Misunderstood Masterpieces 10.13.09: Vampire Journals
Posted by Will Helm on 10.13.2009
...or, No Tom Cruise? No Brad Pitt? No Problem!
Thanks, mostly, to the Twilight and Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood book series – and their related properties, vampires have become the hottest undead beings in pop culture at the moment. While zombies have had their time in the sun – something which vampires can almost never have, literally – and werewolves may be next on deck, vampires currently hold sway over mass media with a plethora of films and television series to their credit. After all, in addition to the Twilight "saga" – which is a very loose usage of the word – and HBO's hit True Blood, there are a bunch of other book series, an upcoming movie (The Vampire's Assistant), and another television program (Vampire Diaries) as well. So, what better subject is there for Horror-Movie Mania 2009 than the biggest thing in entertainment right now: vampires?
While it seems that vampires are everywhere nowadays, their existence was significantly more consolidated in the '90s, as one figure dominated the genre: Anne Rice. Though an adaptation of one – or two – of her works has been featured in these pages before, Anne Rice remains the predominant vampire-fiction author of her era. Though there were vampire stories before hers, Rice added an existential element to her subjects, beginning with the novel Interview with the Vampire. Later adapted into a film of the same name featuring the star power of Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, Interview with the Vampire and its sequels set the standard for popular vampire fiction and, as such, brought into existence a bevy of imitators.
I really hope there's no use of "OMG" or "I am so crushing on him" herein.
Though not an imitator of the book series, this week's film, 1997's Vampire Journals apes the tone and tenor of Interview with the Vampire, which preceded it by three years. Stemming from legendary direct-to-video production house Full Moon Features – also the home of such famous franchises as Puppet Master, Trancers, and Demonic Toys, Vampire Journals exists as a spinoff of another famous Full Moon franchise: Ted Nicolaou's Subspecies. Though the Subspecies series debuted in 1991 and featured the adventures of a villainous, shriveled up vampire named Radu, Vampire Journals takes the style of its cousin and adds in copious quantities of Anne Rice existentialism to make what may add up to be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!
Because nothing works like the best cliches, it's obvious that vampires are lurking somewhere as the scene is set by a snowy Bucharest cemetery and meandering pseudo-classical music. Meanwhile, somewhere else, a girl does ballet in an old library while, in the wings, a vampire with very bad skin watches and then applauds her performance. Unfortunately for the eczema-suffering vampire, the girl isn't appreciative of his praises, so he vamps out on her as a measure of REVENGE for her lack of gratitude. While the vampire snacks on the innocent girl, another vampire (David Gunn) shows up out of nowhere and beheads the wrinkly vampire. After the scene settles down, the heroic vampire reveals himself to be, through expository monologue, a self-loathing vampire hunter named Zachary who's seeking REVENGE against all bloodsuckers. Except for himself, of course. Because that would make for a very short movie.
Some time in the future, another girl (Kirsten Cerre) plays piano in an empty concert hall while a vampire who may or may not be Zachary sulks under the stage. It probably is Zachary because he's just SO moody like that. Later that evening, the concert hall opens to the public and the girl – named Sofia – plays a concerto. Meanwhile, from a balcony, Zachary watches the performance and then spies another vampire – a "music lover" named Ash (Jonathon Morris) – sitting in the crowd. Though Sofia is playing her heart out, Zachary and Ash must have something else on their minds as they stare each other down and share a moment. Aww . . . how sweet.
Ah, Bucharest: home of beautiful architecture and bad vampire movies.
After the show, Ash, the obviously evil vampire, gives Sofia a rose and a little prick . . . on a thorn, perverts. Ash then uses this opportunity to give Sofia a little taste test, after which he invites her to his nightclub; then again, isn't any vampire club automatically a "night" club? Sofia reveals herself to be kind of into his invitation, until Ash decides to get all creepy by following her home. Little does Ash know, though, that Zachary is tailing them and then, when Ash is distracted, he tries to slay his evil rival. Though he fails at this attempt, he does rescue Sofia from Ash's clutches and then his inner monologue broods over his actions.
Ash, thwarted, retreats to his lair and nightclub, which is filled with fashionable vampires and his evil henchchick (Starr Andreeff). To her, Ash confesses that he's got a thing for Sofia, but, since he's not with her, he distracts himself with his own personal soap opera going on in the club. Back on the streets of Bucharest, Zachary and Sofia bond, even though he's really creepy and knows way too much about the city. Zachary ends up walking Sofia home and she invites him in for coffee, but he'd much rather just wait outside until dawn, which makes Ash look relatively sane and non-threatening. But it does give Zachary more time to brood alone, though.
