Misunderstood Masterpieces 10.27.09: Vampire in Brooklyn
Posted by Will Helm on 10.27.2009
...or, Coming to America . . . for BLOOD!
If I really wanted to provide something truly scary for this edition of Horror-Movie Mania, I could simply read off Eddie Murphy's filmography after Coming to America, one of the funniest comedies of the '80s and beyond. I know I've mentioned this in many previous columns featuring Eddie Murphy, but it remains to be said: other than the Shrek series and all the films related to The Nutty Professor, Eddie Murphy has had some terrifyingly bad movies throughout the years. In fact, just in these pages, he's been featured in such classics as Beverly Hills Cop III, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, and Meet Dave. The most frightening element about these three films is that they merely scratch the surface of Eddie Murphy's reign of error after Coming to America.
Then again, as horrific as these movies may be, only one of Eddie Murphy's films – OK, not counting Haunted Mansion – can legitimately be included among those of Horror-Movie Mania 2009: Vampire in Brooklyn. Developed partly by Murphy and his brother Charlie, Vampire in Brooklyn sought to inject a little soul into the vampire genre, at least for the first time since Blacula and its sequels. To do just that, Murphy enlisted the aid of a proven horror legend to helm the film: Wes Craven. Though the combination of a proven box-office commodity like Murphy and the man who created A Nightmare on Elm Street should equal success, Vampire in Brooklyn flopped with critics and barely earned back its budget, grossing just under $20 million in the Halloween season of 1995. Though Eddie Murphy's legacy was not yet what it is now and Wes Craven was in a dry spell, was this kind of box-office failure deserved, or is Vampire in Brooklyn a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
Soon, Eddie Murphy will make a movie set in Staten Island.
First, a warning: this movie is rated "R," due to "Strong Language" and . . . "Vampire Violence." I didn't know there was a specific designation for that. And I have to wonder if that's better or worse than average, run-of-the-mill violence. Oddly enough, the MPAA doesn't answer my phone calls. Then again, I haven't called them, so they can't rightly answer phone calls that aren't made. How metaphysical!
At the start of the film proper, Eddie Murphy, presumably in the guise of Maximillian, his character for the film, provides an expository monologue about Egyptian vampires who moved to the Caribbean. Alas, the vampires were later driven from the Tropics and, as such, Maximillian is the last "living" member of their kind, or at least as much as a vampire can be living. Of course, this means that Maximillian has to find a proper mate to keep his kind going, so he does what any sane individual would and heads off to Brooklyn. Well, at least he didn't go to Queens, or I'd call "foul."
While two goofy dock workers, "Pops" (John Witherspoon, who probably appears because it's an "urban" movie law) and Julius (Kadeem "Dwayne Wayne" Hardison), watch Family Feud, totally ignoring the fact that there's a mysterious rusting ship heading straight toward them. While the dock workers are too caught up in the game show, the ship crashes into the dock and nearly kills them, but they recover enough to investigate the scene. After a few moments of getting their bearings, the dock workers discover that the ship is somehow deserted and, upon learning that, Julius bugs out, leaving "Pops" to handle things on his own. "Pops," to his credit never one to shy away from danger, searches the ship and discovers it to be full of mauled corpses . . . and a crazy wolf! Dum-dum-DUM! Luckily for "Pops," the wolf decides to ignore him – as I guess it's eaten enough – as it instead jumps off the ship and transforms into a fully clothed guy. How does that always happen? Do the clothes transform too?
Eddie Murphy tries, in vain, to hypnotize critics into liking this movie.
Deep in the wilds of Brooklyn, Julius gets thrown out of his apartment for snoring and then some local gangsters chase him for no apparent reason other than they're probably not fans of A Different World. After the gangsters catch up to Julius, they corner him because he owes them some money and the chief from The X-Files (Mitch Pileggi) threatens him. Before the chief can make good on his threats, Maximillian shows up and the chief shoots him, not knowing that Maximillian is actually a vampire and that doesn't work. Maybe he should have had a chat with Richard Benjamin beforehand. Maximillian confesses that getting shot is kind of fun and then he tears out the chief's heart; alas, the Masked Magician wasn't there to save him. Then, much to Julius' horror, Maximillian kills another gangster, just for fun. Julius tries to flee the scene, but Maximillian catches up with him and, in the process, makes Julius his zombie slave!
Elsewhere in Brooklyn, two cops, HOT CHICK Rita (Angela Bassett) and the aptly named Justice (Allen Payne) drive around looking for something to do. Luckily for them, a cure to their boredom is discovered: the mysterious rusty ship. Called in to investigate the matter, the two cops meet up with their chief (Joanna Cassidy), who helpfully provides exposition and reveals that Rita has issues, which explains why she's mystified by the rusty ship. Justice, meanwhile, is protective of Rita and doesn't think her issues are that big a deal.
