Misunderstood Masterpieces 9.22.09: 10,000 B.C.
Posted by Will Helm on 09.22.2009
...or, What's a Little Anachronism Between Friends?
For much of the history of film, there is a legacy of prehistoric epics . . . most of which also end up being critical and commercial failures. Though Quest for Fire may have been lauded by awards committees and the Ice Age franchise of cartoons rule the box office, they are, by far, the exceptions to the rule. One Million Years B.C. is often criticized for being ahistoric, with humans and dinosaurs existing simultaneously. The Clan of the Cave Bear flopped badly in theaters, earning almost $2, which is merely a fraction of its $15 million budget. Even just this year, the historical melange Year One was savaged by critics and ignored at the box office, yet another in a litany of prehistoric-film failures.
As well, in 2008, yet another very badly received prehistoric film appeared in theaters: 10,000 B.C. – which is, unfortunately, not a sequel to One Million Years B.C.. Starring no one in particular but directed by veteran action helmer Roland Emmerich, 10,000 B.C. did not sit well with critics – or scientists . . . more on that later – but opened well at the box office, taking the #1 spot for it's opening weekend. Perhaps shockingly, 10,000 B.C. did earn back its relatively small $105 million budget – and then some, garnering $300 million worldwide, though only $94 million in the United States. Though impressive, it pales in comparison to 2008's box-office champion, The Dark Knight, which raked in $533 million . . . domestically. Success at the box-office does not a great film make, however, so it remains to be seen if 10,000 B.C. is worthy of its purse or just another Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!
I can't read this without hearing Conan O'Brien's voice in my head.
Deep in the mountains of somewhere, a voice-over reads poetry with an accent. Of course, it isn't just any voice, but that of legendary actor Omar Sharif! While Omar Sharif waxes lyrically, dreadlocked hunters wander around the wasteland. Meanwhile, in a village, a bunch of people worship an elderly woman (Mona Hammond), who grabs a mysterious little girl and shakes her. Evidently, the child abuse causes either the girl or the elderly woman to have visions, after which the elderly woman recites a cryptic prophesy in an unintelligible whisper. That's how everyone there knows it's important.
While the elderly woman pontificates, some kid watches the proceedings and falls madly in love with the little girl, because otherwise there would be no plot for the movie later on. Alas, though the little girl is important according to the elderly woman, the kid's father doesn't believe her, so he leaves the village for no apparent reason. I guess it's against the law to disagree with the elderly woman. A few years later, the kid grows up a bit and his peers mock him for having no father, so he beats them up. Before the tribe can lose a few of its younger members, the kid's stepdad, Tic'Tic – which, hilariously, usually sounds like "Dick Dick" in the dialogue, steps in to break up the melee. Afterward, the kid and the little girl bond a bit and he pledges to always take care of her. Yeah; good luck with that.
Eventually, after many years, the kid grows up to be dreadlocked hunter D'Leh (Steven Strait), who's angling to become an important part of the tribe, even though some younger guy keeps pestering him. Meanwhile, the elderly woman says that something important is coming, so the little girl – who has now grown to be a HOT CHICK (Camilla Belle) – wants to elope with D'Leh. D'Leh, since he still want to prove himself as a hunter – and not a wimpy gatherer – isn't into it.
Before D'Leh and the HOT CHICK can plan a trip to Las Vegas to settle everything sometime later, a herd of mammoth show up and, upon their arrival, the men of the village get all tarted up with face paint and go off to hunt the mammoth . . . which are just standing around. Well, this shouldn't be a difficult hunt. Of course, the hunters, perhaps because efficiency hasn't been invented yet, make the hunt much harder than it needs to be and infiltrate the mammoth, after which Dick Dick causes a stampede. Evidently step one of hunting back then was to make the food run away from you; it's a wonder humanity survived. Amazingly, it's all part of a grand scheme, as the stampede runs right into a gully, where some other hunters spring a trap and catch a mammoth in a net. Mission accomplished!
The film's humble narrator and contract-bridge expert.
