A Fool's Utopia 9.24.09: The Weekend Chronicles

Posted by Ron Martin on 09.24.2009

This week in one man's utopia I take you on my trip to Orlando while discussing the taming of the vampire, massive amounts of food and the pitiful performance of Jennifer's Body. For those that stay for the credits, we look at the season opener for the Office, cracks in the foundation of Destination Truth and my favorite Punky Brewster episode. Don't get caught in the Crossfire!

This week was a strange week. Beginning with last Wednesday, I took a long weekend off from the ol' job and headed down to Florida to give all my money to a mouse for a few days. Why? I still don't know. It seemed like the right thing to do when the woman talked me into it.

One good thing came out of the trip….I chronicled my adventures right here in this column complete with movies/TV/pop culture observations of my choosing. How amazingly convenient!

Wednesday



On my way to what is loving referred to by its fans as "The World," we stop for the night in Manchester, TN. It could be a sleepy little town or even a medium sized town looking for an identity. I wouldn't know because all I saw was the inside of a Wal-Mart, a Marathon and a Sleep Inn that serves free beer between 5:30 and 7:30. Despite the woman trying to convince me that the hotel didn't have cable, I watched my first episode of True Blood here. It was alright. I've never seen it so I wasn't invested in the storylines or characters, but it did force me to bemoan the downfall of the vampire as a horror icon. There was a time when the image/mere presence of a vampire would strike fear in the heart of mortals. Sure, you had your occasional vampire folly or sexual undertones, but it always ended in gruesome death – of either the human or the vampire. At this point, the vampire has been relegated to a gimmick to sell a product.

PITCHMAN: I have an idea for a new teen dramedy. It will be magnificently magnificent.

CLUELESS EXEC: I may be stupid, but even I know the teen dramedy is played out.

PITCHMAN: You didn't hear me out…the teens…are vampires! Ooooh….spooky.

CLUELESS EXEC: Brilliant! Think of the ratings. Teens love vampires.

Oy.

Please leave werewolves alone.

Thursday
Spent half the day on 75 S and the other half in Downtown Disney. Two things came out of today. 1) I have a new favorite billboard of all time.



2) I will never be as cool as Adam Richman. A friend and myself were planning on recreating Adam's Man vs. Food Las Vegas challenge by making his wife pony up to seven pound burritos with the same ingredients that Adam could not finish on the second episode of season two. Adam, I will no longer think I can do the things you can not. Why? After a ten hour travel day with four more at Downtown Disney tacked on, I hadn't eaten anything more sustainable than a small back of Cool Ranch Doritos all day and was starving when we sat down at one of the Disney hotels for their Canyon Skillet, which was bottomless.



Included was all I could eat of corn on the cob, BBQ beans, mashed potatoes, salad, cornbread, fried chicken, BBQ brisket, ribs, pulled pork and milkshakes. I ate one serving of everything and the KO ‘x' showed up in my eyes. Seven pound burrito? Forget it. Food definitely wins this battle.


Friday
Attended Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party and I got to tell you, it's not so scary. Disney does a great job of changing the atmosphere in the Magic Kingdom with lighting (almost all orange, purple and greens), various interruptions from the Ghost Host throughout the night and theming Halloween music for each "land." A lot of Disney villains get their piece of the spotlight only during these parties.



Afterwards, I paid $10 for 24 hour access to a computer back at the hotel. A quick check of 411 allows me to see that Jennifer's Body is already pacing itself for a disappointing opening weekend, thus supplying one answer from my Questions that Need Answers column from two weeks ago. Under $10 million is pretty abysmal even if there was some pretty good competition. If Megan Fox is a quarter as famous as she thinks she is, $10 million should have been no problem for the opening weekend. On top of that the movie got terrible reviews, including a 3.5 right here at 411mania.

I didn't expect the movie to beat out Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, but I did expect a little better showing than this. I guess being a hot diva who can't shut up long enough for America to like her was so 2007.

Saturday
Started the day in the Disney Hollywood Studios, hit all the major stuff we wanted before jumping over to Epcot at noon. You can't any part of a day at the Studios without riding the Great Movie Ride. My trip was no exception. For your snarking pleasure, I have ranked the movies showcased in the Great Movie Ride from my favorite to least favorite (though there aren't any in there that I don't like).




1. The Wizard of Oz
2. Raiders of the Lost Ark
3. Alien
4. Fantasia
5. Public Enemy
6. Mary Poppins
7. Casablanca
8. Singing in the Rain
9. Tarzan the Ape Man
10. Footlight Parade

It was pretty much a toss up between the top two, but I went with Wizard because I just feel like there are more moments in that movie that are awe-inspiring and give you the feel that something special is happening. Not that Raiders doesn't have that going for it, just that Wizard has more.

Sunday
Completing the rounds, we spent the day in the Animal Kingdom where my favorite ride is Dinosaur, but the big attraction is Expedition Everest, a roller coaster ride through a mini-version of Mt. Everest where the Yeti lurks inside. The entire ride from the queue line to completion is ridiculously impressive. While waiting, the queue line winds through a Yeti Museum. Most of the stuff in here is dank and old looking; some of it real, some it (I think) fabricated, but as you walk out of the museum one bright colored photo stands out. It's a picture of Josh Gates holding up his Yeti footprint. Ah, the good old days….uhm, day where Josh's team actually found something newsworthy.