While the police search the ship, Maximillian and Julius show up to see what's going on and Maximillian makes a police dog explode, just because he can. Meanwhile, on the ship, Rita looks for clues but finds more than she bargained for as she falls through the deck and discovers a coffin with her inside and she attacks herself! Ooh . . . I bet that's supposed to be symbolic of something. Just what, I have no clue, but I give the film credit for trying. After Rita fights herself off – which sounds kind of dirty, Maximillian shows up for a second and Rita chases him. However, instead of an ancient Egyptian vampire, Rita finds Justice and, perhaps as compensation for her troubles, another clue: a severed ear! So it was Mr. Blonde all along!
Outside, Julius complains about his ear falling off but Maximillian tells him to shut up about it, probably because Maximillian still has two ears with which to listen to this drivel. "Pops" then interrupts the argument, so Julius takes Maximillian up to his apparently other apartment to hang out and have a little privacy. Once inside, Julius starts complaining again, so Maximillian flips out and abuses him, because that is the fate of all henchmen.
This isn't a good style for a vampire; it gives long pointy things easy access.
Later that evening, Rita walks the streets, even though she isn't on the vice squad. She then goes up to her apartment, which attacks her for no particular reason, but it all turns out to be a bad dream. The next day, at the police station, the chief provides some more exposition – because that's all she's apparently good for – while Julius sneaks around in the background and eats a cockroach. That night, back in the 'hood, Julius shines up a stolen limousine and loses his hand in the process, much to Pops' amusement. Before Julius can lose any more body parts, Maximillian shows up and gets in the limo and Julius follows to the driver's seat. It seems that Maximillian wants to find Rita, but first he breaks Julius' stereo and scolds Julius for not shutting up. I assume this is supposed to be funny, but it's just not; sorry, movie!
Somewhere else in Brooklyn, Rita and Justice chat about something or other and she confesses that she's got a messed up family history and it's all very hazy and enigmatic. Something tells me this is an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT! Before more exposition can break out, Rita and Justice head over to a reggae club to meet with a doctor (Zakes Mokae) who tells them that the ship is from somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle which means that there must have been a vampire on the ship. Because that's the first thing I'd think. Justice, to his credit, is skeptical of the doctor's assertion, but Rita wants to know more about the doctor's statement, but instead he gives her some advice: don't lose your faith. Dum-dum-DUM!
While Justice hangs out and the doctor gives Rita pearls of wisdom, Maximillian shows up to stare at Rita at the bar. Though she sasses at him, Maximillian then rescues Rita from the clutches of a cobra that "just happens" to escape from its cage, even though through most of the scene it appears as if there's a plate of glass between the camera and the snake. Something tells me someone on the special effects staff screwed up a little there. Rita is grateful for Maximillian's intervention, so he believes this to be the perfect time to romance her; to that end, he asks her to dance, and she nearly accepts before Justice interrupts. As Justice tries to get Rita to leave, Julius ambles over to freak her out, so Maximillian tries to pull Julius' tongue out as punishment. Ah, henchman abuse: it never gets old. Or litigated.
Outside the club, Rita and Justice argue before heading over to her apartment, where the argument continues until Rita's slutty roommate (Simbi Khali) shows up to flirt with Justice. Justice, who obviously doesn't want to hurt Rita's feelings because he's totally into her, ignores the roommate's advances and leaves; unfortunately for Justice, the slutty roommate follows and presses the issue further. Thankfully, the movie doesn't elaborate on whether or not she's pressing on anything else as well. Justice, who's a stand up guy – perhaps in more ways than one at the moment, leaves the slutty roommate in the street and heads home, probably to get a cold shower or some Internet porn. Although, if this is 1995, Internet porn must have been REALLY rudimentary, but probably, at least, not ASCII.
Hey, isn't that Urkel's dad?
As Justice drives off, Maximillian appears out of nowhere to flirt with the slutty roommate and, since vampires and slutty girls have gone together like peanut butter and chocolate since Dracula and Lucy Westenra, they get it on later. While the slutty roommate enjoys some undead lovin', Rita is mortified because she thinks its Justice, as she went to bed before he left. This makes her all ticked off, so she grabs a canvas and paints angrily on the balcony while Maximillian vamps out on the slutty roommate, so much so, in fact, that it makes blood come out of the lock on the bedroom door. How that's even possible is beyond me, but I guess the effects crew thought it was cool . . . probably to make up for the snake behind glass earlier in the film.
