Misunderstood Masterpieces 10.20.09: Love at First Bite

Posted by Will Helm on 10.23.2009

...or, Beware the Disco Vampire!

OK, I know I usually save horror-comedies for last among the year's Horror-Movie Mania, but, since I have a much different plan for this year, I'm changing things up a bit. In fact, I'm going to be doing two – yes, two – horror comedies in a row, and both involve vampires. Though, thankfully, neither is going to be Dracula: Dead and Loving It; I fell asleep halfway through the movie years ago and I still have no desire to find out what I missed. Maybe that'll be for Horror-Movie Mania 2010. And that may be the scariest thing I type all month.

But, for this week, it's a crazy trip back to the '70s for a film featuring an actor who was once supposed to be a modern – for the time – matinée idol and ended up as one of the campiest personalities of his era and beyond: George Hamilton. Though known more now for his reality-show appearances and legendary suntan, at one time, Hamilton was to be a star; unfortunately, this came during the shift to much more realistic cinema in the late '60s. With his fame at a precipice, Hamilton did what any wise sage would do: he took advantage of his inherent campiness and turned to comedy. His first step on this new path to stardom just so happens to be a horror-comedy: 1979's Love at First Bite. Does Hamilton's change of style lead to a great movie, or is it a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

Warning: wackiness ahead!

In a low-rent, matte-painting castle, presumably in Romania, as this is a vampire movie, a vampire (George Hamilton) opens the lid of is his coffin, as per his particular idiom, and goes for an evening stroll. Later, he plays piano while accompanied by some wolves, but they ruin his melody, so he tells them to can it. After the impromptu recital – which just gives me flashbacks to last week, the vampire – who just so happens to be the actual Count Dracula – grabs a drink and chills until his annoying henchman Renfield (Arte Johnson) interrupts. While Count Dracula relaxes, Renfield gives him some porno magazines, but Count Dracula isn't interested in those. I guess after a few centuries, it gets pretty hard to get any thrills from nudity. No pun intended. Instead, Count Dracula takes a fashion magazine from Renfield because he's got a thing for the model on the cover, because she reminds him of a couple chicks he boned in centuries past. Classy.

With fashion magazine in hand, Count Dracula heads downstairs to take a nap and read the Cosmo-esque articles in the periodical. Alas, before he can dig into the latest relationship quiz, Count Dracula is once again interrupted by Renfield, who lets his master know that there are some government representatives at the door. Count Dracula reluctantly lets them in, which proves to be an unwise decision as the government repossesses Count Dracula's castle for the people . . . specifically the Romanian gymnastics team, as they plan on converting the residence to a training facility. There's nothing like political commentary in a vampire comedy.

Count Dracula, now evicted from his ancestral homestead, faces off against a horde of displeased villagers as he leaves the area, perhaps ne'er to return. While some guy noodles on a fiddle, Count Dracula unleashes a swath of stink-breath over the villagers and then he hits on a teenager. I guess he's been taking lessons from Roman Polanski. Too soon?

I'd love to know
what the hell's so funny.

After saying goodbye to Romania, Count Dracula and Renfield fly off to America – in a plane; while on the flight, Count Dracula practices Jazz Age lingo, thanks to Renfield buying him a very outdated book of American colloquialisms. Once at JFK, Renfield gets Count Dracula through customs by recounting a gruesome story about a safari gone awry to the customs agent. I never would have thought TWA would show Faces of Death as an in-flight movie to inspire that tale. With his precious cargo safely in hand, Renfield rides a private Beetle into Manhattan, which probably has some sort of comedic significance that's worn off in the past thirty years.

Meanwhile, in a Baptist church, George Jefferson (Sherman Helmsley) performs a funeral for a pimp. Unfortunately for all involved, Renfield claimed the wrong casket at the airport, as Count Dracula crashes the service midway through the eulogy, freaking out the mourners. After Reverend George Jefferson jumps out a window, Count Dracula takes his leave and wanders the streets of Harlem, where he does a Borat impression for some local miscreants. The miscreants, who must be Brüno fans, step to Count Dracula, but he foils them with his magical powers.

Later that night, Count Dracula tracks down Renfield and slaps him around. After Renfield recovers from the traditional henchman abuse, he leaves the next day to follow some chick with a gold lamé pantsuit and no bra. Ah, the '70s, when lingerie was like kryptonite. Sadly, the braless chick isn't Renfield's quarry, as he's instead trying to track down the model for his master. Speaking of masters and henchmen, I wonder who would win in a fight between Renfield and Manos, the Hands of Fate's Torgo? Anyway, Renfield visits the model's agent, who's mockingly skeptical of Renfield's proposal in Count Dracula's stead. Of course, Renfield does convince her when he pulls a cobra out of his lunchbox! Strangely, that sentence sounds much dirtier than it probably should.

What's Albert Einstein
doing here?

