The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 10.26.09: Issue #78
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 10.26.2009
We celebrate Halloween by taking a look at two slasher flicks, "Drive Thru" (2007) and "Final Remains" (2005). One is good, and one is very, very bad. Read on to find out which one is which!
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never had the opportunity to put a pin in anything, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number seventy-eight, I take a look at two slasher flicks in celebration of that very special holiday that, as of this writing, is only five days away (that is if you start counting at Tuesday), Halloween. I did something like this last year, but it was a month long look at slasher movies, which is what I planned on doing again this year until my sudden hiatus put the kibosh on all of that. However, with about a week left in the month of October there's still time to do at least one issue featuring slasher movies, so why not attempt to keep up the tradition?
Yeah, I couldn't think of a reason not to continue doing it, either.
So, without any further hooha, here's my look at two slasher flicks, one good, one really, really, really bad. Those slasher flicks? "Drive Thru," which came out in 2007, and "Final Remains" (also known as "Mortuary") which appeared before the world in DVD form back in 2005. Read on to see which one is the good one and which one is the other one.
"Drive Thru"
"Drive Thru," written and directed by Brendan Cowles and Shane Kuhn, is one of the best slasher flicks of the last decade. It's true, it really is that dang good. Featuring a superb cast, competent direction, a bevy of interesting, gory kills and, most importantly, a scary slasher villain, "Drive Thru" stars Leighton Meester as Mackenzie Carpenter, a hip and edgy seventeen year old girl that finds herself smack dab in the middle of a gruesome murder spree perpetrated against her friends by a man dressed up as a famous clown (well, famous in the movie, not in real life). For whatever reason, Mackenzie's friends and acquaintances are being wiped out by a killer dressed up as Horny the Clown, the mascot of the fast food burger franchise called Hella-Burger. Why this is happening is a bit of a mystery to her and her boyfriend Fisher (Nicholas D'Agosto), not to mention the local cops (as played by Lola Glaudini as Detective Brenda Chase and Larry Joe Campbell as Detective Dwayne Crockers). Why the heck would someone dress up like Horny and go around killing teenagers?
As you'd expect there is a reason for the killer's freaky clown get up and the piles of young, nubile dead bodies, and it all has to do with a nasty event from the past. I won't come out and say specifically what that nasty event is, but I will say that it isn't a cheap cheat. The reason for the killer's penchant for killing actually makes a kind of sense. It's a twisted sense, yes, but it never once feels like a bunch of hooey thrown together at the last second because someone couldn't come up with a motivation or an ending.
The one thing you'll notice as soon as the movie starts is how good it looks. "Drive Thru" is one fine looking low budget slasher horror flick. It's got a slick, polished look that helps differentiate it from other recent slasher flicks that are all about that grainy, scratched look that's supposed to make a movie feel more immediate and "real." You can also see what the hell is going on most of the time, despite frequent jump cuts during the death scenes. The movie also has an excellent soundtrack that uses various modern heavy metal/hard rock/alternative rock songs to amp up both the terror and the excitement when it's necessary to do so (I'm going to assume that all of the songs used in the movie are from small bands very few people have heard of, but then again I'm not an expert on modern heavy meta;/hard rock/alternative rock so I could be wrong about that). So few people believe that rock music/heavy metal like music can ever be scary, or at least scary in a horror movie. "Drive Thru" should be seen as the exception to that rule/observation.
The gore scenes are very well done, as well. The best gore/kill scene features a guy getting cut in half. There's also a great scene where a guy gets his face dipped into a deep fryer (the aftermath of the scene is both gruesome and hilarious). It's always great to see any movie, but especially a low budget movie, to spend some cash on blood and guts (way too many low budget slasher flicks try to get by on a minimum of gore, which would be fine if the moviemakers were competent at building suspense. Sad to say very few are, so what you usually end up with is a limp, lame borefest. "Bloody Murder" I'm looking right at you).
Now, the flick's ending is a little iffy. I won't go into specific spoilers here, but I will ask this: are we supposed to believe that the killer's essence has passed on to someone else, or is the killer just not dead because he's, well, the killer and a bad guy and demonic and all that? There's also a bit involving an Ouija board that doesn't come off as interesting or as scary as it should (of course, this just may be part of my lack of belief in that "talking to the spirit world" bullshit. It's a scene that just doesn't work). Those are the flick's only two real issues/problems.
Leighton Meester does a great job as Mackenzie Carpenter. She plays Mackenzie, at times, a tad too hip and edgy for my tastes, but she's never annoying, and that's always a plus in these kinds of movies. Nicholas D'Agosto also does a fine job as Mackenzie's boyfriend Fisher Kent. Melora Hardin is excellent as Marcia Carpenter, Mackenzie's mother. I was surprised at how much she actually figures into the end of the movie. I actually expected to see her bite the big one by halfway. I was also surprised at how hot she was. When was the last time you saw a hot mother character that wasn't a prick/douchebag/drunk in a slasher flick?
