy to take part in a show like Idol, but I remember reading a while back that Walken had been pitching his own live cooking show, where he would take calls from viewers and give relationship advice while preparing the dishes. Now, how no network ever jumped all over that is beyond me, but it at least shows that Walken is looking for a live venue for his special kind of oddness. Idol would give him one hell of a large audience. And we could all use more Walken.

1. Me

Well, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm relatively sure I have almost as much experience in the music industry as Ellen Degeneres. Of course, I realize I'm not as famous, but here's the thing – you put me on American Idol as a new judge (especially one people have never heard of before), and in just one week I will be just as famous. Doesn't anyone else see the logic there? And here's the good news for FOX…I'm willing to do the job for about 1% of what you're paying Ellen. So it's a total win-win situation. You create a new star, and he works cheap! C'mon, FOX, make the right call. You know where to find me.

STEVE GUSTAFSON

HONORABLE MENTIONS

ALF - Ponder this. How amazing would it be to have a guy in a furry alien suit giving serious feedback to a singer? Sure he's probably gained some weight, but what better way to re-introduce him to the masses then the giving him the sacred 3rd chair on American Idol? "Hey Willie!"

Joaquin Phoenix - The awkward factor alone makes this worth it. Especially if he has that crazy beard going. He would mumble, scratch this hair a lot, and leave the contestants standing there like, "What did he say? Am I in? Was it good?" Works for me.

Miley Cyrus - This one is for the kids! Hate her or hate her, she gets ratings and more importantly, she makes money. Have you seen how many Hannah Montana backpacks flood the streets at the bus stops in the morning? It's bonkers! Let her do a song every now and then and watch the Cash Train go TOOT TOOT!

THE TOP 5

5. Kimbo Slice

He wouldn't even have to talk. He could do that weird scary stare if he didn't like you and the weirder, scarier grin if he did. Can you image the looks he'd give Randy Jackson or Simon Cowell if they said something he didn't agree with? Plus, at the end of the episodes you can have Kimbo do the voice over for the bumpers, "Next week...on American Idol."

4. Hillary Clinton/Sarah Palin

These two would have to be a packaged deal. Their "gimmick" would be that they would disagree about EVERYONE. So it would pretty much cancel their vote out. BUT the one person they would agree on would be the singer who actually wins. Then you can make a nice little point about how even with all of our differences we can all agree on good music. Run a few PSA's, the government is our friend, blah, blah, blah and you got a nice little storyline right there.

3. Kanye West

Controversy equals ratings! Have him be the villain all season long. He and Simon can be a...two man ego trip, running ragged over the competitors. Then hype up a special episode where he's going to do a concert on American Idol. The big night arrives and Kanye steps on stage and starts to sing but his mic isn't on. He looks confused and looks up to see Taylor Swift, U2, 50 Cent, Britney Spears, Justice and Simian...pretty much everyone he's ever beefed, insulted, or had words with. They go on to perform leaving Kanye on the side. Just as it's ending (big finale, ya'll) West will feel a tap on his shoulders and as he turns around he gets punched in the jaw (Has to get it rewired) and falls to the floor. Looking up he see former United States President George Bush standing over him. Bush says, "Mission accomplished." And end scene. Sounds totally nuts? It is. But then again we are talking about our own fantasy picks for AMERICAN IDOL, so deal with it.

2. Stephen Hawking

Don't laugh! The man is a theoretical physicist. He is well-known for his contributions to the fields of cosmology and quantum gravity. I think he can judge musical talent. Don't let the fact that he's paralyzed in a wheel chair and talks with a voice synthesizer. So what? Get off your high horse. You can't tell me that this wouldn't draw in viewers, especially the intellectual crowd. Plus, you know you would mark out when he dropped the line, "You...are...a...black...hole...of talent."

1. The Iron Sheik

I will guarantee that having the Iron Sheik on American Idol could very well be the greatest event since the supposed Moon Landing. Think about it. The possibilities! Like this one:

Randy Jackson: "Sheiky baby, what did you think dawg?"

Iron Sheik: "You ask me excellent, excellent question. But first...I want to say something to this jabroni, Simon Cower (sic), I want to let you know...that you're a punk, a (censored), worse than Michael Jordan...I mean Jackson. You're lucky punk that I don't break your back...(Getting up out of his chair and yelling) BREAK YOUR BACK...make you hum-bell and then (censored) your (censored)! But I won't do it cause...I'm...I'm...I'm a professional and you're a punk! I could do it, cause let me tell you something. I'm a shooter, man. I can do it. But other than that, good job."

I think we all will agree that this should have been done a long, long time ago.

