The Big Screen Bulletin 10.26.09: The Worst Movies of the Alphabet (From A-J)

Posted by Chad Webb on 10.26.2009

You've had the best, now take the worst. This week the Big Screen Bulletin begins its illustrious list of "The Worst Movies of the Alphabet" to celebrate the 200th issue. It's been a long and strange road, and it will only get stranger in the final stretch.

As I thought about handing off the Bulletin to someone else, I wanted to finish it off with something fun, and one of the things I loved putting together was The Best Movies of the Alphabet in 2007 to celebrate my 100th issue. Now I am up to 200, but before I let Steve Gustafson take over for good, I figured I finish the alphabet special with "The Worst Movies of the Alphabet." I had debated on whether or not I should for a long time, but it should be a blast nonetheless.

I try to see a mixture of movies from bad to great. I will basically watch anything no matter how old, new, or obscure it might be. It is worth noting that in the past 2 decades, we have endured some of the worst pieces of junk in cinema history. Bad movies have been made since the beginning, but Hollywood has found new ways of making us cringe that are astonishing. This list has an emphasis on movies that are fairly recent, but trust me, they deserve to be there, and I have done my research on all sorts of horrid flicks just to make sure.

It's important for any film buff to watch a mixture of movies in terms of how poor or strong the quality is because it allows us to truly appreciate what is good and what is not. Watching nothing but bad films or nothing but great films doesn't really teach you much. That being said, we can learn a lot from bad movies, and those who contributed to making them. Hopefully this list will teach you something. I'm not sure what that might be, but if I can prevent someone from taking a chance on one of these, my mission is accomplished. And for those who enjoy seeking how the worst available, at least I tried to warn you.

I must also tell you one other thing, and I will only put it in all caps so your eyes immediately see it since I'm aware many just skip to the list itself. YOU WILL NOT FIND ANY FILMS FEATURED IN MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 ON THIS LIST. Complain if you want, but I don't think they count. Sure, those are bad movies, but in my eyes you need seek out and experience the horribleness on your own, without the humorous commentary. It is important to really watch the film in a straight and pure manner and feel the anger of enduring it. So you will not see Manos: The Hands of Fate. Sorry.

Of course I probably haven't seen every movie some consider to be the worst ever, but I have a hefty amount under my belt. I hope you enjoy what I have put together. I will post 2 more parts in upcoming weeks.

A is for...
	A*P*E

A*P*E

Directed By: Paul Leder
Written By: Paul & Rueben Leder
Starring: Rod Arrants, Joanna Kerns, and Alex Nicol
Release Date: October 1976
The Plot: A newly discovered 36-foot gorilla escapes from a freighter off the coast of Korea. At the same time an American actress is filming a movie in the country. Chaos ensues as the ape kidnaps her and rampages through Seoul.
Alphabet Trivia: How was this film originally shot?

Watching this film from start to finish is the very definition of the "chore." While viewing this putrid excuse for a B-movie, I was able to clean my house, pay my bills, help my fiancée with wedding planning, and feed the cat. You see, because so much agonizing time goes by where we watch the monster knock down model sets of houses, or watch the military procedural shots where cars and helicopters are moving, one can do just about anything they wish, and still understand everything that occurs. The "Ape" suit looks more like a blanket my grandmother knitted than the costume of a fierce creature. The wires controlling various props are also quite visible in many scenes, and you gotta love the rock slide at the end where hundreds of Koreans get hit by Styrofoam boulders that barely scratch them.

Joanna Kerns is the female in peril here. Poor Fay Wray. She didn't deserve to be compared with the mom from Growing Pains. She screams for what feels like 4 hours straight when the ape captures her. She eventually says he seems gentle, then starts screaming hysterically again. When she does get caught, she basically runs directly into the damn ape's hand, apparently not seeing the gargantuan claw or body in front of her. In the opening shot, two sailors are busy talking when one spots the ape, and yells "Shi*" with dubbing, which is just odd and a rare comical moment. We are then privy to a fight with a shark, which instantly placed me into "zombie" mode until out of nowhere in the middle of the picture, the ape gives the finger to those shooting at him. This was funny, but totally out of place as the filmmakers clearly want this to be taken as a serious effort. Among the gripping scenes is a military official obsessed with cigarettes, an oblivious hang glider, and fleeing townspeople that have SMILES on their faces when they are supposed to be scared.