That evening, Count Dracula goes to see the model, Cindy Sondheim (Susan Saint James, who later, unbelievably, went on to be "Kate" on Kate & Allie), who's busy on a photoshoot in Central Park. Because Count Dracula is just so totally into her, he makes a dog urinate on a grumpy cop and ruin the photoshoot. Though Cindy doesn't mind the dog, the grumpy cop sends the dog to the pound . . . but the one hitch is that the dog is actually Count Dracula in disguise! After Count Dracula buys a dog license to free himself from the pound, he complains to Renfield in their hotel room. Whatever happens, I really hope that Renfield doesn't end up as Count Dracula's "Ducky."

After recovering from his harrowing internment, Count Dracula goes to the roof of the hotel and turns into a bat. He tours the city for a bit before entertaining himself by flying into an open bedroom and interrupting a couple getting it on. OK, that's just freaky. After the nerdy guy shoos the bat from the room – while calling it his "ex-wife," Count Dracula flies up to Spanish Harlem, where a family of stereotypical immigrants tries to kill and eat him because he's a "black chicken." And here I thought that was only something that could be found in Chinatown. Count Dracula, overcome with hunger, kills a hobo and gets hammered on his blood.

Back at the hotel, Count Dracula, hungover, freaks out because New York sucks, which is keeping him from doing the same. Renfield, pitying his boss, gives Count Dracula a pep talk, so Count Dracula plans on a change in style since he's so old-fashioned in the very modern world . . . of the late '70s. Of course, if he just waited thirty years, he's be a pop-culture icon . . . with teen and pre-teen girls. I guess it's better than nothing; right, Robert Pattinson? Anyway, after Count Dracula's change of heart, Renfield cheers him up with a little surprise: the whereabouts of Cindy Sondheim!

It's almost tragic most
people remember her as
a sitcom mom.

With this crucial information in hand, Count Dracula hits the town and ends up at a disco club, which looks awfully familiar. After Count Dracula tells the flamboyant doorman the password, he saunters through the presumably coked-up crowd and finds Cindy on the phone in the corner, though he's not shocked to find out that she's a slutty alcoholic drug addict. Maybe Count Dracula isn't as old-fashioned as he thinks he is, or it could just be that he's totally enamored with her. Cindy, who's so drugged up that she's unaware of the danger she's in, invites Count Dracula to join her and, after a cursory conversation, he reveals that he knows her kinkiest secrets – she likes her ankles licked, which is more odd than kinky in my opinion – but that's enough for her to invite him home . . . but first, they dance!

After the dance, Count Dracula and Cindy retire to her pigsty and he finds out that she's a huge fan of Richard Benjamin. Well, he was in every movie made in the '70s, so that makes sense. While Count Dracula tours her humble abode, Cindy gets all sexed up for him, which pretty much involves her taking off her wig and revealing a mousy hairstyle underneath. Ooh . . . so hot. Cindy does make up for it by cracking open a bottle of Dom Perignon and lighting up a joint as well. Count Dracula has no interest in such pleasures, though, so he simply seduces Cindy, even though she's only interested in sex. Something tells me Count Dracula doesn't seem to mind, as he vamps out on her anyway.

The next day, Cindy goes to see her therapist, who just so happens to be Richard Benjamin. Well, I guess it's good for him to have a career to fall back on in case that acting thing doesn't work out. As Cindy describes, in graphic detail, her tryst with Count Dracula, Richard Benjamin becomes more and more jealous, finally flying into a rage and freaking out because Cindy isn't just cheating on him, but she's also a nymphomaniac. In order to rub it in because Richard Benjamin won't propose to her, Cindy shows off her bite marks and Richard Benjamin has an epiphany because he just so happens to be descended from the legendary Van Helsing! Funny, he doesn't look anything like Hugh Jackman. Anyway, thanks to his ancestry, Richard Benjamin knows all about Count Dracula, but Cindy thinks he's loony. Meanwhile, Richard Benjamin wants to torment Count Dracula as a measure of REVENGE!

There are some times
when it's GOOD
to be Richard Benjamin.

That evening, much to drivers' chagrin, Count Dracula rides a carriage through the streets of New York. After his scenic jaunt, Count Dracula joins Cindy and Richard Benjamin at dinner, where Count Dracula and Richard Benjamin match wits and Cindy complains about gays. No, really. After Cindy finishes her homophobic diatribe, Richard Benjamin gives her a garlic necklace as a token of his affection . . . wait, I mean "protection." Cindy isn't quite appreciative of the notion, and she's even more put out when Count Dracula and Richard Benjamin try to hypnotize each other, so she gets bored and leaves.

After Count Dracula and Richard Benjamin reach a stalemate and retire from their duel, Count Dracula visits Cindy's apartment and breaks in, which I didn't think vampires could do, unless her previous invitation was permanent. Just because Count Dracula's so forceful, Cindy forgives him, but, before they can get it on again, Count Dracula has to skedaddle because the sun is coming up. Meanwhile, Richard Benjamin goes to the local police station and, while there, gets a miscreant out of trouble with the awesome power of psychology. The lieutenant on duty (Dick Shawn) is incredulous, but lets the kid go . . . until Richard Benjamin tells him all about Count Dracula, which causes the lieutenant to rescind his amnesty and have Richard Benjamin forcibly ejected from the premises.

