Syndication Files 10.14.09: Baywatch
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 10.14.2009
Beaches, babes, boobs and the Hoff! If that doesn’t sum up what Baywatch was all about, then I don’t know what does. Despite the silly plotlines and bad acting, Baywatch was an international sensation and became the most watched television show in the world. Experience the slow motion juggling madness and the mighty power of David Hasselhoff on this week’s edition of the Syndication Files.
I bet all of you were wondering where I was last week. I bet all of you were sadden by the absence of this column. The very same column that usually helps you get through the work week I might add. Well, a family emergency prevented me from submitting one last week, but luckily everything is all well now and things have returned to normal.
As of this writing, Northern California is under a fierce storm of pissed off rain and wind. I'll just put a S.O.S. placement here if I happen to be living on the roof sometime during this week. My poor flowers :(
So let's forget about this depressing weather and talk about sunbathed beauties instead.
Syndication Files # 15
Baywatch
Beaches, babes, boobs, oh my!
Ah, Baywatch. A quick look at its resume shows that Baywatch further launched the career of Pamela Anderson and her two life preservers, majored in Slow Motion Running Sequences 101, and became the #1 reason why boys hit puberty early. Pamela Anderson wasn't the only one that enjoyed a little growth spurt augmentation.
The idea of Baywatch came from the mind of Joshua K. Paramor. Using his previous experience as a Los Angeles County lifeguard, Paramor wanted to start up a media project about lifeguards. He wanted to make that idea into a movie but for whatever reason, the idea turned into a television series and all the young boys were very thankful. Baywatch made its bouncy debut on NBC on September 22, 1989. As it turned out, NBC frowned either upon the show's high production, the mediocre ratings, or the fact that David Hasselhoff was starring in it and canceled the show after one season, but I'll get to that later.
Baywatch is an educational lifeguard series featuring beach safety, rule enforcement, and what to do in emergency situations. The main focus of this instructive show is the lifeguard and their given responsibility to protect the beach and to provide people assurance of their safety. The series provides excellent examples of lifeguards doing what they do best: saving people from drowning, providing CPR, and enforcing the rules of the beach.
Educational!
Alright, let's cut the nonsense. The above paragraph and video only accounts for 30% of the show's premise and that's being generous. The show is about lifeguards but instead of providing beach safety, they provide beach soap opera drama with oh-so-tight bathing suits. The show is less about saving people and more about how the sunlight glistened on the wet skin of the attractive lifeguards. The show is less about beach law enforcement and more about making excuses to have people jog around in their trademark slow motion shots wearing as little clothes as possible. Really, I don't mind watching hot woman run around in their scanty one-piece bathing outfits as I count the number of bounces during slow-motion fun bag theater. When that's the shows premise, then why argue with it? This was before Al "I Won a Noble Prize Peace by Saying It Was Hot Outside So Take That Obama" Gore and the internet, so this was as close as public non-print pornography as once could get. Babes, boobs and sand are what the people want and that's what they are going to get!
There are also male lifeguards here who fill the screen with their chiseled body while flexing their sweaty pectoral muscles in slow-motion but no one wants to read about that. Or do you…errrrr. Heh heh...moving on.
Babes and beefcakes abound!
The show is not just about boobs and sand…wait, actually that's exactly what it's about. Ok, not true. I know there's a story somewhere in there. I bet it's somewhere between the buoys that Pam Anderson entrenched on her chest. Those things were just begging to break the surface of her lifeguard suit.
Oh right, the story. Well, sometimes the show would center on office romances, interpersonal relationships, and dangers applicable to the beach routine. Conflicts that would invade the beach include shark attacks, people drowning, terrorist activity (!), and psycho killers (!!) who just happened to love the beach as much as the lifeguards do. Yes, these things do happen in the everyday life of a California lifeguard. You can bet those public pool lifeguards are extremely resentful. The storylines are illogical and downright goofy, not to mention acting so bad that it makes Couples Retreat look like Beach Blanket Bimbo. But throw in a few sand bunnies and boobs in there and you have a popular Baywatch episode!
