Misunderstood Masterpieces 11.03.09: Twilight
Posted by Will Helm on 11.03.2009
...or, Teenage Vampire Love Sure Is Awkward
OK, I know it's past Halloween, but if the World Series can stretch into November, so can Horror-Movie Mania 2009. And, anyway, today's movie is far too important not to extend the torture into another month.
In any Hot Topic or bookstore in America and beyond, the chances are good that there will be, as of this moment, an abundance of floor space devoted to the impending film The Twilight Saga: New Moon. As the second film of the titular "Twilight Saga," New Moon represents the latest installment of a phenomenon that is hard to believe and, for some, even harder to tolerate. Stemming from a book series initially debuting in 2005 and penned by author Stephenie Meyer, the "Twilight Saga" captivated teenaged girls and perhaps more significantly their moms, rocketing the novels to repeated stops at the top of the New York Times Bestsellers list.
Even the poster is awkward.
Of course, as inferred in the preceding paragraph, New Moon isn't the first entry in this series; that luxury would go to the smash hit novel of 2005 and its 2008 film adaptation: Twilight. As the novel was a number one bestseller in its time, there were high hopes for the adaptation to follow in its predecessor's footsteps. In actuality, however, "follow" would be an understatement, as Twilight, made on a measly $35 million budget, grossed about a zillion dollars at the box office technically $383.5 million worldwide making it one of the most profitable films of 2008 and beyond. Of course, such great fiscal success does not come without detractors, as the film rates at 49% Rotten on RottenTomatoes.com and a 6.0 out of 10 on IMDB.com, pretty much the critical equivalent of "meh." Even 411Mania.com's own Jeremy Thomas gave the film a 7.0 while Chad Webb scored the film at 6.5. Though the reviews are slightly north of mediocre, that doesn't account for the box-office receipts; is Twilight really worthy of its middling ratings, or are the film goers right . . . is it a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
In a monologue, some monotonous chick rambles about dying. Well, now I know why this film is so popular with the Hot Topic crowd. While the chick prattles on about her maudlin dreams, a deer drinks water in a forest. So, when is Enya going to start playing in the background? Before the haunting strains of any number of tribal musicians can break out, the cameraman chases the deer through the forest mean cameraman! but, before the cameraman can have some very fresh venison, he's teleported to Arizona, where the monologist, young Isabella "Bella" Swan (Kristen Stewart, last seen in these pages in Catch That Kid) mopes while her mom dumps her because she found a hot new man who's totally not into having kids especially monotonous, gloomy teenaged ones.
To that end, Bella's mom pawns her off on her father (Billy Burke), who lives up in Washington and works as a local police chief, probably mediating logging squabbles and arguments over salmon. While in the car with her father, Bella unsurprisingly mopes which must be like her default emotional setting and they make small talk about her hair. The awkwardness finally ends for now when Bella gets home and, while she clutches a cactus, her father brags about a bedspread he bought for her, even though he's not sure if she likes purple. Evidently, Bella and her father didn't have one phone conversation between when her parents broke up and this point; either that, or perhaps he thinks the question "so, do you like purple?" might seem weird.
After Bella probably mopes about her purple bedspread, she and her father meet up with some local Native Americans, and one of them dorky, shy Jacob (Taylor Lautner) introduces himself to Bella. After the clumsy introduction, Jacob's mysteriously wheelchair-bound father (Gil Birmingham) gives Bella's father a pickup truck, which he then gives to Bella, because when I think "mopey teenager," I think "pickup truck." Yet again proving that Bella and her father have a serious and almost preposterous communication gap, Jacob has to teach Bella how to drive the truck, as it has a manual transmission. Somehow, this leads Bella to think that Jacob is her only friend in the entire world, so she's kind of upset when she finds out that Jacob isn't going to school with her, as he's educated on his reservation, probably to hate Andrew Jackson and the Department of the Interior.
Don't be fooled by her wholesomeness. She is a dangerous writer.
Either the next morning or later that day, Bella drives to school, where she mopes some more I'm sensing a theme . . . and a desperate need for a synonym for "mope" until a hyped-up Asian kid (Justin Chon) accosts Bella because he wants to write a newspaper article about her. Later, Bella plays volleyball in gym class and brains a bystander with a ball; he's cool with it, though, because he like everyone in the school knows who she is for reasons utterly and totally unexplained. Unless they all know her as "Bella Swan, that chick who got dumped by her own mom."
