The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 10.19.09: Issue #77
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 10.19.2009
We're back with a full on review of the 2007 flick "Dead Noon," and then a bit of B-movie news including rumors about a "Millennium" movie, a "Live Evil" update, and thoughts on the recent passing of a B-movie legend.
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that's never entered a 5K anything, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number seventy seven, I take a look at the mega low budget horror/western action flick from 2007 "Dead Noon," featuring an appearance by modern horror movie legend Kane Hodder. And then, after that, we'll debut a new, perhaps occasional segment featuring news bits of a B-movie nature.
Dead Noon
"Dead Noon," directed by Andrew Wiest, is a hard B-movie not to like. It makes very little sense, is cheap as all hooha, and features a special appearance by Jason Voorhees hisself Kane Hodder that looks like it was filmed in a very different matter (the bulk of the movie appears to be some kind of digital video, while the Hodder stuff looks like it was shot on actual film, or some kind of digital video that looks like film. It's also got better sound and just comes off better, more competent), but it all somehow works. You'll marvel at how much Wiest managed to squeeze out of his miniscule budget and how surprisingly entertaining it all is.
Basically, what you have is a revenge story featuring a long dead outlaw named Frank (Robert Bear) who has made a deal with the Devil himself to come back from the dead and hell to seek vengeance on the small town of Weston, specifically the new bride of Sheriff Logan Kane (Scott Phillips), who is somehow connected to Frank via family or something. I don't know, it was kind of unclear what exactly that connection was. But before all of that is revealed to Logan, he has to deal with his resentful deputy brother Stuart (Robert Milo Andrus) and the local gun shop owner Grace (Lillith Fields). There's quite a bit of jealousy and in fighting and whatnot between the three, which helps set up their eventual teaming up to take on Frank and his henchmen (because when you're as bad and evil as Frank is you just have to have henchmen). You know, that whole putting your differences aside and teaming up for the common good thing.
So, some stuff happens, Frank's zombie cowboy henchmen kill a bunch of people with their demon fire laser guns (I don't know what else to call them), and Logan, Stuart, and Grace have to put their differences aside and team up to take the henchmen and Frank on. Yeah, I know I already said that but I wanted to point it out again because it's that banding together that takes up the bulk of the final third of the movie and easily its best section. How great is it? Well, let me put it to you this way. Logan, Stuart, and Grace fight skeletons, zombie cowboys, zombie skeletons, zombie skeleton cowboys, and pretty much every other iteration you can think of when it comes to cowboys, zombies, and skeletons. Nasty as all hooha computer generated wounds appear, multiple heads and body parts explode, and skeleton chases ensue.
Yes, that's what I said. Skeleton chases. It's like Sam Raimi's "Army of Darkness" but made for considerably less money. I'll admit that this section of the movie goes on a tad long and some of the scenes of low budget violence repeat themselves, but it's a bunch of fun regardless. It would have been great if the rest of the movie had as much energy as the final confrontation sequence.
Now, where does Kane Hodder fit into all of this? Basically, Hodder acts as the flick's narrator, as we see him at the very beginning of the movie forcing a young woman to listen to him as he tells a story, which just so happens to be the story of the movie. It's a little weird right up until the end of the movie, when it gets even weirder and, I assume, a big twist is revealed. I say assume because I'm not quite sure what the ending is supposed to mean. Is there a curse involved?
The performances are more or less okay throughout. The only two that really stand out are Lillith Fields as Grace the gun shop owner and Robert Bear as Frank the bad guy. You'll notice Fields because she's hot and she knows how to wield a shotgun (she also manages to make her big suiting up scene right before the final confrontation seem slightly less ridiculous than it could have been). And you'll notice Bear because he has the coolest outfit (you can never go wrong with a black cowboy outfit) and he's pretty dang charismatic as the flick's bad guy. He's mean as hell, yes, but you still kind of feel for him and root for him, even though you're never really sure what his revenge motivation is all about (there's a flashback sequence where it's all presumably explained and it involves people hanging from trees, but I'll be damned if I know what the heck that was all really about).
Despite its myriad flaws, I quite liked "Dead Noon." I'd like to see either a sequel (I think the ending implies that a sequel is a possibility, but, hey, I could be wrong about that) or a full fledged remake made with a budget. I think the world would be a better place for it.
So go seek out "Dead Noon." It's worth a look. It doesn't make much sense, but it sure is a whole bunch of fun. In a B-movie kind of way, that is.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous Kane Hodder, gratuitous Kane Hodder driving a van, gratuitous Kane Hodder telling a young woman a story by a campfire, gratuitous black and white flashback with stylized blood, a snowy woods shoot out, a brutal fist fight, poker playing, exploding tree, gratuitous fat guy cocking a shotgun with one hand, gratuitous blood geyser, gratuitous cowboy zombies shooting guns that have fire bullets, gratuitous rear projection driving, a spiral stair case, exploding truck, gratuitous farmhouse stoner rampage, gratuitous hicks, bald eagle shooting, two smoldering dead bodies, gratuitous cheap CGI chest wound with smoke, a burned up skull with a note in it, a bunch of split screen hooey, an old pocket watch, dried up dead bodies, a T-shirt that reads "Angels Exist," gratuitous multiple zombie skeleton attacks, multiple shotgun decapitations, Uzi hooey, a woman loading a shotgun with her mouth, exploding zombie cowboy head, gratuitous automatic handgun hooey, heart removal, goo to the face, skull stomping, a nasty leg wound, a nasty chest wound, a final fight, and then a confusing ending.
