Misunderstood Masterpieces 9:29.09: Outlander Star Slammer
Posted by Will Helm on 09.29.2009
...or, Because I Don't Feel Like Watching Any More Movies with Vikings and/or Viking-Like Characters
I have to confess something: I'm sick of Vikings. For the past two weeks, I've been "treated" to films featuring Vikings or Egyptians who appear to be Vikings. I've had enough. No more. Imagine my surprise, then, when I looked at the description of 2008's Outlander – the film I planned on doing this week – and discovered this, via Netflix:
Fleeing an interstellar war, Kainan (James Caviezel) crashes on the shores of Norway during the Iron Age. An extraterrestrial monstrosity called the Moorwen also survives the crash, and begins cutting a bloody swath of destruction through the Norwegian countryside. Armed with the high-tech weaponry of his planet, Kainan teams up with the Vikings to end the Moorwen's rampage.
Great. More Vikings. Unfortunately, since I put a personal moratorium on Vikings in this column between last week and this week, I refuse to watch Outlander . . . and I get the feeling my readership won't mind. Right? Didn't think so.
This is what happens when I raid Netflix's "Watch Instantly" feature.
As a worthy substitute, I decided to see if I could find something interesting on Netflix's "Watch Instantly" feature – which I do have linked to my Xbox 360 because I'm awesome. Though I do admit I was looking for Ninja Cheerleaders – which I will do one of these days; I promise, I stumbled upon a film too awesome to be ignored: Star Slammer! Though filmed in 1984, this wonderful piece of cinema wasn't released until 1987 for reasons totally unknown to anyone – and I don't feel like investigating further because it's late and I'm lazy. Directed by professional wrestler and B-movie mogul Fred Olen Ray, Star Slammer stars absolutely no one in particular and is utterly and totally nondescript, except for the awesome – and strangely suggestive – title. Of course, that makes it an ideal substitute Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . but does it stack up with the rest of them? Let's find out!
Somewhere, a chick is chained up and a toaster on wheels sasses at her while a chick with an eye-patch (Dawn Wildsmith) puts leeches on the chained chick. Hmm . . . I'm getting the feeling this is a sci-fi women-in-prison flick. Not that I mind. After the chained chick endures the bloodletting, the sassy toaster orders her to be tortured further, this time with a charcoal barbecue grill! Dum-dum-DUM! Unfortunately, I don't get to find out how this turns out, as the film shifts directly to the credits, with an opening orchestral piece that sounds like the themes from Star Wars and Indiana Jones mated and had a retarded kid. Even more disturbing than the awful strains of the Two-Bit Symphony Orchestra is the full title of the film, revealed at the end of the credits: The Adventures of Taura Prison Ship Star Slammer. Note the lack of punctuation; that's probably quite indicative of the experience I'm in for. But at least there's no Vikings.
Meanwhile, deep in the Menstrual Nebula, on the planet Arous – which sounds like a gag from the upcoming film Gentlemen Broncos, an old rabbi wanders around and stares at the sun. Oy vey that can't be healthy. While the old rabbi damages his retinas, swarthy hobbits emerge from the surrounding forest and follow along accompanied by wacky music. After a few moments, the old rabbi must hear the wacky music, so he turns around and tries to reason with the swarthy hobbits; before some sort of detente can be reached, a HOT jungle CHICK – the (sort of) titular Taura (Sandy Brooke) – appears and . . . feeds the old rabbi dinner? OK, whatever. While the old rabbi and Taura have some dinner, she insults the swarthy hobbits, who don't seem to mind, probably because they get to ogle a HOT CHICK. HOT CHICKS do soothe emotional wounds, after all.
The star of Star Slammer, in one of her finer moments.
Taura and the old rabbi's respite is short-lived, unfortunately, as a "futuristic" car full of evil tax collectors drives up; before the tax collectors disembark, the rabbi reveals, randomly, that there's a rebellion afoot against the evil tax collectors. Taura, who evidently has better things on her mind – like how to perm her hair in the forest, doesn't care. Of course, that doesn't explain why she disappears when a guy from Dune (Ross Hagen, who kind of looks like adult-film star Randy Spears) and Perez Hilton get out of the car. While the guy from Dune and Perez Hilton walk up to him, the old rabbi fondles some rocks, which are quite desired by the guy from Dune. The old rabbi refuses to give up the rocks and instead pays the guy from Dune in proverbs, so the guy from Dune kills him and a couple of swarthy hobbits.
While the guy from Dune goes on a murderous rampage, Taura sneaks up behind one of his goons and kills him, although she evidently ran away to get oiled up first. As Taura knocks out evil Edgar Winter, the guy from Dune shoots a swarthy hobbit RIGHT IN THE FRIGGIN' FACE. Dude; that's harsh. With the guy from Dune's troops thinned out, Taura decides to take him on . . . and loses quickly. As a measure of REVENGE, though, she melts his hand by putting it in an acidic PLOT DEVICE. I mean "crater."