They also mention King Kong on a number of occasions. For this letter, there was no question, A*P*E is beyond terrible, and worthy of this spot.

B is for...
	Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000

Directed By: Roger Christian
Written By: Corey Mandell and J.D. Shapiro
Starring: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, and Kim Coates
Release Date: May 12, 2000
The Plot: After enslavement & near extermination by an alien race in the year 3000, humanity begins to fight back.
Alphabet Trivia: How many Golden Raspberry awards did this film win?

There are some films that have attained the status of a bad movie with the help of media hype. The selection for "B" may be an obvious one, but believe the hype. Believe everything you have ever heard about this movie. It is as bad as they say, and then some. The entire production is a garbage dump, and the finished product is an insult to certain cast members. John Travolta is responsible for championing this story into production, and it is based on a novel by L. Ron Hubbard, founder of the Church of Scientology. That should have been the clue to studio executives on whether or not it should be given the "go ahead" or "greenlight." Someone should have replied "John, we'd rather watch another installment with Tony Manero before seeing you in dreadlocks." No one said that, and now this remains a stain on the cinematic catalogue.

Barry Pepper is so irritating and silly to watch as Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, you almost feel sorry for him. Oscar winner Forest Whitaker is Ker, and it is truly mind blowing that Whitaker can transition from award worthy efforts to utter trash so quickly. He does it regularly. Richard Tyson is also involved, another indication on how your film is going to be. Wisely, the Farrelly brothers use him in small cameo roles every now and then. The direction of Roger Christian could have been handled by someone in pre-school. If he does show any sign of intelligence or leadership, it is impossible to notice. The special effects are beyond horrendous, and the action is so unreservedly retarded and unspeakably repulsive it makes Michael Bay look like Martin Scorsese. The plot is convoluted, nonsensical, inconsistent, and most criminally of all, it is boring as hell. If you understood ANY of what transpired in the final portion, you need to inform the world, or better yet, add it to Wikipedia. I heard the novel was 800+ pages. My brain would have switched to hibernate mode.

This is a movie that "borrows" from just about any sci-fi epic you can imagine. Maybe they forgot to steal the good parts of those films. I don't think there are enough cruel and malicious adjectives in Webster's dictionary that could appropriately describe how life-changingly horrid Battlefield Earth is.

C is for...
	Car 54, Where Are You?

Car 54, Where Are You?

Directed By: Bill Fishman
Written By: Erik Tarloff, Ebbe Roe Smith, Peter McCarthy, Peter Crabbe
Starring: David Johansen, John C. McGinley, Fran Drescher, Rosie O' Donnell, and Daniel Baldwin
Release Date: January 28, 1994
The Plot: Brash NYC policeman Officer Gunther Toody is partnered with stiff, by-the-book Officer Francis Muldoon to protect an important mafia witness prior to testifying against organized crime in Brooklyn, all the while dealing with their personal lives, overbearing spouses, common criminals, arms dealers, and their officious boss Captain Anderson.
Alphabet Trivia: How many years prior to its release was this filmed?

How does one construct a bad TV adaptation? Let me count the ways. Well for starters, you take a show that was over 3 decades old at the time, and in my opinion, not near good enough to consider transforming to the big screen, and decide that it is time new audiences meet the characters. This is likely not just one of the worst TV adaptations, but one of the very worst films I have seen period. You take Officer Gunther Toody, a slapdash police officer, portrayed by David Johansen. He is will go down in history as one of the most annoying people in history. He is so maddening to listen to, my ears started to bleed. Toody's partner is Francis Muldoon, played by John C. McGinley. McGinley is generally a very commendable actor. However, he has played law enforcement figures many times in the past, most recently as a highway patrolman in Wild Hogs. Why he insists on embarrassing himself is beyond me, but he is painful to watch here. If this wasn't enough, I failed to mention the women. Toody's wife is the unbearable Rosie ‘O Donnell, and Muldoon's love interest is the piercing Fran Drescher. It is not a lie readers, the cast and crew wanted to punish the audience into oblivion, and they damn near got the job done on my end.