Best lines: "Now shut up and listen to my story," "I can't bear to watch either one of you die," "Always have fun with what you do," "It's the police! Holy smoke!," "Man, I got a mean case of the munchies. Let's go get a taco," "My Dad is going to kill me," "A real man does what he's supposed to do," "Sweet Jerry Reed what the hell is that?," "Not a religious man, huh? Me neither," "What's a man doing in church in the middle of the day?," "Are you a man?," "A man honors his word," "I suppose this ain't how you imagined your honeymoon," "I can't wait for you to watch your husband die," "You're scrawnier than your paw," and "What happens when you're done telling me your story?"
Rating: 7.5/10.0
***
And now, I'll engage in a bit of a B-movie news round up. I don't know how often I'll be doing this (the primary focus of this column will always be B-movie reviews), but there's stuff out there you, as B-movie aficionados, should be made aware of. So, without any further introduction, here's a bit of B-movie news:
- Is there a"Millennium"movie in the works?. According to multiple sources, yes, there is.
You all remember "Millennium," don't you? It was that Fox show that aired in the late 1990's that starred the great Lance Henriksen as a former FBI analyst/profiler named Frank Black who is recruited into something called "The Millennium Group," a group of retired law enforcement officials investigating/watching a weird ass crime wave that had something to do with the approaching Millennium. Or something like that.
The show was created by Chris Carter, creator of "The X-Files," and lasted for about three years (1996-1999). I watched most of the first season, but then I kind of lost track of the show when I went to college. It's currently on "Chiller," where it airs weekdays (I think it airs at like 5 or 6pm).
Well, this proposed movie, according to Screen Rant and Cinema Blend, will happen via an independent production company and not involve Chris Carter. Lance Henriksen will be involved, though, returning as Frank Black. And who has been named as a possible director? None other than Brett A. Hart, the man behind the truly awesome "Bone Dry" (read my review of that flick here).
Hart had this to say to The Gratuitous B-Movie Column about his potential participation in a "Millennium" movie:
"As a tremendous fan of the Millennium series and having worked with Lance Henrikson on "Bone Dry", it is an honour to even be considered as a possible director for a "Millennium" feature.
If it does come to fruition and given an opportunity, my passion and support for the cause would reflect on the screen. The series continuously had some of the finest performances, storylines, cinematography, and music to grace television. A full length feature would allow fans to finally get closure to a series that was unceremoniously cut short. It would allow an opportunity to truly explore Frank Black further than a series time frame allowed and to closer examine a man struggling with his own demons within the shadows of an aberrant world. Finally it would allow highlighted storylines from the three seasons to potentially be woven together within a cathartic revelation.
As for doing the picture for free, entertainment is a balance between art and commerce. If I was officially asked to direct the "Millennium" feature in order to bring Frank back to life… everything is up for discussion and I am willing to do my part to do just that... for "This Is Who We Are".
If this movie does happen, Hart is a perfect choice as director, at least in my opinion. "Bone Dry" is such a strong movie that it's obvious Hart can handle pretty much anything thrown his way, including three years worth of show mythology and a dedicated and demanding fanbase that will no doubt go over the movie with a fine tooth, which is exactly what he'll have to deal with with a "Millennium" movie. Plus, he's already worked with Henriksen once and made him look great, so there should be no problems on that front.
And, hey, he's said that he'll direct the movie for free. That's confidence for sure.
We'll see where it goes. Hopefully, for Hart's sake and, really, for all of our sakes, that this movie happens with Hart at the helm.
***
***
Live Evil update
"Live Evil," the great Tim Thomerson vampire killer flick that I reviewed here will finish its theatrical run soon (I assume it was a successful one. Did it play around you?) and hit the Video On Demand market on Election Day, November 3rd. However, the flick's DVD, which was also originally scheduled to hit stores November 3rd will now appear sometime in early 2010 (this is according to the flick's MySpace page).
I urge everyone reading this to order the flick via Video On Demand on November 3rd as it is definitely worth checking out. The flick really is that dang cool. And when the DVD eventually does hit store shelves, hopefully with oodles of cool special features, get that, too. Again, the flick really is that dang cool.
***
Dick Durock 1937-2009 RIP
Dick Durock, the stuntman that brought the DC Comics character "Swamp Thing" to life in the Wes Craven directed monster movie back in 1982 died last month at the age of 72 after a long battle with pancreatic cancer.
Durock is best known for playing Swamp Thing not only in the 1982 flick but also its awesome 1989 sequel directed by Jim Wynorski and the USA series that ran for 71 episodes, from 1990-1993. He did a bunch of other stuff, too, mostly secondary characters and guest spots on various TV shows (not to mention a slew of stunt work), but to pretty much everyone in the world he was, is, and always will be Swamp Thing.
Hopefully, if a "Swamp Thing" remake ever does get made (and there have been rumblings of such a movie happening for quite some time now) Durock's contribution to the character is given the recognition it so rightly deserves.
And there had better be a mention of Durock's passing at the Oscars. It would be cruel if there wasn't.
***
***
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed the extra news segment. Do you want to see it again?
B-movies rule. Always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
"Dead Noon"
Kane Hodder- Undead Cowboy Robert Bear- Frank Robert Milo Andrus- Stuart Lillith Fields- Grace Elizabeth Mouton- Louise Kelsey McCann- Amy Kane
Directed by Andrew Wiest
Screenplay by Keith Suta, Mathew Taggart, and Andrew Wiest