Back at the club, Ash scolds a traitor in his midst and then his HOT Goth concubine (Ilinca Goia) sneaks up on him for a little undead nookie or something. Ash, sadly, isn't feeling it due to his rejection earlier in the evening and, before he can rekindle his libido, he has to clean up a dead body elsewhere in the club. Not content to be a vampire janitor, Ash tells the HOT Goth concubine to take care of it and she happily obliges, mainly because she's also warped, in addition to being HOT and Goth. While the HOT Goth concubine does Ash's dirty work, Ash visits his own personal gypsy, who tells him that he can beat Zachary. Ash, emboldened by this information, later takes advantage of his renewed virility by vamping out with two topless HOT CHICKS.
"Hi! I'm not in this movie, but the writer needed an extra picture to pad the column!"
The next morning, Sofia gets accosted on the street by Ash's henchchick, who relays the message that Ash wants a private performance that evening at the club. Of course, Sofia agrees to it because she's an idiot. That night, Zachary meets up with Sofia, who helpfully provides exposition about Ash's invitation for later in the evening. Zachary, who, unlike Sofia, isn't an idiot, warns her of a possible impending doom, but, when the henchchick pulls up in her car, Sofia goes along with her, rather than heed Zachary's warnings. Zachary, since he's either got a thing for Sofia or wants to use her to get his REVENGE against Ash, follows.
At the club, the henchchick shows Sofia around and takes her to a piano. After the henchchick takes her leave, Sofia plays a little running-time killing piece until an audience of vampires, Ash included, mysteriously appears. While Sofia continues playing, Zachary tries to intimidate his way into the club, but the henchchick, who runs a respectable establishment and doesn't want brooding, moody vampires hanging around bringing everyone down, has him ejected. Conveniently, just after Zachary leaves the premises, Ash takes advantage of the situation and vamps out on Sofia and kidnaps her. Meanwhile, Zachary flies off and broods while vamping out on some random chick.
The next day, Sofia wakes up next to a dried out Ash, who reconstitutes and awakens with really bad bed head. While Sofia freaks out, Ash fixes his hair and then offers Sofia a bargain: immortality in exchange for her music. Sofia refuses, so Ash vamps out on her again. After Ash leaves Sofia to recover from her blood loss, his HOT Goth concubine sneaks up on him again because she wants to go out. Ash, who's got more important things on his mind, tells her to chill and then the henchchick tells her to get lost. After the HOT Goth concubine takes her leave, the henchchick complains about Ash's behavior because she doesn't need the police raiding her perfectly legitimate establishment due to Ash's misbehavior.
This is what happens when hot Goth vampires go Broadway.
Ash, perhaps to get away from his harping henchchick, decides to go out with the HOT Goth concubine and, during their jaunt, he teaches her how to hunt. Her first quarry: some random guy walking down the street. After the HOT Goth concubine flirts with him a little, she vamps out on the random guy; afterward, Ash finishes the job against a fence . . . or ass rapes the guy. It's really dark and everyone's wearing black, so I really can't be sure one way or the other. Meanwhile, back at the club, Zachary broods outside while Sofia wanders around and finds a random dagger lying around, which she will presumably use to slay Ash. While Sofia waits patiently for Ash's return, Ash and the HOT Goth concubine find Zachary and invite him into the club, which is an oddly hospitable turn of events.
Inside the club, vampires plot and scheme while Ash tries to keep order. Later, Zachary finally goes inside the club and, once there, he meets with Ash and tells his rival that he wants Sofia. Before Ash can agree to the bargain, Ash's personal gypsy butts in and muddles the deal, distracting Zachary long enough for Ash to steal his magical vampire-slaying sword and provide some exposition. Zachary, who isn't exactly in an ideal position for negotiation, tries to make a deal with Ash, but Ash shoots it down because he's got the magic sword and Zachary doesn't, so there. Of course, Ash isn't all bad, as he does agree to take Zachary to see Sofia, but, first, he introduces Zachary to some other chick instead and pimps her out, even though Zachary isn't really interested in vamping out on her.