During lunch, in the cafeteria, shenanigans go on and then Bella and some chicks joke about giant genitalia until the mysterious Cullen kids show up. While Bella is curious about their appearance and predilection for wearing white, the other chicks provide exposition and explain that they're all weird foster children, even though Bella is kind of infatuated with the least weird looking "brother," Edward (the impossibly coiffed Robert Pattinson) because he's just so hunky . . . at least to mopey teens who just moved to Washington from Arizona and have raging hormones beneath their disaffected exterior. Later in the day, Bella walks into biology class and joins Edward at his table; as soon as Bella sits down, and much to her chagrin, Edward runs off to puke. She probably stinks of patchouli; she seems like that kind of chick.
That evening, at a local diner, Bella has an uncomfortable dinner with her father until a creepy molester-ish guy (Ned Bellamy) interrupts because he used to play Santa back when Bella was a kid. Is it just me, or is that really a suspect plot point? The waitress, perhaps sensing the tension in the air, shoos Molester Santa away. That night, Bella chats with her hippy-dippy mom, who's only interested in Bella hooking up now that she's in school again. Well, she's got the familial background to be really easy, so that's not going to be hard for her to do psychologically.
Back at school, Bella wants to interrogate Edward about his impromptu exit the day before, but, much to her dismay, he skips out . . . for a few days. Meanwhile in a factory from an entirely different movie, a guy runs around in terror until some ruffians beat him up. One morning, at home, Bella falls on her butt in the rain and then her father drives off to investigate the murder from the other movie. At school, the Asian kid pesters Bella about something really unimportant so unimportant that I didn't even see fit to write it down and then some other guy hassles her, but that's all of little consequence when Edward returns to school. Once again in biology class, Edward finally introduces himself with a squeaky "hello" that sounds almost like Taxi's Latka Gravas and Bella gets all googly and shoots eggs under the table while Edward totally stares at her. OMG~! Edward just want to share his microscope with Bella, but she'd rather interrogate him. Rather than answer Bella's questions, Edward changes the subject to the weather, but Bella doesn't like things that are cold and wet. I'm sure that's supposed to be some kind of foreshadowing, but it's more laughable than anything else.
I bet he can't wait until he doesn't have to have this stupid hairstyle anymore.
Edward, to his credit, shakes off this odd reply and then asks Bella about her family, probably to turn the tables on her rudeness; just to prove my point, Edward makes sure to talk in a patronizing, monosyllabic monotone, just to make sure Bella can understand what he's saying. Then, just to amp up his disdain for Bella's fawning, Edward runs off to puke again; she really should stop wearing that patchouli. Later in the day, in the parking lot, Edward stares at Bella from across the lot until a van goes crazy and nearly kills Bella, but Edward zips in and punches the van away with his apparent superpowers. In the aftermath, Bella and Edward share an awkward moment until Edward wanders off.
That evening, Bella's dad visits her in the hospital and threatens the kid who was driving the van, even though Bella's alright, according to pale-faced Dr. Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli), who looks as though he was playing around in his mommy's powder. Hmm . . . I wonder if he's related to Edward and his clan? Bella assumes this to be true, as she brags about Edward rescuing her to the doctor, whether he knows Edward or not. Luckily, he does, so it's all good. Then again, it's not so good for Edward, as he's outside the room getting scolded by his bitchy sister Rosalie (Nikki Reed) who thinks he should have let Bella die because she's mopey trouble. Bella, who wanders around in a concussive haze, interrupts the dressing down and questions Edward about his apparent super-speed; rather than explain that he's actually imbued with the Speed Force, he just makes Bella think she's dumb, which probably isn't that hard.
That night, Bella reclines in her bed and imagines that Edward is staring at her from the corner of the room, which most people would think is creepy but she thinks is so totally romantic. Bella then has flashbacks to her accident earlier in the day until some douchey guy asks her to the prom; Bella blows him off because she's obsessed with Edward and believes that he should be her date, whether he wants that or not. To that end, Bella tells the douchey guy that she's going somewhere that weekend and won't be around, even though she'll just be busy stalking Edward.
Later, the biology class as that seems to be the only class that school has other than the one gym class a year that occurred earlier in the film goes on a field trip to a greenhouse, where Bella pesters Edward until he gives her a snide answer to her questioning and infers that she get lost. I do have to say that Edward's passive-aggressiveness isn't proving very effective; he must think that as well, as he starts yelling at Bella until some random chick interrupts. Bella, who's as stubborn as she is obsessed and mopey, doesn't take Edward's hint, so they continue their argument outside. Later, she'll probably just write in her diary that they just had their first "lover's tiff" and then draw little hearts around it.