Of course since this is a cop story, we must have the inevitable parody of the show COPS, this time called "Boys in Blue." You have Officer Leo Schnauzer, played by Al Lewis from the original series, watching himself on The Munsters. How could anyone have thought that would have been funny? You have "O Donnell shaking her boobs, Jeremy Piven rapping (He gets lost amongst the other horrible acting), endless scenes involving Nathan's hot dogs, jokes about tossing salads, boogers, and inane cameos where the celebrities look foolish. In Tone Loc's case, he accomplishes that on his own, but you have Penn & Teller around, and the biggest crime of all is the Ramones, a great band, performing. This movie gives new meaning to the term dumb. Somehow it is very amused with its jokes and disturbingly horrid plot. The casting was abominable, the direction was laughable, and this craps on any positive legacy the series possessed. Perhaps this film is the reason why that show has yet to arrive on DVD.

The director of this little treat was Bill Fishman, a man whose career consists of offerings that are quite spread out from when he began. His previous two projects were both music related, concerning Ryan Cabrera and Jessica Simpson. He is rumored to be attached to a new Dolemite film. Someone stop him NOW! Some may think Halle Berry's Catwoman should have made the cut. That movie was close, but its emphasis on silly prevented me from choosing it. This was just torturous.

D is for...
	Disaster Movie

Disaster Movie

Directed By: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Written By: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Starring: Matt Lanter, Vanessa Minnillo, Nicole Parker, and Kim Kardashian
Release Date: August 29, 2008
The Plot: Over the course of one evening, an unsuspecting group of twenty-somethings find themselves bombarded by a series of natural disasters and catastrophic events.
Alphabet Trivia: How long did this occupy the #1 slot on the IMDB bottom 100?

What movie fans were bludgeoned with when Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer received paying jobs was one horrific and depressing spoof after the other. Every time one would be released, we said to ourselves "It can't get worse than this", but it always did. The first Scary Movie was passable, and then it all went downhill fast with sequels to that film which didn't need it. Shortly thereafter, other studios and writers would be making spoof movies. The list could go on and on, but we'll stick to Friedberg and Seltzer. Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, and the granddaddy of them all, the absolute rock bottom…Disaster Movie. My worst film of last year was College. I had not seen Disaster Movie before the year's end. As soon as I did, I knew my list would have been altered. If there was a line to cross, they literally flew over it with repugnant piece of work.

Disaster Movie actually mocked blockbuster films that had not even been released yet (Hancock, Iron Man, etc.). They were formulating gags based on the trailers, and God damn, there should be a law in place! The songs are excruciating, the acting stoops to a level of awfulness I thought unattainable, the direction will go unchallenged for sheer laziness, and the writing could not be more uncreative. Why is this happening? Every time one of these movies lands in theaters, the same cries and complaints are heard. But someone is paying money to see them. I have not. I find a free means of watching this junk mainly so my "Worst of the year" lists can be accurate. If I rent them, I use a free rental coupon, and if none of these options exist, I simply do not see it. I remember one staffer on this very site (who shall go unnamed) made the statement that these movies are supposed to be horrible, and that's why they're funny. There are so many things wrong and vehemently false about that comment, I wouldn't know where to begin. Thankfully the remaining scripts of this duo are stuck deep in development, but be forewarned if you see trailers for: Raunchy Movie and Remembering the Titans On Any Given Sunday Gives Me The Varsity Blues.

This is the only time you'll see me quote another critic (Josh Rosenblatt from the Austin Chronicle), and I'm only doing it know because I couldn't have said it better myself: "There's no nice way to say this, so I'll just say it: Writer/directors Friedberg and Seltzer are a scourge. They're a plague on our cinematic landscape, a national shame, a danger to our culture, a typhoon-sized natural disaster disguised as a filmmaking team, a Hollywood monster wreaking havoc on the minds of America's youth and setting civilization back thousands of years." Amen brother, amen.

E is for...
	Envy

Envy

Directed By: Barry Levinson
Written By: Steve Adams
Starring: Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Rachel Weisz, Amy Poehler, and Christopher Walken
Release Date: April 30, 2004
The Plot: Ben Stiller and Jack Black star as Tim and Nick, best friends, neighbors and co-workers, whose equal footing is suddenly tripped up when one of Nick's harebrained get-rich-quick schemes actually succeeds: Vapoorizer, a spray that literally makes dog poop, or any other kind for that matter, evaporate into thin air -- to where exactly is anyone's guess. Tim, who had scoffed at Nick's idea and passed on an opportunity to get in on the deal, can only watch as Nick's fortune -- and Tim's own envy -- grow to equally outrageous proportions.
Alphabet Trivia: Which star publicly apologized at Cannes Film Festival for this film?