The next morning, Rita wakes up and she finds that her roommate is gone, leaving only a letter in her place . . . and no rent money. Rita, upset by this turn of events, heads to church, much to Maximillian's chagrin as he stalks her with Julius in tow. While Rita tries to find religion, Maximillian finds some of his own by eating a drunken preacher (Murphy, because this movie wouldn't be complete without him playing multiple roles) and transforming into him. Conveniently, this drunken preacher also happens to be Rita's go-to man of the cloth, so she, appropriately, goes to him for a little counseling. She thinks she's going crazy, but the drunken preacher calms her nerves.
Unfortunately for Maximillian, he's the one in need of calming as one of the congregation tries to pull him into the church for a sermon, but, once there, he nearly bursts into flames. Maximillian, proving himself to know a thing or two about how to be cagey, makes his weakness into a strength by telling the congregation that he'll preach outside if they're willing to listen. Remarkably, even though he's a goofy drunken preacher, the worshipers oblige his request. Once outside, Maximillian begins a speech on the duality of good and evil and then he starts exposing the sins of the church-goers, one by one. Then, just in time, Justice shows up to pick up Rita, who's not particularly happy with him because she thinks he did her slutty roommate. Maximillian, still in disguise, eggs on Rita, who implicitly reveals that she's jealous of Justice's apparent indiscretion because she so totally wants him too.
I'm kind of glad I don't know what's going on farther down.
While Maximillian leads the faithful in a chant of "Evil is good," some mobsters throw another annoying Eddie Murphy character out of an Italian restaurant elsewhere in Brooklyn. While Italian Eddie Murphy scurries away with his tail between his legs, Rita and Justice show up at the restaurant for a little sit-down with the mobsters therein. Of course, since it's apparently a running theme of the movie at this point, Maximillian – who ended his preaching gig when it started to rain on his sermon – and Julius follow along, just so that Italian Eddie Murphy can get eaten by Maximillian, giving him a new disguise.
Inside the restaurant, Rita and Justice have a chat with the local mob boss, who provides some helpful exposition about Julius, a former employee of his. Before the cops can extract any more information, Italian Eddie Murphy busts in and holds up the place, taking Rita hostage in the process. With Rita by his side, Italian Eddie Murphy orders dinner and drinks for them and then he shoots a cat, giving Rita the opportunity to beat up Italian Eddie Murphy, after which she and Justice arrest him while the mobsters freak out.
Back at the police station, Rita and Justice argue more while a crazy evangelist is brought into the booking room for no apparent reason. In the course of their bickering, Justice confesses that he's got a thing for Rita; Italian Eddie Murphy – who is still, of course, Maximillian in disguise – interjects and says that Justice did, in fact, bone Rita's slutty roommate. Upon hearing this, Rita slaps Justice and gets herself suspended from the force in the process. Justice, meanwhile, nearly punches Italian Eddie Murphy, but has him sent to lock up. Maximillian, not content to spend the night in jail, possesses the crazy evangelist and, using her as a distraction, transforms into his common form, hastening his escape.
Out on the street, Maximillian, who has now spent at least 25% of the film following Rita while she does things, rescues her from a conveniently runaway cab. After Rita regains her wits, Maximillian introduces himself properly and then offers her some fusilli and a way of getting back at Justice for his apparent infidelity . . . even though they're not committed or even dating. Rita, fueled by righteous indignation, takes Maximillian's bait and they make a date for later in the evening. Beforehand, however, Justice drives over to Rita's place intent on apologizing for something he didn't do – now he knows how the A-Team feels, I suppose – but, instead, he catches Rita all dressed up for her hot date. Before he can convince her not to go, she gets into Julius' limo and Julius mocks Justice as he drives away, just because he can.
A vampire's second love after blood: slutty best friends.
Julius eventually drops Rita off at his apartment, which Maximillian has made magically ostentatious; meanwhile, Justice goes to see Julius' ex-girlfriend (Messiri Freeman) for some exposition, because this movie is just lacking in that. Back at Julius' apartment, Maximillian asks Rita to dance and she accepts his offer, which is guess is a friendly way of saying "it's OK if you vamp out on me," because that's just what he does.
The next morning, Justice goes to Julius' apartment in search of Julius or Rita, but, instead, he finds Pops, who describes Maximillian and Rita getting it on the night before as per his particular idiom. Justice, perhaps sickened by Rita's grotesque sexuality – which is all his fault, even though it shouldn't be, drives off to a crime scene, where he finds Rita's slutty roommate crucified on a building, in much the same way as Rita painted some time earlier. Dum-dum-DUM! So, is she psychic or did Maximillian just see the painting and decide "hey, that looks pretty cool"?
