The 411 Movies Top 5 9.25.09: Week 184 - Top 5 Biggest Jackasses in Entertainment

Posted by Trevor Snyder on 09.25.2009

Obama already called out Kanye West as a "jackass," but who else do the 411 crew think are worthy of the title? Considering how shallow and useless a lot of entertainment figures seem to be, you know the folks on these lists must be a special kind of horrible.



How do you know you're a true jackass? How about when none other than the President of the United States himself says so? Not many of us will ever know how that feels, but Kanye West does, following President Obama's off-the-cuff remarks regarding West's interruption of Taylor Swift's VMA speech.

Obviously you're familiar with the incident of which I speak, given that it pretty much dominated the news and blog world the day after it happened (as if there wasn't more important stuff going on around the globe). It got me to thinking…who would I not mind calling a jackass to the whole world, if given the chance? I decided to present the same question to my fellow 411-ers. We might not be the President, but Len Archibald, Steve Gustafson, and I still have some ideas about just who are:

THE TOP 5 BIGGEST JACKASSES IN ENTERTAINMENT

TREVOR SNYDER

5. Joe Jackson

Dude used a press conference about his son's death to promote his brand-new record label. I mean…c'mon. I'm fairly certain I don't really have to write any more justification for this one.

4. Megan Fox

This one is kinda tough, because Fox is actually the only person on my list that I like. I mean, there's the obvious beauty, but as she recently showed in Jennifer's Body, there's some talent there, too. I'm not claiming she's the next great actress or anything, but I think she's got just enough chops to enjoy a sorta mid-level career – and there's nothing wrong with that. But it's hard to argue to that lately Fox is probably hurting her chances of even having that, thanks to her increasingly bone-headed public statements and general bitchy demeanor. Some of this is understandable – a couple years ago she was a nobody, but then suddenly was thrust into the "hottest woman alive" spotlight. It would probably be tough for any girl not to become at least a little bit of a bitch after that. I also think that Fox is often trying to play the "bad girl" character in her interviews, trying to live up to an image she thinks people want to see her conform to. Still, "understandable" is a lot different than "forgivable." If she wants to be more than just a huge flash in the pan, she needs to stop doing interviews where she says "shocking" things, learn some humility (real humility, not that fake "I think I'm awesome but I'll at least say I'm normal like everyone else" humility), and maybe just concentrate on some smaller parts in a few ensemble pieces for awhile. Her career will obviously be much better off if people don't continue to see her as nothing more than an overexposed bitch.

3. Lindsay Lohan

Of course, as annoying as Megan Fox may be, at least she's not this much of a train-wreck. It's one thing to say stupid things, another to completely demolish what could have been a promising career. For a while, I thought Lohan's drugged-out escapades might just be a phase, and she would eventually turn it around and finally make another movie that showed off the same skill she exhibited in Mean Girls. I suppose that's still a possibility, but I'm getting sick of waiting for it. Just as I'm getting sick of regularly hearing about Lohan's idiot antics, like taking her young sister out to clubs, or her constant arguments with on-again/off-again girlfriend Samantha Ronson. It's just such a waste of potential. Sure, she's going to appear in Robert Rodriguez' Machete, but do you think it's even dawned on her that he probably cast her more for shock value than for any validation of her talent? Of course it hasn't.

2. Lady Gaga

Let's just put aside her crappy music for the moment – it's not really that good, but it's also not that much different from plenty of other acts out there right now. And that's just it – it's not Gaga's music that has made her as famous as she is. It's her ridiculous persona. Ohhh, she's so weird and shocking! But, as many have already pointed out, it's not really that hard to be shocking in the way that Lady Gaga is. She's not really making any sort of artistic statements with what she's doing…she's simply wearing stupid outfits. The stupider the better. Pretty much anyone could do that, but the reason most singers don't is because they can simply rely on their talent to get by. Lady Gaga has to turn herself into a sort of walking freak show in order to earn attention. There are a lot of people who believe she's being a trailblazer or some sort of free-spirit, but I don't buy it. I think it's an extremely-calculated effort to drum up attention and keep people talking about her even after realizing her music is nothing special. The fact that it works is a sorry statement about our culture, but what are you going to do? For starters, how about just ignoring her?