When the plot of your movie revolves around turds, it should go as no surprise that the movie itself is precisely what it focuses on. I challenge any scientists, film historian, or intelligent analyst in any field to examine the lack of consistency in the career of Director Barry Levinson. This is a filmmaker that gave us Diner, Bugsy, The Natural, and Wag the Dog, yet somehow managed to finish Toys, Sphere, and the largest detriment on his resume, Envy. You'd be shocked at how few titles "E" had to offer, but this jumped at me from out of nowhere. I can understand why it was greenlit. If someone pitched a film directed by Barry Levinson, starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Rachel Weisz, and Amy Poehler, I might think it was a guaranteed victory. Unfortunately, the result is the opposite, a dreadful comedy that scores a grand total of zero laughs, and leaves a sour aftertaste in everyone's mouth.

Ben Stiller and Jack Black are naturally funny people, but if the material sucks, then so will they, and that is what happens in Envy. Jack Black proved to the world how annoying he can truly be in his role Nick Vanderpark. I'm assuming Rachel Weisz accepted this role because of Barry Levinson. One has to feel sorry for her, the normally wonderful Oscar-winning actress, reduced to a paper-thin and forgettable part as Stiller's wife. The two have no chemistry. Envy also features Christopher Walken. Now imagine Christopher Walken doing his rambling monologue routine for an entire movie. The mind reels. That is not exactly what we endure here, but Walken certainly gives us a taste of what it would be like. Every single performance is ghastly. Crafting a script around someone who is envious of his friend is not difficult, but Steve Adams shows that not everyone in Hollywood has inherent talent. His tale of envy centers on excrement and a horse. That's right, the bulk of this unbearable 99 minutes has Stiller messing with a dead horse.

And if anyone attempts to make the argument that Envy is a misunderstood black/dark comedy, then let me tell you flat-out: "You do not know what a successful dark comedy is." This is an example of hitting all the wrong notes. Stiller's character of Tim eventually apologizes to Nick, and it is quite honestly one of the most tedious scenes in history as Stiller rattles on for what seems like an eternity. I swear I could sense the pain on Jack Black's face. For a moment, maybe just one second, you can spot his true feelings. He knew what a huge mistake this movie was, but it was too late.

F is for…
	From Justin to Kelly

From Justin to Kelly

Directed By: Robert Iscove
Written By: Kim Fuller
Starring: Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini
Release Date: June 20, 2003
The Plot: Spring break in Miami is the scene. It's where surf-drenched guys cruise girls in bikinis and raucous parties rule day and night. It's the perfect time and place for three young women from Texas and a trio of college guys from Pennsylvania to find adventure and maybe even fall in love.
Alphabet Trivia: What record does this hold?

For all those who thought no musical could possible be worse than Can't Stop the Music or The Wiz, you have not see the American Idol bomb From Justin to Kelly. This is a DVD that should seriously come with a warning label that it may induce vomiting. This begins with super lame opening credits that immediately reveal the desperation for creativity. In the first few minutes, I should have known to shut off the film when the character of Brandon (someone we all want to punch; depicted by Greg Siff) starts rapping, followed by break dancing. From Justin to Kelly has a lot wrong with it, but the primary offense is that all 6 characters are unlikable and stupid. Even Kelly Clarkson, who generally I think is cute, is gullible, unappealing, and stiff as a board here. Don't get me started on Justin Guarini. There's a reason he isn't topping the charts. Not one song is catchy, memorable, or remotely tolerable. The dance sequences would have been better had they been choreographed by Kermit the Frog.

It is hard to describe just how appalling this movie is because it is an endless string of awfulness that's progressively worse. In order for me to explain certain scenes and present examples, I would have to reveal more plot details than you could handle. If I just copied and pasted random dialogue, you would get the idea. Well, I'll do that once. When Kelly tries to help Justin escape from a pack of wild girls chasing him, they land in the bathroom and can only flee through a window. Justin says "My hair won't fit through there", to which Kelly replies "I'm from Texas. I've seen bigger." Yeah. She then tosses her number, written with lipstick, into the water, so he can call her, and he looks sadly at the ruined paper, and instead of yelling back at her, he lets it go for reasons unclear to all. And so the story continues with Kelly's evil friend Alexa, played by an piercing Katherine Bailess, sending cruel text messages and trying to seduce Justin, while in the meantime, Justin and Kelly still meet up, and neither one asks any questions of the weird texts.