With Zachary suitably distracted, Ash decides to visit Sofia and, upon doing so, finds himself nearly impaled by her random dagger. Her attack is unsuccessful, though, as Ash dodges the blow and then stares Sofia into submission before vamping out on her some more. I'm really starting to get a "lather, rinse, repeat" vibe with this movie right about now. Later, Ash meets with the traitor, whose lawyer then shows up, which is honestly kind of hilarious. Hehe . . . vampire lawyer. Strangely, Ash doesn't see the humor in it as he kills the lawyer and then the traitor, after which he has a chat with the traitor's severed head. Yet again vocal chords are totally inconsequential to a weird and darkly comic visual.
With the corpses piling up in her club, the henchchick freaks out at Ash, but he's unconcerned because vampires are kind of like that. Ash then exits, stage right, leaving the HOT Goth concubine to mess with the henchchick. The henchchick, who's more shrewd than Ash gives her credit for, tries to make the HOT Goth concubine jealous of Sofia, but, for some reason, that just makes the HOT Goth concubine make out with the henchchick. Sadly, the fact that the HOT Goth concubine was busy eating the lawyer at the time makes it totally not hot.
Grandpa Munster does not approve of these shenanigans.
Meanwhile, Zachary chills in bed and has a flashback to when he was a goofy poet with a HOT CHICK girlfriend. Unfortunately for him, he got seduced by a vampire chick and that made him what he is today. Elsewhere, Ash handles more vampire soap-opera drama – maybe I should start calling him "Barnabas Collins" – and then he visits Sofia again, this time bringing her to see Zachary. Conveniently, though, this happens to be the exact moment when Zachary gives into his urgings and vamps out on the random chick Ash gave him, which breaks Sofia's heart because she totally thought he was different.
In the study, the henchchick and some fop (Mihai Dinvale) mess with the traitor's skull until Ash drops by and tells them to stop screwing around. After they knock off the goofiness, Ash then tells the henchchick to kill Zachary that morning; in response, she tells Ash to kill Sofia, but Ash isn't amenable to that. Later, in her bedroom, Sofia tries to kill Ash – again – and fails – again – so Ash vamps out on her – again – because he wants to make her a vampire, even though she's not into it.
In his bedroom, Zachary meditates and dreams of beheading his ex-girlfriend until the henchchick interrupts. Though she's supposed to kill him, the henchchick instead makes a deal with Zachary because he wants REVENGE and she's sick off all the vampire drama. Elsewhere, finally, Ash makes Sofia a vampire – probably because she thought that Zachary was into her and had her heart broken – while Zachary twists the fop's head around, which shouldn't be as effective as it is in the film. With the fop all turned around, Zachary then busts into Sofia's bedroom and tries to kill Ash yet again – and fails yet again – but he does escape with Sofia by staring down the HOT Goth concubine.
While Zachary and Sofia attempt to flee the scene, Ash sends the HOT Goth concubine after them and, after he recovers for a bit, he gives chase as well. Eventually, Zachary and Sofia end up in the concert hall, where Ash and the HOT Goth concubine catch up with them. While Ash gloats, the HOT Goth concubine borrows the magic sword and tries to thwart Zachary with it, but he kills her with a microphone stand. No, really. Then, instead of grabbing the sword and ending the film triumphantly, Zachary chases Ash to the lobby of the concert hall, where he pushes Ash over a landing and into the sunlight, causing Ash to turn to . . . ash. Even though he was already Ash. It's all very post-modern, I presume. With the sun quickly rising, Zachary and Sofia hide out in the bowels of the concert hall, where Zachary's expository monologue broods into the closing credits.
The more I think about it, the more and more Vampire Journals plays out like a low-rent Interview with the Vampire; all the pieces are there, just slightly different than the high-budget predecessor. Zachary is a pale – no pun intended – imitation of Louis, existentially brooding from scene to scene as per his particular idiom with few other dimensions to his character. As well, the concept of the vampire community is very similar to Anne Rice's work, but here it plays out more like a soap opera than a fully fleshed out aspect of the film's universe. In addition, Ash is far from the complex Lestat, as it seems that Ash just does what vampires do, just skirting the edge of cliché at every moment. In fact, the only two characters that seem to have at least more than one dimension are the henchchick – who provides the necessary help for the protagonist and plays indignation better than I've seen in a long time – and the HOT Goth concubine, who sinks her teeth into the role – no pun intended – with reckless abandon, making a one-note character pleasingly sinister and warped. Unfortunately, those are the few good points of Vampire Journals, making it yet another vampire-infused Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I get a little campy with the most tanned vampire ever. And then, in three weeks . . . Twilight. See you then!
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