1. Jon and Kate

There was a time when I really paid attention to the lives of celebrities. I watched shows like Extra and Entertainment Weekly, I read magazines like US Weekly and Star. Eventually, though, I realized what a waste of time it all was, and have since really gotten away from such things. Obviously, it's tough to live in the U.S. (not to mention write for a Movie/TV site) without still having some sort of general idea of what's going on in pop-culture, but I pride myself on knowing (and seeking out) far less about celebrities private lives than I once did. And that's how I know when someone is too overexposed…because I still can't get the hell away from them, even though I am actively trying. For instance, I have never once watched a single episode of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, never read a single article about them, and have seen only a few news-reports about their lives. And yet I feel like I know everything about them and their recent "troubles." From what I can tell, both are just insufferable a-holes, which is at least a somewhat refreshing change from the usual cases where you kinda feel bad for one of the people in the broken marriage. At least that's not a problem here…although instead you have to feel bad for eight small children whose lives are clearly going to be f'd up because their parents thought it would be a great idea to put them in a TV show and then air all of their dirty laundry out in the public eye. Can't we all just agree the world would be better off if the kids were taken away from these yahoos? At least then the kids would have a fighting chance.

LEN ARCHIBALD

HONORABLE MENTION

Vince McMahon: I don't need to go into detail about this one. Pretty much every known member of the wrestling industry (including the man himself) has confirmed that the "Mr. McMahon" character is really the WWE Chairman with the volume turned way up. I bet if you turn that dial to "1", he's still a bigger jackass than 90% of the known universe.

THE TOP 5

5. Gordon Ramsey

Now, this is more of a guilty pleasure than anything. I remember watching the first season of Hell's Kitchen and thought this would never survive to see a second. I was wrong, and somehow…I'm happy? I just LOVE watching him knock some wannabe Wolfgang Puck on their keyster for the most obvious of things. He's a jackass, the stereotypical British shitstormer, but at least he's entertaining. That's more I can say for…

4. Piers Morgan

I could really make the case for any of the judges for America's Got (no) Talent, but while The HOFF is just…Creepy and Sharon is the spawn of Satan, I have to go with Mr. Morgan. I know all of these shows need the stereotypical "pompous British asshole", but Piers takes it to a new level every time he opens his mouth. Simon Cowell may be King Douchebag, but at least he's entertaining and has tongue firmly placed in cheek about it. Piers is neither funny, witty, insightful or entertaining. He's just a collection of bones, muscle, skin and IDIOCY.

3. Jon & Kate

Dear Jon and Kate,

You're scum. You think you're entitled to millions and fame because you make BABIES? There's a Chris Rock joke that comes to my mind about people who believe they should be applauded for TAKING CARE OF THEIR KIDS. Then you treat each other like shit, make the world watch it unfold, cheat on each other, make the world watch the aftermath of THAT, and you STILL want more money to "support the children". Children who have NO SAY in all of this and with the cameras that's surrounded them all their lives, have probably screwed them up beyond belief. You suck, you fail, you represent everything wrong with the current culture of celebrity in the Western world. Why are the crazies entertaining thoughts of assassinating our President, when it would serve the planet to off you two wastes of spaces instead? Shit, I'll write them a check to do it. It will bounce, but I will write it anyways.

Love,

Len Archibald

2. Tiffany "New York" Pollard

You willingly perpetuate and embrace every negative stereotype for all to see. You make it hard AND easy for me to make a case about harmony and peace among people of all types. Hard, because I share your pigment, so I have to deal with those who aren't smart enough to separate your actions and dubassary with me and others like me who just work hard, help others, have a sense of BASIC ENGLISH VOCABULARY. Easy, because I barely need to put in any effort to others who can move on from basic ignorance to show that you don't represent me just by waking up and EARNING my paycheck every day. But keep on pretending you represent "strong black women". I hope a REAL strong black woman knocks you off your "famous for being famous" entitled dumbass soon.