The fact is Kelly and Justin weren't even terrific singers, let alone worthy of being actors. They seem to be sleepwalking through this film. Apparently Robert Iscove had no intention of trying to make them look convincing or passionate, two words that should never be connected with this film. This is an atrocity that will always be with them, lingering with a damaging presence. This movie was never screened for critics, and Kelly Clarkson told TV Guide Online the following: They like stuff like In the Bedroom. They're gonna want to tear into it because all people like to do is build something up to tear it down. This movie shouldn't be screened by the critics [sic] because it's not for them -- it's for the fans." Ummm…what fans? All I have to say is boo hoo Kelly. That was 6 years ago. What would Ms. Clarkson say now?

G is for…
	Glitter

Glitter

Directed By: Vondie Curtis-Hall
Written By: Kate Lanier
Starring: Mariah Carey, Max Beesely, and Terrence Howard
Release Date: September 21, 2001
The Plot: Similar to Mariah's life story. Mariah plays the role of a young singer who is eager to become a big star. She dates a DJ who helps her get into the music business.
Alphabet Trivia: Why was the release date of this film postponed?

No, Gigli is not my choice. While that is a bad movie, I think it suffers from a bit of overhatred because of the whole Bennifer situation. Glitter has it beat. I must admit that the first time I saw Glitter; I knew it was bad, but I did not think all the hate was justified. The more I thought about it however, the worse it got in my head. I suppose this happened because I am a fan of Mariah Carey. I listen to all music, and I do enjoy hers, but Glitter represents more to her career than just a bad movie. It is also her worst album to date, marked the beginning of a string of mediocre albums, and is most nauseatingly, a vanity project for the diva. If someone was to be introduced to Mariah through this movie, how could they not be turned off? The fact is this movie was made when Carey was past her prime, and in turn, it made her look like a narcissistic, desperate sinking ship. This is also a classic case of Hollywood assuming that the status of a celebrity could translate from one field to the next. Glitter is evidence that some musicians just aren't the best actors.

Mariah Carey basically portrays herself, but the character's name is Billie Frank. Her mother is black, and her father is white, but he wants nothing to do with her. What follows is a dumbed down rags to riches story. Now, Carey's performance is bad, but what truly makes Glitter an abysmal experience is the supporting cast that surrounds her. Let's start with her friends Louise and Roxanne, played by Da Brat and Tia Texada. Why did anyone give Da Brat jobs in movies? This is not the only time on the list you'll read about her. They are maddening. One would think that the powers in control would give Carey a co-star to work off of. No, instead they team her with Max Beesely, who was and is known for….nothing. Picturing he and Carey together is not easy, and it might make your brain hurt. Beesely must have had the goal to destroy this film through his performance, and he succeeds. Terrence Howard is underused, but then again, Howard has picked crappy scripts before.

Vondie Curtis-Hall (Waist Deep) directed Glitter, and even though his attempts to spice up the proceedings using annoying camera tricks add to his already poor filmmaking skills, the fault lies more with screenwriter Kate Lanier, whose writing for this film could not have been salvaged by Federico Fellini, let alone Vondie Curtis-Hall. Every aspect of the story is flat, uninspired, and boring with dialogue that induces laughter of embarrassment for those involved. Mariah's cleavage gets more screen time than anyone else, and what makes this an enigma is that since Mariah is essentially playing herself, why does she not seem to care, or possess any speck of heart? Because she sailed through this production for the paycheck, that's why.

Mariah Carey has since completed a few more roles, and is even getting positive buzz for Precious. I wish her luck, but little pieces of Glitter will always be stuck to her.

H is for…
	House of the Dead

House of the Dead

Directed By: Uwe Boll
Written By: Dave Parker and Mark A. Altman
Starring: Jonathan Cherry, Jurgen Prochnow, and Tyron Leitso
Release Date: October 10, 2003
The Plot: A group of teens arrive on an island for a rave--only to discover the island has been taken over by zombies. The group takes refuge in a house where they try to survive the night.
Alphabet Trivia: How many clips of the game appear in this movie?