BRYAN KRISTOPOWITZ

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Bruce Campbell - Well, why not? The man can pretty much do anything, and while he may not have a music background, I'm sure he can fake it. If Michael Knight can get a judge job on a reality show, why not the Surgeon General of Beverly Hills?

Bill Maher - Maher would likely be even more caustic and assholish than Simon Cowell, but Maher would be assholish in a good, entertaining way. Plus, he could get into arguments with all of the super religious contestants, and that would definitely be fun to watch.

Leah Remini - She can be sweet and nice when she wants to be, and she can be nasty and sarcastic, too. I think it would be neat to see which Leah Remini showed up each week. You could gamble on it.

THE TOP 5

5. Bonnie Hunt

If you've ever seen her daytime talk show, you know that Hunt is, above all else, a nice person. She can be funny and sarcastic, but it's all done in a gentle way. I think that's part of what the producers think Ellen will bring to the table. They could have done themselves one better with Hunt. I think she'd also be a nice counterpoint to the asshole monolith that is the other judges. Notice how I keep saying "nice"? That's what the show has always needed. That isn't to say that Hunt wouldn't give constructive criticism, because she would. She just wouldn't be an asshole about it.

4. Bryan Kristopowitz

He's only known by a scant few people on the internets, but if the Idol producers were really looking to shake things up they would have hired Bryan. Why? Because he would provide some of the best four weeks of TV reality game show entertainment in history. Why only four weeks? Because by then the network would have him removed for constantly arguing with the other judges and show host Ryan Seacrest. There'd also be plenty of profanity from Bryan, and that's always fun on live TV, even with a time delay.

3. Oprah Winfrey

Oprah would be a good choice because she's probably the only person in the world that could intimidate Simon Cowell. I'd like to see him squirm a bit. He'd probably also argue more with Seacrest because you know he'd pick up on Cowell's less aggressive attitude and nail him every week.

2. Courtney Love

She's a weird beard loose cannon that also knows something about music. I'm sure her comments and criticisms would be incisive and brilliant (in a reality TV game show kind of way, that is), but her weirdness is what would keep people watching. Weirdness is always fun on TV.

1. Janeane Garofalo

Janeane would be a good choice because she'd probably play ball with the show up until about half way and then she'd go off on how stupid, inane, and lame the show is. I'd love to see that impromptu stand up routine. Plus, Janeane is hot, and that's always a plus when you're on TV. You can never really have enough of that kind of thing.

LEN ARCHIBALD

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The Iron Shiek: Yeah, Shieky-Baby going to town on a terrible singer would be comedic gold. I would love for a contestant to dress up in yellow and black. Good times, man, good times. HUMBLE!

Jessica Alba: Just because. I need more excuses to have her on my television.

Triumph, the Insult Dog: If you don't know why he needs to be a judge on this show, you are dead to me.

THE TOP 5

5. Ozzy Osbourne

With Sharon judging "America's Got (no) Talent", I think this is more of an organic fit. Now, this must be deranged, drugged out, incomprehensible Ozzy, here. Could you imagine an argument between him and Simon? It would be ridiculous, probably culminating with Simon saying, "I have no fucking clue what you're saying."

4. Hal 9000

The evil computer from 2001: A Space Odyssey must have a place! Could you imagine it? That monotone, uber-serious voice coming through…"That was a little pitchy…Dave." Yes, he would call all singers Dave. He would then show off his chops by outsinging another contestant with a stirring rendition of "Daisy".

3. Apu from The Simpsons

"Thank you, come again!" to every terrible wannabe singer that steps through the door. He could even interrupt two or three bars in. The shit writes itself.

2. Courtney Love and Amy Winehouse

This would have to be a package deal. Take Ozzy Osbourne and multiply that by a billion. We may see the first highball on national television. Now that I think of it, get rid of everyone but Simon, and have Courtney, Amy and Ozzy judge. HOLY SHIT! Do it now, FOX! Dooooo iiiiiiiiittt! *shakes fist*

1. Sam Jackson

This speaks for itself. Samuel L. Jackson as an American Idol judge would be a ratings goldmine, entertainment heaven, and give way for some of pop-culture's newest catchphrases – like, "Sing the song, MUTHAFUCKKA!" and "I'm tired of the MUTHAFUKKIN' SNAKES ON THIS MUTHAFUKKIN STAGE!" Hell, just have him quote Ezekiel 25:17 at a terrible singer and watch them shit their pants. Glorious.

That's it for this week. Next time, we'll take a look at the biggest jack-asses in entertainment right now. Until then, follow me on Twitter and check out my personal blog at Night of the Living Trev. Have a great week.