1. All Political Pundits

Glenn Beck, Campbell Brown, Lou Dobbs, Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann, Bill O'Reilly and others in your "profession" – you are all on notice: We don't need your "opinion as news/opinion as fact" asshat views to push your political and personal agenda onto the masses. You may have a set audience that is too stupid to actually check through the ridiculous claims you make about…Everything, but there is a chunk of us that see right through your "keep the people divided and labelled to profit" bullshit. YOU are the reason that the "truthers" and "birthers" are seen as "legit" groups when 25 years ago both would be shunned for being the nutcases they are. YOU are the reason America can't overcome the failed two-party system and don't allow other voices to be heard. YOU are the reason that people are incapable of actually debating issues instead of arguing about them and YOU are the reason that this country will continue to be divided based on race, class, gender, religion, education, geography, economic and socio-political "values". When you – and the likes of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Rush Limbaugh all DIE, this country and this planet will be better off. If hell exists, I truly hope there is a special circle for ALL of you to burn in where you have to actually LISTEN to the constant diarehha you spit to each other. You're the worse kind of conspiracy theorists – the kind that actually has some clout, a platform and puppetmasters behind you to spit your BS. You could use your influence to spark INTELLIGENT debate and discussion about issues that matter in our country, but you would rather cater to the backwoods hicks, white-collar theorists, welfare kings and queens and the overall ignorant, bottom-feeding minority of this country to justify their twisted beliefs and further line your pockets with the cold hard cash. Fuck you, fuck your sheepish audience, fuck your political "beliefs", fuck your "values", fuck your false outrage and fuck your superiors that actually think you do a good job because of "ratings". I would curse your families, but with the state of the country in its current climate, they're already fucked. THANKS![/end rant]

STEVE GUSTAFSON

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Paris Hilton - She's become a joke for so long that she's now just accepted for who she is. Which I find completely mind blowing! I don't even have to list why she's on the list...she celebrates the fact she's a jackass. Ladies and gentlemen, meet our Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Carlos Mencia - I will never miss an opportunity to bust on this joke stealing fiend. Never been fun. Never will be funny.

Wilmer Valderrama - Why is he still around? Seriously. Why?

THE TOP 5

5. Dustin Diamond

This might seem like an odd choice but let me explain. See, when you say the name Dustin Diamond the first image that pops into your head is Screech. Made famous on the beloved Saved By the Bell, Screech was the nerdy sidekick who was harmless and fondly remembered. In order to hold onto that sliver of fame, Dustin Diamond has sequestered himself into the lowest of valleys, and become a true jackass while wringing out every drop of attention he can muster. Here are some highlights: In 2001, Diamond released the video Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess in which he shows various techniques for becoming a better chess player dressing as Screech, Liberace and Al Jolson-style black face. Serious. On the fifth season of Celebrity Fit Club, Diamond proved to be a douche by showing his true personality, refusing to change his diet, using diet pills as a crutch, quitting in physical challenges, and his lack of respect and common courtesy towards his cast mates. Have you seen his stand up comedy routine? Horrible. The average 411mania reader could do a better job. The crown jewel has to be in 2008, Diamond signed a deal to write a tell-all book about the "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying" during his stint on Saved By the Bell. Dustin has proven himself to be a jackass of the worst kind. Disloyal. Dishonorable. And if you've seen his sex tape. Disgusting.