Lola Glaudini is easily the biggest surprise of the movie, as she never once goes through the motions with her character Detective Brenda Chase. When I first saw her I wanted to know why she was essentially slumming here, especially after appearing on the hit crime show "Criminal Minds." Why the heck was she doing a slasher movie? But she's obviously very game here and does a great job as the cop trying to decipher the mystery of the Hella-Burger murders. Larry Joe Campbell is hysterical as Chase's partner Dwayne Crockers. You could call Crockers a loveable asshole and he has great stupid chemistry with Glaudini. I think you'll also love his final scene. I know I did.
Now, the flick does boast a sort of special guest appearance by Morgan Spurlock, the man behind the documentary "Super Size Me." Spurlock does a fine job playing the exact opposite character you'd expect him to play, especially considering what he did in "Super Size Me" (if you haven't seen that documentary, which was nominated for an Oscar, you really should). He's not a bad actor, as long as the character and situation is goofy. And Van De La Plante does an exceptional job as the flick's killer Horny the Clown. His physical presence is incredibly intimidating. Why hasn't he been offered more roles in the same vein? Why isn't he the next Kane Hodder?
"Drive Thru" is a great slasher horror movie, one that, if you're a fan of the genre and a horror movie fan in general, need to see. Seek it out, check it out, and enjoy.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous young hoodlums doing pot in a van, gratuitous young hoodlum arguing with a fast food drive thru clown head, gratuitous deep fryer attack, a melting face, gratuitous hip and edgy girl rock band opening credits song, a costume designer named "Matt Burger," camera kissing, people smoking really old pot, gratuitous Ouija board hooha, farting, axe to the back of the head, dead bodies, gratuitous death by microwave, a dead janitor, gratuitous XXX fast food franchise TV commercial, gratuitous picture of George W. Bush, gratuitous Lola Glaudini, gratuitous people listening to AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" backwards, gratuitous Etch-a-Sketch hooey, playful homophobia, haunted house ass fucking, a smashed head, side stabbing, a plastic ball room. gratuitous Morgan Spurlock, gratuitous urinating on a clown face, more axe to the head, gratuitous 1970's flashback, a dead, cut up body in a freezer, tape bondage, gratuitous dead body birthday party, a birthday candle alcohol spit fireball, and a funny ending.
Best lines: "Oh my God, like, double chili cheese," "Can I fuck your whore, wigger?," "Order up, bub!," "You want fries with that?," "Have you seen your ass?," "I don't remember inviting any Banana Republicans to my party," "Say cheese!," "No one can help you. You're my girl now. And I'm Horny!," "How many times do I have to tell you? I was chased by a seven foot Horny the Clown with a meat cleaver," "You try relaxing with Ronald McStalker on your ass," "Do you know a man named Lenny Schwartz?," "Shit, Chad! My Prada is fucking soaked!," "Fast food kills, fucker!," "Why would someone dressed as Horny the Clown want to hurt your children?," "Your balls are showing," "Hey, fuckers, lets hit the fun space!," "Fat ass, where's our food!," "Did someone say pork?," and "Relax, she's just chillin'."
Rating: 9.0/10.0
"Final Remains"
And then there's "Final Remains," also known as "Mortuary," one of the most tedious low budget slasher horror flicks made in the last decade (heck, why not just say of all time? Yeah, I think I'll say that instead). Featuring lame acting, lame direction, and one of the worst slasher killers of all time, it's a wonder that this flick ever got picked up by anyone to distribute via DVD.
The flick, written and directed by Shawn Hazelaar, is one of those movies that features a small town in the middle of nowhere (a town called Deerhaven), a string of disappearances that have the police baffled, and a crazy ass doctor (Dr. Gronig, as played by Phil Sheridan) that wants everyone to know that the disappearances are the work of a former patient of his. Yeah, it kind of sounds like "Halloween" mixed with a little spooky mystery, doesn't it? But then you're never really sure of what's going on at any time with this potential story. Is Dr. Gronig the actual former doctor of the potential killer in question, Deerhaven's mortician Henry Parks (Leon Accord)? I have no idea. I'd like to think that that's what is actually going on here, but there's a chance that I could be wrong about it. The flick also features a group of horny but boring college students that decide, for whatever reason, to go spend a night in Parks' mortuary to have sex and smoke pot and whatnot and end up paying for it. Now, they don't end up paying for it because young people that have sex in slasher movies must die but because they're just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well, I think that's what they're up to. Again, it's all kind of confusing.