At home, Bella's dad, for absolutely no reason, hints that her mom hates her. The next day, in the cafeteria, the kids mumble and invite Bella surfing; then, Edward rescues an apple from a freefall and gives it to Bella, perhaps because he's actually the Devil. Or some sort of shoddy religious symbolism like that. Anyway, after kindly giving the apple to Bella, Edward tells her that they shouldn't hang out, which shows that Bella doesn't have a monopoly on mixed messages. Bella, perhaps believing that Edward is just as messed up as she is, tries to psychoanalyze him . . . and she invites him to the beach as well, which doesn't connect at all. Edward, probably to keep his sexy paleness, refuses Bella's offer.
Evidently this movie has a nasty case of bed-head.
Down at the beach, the kids go surfing while one of their number whines about some guy not asking her to the prom. Well, maybe if you didn't whine so much, he'd be a little more receptive. Bella, proving herself a hypocrite, tells the girl to grow a set and ask the guy out instead; then, she wanders off to pine longingly for Edward. Or not, as Jacob and his buddies drop by just to reveal that they know about the Cullens, so Bella asks Jacob about them. Jacob, for no reason other than to set up the next movie, tells Bella that his tribe is "supposedly" descended from wolves. Meanwhile, the Cullens, who have been in Washington for centuries, are the long-time rivals of Jacob's tribe due to some sort of misunderstanding among their respective ancestors or something like that.
Somewhere, Molester Santa drinks on his little dinghy and then he's attacked by a trio of super-powered, evil Abercrombie and Fitch models. Elsewhere, Bella googles a bookstore in search of more information about what Jacob was talking about earlier. The next day, it's one of those rare sunny days in Washington and Bella learns, much to her horror, that the Cullens aren't in school because their father takes them out to go hiking or something like that. They probably also play pranks on the Native Americans, just to keep the old rivalry going, for old time's sake.
Later in the day, Bella and some girls from her class go prom-dress shopping and then Bella ditches her friends and wanders off to a bookstore to buy a book based on everything Jacob told her earlier. Who knew his little bit of exposition came with a bibliography? After leaving the bookstore, a horde of hoodlums accost Bella and threaten violence probably of the sexual kind until Edward swoops in with his super-Volvo to rescue Bella and nearly run down the hoodlums. While Edward drives away like a maniac, he ironically lectures Bella about being safe. He then drops Bella off with her friends, but she blows them off just so that she can have dinner with Edward . . . and interrogate him again. Edward, at wit's end, finally breaks down and confesses that he can read minds and he's also really, really protective of Bella for no reason whatsoever, which makes him mope because he's also obsessed with her. So they're stalking each other? That's romance . . . in a very disturbing way, which explains why Bella's cool with it.
On the way home, Bella rides with Edward and, through a slight touch of his hand, she finds out that he's really cold. Maybe the driver's side heater doesn't work right in his Volvo, Bella. Before she gets home, Bella spies a commotion at the police station and Carlisle is there as well! He reveals that Molester Santa is dead, so Bella goes outside to comfort her father because he absolutely loved Molester Santa. Maybe he was the first guy Bella's dad ever arrested or something like that. After Bella leaves her father's side, she goes outside to see the coroner loading Molester Santa into their van and, somehow, this causes Bella to have a totally illogical epiphany: Edward is a VAMPIRE! Dum-dum-DUM! And here I just would've thought he was consumptive or anemic . . . and really, really emo. To support her theory, Bella rushes home somehow, since I think Edward left and googles all the information she needs about vampires around the world, but not rural Washington, though.
Wait a second . . . isn't that Mike Dexter? What happened?
At school the next day, fueled by her preposterous theory, Bella is indignant and stares down Edward . . . and then she walks off into the woods. Huh? Edward, perhaps as bewildered as I am, follows, and, once they're safely alone, Bella starts recounting her evidence. Edward, who's quite aware of where Bella's going with this diatribe, forces her to say "vampire" in a scene that should probably be climactic if it weren't so clumsy, but Bella digs Edward's passive-aggressiveness. That must be how all the cute boys are nowadays. Not that I would know and/or care.
Bella, now that she knows Edward's big, unsurprising secret, wants to know what he eats, but, instead, he gives her a piggyback ride through the forest so that he can stand in the sun and sparkle and make a tinkly noise. Bella tells him that his skin looks like diamonds, but it's probably actually his vampire flesh breaking down before her eyes; unfortunately, she's too infatuated to care about Edward's pain. After Edward gets out of the sun before bursting into flames, presumably, he starts moping because he's a "dangerous predator" . . . but only if his prey are sales at Hot Topic, even though he thinks of himself as more of a great white shark and I'd love to see the movie Vampires Vs. Sharks and he wants to eat Bella, and not even in the prurient sense.
