The October Zombie-Thon 2009 - Day 8: Wiseguys vs. Zombies

Posted by Trevor Snyder on 10.08.2009

Like if Scorsese made zombie movies...and was an awful director.

WISEGUYS VS. ZOMBIES (2003)




Written & Directed by: Adam Minarovich
Country: USA


Let's face it, most homemade low-budget horror movies suck. Yeah, there are the occasional surprisingly well-made ones, or at least ones that are just goofy enough not to be a complete waste of your time. But, when you get right down to it, the majority of these backyard horror movies are just rubbish. Thankfully, there are certain signs to look out for when trying to determine whether a film falls into that crap majority. A few of the signs that usually (not always, but usually) indicate a particularly cruddy indie horror film:

- Amateur "actors" playing ridiculously stereotypical redneck characters.
- Amateur "actors" playing ridiculously stereotypical Italian mobster characters.
- A writer/director who casts himself in the lead role.

Wiseguys vs. Zombies takes all three of the above elements and mashes them together into one unrelenting assault on the viewer's patience.

The good news – in a case like this, it's not hard to figure out where to lay most of the blame. For instance, here it falls heavily on the shoulders of one Adam Minarovich, the jack of all trades behind Wiseguys vs. Zombies. You've gotta give the guy credit – when he decides he wants to miserably botch something, he really commits to it. Not only does he direct his own sorry excuse for a script, with all the skill of a drunken twelve-year-old, but he also plops himself right smack in front of the camera with a starring role as Mafia hit-man Gus Mirabella (by the way, I realize the DVD cover also lists Kevin Woods as a co-writer and director, but he's actually the producer).

I have no doubt that Minarovich loves gangster movies, and has seen a lot of them. That much is clear from his screenplay and grating performance, both of which shamelessly try (and miserably fail) to ape all sorts of actually decent gangster movies. Nowhere is this more evident than in the film's zombie-less first half, which follows the hot-tempered Gus and his religious, philosophizing partner Freddy Six Times as they are sent by their boss on a mission to recover some stolen drugs and deliver them to a Cuban crime lord down in Miami. This allows Minarovich to indulge in a sort of string of "Mafia-greatest-hits" scenes, including an unabashed rip-off of the Sopranos opening credits, and a seemingly endless interrogation sequence in which we listen to Gus tell a guy how he is going to beat him up for something like five minutes before he actually does it!

Even if you can ignore the mind-numbing "when will it ever end" feeling of the interrogation scene (and you can't, but even if you could), the whole first 45 minutes or so are going to be one hell of an endurance test. Unless, of course, your idea of a fun time is watching two yahoos without the slightest smidgen of talent trying to act cool. Because that's all this – two actors getting to play tough and pretend they're in a Scorsese film. If only they had half…nay, 1/4th the talent of the actors Scorsese casts. As Freddy Six Times, William Palko looks a hell of a lot like Harry Dean Stanton, but that's about the only thing he has going for him. Most of the time, his performance is so minimalist that it wouldn't have been all that different if he just hadn't shown up to set at all. And as for Minarovich, well, as if the ham-fisted Tarantino-wannabe dialogue he wrote isn't bad enough, having to watch him deliver it personally will leave you feeling just as pummeled as that poor sap from the aforementioned interrogation scene. And yes, in case you were wondering, Minarovich does take the opportunity to do his own riff on the classic DeNiro "you talking to me" bit in a mirror. Of course he does.

Anyway, the very title of the movie promises that things have to take a different turn eventually, and that they do. It turns out the stolen drugs Gus and Freddy have been sent to recover were actually part of a secret government experiment called "Project: Lazarus," which was intended to create unstoppable undead soldiers. The project was called off, however, when it was learned that the zombies it created were nothing more than mindless, flesh-hungry monsters – something Gus and Freddy learn only too well when the bodies of the drug thieves they've stored in their car's trunk come back to life and start raising hell in a small South Carolina town the two are stuck in. Soon, the entire town is crawling with the living dead, and it's up to Gus, Freddy, and a sexy Southern belle they meet named Sadie to fight back against the rotting hillbillies so that they can continue on to their planned Miami rendezvous (Gus and Freddy, that is…as far as I can tell, Sadie was probably not on her way to Miami).

I wish I could say that this is where the movie finally picks up, but in fact it only gets worse. It certainly takes long enough (and the very fact that this film is almost two hours long just shows what kind of contempt Minarovich has for his audience), but now the movie's true spirit is finally revealed in all its gallingly juvenile glory. A running joke concerns Gus' itchy groin. A farmer tries to get frisky with sheep just seconds before being eaten. A song on the radio concerns testicle licking. And, in what probably sums up the movie better than anything, the zombies let loose with gigantic farts whenever they are finally destroyed.

So obviously it's not meant to be taken seriously, which is all fine and dandy. But that's still no excuse for the film's shoddy approach to…well, everything. I mean, sure, some of the obvious problems are somewhat expected in films like this – the below-average script, the awful acting, the ineligible sound, the pathetic camera-work, the piss-poor FX make-up (oatmeal smeared on the actor's face = instant zombie). I suppose I wouldn't expect anything more from a Troma-distributed movie called Wiseguys vs. Zombies.

But the problems here go beyond the obvious. The real issue is how uninspired the whole thing feels. Sometimes this sort of undeniably stupid movie can get by on the pure enthusiasm of those involved. You can sense how much fun everyone is having, and it ends up being infectious. Minarovich's film, on the other hand, just sorta meanders around. Far too little happens for lengthy stretches of time, and once the mayhem finally does starts, it's never so ridiculous, gory, or over-the-top that you think Minarovich was actually trying to accomplish anything special. It's as if he came up with the name, and then just settled on a standard paint-by-numbers approach to making a movie that fit that title. Well, I guess the fart jokes were a little extra something, but that's about it.

Take the Sadie character, for instance – a perfect example of just how lazy and half-hearted the movie is. You'd think she would be somewhat fazed that these two men she has just met are professional killers, not to mention the fact that she suddenly finds herself fighting zombies!!! In a better movie, she probably would have been. But here, she accepts both these facts with barely a raised eyebrow, as if this kind of thing is an everyday occurrence for her. It's not that the movie wants us to wonder why Sadie is so OK with all of this – it's just that Minarovich couldn't be bothered to even try writing her as a real human being.

And then there are the zombies, which are not only lame-looking and extremely unthreatening, but are also wildly inconsistent. This is one of those frustrating scripts where the zombies' behavior is completely dependent on the needs of the current scene. Sometimes they're smart, sometimes they're dumb. Sometimes they're vicious, sometimes they're tame. Sometimes they can talk, and sometimes they can even fight. Whatever, it doesn't matter…they'll simply do whatever the director needs them to do in the moment; and because it's just a cheesy little zombie movie, we're not supposed to care. Minarovich has pulled that off a little too well – forget the logic of the zombies, I just didn't care about anything.

I don't mean to be a dick about this, and I realize that some of my criticisms of Mr. Minarovich might seem a tad harsh. But I can't help it. A movie with a title and concept this stupid should have been entertaining by default. This one is just boring as hell. If I had to guess, I'd say Minarovich was a little too in love with living out his gangster-movie fantasy to bother making sure the rest of the movie's elements were worth a damn. It's called Wiseguys vs. Zombies, but the only losers are the audience.

FINAL SCORE: 0 out of 4 Bubs (Avoid At All Costs)



For more living dead goodies, check out my countdown of the 10 Hottest Zombie Babes at Night of the Living Trev.