As the tax-collection agency isn't quite keen on manual mutilation, Taura is arrested and John Carradine sentences her to prison on a starship, the titular "Star Slammer," where the warden is evidently also a dominatrix (Marya Grant). Sometime later, Taura wakes up on the "Star Slammer" and the other convicts, lead by kind-of punky Mike (Susan Stokey), introduce themselves, predominately through punching and bullying Taura. Of course, one has to be naïve and reluctant, which means she'll be important in breaking Taura out of this interstellar hell-hole.
Midway through the convicts' welcoming party, the chick with the eye-patch – who is named, preposterously, "Muffin" – enters to spoil the fun. After Muffin gives Taura some advice on how to survive on the "Star Slammer," she then orders Taura to strip from her buckskin and put on a prison uniform, which, judging by the different styles worn by the other convicts, isn't uniform at all. Taura, as this is a women-in-prison flick, obliges and gets naked, while the other convicts leer and jeer from the periphery. After Taura finishes, Muffin takes her to see Mistress Warden and, along the way, Muffin complains about her job. Geez; why can you just grab yourself a pint of cookie dough ice cream and shut up?
In her office, Mistress Warden watches a little kid luchadore beat up an adult wrestler for no particular reason and, somehow, this makes her sad. Maybe she's thinking about her days of fertility dwindling down on a cursed prison ship. Or she's trying to act. The answer is unclear. Anyway, Taura is brought in to meet with Mistress Warden and insults Muffin in the process. Meanwhile, Mistress Warden reveals that she knows the guy from Dune and she also knows that Taura wants REVENGE against him for whatever reason, so Mistress Warden insinuates that Taura can totally lez out for a little early release. No pun intended. Perverts.
I'm actually kind of surprised there was never an "adult" version of Dune, but he'd be perfect for it.
In the mess hall, the convicts get food from a creepy bald alien and then Mistress Warden comes on the television monitor with a campy safety video. After the video, a goofy show about the prison's new torturer comes on, wherein the host reads cue cards very badly. After the show is over, the convicts discuss Taura and hint that a HOT CHICK doctor (Jade Barrett) on staff may also be a rebel in disguise. A few minutes later, Taura joins them and brings an uncomfortable silence with her, until Mike teases Taura with a plate full of worms, leading to a CATFIGHT! It may be set in the genre of science fiction, but this sure is hitting all the milestones of a good, old fashioned women-in-prison flick. Taura and Mike beat each other with whipped cream and cookie sheets, but, before 911 can come out and chokeslam someone, Mistress Warden enters and breaks up the fight. As punishment for Taura and Mike's insolence, Mistress Warden has them put in stocks and spanked by Muffin, which is yet another sentence I never thought I'd ever type.
Later, Mistress Warden has Muffin bring Taura and Mike to the ship's auditorium, where she has Mike and Taura fight a freaky tooth monster! While the convicts in the stands cheer on their peers, Mike and Taura swat at the monster and then Taura, in a rare moment of brilliance, tears a wire off the wall and electrocutes the monster with it anticlimactically. Unsurprisingly, this leads to a truce between Mike and Taura, who are then put into solitary confinement in cells that aren't soundproof and are right next to each other, so they can talk as if nothing's interfering, which kind of defeats the purpose of solitary confinement.
Sometime into their seclusion, Mike somehow finds a harmonica on the floor of her solitary cell and she plays it – while dancing hilariously badly, entertaining Taura. Oh, they're so going to make out later. Meanwhile, Mistress Warden flies down to some unidentified planet to meet with a middle-aged couple that, apparently, rule the galaxy. Though Mistress Warden has been a fine warden on the prison ship, the middle-aged couple tells her that they're sending a few extra troops to the ship, specifically the guy from Dune – who has now gone crazy – and his team of cretins! They then lecture Mistress Warden about the HOT CHICK doctor, who's working on some IMPORTANT PLOT POINT that the middle-aged couple want finished soon, or else.
In solitary confinement, Taura hears a rat in her cell and she tries to kick it away with her Keds; this plan of action doesn't work, as the rat attacks her and reveals itself to be more of a rubbery armadillo than a rodent. While Taura fends off the terrible special effect, Mike tell her how to kill it, so Taura grabs it by the neck and squeezes until it explodes in her face. I'm going to guess she practiced that skill on the swarthy hobbits, which is why they always seemed to be sticking around her. And, sometimes, sticking to her.
Down in their bunks, the convicts dance and the sassy toaster provides exposition, as evidently it's a party for the middle-aged couple's anniversary or something like that. After the sassy toaster takes it's leave, Taura and Mike show up and reveal themselves to be an alliance, defusing the tension from earlier in the film, so they all get drunk together. Alas, before the lesbian make-out sessions can ensue, the guy from Dune – complete with a robotic hand – and his henchmen – evil Edgar Winter and Perez Hilton – show up to ruin everything. Boo! You suck, guy from Dune.
Sometime later, the middle-aged couple addresses the convicts while, in the laboratory, the HOT CHICK doctor does scientific stuff. It must be scientific because there's test tubes, beakers, and lots of dry ice. Anyway, the HOT CHICK doctor, with Mistress Warden, the guy from Dune, and evil Edgar Winter in attendance, reveals her latest discovery as she gives some guy a laser lobotomy. After the demonstration, the guy from Dune plots REVENGE against Taura for his messed-up hand and then hits on the HOT CHICK doctor, because sleaze isn't bound by any planetary atmosphere.