It was only a matter of time. When you spot the words "worst films" on any website or in any magazine, you automatically think of his name. He is a filmmaker who constantly outdoes himself in terms of mastering the scale of crappage. That man is Uwe Boll, and Alone in the Dark came close to making "A", but another was worse. House of the Dead on the other hand is unquestionably the worst film for the letter "H". The first Uwe Boll film I watched was BloodRayne, which was cruddy, but still one of his "best" efforts. I have not seen every one of his films, but I find it hard to believe that anything could beat House of the Dead if one was ranking his worst. Of course it is based on a video game because Boll has a monopoly on video game adaptation rights. It is not just based on a game though. It is based on one of the worst arcade games in history. Yes, I've played it. We all have to pass the time. In the game House of the Dead, you kill zombies and that's it. Guess what the plot of the movie is.

Here again we have a group of irritating and obnoxious rich kids. They are trying to go to a rave located on an island, but they don't have a ride. They pay Clint Howard and Jurgen Prochnow, and amazingly, the richest guy (an underwear model) carries thousands of dollars in his pocket. This island is pricey I suppose. This film even tosses out references to Scooby-Doo and George A. Romero, and also includes horrible European club music as part of the soundtrack. Fortunately, once they are on the island and fleeing from the zombies, Prochnow's character is a smuggler of illegal weapons. Wow is all I could say. The acting is dreadful, but you knew that. I refuse to list any other members of the cast. They don't deserve it. The backstory concerns a Spanish prisoner of something lame. The action is poorly constructed and magically the characters transition from spoiled rich morons to highly trained combat soldiers.

Boll integrates numerous 360 shot techniques during the fight scenes that do nothing but make us dizzy. His direction does not have an flicker of competence, but that also, is old news. The script uses lines like "It's almost too quiet" and "I have a bad feeling." Yes, that's true. Bash the film all you want, but if you eliminated every flaw I mentioned, there is one that is unforgivable: Laced with the live-action sludge are clips of the actual game! Why would anyone want to watch clips of a game they can play on their own time? If nothing else, House of the Dead should be awarded a statue for sheer unadulterated laziness.

I is for…
	It's Pat: The Movie

It's Pat: The Movie

Directed By: Adam Bernstein
Written By: Julia Sweeney, Jim Emerson, and Stephen Hibbert
Starring: Julia Sweeney, Dave Foley, and Charles Rocket
Release Date: August 24, 1994
The Plot: Pat Riley, an obnoxious busybody of undeterminable sex, meets and falls in love with Chris, a sensitive, caring person also of undeterminable sex. Their relationship suffers because Pat's a lout, and cannot decide on a direction for its life. Meanwhile, Pat's neighbor Kyle falls further and further into obsession with Pat, fascinated by its indeterminate sexuality.
Alphabet Trivia: Who provided a cameo that ended up on the cutting room floor?

I whole heartedly admit that I say "This is one of the worst films of all-time" more than I should. It tends to happen. However, one of the first films to literally make me angry, make me want to break the VHS, was It's Pat: The Movie. If I had a top 5 list of my least favorite films ever, this was surely be on there. I have no idea why I rented this when I was a kid. I want to go back in time and slap my younger self in the face. If I remember correctly, my parents were away that night, and I decided it would be fun to rent a good comedy. When it was all over, my life was different. I was permanently changed, and what made it worse was that I was totally and completely alone. I had no one to run and cry to, no one to hold me and say "Chad, it will be ok", and no one to threaten Blockbuster for displaying it. I had to soak in every part of misery at that young age, and for that, I will never forgive anyone involved in this film. I have not written about this film, or thought about it in many years. The hatred I have kept buried is like a ball of deadly dynamite ready to explode.

Like Jennifer Love Hewitt in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, I have tried to eradicate the memories of that night from my head. "There are no movies about undeterminable genders" is a part of my daily mantra. With some really bad films, you're not sure who to put the blame on. For It's Pat: The Movie, the culprit is obvious. She is the star and the screenwriter: Julia Sweeney. Her character is more obnoxious and unfunny than anything Uwe Boll could conjure from his head. Sweeney whines and snorts to the point of wanting to break things just to vent your frustration. It also stars Dave Foley, a person that I find humorous under normal circumstances, but here as the equally mysterious Chris, he is just as grating as Sweeney. Another woman I am not a fan of, Kathy Griffin, also appears to battle for most obnoxious personality. This is a one joke movie, and as such, it fails miserably since no one could care less about that joke. Adam Bernstein made his feature debut with this sorry excuse for a movie, and afterwards, he stuck with directing television.