Justice, shocked by this unexpected turn of events – and I can't say I blame him, because I didn't expect the slutty roommate to turn up again, drives off to Rita's place, where he wakes her up and then tells her that her slutty roommate is dead and, hence, didn't sleep with him after all . . . even though he could have done it and is using Maximillian as a patsy which would be a thoroughly stupid plot twist, though, at this point, it wouldn't surprise me. Luckily for Justice, Rita freaks out because she dreamed the murder and, as I said before, painted it; somehow, this leads to Justice and Rita making out, during which she gets REALLY aggressive and nearly vamps out on him. Poor Justice; now that he's getting what he wants, he might not want it anymore.
Rita's unabashed passion must shock her staid personality as she freaks out while getting freaky, runs from the room, and tracks down Maximillian for a little chat. Once in his company, Rita yells at him and then runs up to the roof, because EVERYONE HAS TO RUN TO THE ROOF WHERE THERE IS ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NO POSSIBILITY OF ESCAPE. Ahem. Maximillian, of course, follows her and tells her that he's committed to her, and not just in the "you're my vampire slave now" way. In fact, it's actually because he doesn't want to be alone anymore and he tries to guilt trip her into staying with him because she's reluctant but easily abused. When Rita argues against this turn of events, Maximillian pulls a trump card on her: her father sent him there from the Caribbean because she's actually ½ vampire! Unneeded plot twist, hooray! While Rita digests this new and shocking information, Maximillian flies over to the roof of an adjacent building, just to show off.
Is this the face of a man who can direct wacky comedies?
Somewhere, the doctor from way earlier in the film prays and then Justice stops by for a visit because he needs help killing a certain ancient Egyptian vampire. Meanwhile, in a park, Maximillian and Rita stalk Jerry Hall from the shadows as she walks her dog. Simultaneously, Justice learns from the doctor that Rita isn't quite a vampire yet, at least not until she feeds of her own free will. It's nice to see that vampirism is voluntary like that. Back in the park, Maximillian vamps out on Jerry Hall, but, before she can sink her teeth into Mick Jagger's sloppy seconds, Rita rebels and runs off to church, where it seems that there are spotlights and a wind machine worshiping inside.
While Rita fights the gale-force winds emanating from her church, Maximillian catches up with her and kidnaps her because he's planning on leaving Brooklyn with her whether she likes it or not. To that end, Maximillian brings Rita to Julius' apartment, where he tries to get Rita to eat Pops in a vain attempt to convert her to vampirism. Yet again, it doesn't work, especially as the doctor and Justice pick that moment to bust into the room and, in the chaos, the doctor stakes Maximillian . . . in the stomach, much to Maximillian's chagrin. After a brief anatomy lesson, Maximillian and Rita slip away, but the doctor gives Justice a stake before he gives chase. Eventually, Maximillian and Rita corner Justice and then Justice and Maximillian argue and fight, because this movie was sorely lacking in arguments. With Maximillian gaining the upper hand, Rita steps in and, in a shocking swerve, stakes Maximillian, causing bad special effects to break out throughout Julius' apartment. In the aftermath, Rita goes back to normal – even though I would've thought she'd be the new head vampire; I really don't know how vampire hierarchy works – while Pops and zombie Julius goof off in the limo until Julius finds Maximillian's ring, puts it on, and transforms into a vampire! Oh, please don't tell me there was supposed to be a sequel. Please.
Even though, at times, watching Vampire in Brooklyn is akin to pulling teeth, the saddest part of this experience is that it is very nearly a decent vampire movie, either as a modern remake of Blacula or an "urban" retelling of Dracula. The atmosphere of a horror movie is there and, perhaps surprisingly, Murphy plays the role of Maximillian well, giving the character an appropriate aura of danger and foreboding, with a touch of the requisite "urban" hipness for this setting. Alas, the film breaks down whenever the "funny" parts come into play, embodied in Julius, Pops, and either of Eddie Murphy's other, grossly broad characters (the preacher and the mobster). These goofy asides ruin the ambiance of what is actually the makings of a decent vampire flick; not perfect, to be honest, but decent nonetheless. The interesting thing about this is just who is to blame for these flaws as, from IMDB.com: "Wes Craven has stated that he doesn't care for this film, particularly because he felt he an Eddie Murphy wanted to make different films. Both were very excited to work together, with just one problem: Comedic actor Murphy wanted to make a horror film and horror director Craven wanted to direct a comedy." It's hard to believe that, in this case, Murphy was probably right, but I wouldn't worry too much about Wes Craven's desire to make a comedy: he followed up this film with Scream. At least he found a way to recover from Vampire in Brooklyn, as it certainly is a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week when I tick off plenty of emo and Goth tweens with my take on Twilight. See you then!
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