In space, no one can hear him scream. So let's send him to space.
Later that day, evil Edgar Winter kidnaps Mike and has the HOT CHICK doctor perform a laser lobotomy on the spunky convict; afterward, Mistress Warden hits on evil Edgar Winter. Maybe she's a fan of "Frankenstein." Or she wants to give him a "Free Ride." Presumably, he'll have to pay for anything after that, though. Elsewhere, the guy from Dune whines to Perez Hilton about demons, so Perez Hilton whips him, which is really, really disturbing. Even more disturbing: the ghost of the old rabbi shows up to haunt the guy from Dune and he starts whipping him in Perez Hilton's stead!
Sometime later, since time is really arbitrary in space, evil Edgar Winter and Perez Hilton complain about the guy from Dune and then Perez Hilton starts playing childish pranks on the convicts in the mess hall, much to their chagrin. Meanwhile, the naïve convict, who also happens to be Mike's sister, wonders where her sibling is; then, as if on cue, Mike wanders into the room, apparently lobotomized! Dum-dum-DUM! Due to this unauthorized procedure, Mistress Warden isn't terribly happy with the guy from Dune, but nothing really comes of it.
Back in the mess hall, where the convicts are congregated, Muffin appears to arrest the naïve convict due to possession of some powdery substance in her bunk. Maybe it's baking soda because she was going to make some chocolate-chip cookies later or something. As the naïve convict is dragged out of the room, Taura interjects herself and Muffin punches her out. Somehow, this causes Mike to come to, as she was only faking a lobotomy and she and Muffin have a "Beat It"-style knife fight. After some terribly unexciting fight choreography, Mike cuts off Muffin's hand and then stabs her. Meanwhile, another convict kills Perez Hilton with a plate. No, really. And, somewhere, Aubrey O'Day and Will.I.Am – as well as all of Perez's other "victims" – celebrate lustily.
With Muffin and Perez Hilton now dead, Mike provides exposition and reveals that, in fact, the HOT CHICK doctor is indeed a double agent working for the rebellion. Taura, with this crucial information in mind, strategizes an escape plan for her fellow convicts. Unfortunately, things are quickly complicated when the guy from Dune catches the HOT CHICK doctor and Mistress Warden freaks out and sentences the HOT CHICK doctor to be tortured by a vaginal claw. OK; whatever. In the laboratory, Taura searches for the now captive HOT CHICK doctor, but, upon finding her missing, Taura decides to change her shirt for no particular reason.
I wouldn't be shocked if this thing started talking. It already looks like it's staring at me.
After getting changed, Taura discovers the HOT CHICK doctor in the bowels of the ship and rescues her from the old guy torturer introduced earlier in the film. Mistress Warden nearly foils the rescue, though, but the HOT CHICK doctor intervenes and helps Taura in her escape attempt . . . until a lobotomized zombie comes along and kills the HOT CHICK doctor, just because he can. While Taura kills the lobotomized zombie, Mistress Warden and the guy from Dune argue and Mistress Warden sasses at him. I guess she was the one who programmed the sassy toaster, then.
Deep into her escape, Taura finds the guy from Dune and evil Edgar Winter and, after Taura kills evil Edgar Winter, the guy from Dune just sort of wanders off. I guess he was late for his next scene or something. In the brig, Mike rescues her whiny sister, who whines unmercifully as she, Mike, and Taura reunite. Mike, perhaps sick of her sister's behavior, scolds her, so the sister runs off and Taura and Mike are forced to follow rather than just leave her behind to fend for her annoying self and then Taura has to beat up a few guards with a pipe, just because.
Eventually, the heroes hijack a shuttle and use it in an attempt to flee to safety, but Mistress Warden has other ideas and tries to shoot them down. Meanwhile, as Mike punches out her sister for being a pain and two other convicts fight over the shuttle's gun, Mike and Taura shoot down all the extraneous characters, except for the guy from Dune. Though he does survive, he doesn't have time to gloat, however, as his guns are jammed and then he's attacked by a convict's pet rubber armadillo. Then, out of the ether, the ghost of the old rabbi reappears and the guy from Dune has a conniption, allowing Taura to shoot him down easily. With their former captors now defeated, Taura and the convicts fly to Mars and the presumptive sequel on the "Chain Gang Planet."
Oh boy do I know how to pick them! Admittedly, par for a B-movie, Star Slammer is horribly low budget and unbelievably cheesy, but it's also an entertaining guilty pleasure. Like many others of it's ilk, Star Slammer moves from cliché to cliché and campy scene to campy scene with the greatest of ease, mixing awful special effects and horrendous over-acting into one big pot of awesome. There isn't much else to be said for the film, honestly. It's just a Misunderstood Masterpiece in spite of – or, perhaps, because of – it's flaws, and a darned good one at that . . . "good" being relative, of course.
Join me next week for a classic Misunderstood Masterpiece to kick off Horror-Movie Mania 2009 . . . and then the film fest continues with a bevy of vampire movies hand-picked by a very special guest! See you then!
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