Clothes? On this show? What monstrously are we watching?
The show became insanely popular around the world and that success was all thanks to David Hasselhoff. This is the same Hoff man that would become an internet parody years later and we all love us some hot Hoff! Fresh off his stint with the popular Knight Rider show, Hasselhoff returned to our television scene three years later as Mitch Bucannon, the Baywatch lifeguard with a knack for saving people and exposing his divine golden tan body for the female audience. On a unrelated note, if I keep describing the men's attributes in detail, I might as well go jump off my water-infested roof or worse, go attend a Broadway musical. Back to the subject, Hasselhoff saved this show from the depths of cancellation purgatory. The Hoff believed in this show so much that invested his own money and became executive producer after NBC canceled the show. He saw an untapped potential that the network couldn't see, so Hoff took a chance and revived the show for a first-run syndication on television, which in television terms means the show is able to broadcast on multiple individual stations. He was greatly rewarded, as the show lasted for ten more years and became the most watched television show in the world of all time. Imagine this: 1.1 billion viewers fell in love with the hunky Hoff who would spend an episode splashing in water and rubbing octopus repellent on himself ("Ooooh yeeahh, that's good octopus repellent").
The other male lifeguards are not important. Sorry, but spending that much time on even one male lifeguard, let alone Hasselhoff, is not right for me. Let's talk about the ladies! Loads of hot woman on this show: Yasmine Bleeth, Alexandra Paul (my favorite for reasons only for myself), Carmen Electra (Playboy Playmate), Nicole Eggert, Traci Bingham, Donna D'Errico (Playboy Playmate), Erika Eleniak (Playboy Playmate), and Brande Roderick (Playboy Playmate). Was there any surprise that there were this many playmates on the show? Has any other non-pornography show ever had this many Playboy Playmates? This could be a record and no, that Guitar Hero commercial does not count.
Uh, what were we talking about?
Then there's that other Playboy Playmate. The one that stood out as the most popular character during the show's entire run as C.J. Parker. Pamela Anderson, world's famous Playboy Playmate and the best slow-motion enthusiast of all time. Every time she would do one of those sequences, people would nod their heads in agreement. No matter how bad the plot for the episode, at least C.J. Parker was there to help us cope thanks to her jell-o pillows (by the way, I love how there is never a storage of nicknames for boobs). Playboy made her famous, Baywatch made her into an international sex symbol.
The show was a ratings success, but many cast members left after the 1998-1999 season. Those cast members saw the writing on the wall when the writing staff kept recycling storylines from earlier seasons. There are only so many ideas a show like this could take before the idea depository goes bankrupt. Baywatch lasted until 1999 before the location of the show changed from California to Hawaii, thus changing the show's name to Baywatch Hawaii. That version of Baywatch didn't last for very long, officially ending its run on May 14, 2001.
Thanks to the invention of the internet and the evolution of cable TV, Baywatch now seems fairly tame by today's standards and fairly awful as well. Time has not been kind to this one. Take away the cleavage/bathing suits, and all that's left with is a slightly corny version of Beverly Hills, 90210 (have you read that lately!?), only on a beach location. But hey, that stuff is there and if you ever wanted to see Pamela Anderson at the height of her popularity and experience the same height in your pants, then this show is available in your retail stores and retail video sites everywhere.
Educational and hot! But strictly educational
Commercial Break
Direct Twhat?...whoa.
Hey, it's the entire Baywatch series summed up in a 30 second commercial. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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I attended the 49ers-Falcons game on Sunday. Usually I like to go to a football game at least once a year, so I thought this game would be a pretty good one to go too. After all, they have been playing lights out and smashed their way to a 3-1 record. I figured the Niners would have this one in the bag.
49ers lost 45-10 in their worst home performance in years. There is nothing like going to a miserable game like that to remind you to just stay home.
And with that, I'm out of time. Out like the 49ers within the first 20 minutes of the game.