There are long stretches where nothing all that interesting happens. Characters talk about stuff, they smoke pot and talk about marijuana (they drink beer, too), and when the horny college students start wandering around the mortuary they look at dead bodies because that's just so dang cool. When the killer finally shows up there's a moment where it seems like the tedium will finally end and the "good" stuff will start to happen. That moment dissipates pretty dang quick and the flick finishes itself off with some of the lamest stalk and chase slasher movie stuff I think I've ever seen.
Now, the killer is kind of interesting for a few minutes, mostly because he looks absolutely ridiculous wearing a shower cap and one of those clear opaque plastic masks (sort of like that villain in the old "Batman" TV show from the 1960's) but that shit gets old fast. He also never once appears as much of a threat, even when wielding a knife and stabbing people.
Yeah, "stabbing" people. When you make a slasher movie, some of the characters must die, otherwise you're not making much of a slasher movie. If no one dies, what's the point? People get stabbed in this movie, it looks like they're dead, but then they're not dead. Why? Damned if I know. I also don't know why the movie starts out with a whimpering fat woman being murdered (I think) in a cemetery. We then see her face on a milk carton in the next scene. It's a funny scene/sequence all by itself, but I have no idea why it's in the movie.
And what the hell is the deal with the ending? What the hell happens? Does someone get burned up in the mortuary's incinerator/cremation chamber? Am I supposed to take something away from that ending? What the hell is the deal with the room full of urns?
I think I'm thinking way too much about this movie.
So, is there anything good in here? The opening scene with the fat woman. There's some great shower nudity involving one of the college chicks. And the mortuary set is kind of spooky all by itself. It's just a shame that it wasn't used to its full potential.
"Final Remains" is a sad waste of time. If you see it on your local video store shelf get the hell away as fast as possible. You don't want to see it. It really is that goddamn bad.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous fat woman listening to religious music while traveling via car to a cemetery, bird attack, a milk carton gag, gratuitous sibling rivalry, gratuitous fake news report, gratuitous shower featuring some fine female nudity, hot tub hooey, a funeral, gratuitous 1970's flashback, gratuitous pot growing, gratuitous pot smoking, a pot test, fluffy bunny slippers, log to the head, a really lame slasher killer, neck slicing, tree branch to the balls, knife to the back, an old woman sewing, dog belly rubbing, gratuitous funeral home that has a sign outside that says "funeral home," barfing, more fine female nudity, some really bad pseudo death metal, attempted sex in a funeral home, maniacal laughing, throat slashing, a "scary" rolling chair, cat attack, fire extinguisher to the face, gunplay, and a confusing ending where someone may get burned up in an oven.
Best lines: "Don't worry, precious, Mommy's coming!," "Geeze, who pissed in your Fruit Loops?," "What an asshole!," "Did I scare you?," "I'll be seeing you, Henry," "Mummy, what's wrong with that man?," "Your Mom clips your toenails?," "You wearing girls perfume there again, boy?," "Susie won't be coming home to dinner," "Oh, zip your nut," "You do realize we're giving up free beer?," "Little pervert!," "That didn't scare me. That didn't scare me at all," "Oh my God, we are so sick!," "You guys are morbid," "When I come back I'm going to make you howl," and "Did you hear something?"
Rating: 3.0/10.0
***
Well, that last flick was unpleasant, but the first one was cool. Very, very cool. Awesome even.
And that'll be it for celebrating Halloween via this particular column, and that'll be it for this issue. B-movies rule. Always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
Ooh, and don't forget that "Live Evil" makes its Video On Demand debut on November 3rd. Check out my review of this great Tim Thomerson flick here, and please check out the movie's MySpace page, which has some cool stuff on it.
Happy Halloween everyone.
"Drive Thru"
Leighton Meester- Mackenzie Carpenter Nicholas D'Agosto- Fisher Kent Melora Hardin- Marcia Carpenter Lola Glaudini- Detective Brenda Chase Larry Joe Campbell- Detective Dwayne Crockers Van De La Plante- Horny the Clown John Gilbert- John Benjamin Morgan Spurlock- Robbie the Hella-Burger manager
Directed by Brendan Crowles and Shane Kuhn Screenplay by Brendan Crowles and Shane Kuhn
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated R for strong horror violence and gore, drug use, language and some sexual content Runtime- 83 minutes
Leon Acord- Henry Parks Phil Sheridan- Dr. Gronig Michelle Bellaver- College girl Mike Holley- College guy Canon Wing- College girl Dan Lawson- Drop out Bob Brindley- Kyle Dutton heather Hartmann- Tina Page Jackson- County Sheriff
Directed by Shawn Hazelaar Screenplay by Shawn Hazelaar
Distributed by Cine Excel Entertainment, Cut Entertainment Group, and ITN Distribution