They've never promoted this footprint find on the show after the episode aired. They go to locations that involve three days of travel only to spend one night investigating. I am beginning to believe that they don't want to actually find proof of anything. They are almost ashamed of that footprint. Maybe that's why they've been bringing in the cast from Ghost Hunters, to quell any fears that Destination Truth might be legit. TAPS never finds anything more paranormal than tricks to get new ratings or free advertising for their hotel/business. I really think that DT is hurt by the various TAPS appearances (First Jason and Grant, then Tango and Steve with Kris and Amy rumored for a future episode). By letting them guest on the show, Josh is opening himself up to all of the criticisms that TAPS gets regularly on top of the criticisms DT gets regularly. At least Josh should take them to task for bailing on the Halloween show this year, thus negating him a payday for hosting said show. I used to like Destination Truth, but with its constant running away from potential evidence, it was treading a thin line. The association with Ghost Hunters pretty much took it off my "must see" every week list.

What do I know? The show is getting its highest ratings yet, so someone is happy.


Monday
Back home after driving another ten hours, I wanted to get caught up on some season premieres and watch my Colts on Monday Night Football. Seeing as the Colts had the ball for less than 15 minutes, it wasn't hard to turn my head to watch the first episode of Season Six of The Office…and we're off to a mediocre start.



"Gossip" wasn't terrible, but at no point did I laugh out loud. That's the true measure of how funny something is, isn't it? If you're watching alone, something has to be really funny to get you to laugh out loud. The closest this episode came was when Michael tried to talk to Stanley's wife. Unfortunately, it looks like Jim and Pam are going to dominate this season. Here's hoping that there's enough Michael, Dwight, Kevin and Andy to offset these two. I like the interns. Too bad they were a one off. Then again, I thought Erin was going to be a one off as well. If they're going to keep her around, they need to get her into a storyline or two. Not a great debut, but still better than most everything else that's on TV. I have a tendency to hold The Office to a higher standard.

On a side note, I may have gotten murdered in both my fantasy leagues, but the Colts won and the Patriots lost, so my week is complete.

I end the week on Monday because Tuesday is pretty uneventful consisting of me working both of my jobs and trying to get a good portion of this column done in between serving $1 beers and minderaser shots. Thus, my journey ends here. Onto other things!

--- Have you ever tried to order a Zima? Do you still expect to see cartoons on TV on Saturday mornings? Do you still have a house phone? If so, it may be time for you to take in a little RETRO.

Today, I'd like to preview the kind of things I will be doing to get me in the Halloween mood for the next 30+ days. One a day for this column. It can be as small as watching a scary movie or as grand as proving that ghosts exist. I know no boundaries and have no shame all at the same time.

For a preview, I re-watched my favorite episode of Punky Brewster on youtube. I hadn't watched it in well over 20 years, but it was the only episode I actually remembered. Entitled "The Perils of Punky," the episode acted as the Halloween episode for Season Two of Punky Brewster.

This will get you started.



For those of you too cool to hit the link, Punky and friends go on a camping trip. Like always, the four yutes get separated and start telling scary stories around a campfire. Before you know it, the kids are wondering through a haunted cave complete with psychedelic like effects and a guy who is chopped into pieces, yet somehow still lives. And they say the sitcoms of the eighties were squeaky clean. You wouldn't see something like this on kids TV today. Some old lady would have a heart attack and soil her pants at the very sight. As the episode moves on, the kids disappear one at a time except, of course, for Punky who must convince the lost Indian Princess (who amazingly looks just like Punky…hmmm.) that she comes in peace. Meanwhile her friends have been turned into spiders and bats. Fun?

I was a fan of Punky back in the day. We were around the same age, so I had that going for me. I also wanted to wear two different shoes, not because I was rebellious, but it seemed easier to me to put on the first two shoes I found as oppose to trying to find two that matched Now, I am a fan of Punky…for different reasons. Grown up reasons, right?
Speaking of being a grown up, I was probably a bit over the intended age for the game Crossfire when the commercials were running hardcore in the early 90s, but hey, I had lots of younger cousins (trust me – lots) and someone has to teach these young punks a lesson. It was this commercial that drew me to the game.



I was and am still amazed that "sometime in the future" they can create skateboards that levitate, but they still haven't come up with a way to improve on the Crossfire. You're still shooting marbles out of a plastic gun at the marble encased in plastic in the middle of the rink to get it into your opponent's goal. It tickles my brain while still giving me the safety of the present I so desire. To top it off, nothing says futuristic battle of Crossfire death like the lead chords to that spooky song that plays in every low budget horror movie every made. It makes me happy and intrigued all at once.



Crossfire has been around in some version for like 50 years or some junk – it's probably still around today. Never has it had the advertising it had in the early 90s. I notice they failed to highlight the constant escaping of the rink the little metal ball was so good at doing. Oh well, with only 30 seconds you can't get to everything.

Forgotten Music Video

Walk The Dinosaur




I had forgotten how much I liked this video. In keeping with the Disneyworld theme of today's column, it should be noted that there is an area devoted solely to dinosaurs in the Animal Kingdom. Guess who's collecting royalty checks for having their song be one of about ten on a constant loop in this section of the park? If you said Was (Not Was), then give yourself a self high-five, a pat on the back and go into the kitchen and grab yourself a cookie. Chocolate chip, if you got it. When variety shows make a huge comeback, all of my energy and soul will be focused on making the Was (Not Was) Comedy Hour a reality. One thing I take away from this video: Cheerleaders/dancers need to dress like cavewomen more often. It's a highly underrated fantasy costume.

Random Shot from Random SNES game I owned

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

September 24, 1986

#1 Song

Huey Lewis The News lyrics

Huey Lewis & The News - Stuck With You Video - Huey Lewis The News Music Videos

Music Videos by VideoCure

"Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis

Huey vs. A shark!!

#1 Album



Top Gun soundtrack

#1 Movie



Top Gun

I must leave you now.