A Fool's Utopia 11.05.09: Five Things I've Learned

Posted by Ron Martin on 11.05.2009

This week in one man's utopia we discuss five things I've learned from the fall movie/tv season, the continuation of the Scream franchise, my man love for Kathy Ireland, Pizza Party and retails rush into the Christmas season.

Somewhere near the middle of September, I wrote a column about expectations I had for the upcoming season, meaning Fall or Autumn if you're so inclined. These expectations included the upcoming TV schedule, movies and even a little bit of football thrown in for good measure.

Now we're in the midst of Autumn, nearing it's end. I know the calendar officially says winter begins just a few days before Christmas, but we all know once the Turkey is on the table and shopping sprees are planned, fall is a thing of the past. With that in mind, I bring you…

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED THIS FALL

I hope I rambled on enough to get past the ad on the right or Ashish will kill me.

1. The Office is in trouble of being the least funny show on NBC Thursdays



Before I get a bunch of comments and emails tell me I'm an idiot because The Office is hilarious, let me somewhat redeem myself by saying that I enjoy The Office. I watch it every week. However, of the four shows that air on Thursday nights for NBC, I think it may be the most inconsistently funny.

30 Rock is established as a top sitcom. It brings the funny every week. Even on a down week, you can count on one or two funny bits. While it's still early, Community has started strong gaining some word of mouth. It's a funny show. The jury is still out as a lot of shows start off funny and then tends to falter, but so far so good. That brings us to Parks and Recreation. People I know seem to be split on this one, either they think it's really hilarious, or they just don't. Count me in with the former as I think this show is coming into its own. Louis CK as Leslie's police officer boyfriend is a great addition to the cast. With the last episode being the best one yet, I look forward to seeing where this show goes.

That brings us to The Office, which is up and down when it's at its best anymore. I did enjoy the Koi Pond episode, but nothing so far this season has shown that the writers are capable or willing to get away from the last two seasons worth of short term storytelling and burying the background characters. This experiment with Jim as co-manager hasn't made much of a difference and even the Pam's mom/Michael storyline while effective one week, is completely ignored the next. It may not be permanent because the show is capable of showing up with outstanding episode, but for now, we'll take a wait and see approach.

2. Ghost Hunters has a built-in audience, no matter what happens


Ghost Hunters is a lot like wrestling. When wrestling is at its worst (see WWE circa 2002-current) it can always count on a hardcore fanbase to keep its rating deep. No matter how shitty it gets, the WWE can count on a rating just north of 3.0. Ghost Hunters is much the same way. Despite the outrage by thousands of viewers after the "Collargate" incident at the 2008 Live Halloween show, Ghost Hunters ratings didn't decline. In fact, the enjoyed a slight bump at the turn of the year.

Ghost Hunters International does roughly the same numbers with a completely different ghost hunting style and only two cast members that formerly appeared as regulars on GH. I am sure that the new Ghost Academy will do just about the same numbers as its predecessors. The series has a devoted following and at this point, there's nothing they can do to detract that fanbase.

3. The Saw series is done as a box office draw



This should be obvious to anyone who has followed the box office in the last month. Saw, when it first came out wasn't a great movie, but it was innovative and different. It was fun. When the second and third installments came out, the newness was somewhat worn down, but they were still fun movies. By the fourth installment the grind of putting out a new movie each and every year was beginning to show. At this point, it's just a gorefest. As I've mentioned in this column before, the whole torture porn fad is all but run its course. Proof of this? Saw VI couldn't even beat out a movie that had already been in theaters two or three weeks on its opening weekend.

I'm not saying there is no place in the world for Saw movies, but perhaps they should start thinking straight to DVD like all the Saw imitators.

4. America is ready for something different from Hollywood



I was never really very sure of this one, though I was always hopeful. There's always been a formula for Hollywood. Break out the big stars, spend lots of money on effect and they will come. It worked in 1950, it worked in 1980 and it will work in 2010. The difference in the 21st century has been a renewed interest in not creating anything new. Hollywood would rather invest hundred of millions of dollars remaking an all time classic knowing it will fall short of expectations; rebooting a dead franchise and or concentrating on the next Scream movie long after the series lost its relevance.