Sometime later, Richard Benjamin dresses as a Shriner – but, sadly, he leaves the little car at home – and bribes his way into Count Dracula's hotel. While Count Dracula sleeps peacefully, Richard Benjamin breaks into his room and – after having a psychological debate with himself – sets the coffin on fire! While Richard Benjamin gloats and watches his rival burn, the hotel staff busts into the room to put out the fire while Richard Benjamin gets arrested and sent to Bellevue hospital.

After an indeterminate amount of time, Cindy visits Richard Benjamin in the loony bin and brings lots of Kentucky Fried Chicken, which has to be yet another strange occurrence of product placement. Or the mentally imbalanced love fried chicken. Richard Benjamin, so moved by the sight of the Colonel's chicken, proposes to Cindy, but she's reluctant. Richard Benjamin, not willing to take no for an answer – or to let Count Dracula turn his ersatz girlfriend into a vampire, sweet talks Cindy into busting him out, and she obliges.

Gumby gets down, unaware
that there may be
vampires nearby.

That night, Count Dracula and Renfield infiltrate a blood bank, where Renfield intimidates a nurse with a mouse and Count Dracula steals some blood bags for his on sustenance. Later, Count Dracula joins Cindy for dinner once again and he gives her a necklace of his own . . . though not a pearl necklace. Judging by her proclivities, though, she's probably be into that. Because she likes oysters, of course. Perverts. After Cindy marvels at her gift, things take a turn for the maudlin as she then laments that she's torn between being an independent slut and loving Count Dracula. I'm going to bet Count Dracula is thinking to himself, "why couldn't she do both?" Though with a Romanian accent. Before Cindy can come to a decision, Richard Benjamin shows up and shoots Count Dracula with three silver bullets, which do absolutely nothing except get him arrested again.

Later that night, Count Dracula and Cindy end up in bed together again and, this time, she turns the tables on him by biting him, which he kind of digs. Meanwhile, the lieutenant visits Richard Benjamin, who's locked safely in a padded cell, because he needs help solving a series of vampire-esque murders in the city. To that end, the lieutenant, perhaps against his better judgment, springs Richard Benjamin from the asylum and they team up to visit Cindy, who doesn't let them in to her apartment because she's in love with Count Dracula and they need a search warrant.

Richard Benjamin and the lieutenant, following proper procedure, attempt to procure a search warrant from the local judiciary, but they have the misfortune of ending up in the courtroom of Judge Weezie Jefferson (Isabel Sanford). Judge Jefferson, upon learning that the warrant is meant to investigate a vampire, freaks out at Richard Benjamin and the lieutenant and refuses the request on account of Roots. No, really. I don't get it either.

The lieutenant and Richard Benjamin, not content to let Count Dracula get away scot free – or with Cindy, go rogue and head back to the hotel, where Richard Benjamin breaks into Count Dracula's hotel room and beats up Renfield with a broom. Cindy, also on hand, freaks out at Richard Benjamin's vigilance, so he knocks her out and kidnaps her. Alas, before they can get away and he can send her to rehab – as well as, I suppose, an exorcist, they end up stuck in an elevator during a city-wide power failure. Dum-dum-DUM!

While the lieutenant waits impatiently downstairs, Count Dracula tracks down Cindy and Richard Benjamin, who the other elevator passengers are busy beating up. While some old lady steals a payphone from the lieutenant, Count Dracula rescues Cindy and makes a break for the airport. Meanwhile, power is restored and Richard Benjamin meets up with the lieutenant so they can give chase. In the process of the chase, Count Dracula and Cindy get stuck in traffic, so Count Dracula hypnotizes the hapless cabbie into becoming a stunt driver, hastening their trip.

Eventually, after much hilarity, Count Dracula and Cindy end up at the airport while Richard Benjamin and the lieutenant arrive moments later and, though believing to be too late, they run through the airport anyway. I guess Richard Benjamin always wanted to feel like O.J. Simpson; judging from his earlier behavior toward Cindy and Count Dracula, it's evident that it was in more ways than just this. Meanwhile, on the runway, Count Dracula and Cindy have a tiff as their flight to Jamaica – as, thanks to a mix-up by the airline, that is where Count Dracula's coffin is headed – as the plane taxis away. While Richard Benjamin and the lieutenant catch up to them, Cindy finally makes a decision regarding her nebulous love life and lets Count Dracula vamp her out one last time. Simultaneously, Richard Benjamin produces a wooden stake, which he uses to stab Count Dracula's cloak . . . as Count Dracula and Cindy are gone! In the aftermath, Richard Benjamin and the lieutenant bond over the cloak while Count Dracula and Cindy fly off to immortal freedom. How sweet.

Like many movies I've seen, Love at First Bite isn't actively bad, it's just really, really dated. This is a film that is definitely a product of the late '70s, as it has the funk of disco all over it. The acting is as decent as it needs to be, with Hamilton at his campy best – as generally usual – and Benjamin an entertaining, neurotic foil. It's not great, but it is entertaining, and that definitely makes it a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as I take on another vampire-infused horror comedy, this time with a touch of soul. And then, after that: Twilight. See you then!