4. Joseph McGinty Nichol AKA McG

You probably thought I was going to say Michael Bay, huh? Sorry, as much as Transformers 2 is garbage, Mr. Bay is actually a good guy. A good guy that makes sometimes unwatchable trash. But let's talk about Joseph McGinty Nichol or McG, as he wants to be known. Anyone who gives himself the nickname "McG" is an automatic ass. There's no gray area. Ass. I'm not even going to list his directing contributions to back up my claims at the chance someone might lower the steps from the attic and come out to defend him. (By the way, you like how I changed it up to attic instead of basement? I thought it was nice.) I don't believe he's creative but that's not why he's on here. Have you read or heard him in interviews? He's borderline delusional. But the main reason he is on here it because of one Mr. Bill Murray. If Bill doesn't like him, that's good enough for me! Murrary head-butted the director and nearly broke his nose. Joseph confirmed it saying, "I don't think there's been a film I've made where there hasn't been some kind of physical fight. I mean, I've been head-butted by an A-list star. Square in the head. An inch later and my nose would have been obliterated. I probably shouldn't (reveal who it was). But it was Bill Murray. Y'know, it's a passionate industry." No, Joseph. You're just a jackass. I should note that I had director Uwe Boll on here but not enough people know or care who he is to warrant a spot. Give him time. He'll either end up here or disappear from Hollywood all together. My wish is the latter.

3. Lindsay Lohan

Realistically I could put the WHOLE LOHAN CLAN on here. But since the root of evil stems from this redheaded vixen, she's gets top billing. Where to begin? Her relationships? (From Aaron Carter to Samantha Ronson...YIKES!) Car accidents? (At least 5 in 5 years, but who's counting?) DUIs? (And booked on a felony charge of possession of cocaine to boot!) Rehabilitation attempts? (All for the camera and to give the appearance she was trying to change.) Family? (Her mom and dad are reprehensible.) Poor work ethic? (Pretending to be sick, consistent tardiness.) Acting? (Even in strong ensemble casts, she is the weak link.) Singing? (The studio can only do so much to fix a voice.) I'm afraid I wouldn't have the space to go into detail about any of the mentioned slights against our senses with this woman. Historians will look back at this time and be truly perplexed by the success and attention that this untalented, pampered, and confused person has had. I know I am.

2. Joe Francis

You know him as the creator of Girls Gone Wild. I know him as a jackass that barely can claim to be a man. I'm not even going to list him numerous legal problems. I'm not going to talk about his tax issues. Could I bring up some assault charges he's had? Sure. From Claire Hoffman being thrown around to the numerous girls he's harassed and verbally assaulted...which doesn't make it on film. But this isn't about that. I'm talking about Francis himself. Besides my number one pick, I can't think of anyone I would like to give a beat down more to than Joey Francis. He sets himself up to be a modern Hugh Hefner when in reality he's nothing more than an ass with a camera. THIS is what happens when a guy grows up a punk and doesn't get his ass kicked. This could have all been averted with a couple of good kicks and punches. One thing that can always bring a smile to my face is in January 2004 Francis was kidnapped from his Bel Air home by a would-be blackmailer, Darnell Riley. Riley first put a revolver up to Francis's head and duct-taped his hands behind his back. He was first videotaped, lying on a bed with his shirt off and a vibrating dildo at the crest of buttocks, repeating "My name is Joe Francis, I'm from Boys Gone Wild and I like it in the ass." I know I shouldn't praise this type of crime, it's nothing to make light of, but cut me some slack.

1. Spencer Pratt

Reality television has spawned a number of unlikeable creatures. But one stands tall above all others as the lowest of the low. One who's continued existence is a blight on humanity and we will be judged by our continuing acceptance of him on our newsstands, internet sites, and television sets. I'm talking about Spencer Pratt. First appearing on our television screens in 2005, he's wormed his way over and over to remain in the limited spotlight a reality personality receives. I've made it no secret that I would fight him, MMA style, for charity. I would gladly do what millions would love to do. Remember, this is a person who has never done one thing to contribute something positive to society. If he has, then it's for the good of the cameras, and not with good intent. So, I'm asking you, write, email, call MTV and tell them that YOU want Spencer Pratt to do the right thing and fight Steve Gustafson. It could be the best thing you do today. Thank you.

MTV
1515 Broadway, 14th Floor
New York, NY 10036
212-258-8000

Next week, we begin a month of Halloween themed Top 5's, as we take a look at the best heroes in horror movie history. See you then.