Bella, confused by Edward's big confession, gives him mixed signals before calling herself a stupid lamb, after which she sits in a field with Edward to not have sex. After all, one of the overriding themes of the Twilight series is that sex is bad. That night, Bella gets all wistful in bed and has mopey exposition because she's so totally in love with Edward. The next day, at school, Edward and Bella arrive together and Edward channels Jason Patric from The Lost Boys because, even though he's not getting any, he still wants to appear like he is. Later, Edward recounts his personal history to Bella he's about 105 years old or so, due to nearly being a victim of the Spanish Flu and then he talks about all the people Carlisle has bitten to make his family before joking about drinking Bella's blood. Ah, vampire humor.
That afternoon, at Bella's house, Edward jumps all over the place like a spaz and then he fixes Bella's truck with his super strength. Edward then invites Bella over for dinner but, before he and Bella can not have more sex, Jacob and his dad show up to spoil the fun because Jacob's into Bella, but his dad doesn't like Edward at all. I guess vampires are trouble in that town, like greasers. In the evening, Bella joins Edward for dinner at his place, where the Cullen family makes Italian food for her, assuming that she's Italian based on her name. Before she gets there, though, the Cullens mock Bella's humanity and, once she arrives, bitchy Rosalie makes it plain that she doesn't like Bella. Meanwhile, dippy HOT CHICK sister Alice (Ashley Greene) wants to be Bella's BFF, probably just to spite Rosalie.
After not having dinner because she already ate, Bella accompanies Edward up to his bedroom where he shows off his CD collection and they dance to Debussy even though she doesn't dance. More on that later. Rather than listen to Bella complain, Edward takes her on another piggyback ride, this time through the trees so that they can hang out in a tree and not have sex yet again. Later, at the diner, Bella meets with her father, who's still looking for Molester Santa's murderer. Yep, hard at work . . . in case the murderer decides to visit the diner. Meanwhile, outside, one of Bella's classmates humps a tree, which leads to Bella's dad clumsily asking her about her lovelife.
OK; there's at least one vampire who's worthy of a nibble.
Just to be annoying, Bella's mom also asks if she's getting any, but, before Bella can answer, Edward appears in her room because he just love stalking her. Strangely, she loves it too, so I suppose it really isn't stalking. Either way, Bella and Edward finally start making out, but, before they can actually have sex, Edward bends the laws of physics and throws himself off of Bella. Instead of trying to copulate again, Edward and Bella just cuddle in bed all night. Thankfully, she doesn't tell him that "it's alright; it happens to a lot of vampires."
The next day, Bella's dad gets drunk and cleans his shotgun, which must be way more common than logic would dictate, considering all the stories of people who shoot themselves because they're drunk while cleaning their firearms. Bella ruins his high by telling him that she likes Edward and she even invites her new boyfriend in to say "hi," which he does, diplomatically. Later, Edward takes Bella back into the forest to meet with his family, because they're going to play baseball. There is one catch to the endeavor, however: they can only play when there's a thunderstorm brewing because their superpowers make the crack of the bat sound like thunder. Oh, that's just hilarious. I'm surprised the Yankees haven't signed any of the Cullens, then. Although would vampirism be considered performance enhancing?
The game goes on in good fun for a while until the evil Abercrombie and Fitch models brooding Laurent (Edi Gathegi), creepy James (Cam Gigandet), and psycho HOT CHICK Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) interrupt and a standoff ensues . . . at least until Laurent suggests that they join in the fun. Carlisle, to his credit, assents and everything's cool until James takes a whiff of Bella's patchouli and decides that he wants a piece of that, much to Edward's chagrin. This causes a breakdown in relations between the Cullens and the evil Abercrombie and Fitch models and Edward, sensing danger, runs off with Bella to safety away from James. Along the way to safety, Edward hints that Bella's father is doomed, since James will just eat him because he can't get Bella, but Bella dumps Edward over this and ends up back at her dad's house. Her dad, who just wants his daughter to be happy, tries to make peace because he thinks Bella's weird behavior is all his fault, even though he wasn't the one who pawned off his own daughter just to run off with a minor-league baseball player.
Bella, just wanting to get away from everyone, hops in her car, headed to Phoenix and the comfort of her mother . . . the same mother who didn't want her around. I never thought I'd see a movie rehash a plot point from Crossroads. Before Bella can get out of Washington, Edward jumps onto her truck and takes the wheel, commandeering her truck to his house. Once there, Laurent sells out his buddies because he's evidently a not-so-evil Abercrombie and Fitch model, unlike his associates. With Laurent's information in hand, the Cullens still dressed in their baseball gear prepare for war while dippy HOT CHICK Alice drives Bella to Arizona and, once there, she has visions because she can SEE THE FUTURE! Maybe she'll tell me how this movie ends so I don't have to watch anymore.