Paranormal Activity was a fresh of breath air. It showed that you don't have to spend millions to make a movie that Americans like. They still like creativity. I really enjoy the "from the camera's view" format (though now that I say that, the genre will be whored out to the point of me being sick of it). On top of that, the film was simple, mainly involved just two characters, involved little to no gore and was scarier than any movie that spent exponentially more money this year.

It's good to know that a good idea can still go a long way in today's Hollywood of repetitive crap.

5. Mini-series are dead



Was the 80s the heyday for the mini-series? It seemed like there were dozens of super successful mini-series. In case you have been living in a cave for the past month, ABC is remaking the successful V mini-series. This is a remake I'm okay with because of the upgrading to the series that good special effects can give us. Like all other remakes, however, ABC has decided to veer off the beaten path and shake things up. No longer is V a mini-series, but is now a full blown series. There was enough potential from the original storyline to branch out into a series, so that shouldn't be a problem for competent writers (something ABC has struggled with lately). It will most likely get good ratings and be a quality show for awhile.

The hidden statement here is that the mini-series is no longer seen as a viable moneymaking option for networks. The last mini-series I can remember is Kingdom Hospital and I think that was more of a series that got cancelled midseason. No more will a network spend gobs of money wooing movie stars to show up on their network for a four night run when they can just pop some reality show in there for a quarter of the price or draw it out into an entire series to optimize money. I guess it's a byproduct of the evolution of TV, but at the same time, weren't those minis fun?



-- After reading a couple of interviews with Kevin Williamson about the upcoming Scream 4, I am again hopeful that perhaps this won't be as terrible as I think it will be. I try to keep in mind that the worst of the first three movies was by far, Scream 3. I also try to keep in mind that Kevin Williamson had very little (I believe just the first draft) to do with Scream 3.

Recapped even here on 411, he talks about a new trilogy of movies revolving around new characters. This can work. With all the fads that have come to Hollywood since Scream 3, there is plenty to satire. Self referencing torture porn, remakes, reboots and/or the 3D fad are all good ways to start. I'd even give a nod to the straight to DVD market for films that start well, but then fizzle out after too many sequels. I'm going to give Kevin the benefit of the doubt that this can work.

That said, the only way this can work is if the returning three characters (Sidney Prescott, Gale Weathers and Dewey) are either killed or leave the scene for good in the first movie. If the new trilogy involves around the three of these characters, then this thing is going to be a bust. We've been there and done that. New characters can work and I'm willing to give Williamson the benefit of the doubt. If he hits it right, all the cast members can come out of the movie a bigger star than they were going in like in the original. It'll keep Neve Campbell off the "Where are they now?" shows for another five years or so.

Then again, I am a hopeless Scream fanboy, so what do I know?


FIVE COMPLETELY UNRELATED THOUGHTS

1. The new A-Team promotional poster doesn't look too bad, but I am not fooled. Every shitty movie has decent promotional stills. I can't and probably won't get past the whole Rampage Jackson thing. Mr. T better have a cameo in this mother!



2. Sports Thoughts of the Week:

a. Why is baseball still being played in November?
b. As much as I would love a Saints/Colts Super Bowl, it never seems to work out that way, does it?
c. Not that he had a big uphill climb to fill the third spot, but I am going to miss John Gruden as Monday Night Football commentator should he choose to go back into coaching next season. He has a contagious enthusiasm, even when he overdoes it in regards to the Wildcat offense.
d. I thought the Pacers had a shot at the playoffs this year. I know it's early, but it's not looking promising, is it?

3. For the homeowners out there, I could use some advice. Do I go ahead and mow one last time (though my yard is completely covered in dead leaves) or do I let the grass stay as it is and die off? Any thoughts?

4. Judging from my neighborhood, it seems like ninjas was the big costume for kids this Halloween. Lots of ninjas. I was trying to figure out why the ninja made such a comeback. The only thing I could come up with were the two ninjas in the GI Joe movie. The most original costume I saw? A shopping cart. Nice.