Or not, as the mammoth ends up breaking free of the net, dragging the net and the hunters behind it. While the rest of the hunters give up, D'Leh hangs on, mainly because he's stuck in the net, and ends up face-to-face with the mammoth farther in the ravine. The mammoth, looking for a measure of REVENGE, charges D'Leh, but D'Leh intelligently – which is a miracle in that day and age – braces his spear in the ground and uses it to slay the rampaging mammoth. Unfortunately, D'Leh nearly gets crushed in the process, but he lives and claims the village's magic spear and the HOT CHICK in the process. I have to wonder what the consolation prize is, though.
That evening, the village, fat with mammoth meat, has a party, where the HOT CHICK questions D'Leh about something, causing D'Leh to wander off in a tantrum. Dick Dick tries to intervene, but his presence only causes D'Leh to give up the magic spear and the HOT CHICK because he feels guilty for killing the mammoth in an unapproved manner. And here I would've thought that, if the success of the village depended on a fruitful hunt, the ends would justify the means; I never knew ethics was a prehistoric concept. Of course, D'Leh still loves the HOT CHICK, even though his actions seems to prove otherwise.
That night, the elderly woman freaks out in her tent, just as some Vikings show up to pillage the village. Hey! That rhymes! Although I have to wonder just what Vikings are doing in this film, since I believe 10,000 B.C. was a bit early for them. And horseback riding. And many other elements of the film (more on that later). The Prehistoric Vikings, using their strength to their advantage, kill some villagers and then enslave a few others, including the HOT CHICK. Meanwhile, from the periphery, D'Leh and Dick Dick watch helplessly, pretty much because they're prehistoric pusses.
In the aftermath of the raid, the villagers regroup and D'Leh returns to pledge that he will rescue the HOT CHICK from the Vikings, because he really did a great job of it so far. The hunters, who know that D'Leh certainly needs help, join in the quest, as well as the younger guy from earlier, mainly because he wants REVENGE against the Vikings for killing his mother. After the hunters leave, the elderly woman has a seizure back in the village while the hunters find themselves stuck in a snowstorm. Meanwhile, the Vikings take the HOT CHICK back to her old village, of which she is the only survivor. Either these Vikings don't know that or their really, really, REALLY mean.
A few evenings after, the hunters chat around a campfire; elsewhere, the Vikings whip the HOT CHICK, which sounds way hotter than it actually is. Somehow, the Vikings and the hunters stumble into a random jungle – because they just pop up out of nowhere in 10,000 B.C. – where something starts eating the Vikings. As the Vikings are distracted by mysterious horrors of the jungle, the hunters catch up with them and watch, as Dick Dick wants D'Leh to learn patience, even though the HOT CHICK is right there for the rescuing. I have to say: Dick Dick really lives up to his name name.
The next morning, D'Leh's patience runs out, so he stalks into the Vikings' camp and rescues the HOT CHICK. The Vikings, not content to let a HOT CHICK get away so easily, give chase, only to be attacked by GIANT OSTRICHES! Nobody expects the GIANT OSTRICHES! Not even me, honestly. While the Vikings are preoccupied with the GIANT OSTRICHES, D'Leh and the HOT CHICK escape to a tree, from which D'Leh runs away with the GIANT OSTRICHES following. Later in the chase, D'Leh kills a GIANT OSTRICH with a makeshift bamboo spear; thankfully, this time he doesn't whine about it. Alas, while D'Leh is busy slaughtering gargantuan poultry, the Vikings recapture the HOT CHICK, as well as the younger guy and the Vikings aren't terribly happy about the escape attempt.
This is Camilla Belle's "trapped in a box" look.
That evening, D'Leh tends to Dick Dick, who got injured somehow during the fracas and he apologizes for screwing up earlier. Perhaps as a token of atonement, D'Leh runs off to hunt some gazelles for dinner, but, as it seems that D'Leh is just utterly inept at everything, he falls into a pit instead. While the elderly woman freaks out back in the village – since she apparently seems to have some kind of psychic connection to D'Leh, D'Leh fights off a vulture in the pit while a sabertooth tiger thrashes about in some sort of cage. After D'Leh fends off the vultures, but perhaps against his better judgment, D'Leh releases the tiger, which sniffs him before leaping off to freedom.