The movie clocks in at 77 minutes, which feels like 77 hours. That might be a cheesy line, but it is funnier than anything in It's Pat. Mercifully, it is out of print on DVD, and hopefully will stay that way. The minor bits of trivia on IMDB are always interesting, but in the case of this movie, they included one which makes me want to stop reviewing films. Quentin Tarantino, a friend of Julia Sweeney's, helped with this script uncredited. Say it ain't so QT!

J is for…
	Jaws: The Revenge

Jaws: The Revenge

Directed By: Joseph Sargent
Written By: Michael De Guzman
Starring: Lorraine Gary, Michael Caine, Lance Guest, and Mario Van Peebles
Release Date: July 17, 1987
The Plot: The long suffering wife of Chief Brody decides she's had enough of Amity and heads off to the Caribbean to join her son, daughter-in-law and grandchild. However, the shark with an attitude just won't leave her alone... did it follow her?, is it the same shark ?
Alphabet Trivia: What comedian considers this the worst movie of all-time?

I own the first Jaws film on DVD. It is a Steven Spielberg classic. The sequels however, are all horrid, and Jaws: The Revenge is the worst by far. I remember channel surfing as a kid and stumbling across various films. Oddly enough, whenever I spotted a shark on TV, the movie was almost always Jaws: The Revenge. Furthermore, the segment I commonly turned on to was when she spears the damn shark with the boat, and even then I thought "How is that possible?" I feel like I have seen that movie at least a dozen times as a child, but it has been many years since then that I have ever revisited the dirt that is this fourth installment so forgive me if my memory is foggy. Sometimes you need your colleagues to jolt you in the right direction. Coincidently, we discussed bad sequels on a recent podcast, and Jaws: The Revenge was one we all agreed on. I was going to pick Junior for this slot because I truly hate that movie, but during the podcast it hit me that this was much worse. I tried to block it out of my mind, so thanks guys.

Lorraine Gary was married to Chief Executive Officer Sid Sheinberg for Universal at the time, and perhaps she thought this would be a pathway to stardom. This was her final role. I wonder why? The list of questions that are unanswered is endless. Why do sharks hold a grudge against this family? How does Ellen Brody (Gary) know about certain flashbacks? I could go on, but you get the idea. Only when Erik Luers mentioned it on the podcast did I recall how bad the editing fro Michael Brown was. Many sequences are assembled in a fashion that makes little sense. I would also say that this is the worst of the model sharks in this franchise as in many moments it looks artificial. Director Joseph Sargent must have given orders with a blindfold and ear plugs during the filming. Of course Roy Scheider was not involved in this film, and why would he be? Michael Caine was though, as a local pilot, and the audience even has to put up with a tiresome sub-plot where Ellen's son is jealous of this new man. Give me a break. The errors in continuity and the revealing mistakes list on IMDB is a mile long. You could devote a book to how bad this movie is. And according to this film, the events in Jaws 3-D never happened, but compared to all the other offenses this film commits, that is small.

Michael Caine even passed up his chance to accept his Oscar for Hannah and Her Sisters because of his commitment to Jaws: The Revenge. I'd bet his buddies still rag on him for that. Michael Caine was of course asked about this movie in various interviews. He had this to say: "I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific." Well, at least one positive ting came out of this movie. I on the other hand must live with always having that boat ram scene pop into my head at the mere mention of Jaws. It is evidence that a movie can scar for life.

Dishonorable Mention

Alone in the Dark
Caligula
Catwoman
The Hottie and the Nottie
Going Overboard
Freddy Got Fingered
The Conqueror
Ballistics: Ecks vs. Sever
Howard the Duck
Captain America
I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
Godzilla (1998)
Beowulf (1999)
Junior

Alphabet Trivia Answers: A) in 3-D , B) 7, C) 4, D) 4 months, E) Jack Black, F) fastest release from theater to DVD: 29 days, G) Mariah was hospitalized as a result of an "emotional and physical breakdown", H) 32, I) Harvey Keitel, J) Richard Jeni

The MeeThinks Friday Freethinks - Thanks to John Meehan for providing my banner throughout this special series.

All movie poster images are from impawards.com, and other movie data is from imdb.com.