5. I totally understand why stores pimp out Christmas merchandise as early as they can. They look at Christmas as if it is the savior of their year. Christmas alone is going to put them in the black; the sooner we can get to Christmas, the better everything will be. As I walked amongst the half price fake pumpkins and vampire wall hangings, I wondered why they had been relegated to one aisle a week before Halloween while the middle section of the store had been cleared out for the oncoming Christmas onslaught. I know Christmas is big, but why would you cut the second largest commercial holiday short? It seems like you could make more money drawing out the second into the first, right? How much Christmas stuff is being sold before October 31 that it needs the entire holiday section? November 1, by all means, make way for Santa and his reindeer, but aren't you shooting yourself in the foot by cutting another veritably profitable holiday short?


-- Do you remember when the only sauce options at Taco Bell were ‘Hot' and ‘Mild?' How about when all your McDonalds sandwiches were snuggled in styrofoam containers? Ever experience the pizza monster at a Noble Romans? If you have, then you're in for a treat because we is all RETRO up in here.

First, I'd like to give you this video of a guy taking a video of his TV…



It may not be the most technologically advanced way of doing things, but give the guy points for bringing the goods because without him I would have no way of sharing with you guys the board game jingle that will be stuck in your head for years now. Seriously, Pizza Party came out in 1987 and I still walk around humming that jingle sometimes.

Aside from the jingle, Pizza Party is a basic memory game where you are either pepperoni, onion, green peppers or mushroom and have to flip over your ingredient and be the first to fill up your slice. There is an obstacle tossed in as you could have to switch slices with someone at some point, but it was really all about the jingle. And the Italian guy who just excited to be in any commercial.



From an Italian guy glad to be in a commercial to an entire cast glad to just get some work.

Let me preface this by saying that when I was a teen, I was a big Kathy Ireland fan. I thought she was the cat the kept the cradle rocking. Being such, I had certain responsibilities. If Kathy had a poster, I had to buy it. If Kathy had a workout tape, I had to buy it. If Kathy starred in her own made for TV movie, I had to not only watch it, but record it on my all Kathy Ireland VHS compilation tape (which I still have hidden in the corner of some box in some closet). That being said, fanboy card aside, Kathy just isn't going to win any Academy Awards, is she?



A movie that changed its name for video release and doesn't even have a wikipedia page is as good as you think it is. Let's see if you recognize the premise. A group of people survive an airline crash on a remote island and start running into strange creatures. Sound familiar?

Yes, years ahead of its time, Kathy Ireland, a tween Nikki Cox and oddly, June Lockhart was part of a ragtag crew just trying to survive life on a not-so-deserted island. One guy got pulled under by some unknown creature, but he survived and things were going swimmingly for awhile. We even got a nice "bathing" scene of all the girls (Lockhart not included). As you might suspect, things are not what they seem. The guy who got pulled under (I want to call him Frank) starts acting all weird and stalking the others. Fruit is seemingly good one day and then disintegrates the next. What's a supermodel to do?



How about find the remains of an old military base and proof that they were experimenting on the island; experiments that may have been their own personal downfall, mind you. How about stalk down mysterious creatures, including Frank, capture them and save the day? Not really. Kathy was just along for the ride while "the heroes" did all the work. We all know that I am sucker for things from my youth, so no matter how bad the movies get, Kathy knows she has one loyal customer.

Forgotten Music Video



Terence Trent D'Arby is so pretty his band has to wear sunglasses just to look at him. Personality faults aside, I've always like this song and had it on my ipod as recently as last year. I don't know if it's the epic flute riff, the smoothness of Terence's voice or the way he first slides to the microphone and then kicks it around so coolly that I got icicles on my goatee, but this song still works. Okay, I'm pretty sure it's the way he slides to the microphone. Even I had forgotten this video! Never forgot the song, but hadn't seen the video since I was barely old enough to drink. It's not a bad video. It's like a remix of studio performance and a Terence Trent D'Arby sex tape. The guy was certainly talented, but if I remember correctly, he knew that he was and wasn't afraid to tell everyone as much. I believe in Greek mythology this is called ‘hubris' and led to the downfall of many a Greek hero. I am guessing by last name that Terence wasn't Greek – maybe he has some Greek in him? Regardless, he is far too pretty to be on the "Where are they now?" list.

Random Shot from Random SNES game I owned

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

November 5, 1986

#1 Song

Cyndi Lauper - New Music - More Music Videos

"True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper

#1 Album



Third Stage by Boston

#1 Movie



Crocodile Dundee

I must leave you now while I practice sliding in front of a microphone.