Much later in the journey, D'Leh and Dick Dick stumble upon a village, from which they steal some food, since there doesn't seem to be anyone around. Of course, the natives aren't terribly happy about this crime, but, before D'Leh and Dick Dick are presumably to be sentenced to a cruel and painful death, the sabertooth tiger shows up out of nowhere to break up the festivities. D'Leh reasons with the (disproportionately) giant animal, which is apparently enough to impress the natives into accepting D'Leh and Dick Dick and not killing them. Well, that's good.
That evening, D'Leh and Dick Dick bond with the natives over dinner and the leader of the natives reveals that D'Leh's father passed through there some time in the recent past, which is why a few of them understand D'Leh and Dick Dick's language, which is really helpful for the plot. After dinner, the natives, who have also lost some of their number to the Vikings, provide exposition for D'Leh and Dick Dick and then join forces on a mission of REVENGE! Meanwhile, farther up the road – presumably, the Vikings stop to rest for a bit and argue about something, but the HOT CHICK breaks it up, even though she probably could have easily escaped at that point. She may be a HOT CHICK, but I guess she's not the brightest bulb in prehistory either. Then again, bulbs didn't exist yet, so that metaphor may not be entirely valid.
Somewhere in Kenya or Sudan – because this movie is a little murky with its geography, D'Leh, Dick Dick, and the natives meet up with some other natives and form a giant Native Army, just in time to find the Vikings and their captives sailing up the Nile. D'Leh is really batting 1.000 when it comes to being utterly inept. While the Vikings put some space between themselves and the Native Army, D'Leh elects to follow through the desert, even though most of the accompanying natives think this is a bad idea. However, since they're already along for the ride, the natives follow D'Leh into the Sahara and immediately they start dropping dead. That's great leadership, D'Leh.
Sadly, the film avoids this type of cross-promotion.
On their boat, the leader of the Vikings (Ben Badra) tells the HOT CHICK that D'Leh is doomed because no one survives crossing the desert. The Viking chief is proven wrong later, however, as D'Leh, who finally does something successfully, finds the North Star in the sky and uses it to navigate the Native Army through the desert, which causes the elderly woman to go catatonic back in the village. After following the North Star for an indeterminate amount of time, the Native Army finally finds the Vikings . . . in Giza, Egypt, where the pyramids are being built about 8,000 years prior to reality. Dum-dum-DUMB!
While the Native Army plots its next move, the Vikings drop off the slaves and the new slaves – there to build the pyramids, of course, with the help of geographically incorrect mammoths – learn that the Vikings and the Egyptians may or may not be aliens or from Atlantis. Or, even, aliens from Atlantis. Oh, whatever movie. Zahi Hawass laughs at you. Anyway, before the slaves get comfortable, the Pharaoh has one of them killed, just for motivational purposes. Those are some seriously hardcore management skills.
That night, a few members of the Native Army infiltrate the compound and D'Leh meets with a blind prophet – since they were pretty common back then – who provides exposition regarding the Vikings and the Pharaoh. And, just because the movie doesn't want to forget this plot point, the blind prophet also knew D'Leh's dad. Later, back at the Native Army's base camp, D'Leh tries to come up with a plan, but the army is discovered by a team of Viking scouts. Before the Viking scouts can return to Giza and bring the full power of the Pharaoh's forces upon the Native Army, Dick Dick pops up out of nowhere to kill them . . . and get killed himself in the process. Oops. Well, Dick Dick, hopefully your death won't be in vain and D'Leh can get over his case of ineptitude, especially since you gave him the magic spear before you croaked.
The next day, the Viking chief, believing D'Leh and his compatriots to be dead somewhere in the desert, buys the HOT CHICK off the slavemaster. Before he can consummate his purchase, his second-in-command rats him out and gets him arrested. Ooh . . . insubordination! Somehow, in the process, the Pharaoh's priests check out the HOT CHICK's hands and discover an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT: she has scars shaped like the constellation Orion, the hunter – which I'm sure is supposed to be some kind of profound connection to D'Leh or something, which fulfills some prophecy and does not bode well for the Pharaoh, who freaks out . . . or at least as much as an alien from Atlantis can.