Sorry, ladies; this is how vampires should really look.
While Bella chills at a hotel with Alice and another Cullen, evil James runs down to Phoenix and, apparently, attacks Bella's mom; he then calls Bella and tells her to meet him for a final showdown in a ballet studio? Wait . . . I thought Bella said she never danced! That dirty, mopey liar! Once Bella goes to the ballet studio, James corners her and pulls out a video camera like he's making the sequel to American Beauty. Bella, not content to end up like Thora Birch, maces James and, unsurprisingly, it has absolutely no effect. But, before James can laugh off the chemical warfare, Edward shows up out of nowhere to fight off James and apologize to Bella. Alas, he's not as quick as he should be, as James takes a moment during the fight to vamp out on Bella, leading to Edward biting out James' throat. I guess he just watched Road House and was inspired.
With James incapacitated, the rest of the Cullens show up to destroy him personally while Bella goes into convulsions, leading to Edward and Carlisle arguing about her fate. Edward doesn't want to save her or maybe he does . . . I stopped caring a while ago but he ends up sucking out the "vampire venom" and a little bit of her blood, just because he can. Somehow, this causes Bella to have a flashback to scenes earlier in the film, probably just to remind astute viewers of everything they've seen so far.
Eventually, Bella wakes up in the hospital with her mom who was perfectly fine after all, since she was nowhere near Phoenix and Bella is a gullible moron and Edward, who's kept vigil at Bella's bedside for an indeterminate amount of time. Bella's mom brainwashes her into believing that she fell down two flights of stairs and out a window because it's an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT that Bella is clumsy instead of getting attacked by a vampire and then she invites Bella to come with her to Florida. Bella, instead, would rather stay in Washington and apologize to her father; Edward, on the other hand, wants Bella to go to Florida, since vampires hate swampy weather, apparently. Bella, since she's insanely co-dependent, doesn't want to leave Edward and freaks out over the thought of separation.
This pretty much sums up the Twilight experience.
Later, back in Washington, Edward and Bella's father share an uncomfortable silence at the dinner table until Bella walks downstairs in a dress she borrowed from dippy HOT CHICK Alice because OMG~! she and Edward are going to the prom together. Although now all her friends are going to know she's a dirty liar because she said she'd be out of town that weekend instead. On the way out, Bella's dad jokes with Edward and then Jacob stops by to say "hi" and tell Bella that his dad doesn't want her dating Edward since those emo greasers are bad news. Bella, of course, doesn't listen to ANY ADVICE EVER, so she and Edward go to the prom where they dance in a glittering gazebo is it a vampire gazebo? and she gets all mopey because Edward didn't make her a vampire so she'll die and he'll keep on living and she just can't handle being dead without him and I can't believe I'll never have these two hours of my life back.
I'll be the first to admit that Twilight isn't meant for my particular demographic, but that shouldn't discount me from noting this film's flaws. First, however, I do have to commend the actors, who are totally blameless in this situation, trying to make the best of the material at hand. Though he may be annoyingly overexposed, Pattinson has the correct amount of disaffection in his role as Edward, showing him to be deep and conflicted without becoming pretentiously so. Stewart, as well, isn't terrible at all, making Bella believable as a confused teenager, for the most part. In addition, the rest of the Cullens are grossly underused, as all their characters come off as magnetically charismatic . . . though perhaps if they were on screen more, that would have changed.
The problems largely lie in the storyline and, as well, the look of the film. On the latter, the film seems to be shot in a constant blue haze, giving every scene an undead pallor, that, while appropriate, gets to be overdone very quickly. I know it's usually cloudy in Washington, but this is ridiculous. In addition, the whole "vampire reveal" scene in the woods is just laughable, between unnecessary camera movements weird rotations, close-ups, and long-distance shots and the unintentionally hilarious "sparkling," which should probably be profound but just ends up looking goofy. As well, the aforementioned storyline brings the film down, as Bella and Edward, largely, are unhealthily obsessed with each other; though Edward has a good excuse he wants to eat Bella, in a matter of speaking, Bella is just being an overly awkward teenager. Though I completely understand that teenagers can be awkward, the film makes Bella, Edward, and everyone else PAINFULLY AWKWARD, making me feel, at times, as if I shouldn't be watching this film. At the end, however, I'm glad I did, because otherwise I would've missed out on a huge Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as I skewer some superheroes, starting with a biker who's simply flaming. See you then!
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