Deleted Scenes 10.15.09: Teenagers - The Plague of the Movie Theater

Posted by Robert Sullivan on 10.15.2009

Seriously. I'm only 24, but I definitely don't remember being so annoying. Come on in.

Hey, everybody. I'm Rob, this is Deleted Scenes, welcome yourselves on back for another edition thereof. Much of the writing in this column week-by-week is consumed by my own frustrations with things of a rather cinematic nature, and this week's no different. But before we can get to that, first...

A little bit of business.

The Plugs

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The Column

Teenagers.

Ewwww.

Anyone who regularly attends a movie theater knows of the horror of which I speak. Their spreading like a virus from the concession to the bathroom. Their multiplying like cancer in the actual screening room - one sits next to you, then two of their friends, and suddenly they realize they know the equally annoying teens two rows in front of you...

Teenagers. Ewwwww.

They certainly have a habit of ruining any movie they go to see. Thankfully, though, this was not the case when it came to my checking out the much anticipated and megahyped Paranormal Activity this past Friday night. This can be chalked up to a stellar sense of growing dread, adequate acting by the leads, and a sense of creativity not regularly seen in theaters the past few years.

This doesn't mean they didn't try their damnedest to fuck it all up, though. What is it, pray tell, that convinces each of them that they're a Goddamned comedian - not only that, but a comic genius rivaling a Carlin or Pryor or Murphy prior to the "I have kids now, so I can't make funny movies anymore" issue?

This isn't to say I don't appreciate a good wisecrack during a shitbag movie. Far from it. But in a movie that rides so heavily on its atmosphere and sense of foreboding, it's unnecessary. Not to mention, obviously, that they didn't even follow up on great opportunities. Sure, they made plenty of jokes about the lead actress' boobs, but did they take their best shot?



"Katie got some big ass tittays."

There! How hard is that? I mean, the girl's name...is Katie! But no...no pop culture references were to be made, no matter how easy. Just general grunting about the size of her chest. C'mon, people. The youth of America needs to be more creative if they're going to be wildly disruptive at a film.

So what do we do to remedy this situation? Well, it's pretty simple.



DO YOUR JOBS!

As a former theater employee myself, I can attest that it's within our rights to kick assholes out. Nothing pleased me more - or got me more relieved compliments from attendees - than removing teenagers who thought they were much funnier than they were from their seats. Of course, this means teenagers on the other side of the rope will be forced to actually do their jobs.

This is necessary. This must be done. For all of our sakes...let alone our sanity.

Until next time.