The most famous thing about One Million Years B.C. and perhaps the HOT CHICK's ancestor.
Back in the desert, D'Leh mourns the death of Dick Dick until the leader of the native tribes gives him a pep talk, which eventually leads to D'Leh rallying the Native Army into action. Their first step: they disguise themselves as slaves and sneak into the compound, hopefully with something awesome and exciting on their minds, since the movie has been lacking in both those qualities so far. While the Pharaoh has his priests tortured for no reason in particular, D'Leh and his cohorts sabotage the mammoths and, after a few unsuccessful attempts – it is D'Leh, after all, cause a stampede down from the pyramids and onto the guards. Upon seeing this, the rest of the slaves revolt and mass hysteria runs wild in Giza as a result.
Learning of the rebellion totally messing up his itinerary, the Pharaoh order the HOT CHICK to be executed, but, beforehand, he makes a rare appearance outside of his temple and tells D'Leh to get lost. D'Leh, proving that he may be history's first wuss, says that he's willing to bargain with the Pharaoh, as long as he can have the HOT CHICK and his people. The Pharaoh doesn't mind this arrangement, until D'Leh asks about everyone else and the Pharaoh tells him that they'll all stay behind and work. D'Leh isn't pleased with this answer, so he kills the Pharaoh, since that was pretty much how diplomacy worked back then.
With the Pharaoh now dead, chaos overtakes Giza once again and, in the midst of it all, the Viking chief breaks free and runs off with the HOT CHICK. D'Leh, not content to stick around and help the Native Army vanquish the rest of the Vikings/Egyptians/Atlanteans/aliens, chases after the Viking chief and his betrothed. He needn't have bothered, though, as the HOT CHICK grabs an arrow from the Viking chief's quiver and stabs him with it, freeing herself from his clutches. The HOT CHICK, now unfettered, runs toward D'Leh, but, before she can catch up to him, the Viking chief recovers and shoots her in the back with an arrow. D'Leh responds to this treachery by stabbing the Viking chief in the crotch with the magic spear, leaving enough time for him to watch the HOT CHICK die in his arms.
Oh screw you, movie. Nearly two hours of wasting my time and you kill off the HOT CHICK anyway? If I didn't rent this DVD, I'd seriously want my money back.
Oh, wait . . . there's still some time left? Let's see how much more D'Leh's life can suck. Hopefully the Pharaoh wasn't actually his father. That would serious be the cherry on the crap cake. Thankfully, that isn't the case, but, back in the village, the elderly woman dies. Bwahahahaha! Sucks to be you, D'Leh. Or not, as, somehow, the elderly woman's life force preposterously flies all the way over to Egypt, where it brings the HOT CHICK back to life, although now she's pretty much doomed to be possessed by the elderly woman. D'Leh doesn't seem to mind, though, so everyone leaves Giza triumphant and heads home, where D'Leh and the HOT CHICK grow some grass and live happily ever after. At least until D'Leh screws up royally again.
I honestly can't figure out just how 10,000 B.C. earned as much money as it did. To say it isn't very good is an understatement, whether factually or cinematically. Although it runs almost two hours, I feel like nothing actually happens in the film other than two guys with dreadlocks wandering around, interspersed with anachronistic prehistoric creatures and Omar Sharif explaining everything. The special effects are mediocre and the action is subpar, which is shocking, considering those are often Roland Emmerich's strengths. That proves to not be the case, as perhaps Emmerich was too busy trying to be too clever for his own good, as much of the anachronism were sly references to prehistoric legends and counter-theories . . . few, if any, the average viewer would know. In summation, 10,000 B.C. is nothing more than a waste of time – set in no time in particular – and a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week for aliens and . . . sigh . . . more Vikings. Honestly, I didn't plan for this to happen. But, after that, it's Horror-Movie Mania 2009! See you then!
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