The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 11.02.09: Issue #79 - Retrograde

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 11.02.2009

We take a look at the Dolph Lundgren flick "Retrograde" (2004), and some other B-movie related stuff

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #79: "Retrograde" (2004)


Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never tried to establish a base camp, a command center, or a headquarters anywhere, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number seventy-nine, I take a look at the mega low budget sci-fi action flick that was made in 2004 but wasn't released on DVD until 2009 (once you watch it you kind of know why it was delayed), "Retrograde," starring The Gratuitous B-Movie Column favorite Dolph Lundgren.

Retrograde



"Retrograde," directed by Christopher Kulikowski, stars Dolph Lundgren as John Foster, a time traveler from the future (Los Angeles 2204 to be exact) sent to the past to stop a space virus from being discovered and eventually killing most of Earth's inhabitants in the future. See, a planet or something exploded in the past and sent a bunch of debris hurtling into space. Some of that debris contained a killer bacteria that, if fiddled with, could mutate into something quite deadly. So a chunk of some of that debris crashed into Earth, and is eventually discovered during an expedition to Antarctica. That's what Lundgren's Foster knows and has to try to prevent from happening. Sounds pretty simple, right? If only. Foster is pursued into the past by Dalton (Joe Montana. No, not that Joe Montana), a soldier/mercenary with a different agenda. Dalton doesn't want Foster to succeed. Dalton wants to live in the past, or prevent the future from being prevented, or just make some money off of this trip in an unseemly way. I'm not really sure what Dalton's specific motivation is, I just know he's the bad guy.

So Foster and Dalton, after engaging in some seriously low budget gun battles and kung fu bits, eventually arrive in the past and start interacting with the people involved in the Antarctic expedition. There's the researcher Renee Diaz (Silvia De Santis), Markus (Gary Daniels), Schrader (Joe Sagal), and the ship's captain, Captain Robert Davis (Ken Samuels). There's also a guy named Mackenzie (Jamie Treacher), a guy named Bruce (Marco Lorenzini), and a few others that I can't remember. So some stuff happens, the crew freaks out about Foster and Dalton, and then they try to figure out what to do after that. Do they believe what Foster is telling them? Can they stop this Dalton guy? Will anyone survive this expedition?

I wish I had a better grasp on this flick's story but I just don't. The movie is just too convoluted for its own good. The space stuff and the time travel stuff makes absolutely no sense, and when the movie shifts its focus to the Antarctic expedition and the crew of that expedition the movie just slows down to a crawl. I don't think I've ever seen a more boring group of people on a boat in a movie in my life. No one seems to be all that passionate about finding the meteor with the space bacteria on it and that includes the expedition's money man Schrader. And why doesn't anyone question the sudden appearance/presence of Foster more forcefully? Why is everyone so dang accepting of this guy?

The movie's story never really sorts itself out. It just sort of sits there, existing, and not doing much else. I want to say that Lundgren's Foster changes the future and the present for the better, but I'm not all that sure about that. I'm also still not all that sure on what Dalton the bad guy's motivation is in this whole thing. What exactly does he gain by preventing Foster from completing his mission?

Now, the flick does have an interesting, super cheesy charm at the beginning. The futuristic sets in "Los Angeles 2204" don't make the future look or feel all that special (even in a post apocalyptic sense. Yes, there's a sense of destruction and despair there in the future, but it looks and feels like mega cheap destruction and despair). And the spaceship stuff makes the spaceship stuff in the 1988 Reb Brown classic "Space Mutiny" look like "Star Wars". But it's all still kind of fun. Lundgren is clearly game for all of this nonsense, putting incredible effort into trying to make the movie work. You appreciate his effort and, to a lesser extent, the effort of Joe Montana as Dalton, but in the end you're just not impressed by any of it. It's all so muddled and confusing and ridiculous. Just how the heck did Lundgren get conned into doing this movie?

And who came up with the idea of the characters from the future wearing leather motorcycle outfits? Does anyone really think that people from the future would wear them?

Once the movie enters the "present" it loses its charm and the movie becomes a real chore to watch and sit through. Again, the story is just so dang confusing it's hard to tell what's going on. I can't figure out what happens at the end, either. If you've seen this movie and actually understand the ending, please chime in and explain it to me. I really want to know what the heck happened.

If you're a big fan of Lundgren and you just have to see everything he does then you need to see "Retrograde." I wouldn't recommend anyone else seeing it, though. All in all, it's just a terrible movie.

Avoid it if you can.

So what do we have here? Some pretty okay cheesy opening titles music, exploding planet (I think), exploding snow, gratuitous "future" Los Angeles, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren wearing a trench coat, gratuitous lame voice over about the history of the world or something, gratuitous cheesy computer generated space ships, future smoking, gratuitous people in the future wearing leather motorcycle suits, ice cutting, some very bad acting, gratuitous cheesy futuristic shoot out that involves people hiding behind cardboard sets, neck snapping, low budget kung fu, gratuitous talk about life in space, gratuitous mysterious cylinder, a magnetized compass, an old gun, gratuitous Dolph Lundgren running in the snow, gratuitous low budget kung fu fight in the snow, a snow hat that looks like orange dreadlocks, gratuitous space bacteria attack, pinball machines, glass breaking, room destruction, knife to the throat, gas can hooey, exploding explosives, gratuitous suicide, a special backpack, throat chopping, a vaccine injector that looks like a hot glue gun, a boiler room shootout, exploding helicopter, a reverse neck breaker, gut stabbing, a final fight, exploding boat, gratuitous stock footage of a nuclear explosion, and a bizarre ending that makes no sense.

Best lines: "Why isn't someone out there working on the fuel?," "That man needs to get laid," "He who controls the past controls the future," "You don't have a future, Dalton," "A little self restraint would be advisable, Mackenzie," "Well, one thing's for sure. It's heaven sent," "There are no polar bears in the Antarctic," "You are my problem," "Don't bother, this whole area is magnetized," "Hey! I'm trying to work here!," "I really don't think you should be moving around," "What do you mean his skin's changed?," "Captain! It's Mackenzie! He's tearing up the rec room," "We don't have an unlimited supply of explosives," "Those meteor specimens. Can I see them?," "You're going to send us to the bottom!," "Like I said, Dalton, you don't have a future," and "You're welcome, Renee."

Rating: 3.0/10.0

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Don't forget that "Live Evil," the great Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by the great Ken Foree) hits Video on Demand this Tuesday, November 3rd, Election Day (that's tomorrow. Holy hooey!). Check out my review for the flick here, and then on Tuesday order it. It's a great flick, and you will not be disappointed.

The flick now also has a firm DVD release date. According to its MySpace page, "Live Evil" will hit DVD February 23rd, 2010. That's only a four short months away, so remember that date, and be sure to keep an eye on the MySpace page and the flick's new Facebook page for further updates/developments.



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And speaking of movies out on DVD, am I the only one out there having trouble finding "Night of the Creeps" in stores? Wal-Mart, Best Buy, you name it, it's not there. In fact, the people working in the stores have no idea it's even out. Just what the heck is going on here?





And where the heck is "Hardware"? I've seen the Blu Ray version of the disc, but I'm talking about the regular old 2 disc DVD. According to amazon.com it's out. Yeah, we could all get it off of amazon.com. but where's the fun in doing that?

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The fine folks at After Dark Films are once again going to have their Horrorfest next year, in January (January 29th, 2010 to be exact). If you go on over to http://www.horrorfestonline.com/ you can check out news and announcements concerning the horror flicks they plan on running during the week long festival. Hopefully, the Horrorfest has a wider release in 2010. I saw two flicks from the Horrorfest in 2007 (check out my reviews of those flicks here. It was easily the most fun I had at the movies that year.