TV Rants and Raves 11.11.09

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 11.11.2009

In this issue we Rant and Rave about the end of "Numbers," "Ugly Betty," "Grey's Anatomy," "Three Rivers," "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," "foreign" TV, "A.M. Raw," Bill Curtis, Ted Levine's future, and more, plus a Special Comment on how to save NBC, Royal Mail wins a special award, and more!

TV Rants and Raves Issue #18: In this issue we Rant and Rave about the end of "Numbers," "Ugly Betty," "Grey's Anatomy," "Three Rivers," "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," "foreign" TV, "A.M. Raw," Bill Curtis, Ted Levine's future, and more, plus a Special Comment on how to save NBC, Royal Mail wins a special award, and more!

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the TV centric internets column that is this close to figuring out how to move things with its mind (we just have to figure out how to get over the bullshit factor. After that's conquered, it's world domination time) TV Rants and Raves. I'm Bryan Kristopowitz.

Before I get into the main hooha of the column, can I just say that I don't fully understand what the big deal is with High Def television? I've been watching TV on a High Def TV for about a month now and I seriously can't tell the difference between High Def and the regular old digital picture. People keep telling me that by watching High Def it's like being there (in the TV show, at the football game, whatever the case may be). The only difference that I see is that the TV is now a rectangle instead of a square.



And I'm watching High Def channels, too. Am I just nuts? Is there something wrong with my eyes? Could it be the lights in the TV room? The cable hook up? What am I missing here?

I really feel like I've been scammed.

Okay, with that out of the way, now it's on to the main part of the column. So, here goes something:

TV Rants and Raves



-"Numbers" might get cancelled: Word came down from on high at CBS that "Numbers," the Jerry Bruckheimer produced FBI procedural starring David "Joel Glicker" Krumholtz, Rob Morrow, and the Judd fucking Hirsch is on its way out. According to zap2it.com, CBS cut the number of episodes for this season from 22 to 16 and that writers and producers are plotting the end of the show so its loyal fans can feel a bit of "closure."

Now, I've never actually watched "Numbers" (for whatever reason it's a show that's escaped me since it started back in 2005), but I know that it has a loyal viewership. I kind of figured that when CBS picked up "Medium" and said it was going to put that show on Fridays after "Ghost Whisperer" that CBS would start running ads that they own Friday nights. "Ghost Whisperer," "Medium," and "Numbers;" how the heck can that line up lose?

Apparently, it can lose. You'd think both CBS and Bruckheimer would try to figure out a way to keep the show going for at least another year since it just entered syndication (it airs nightly on TNT). The more episodes the show has to offer for syndication the more money the show's backers can potentially make. What happened there?

After "Numbers" ends, CBS will most likely put the pretty decent Canadian cop show "Flashpoint" in its place. Will "Flashpoint" actually get a better rating than "Numbers," or will it basically generate the same rating but because it costs quite a bit less to produce it's more attractive? Are we finally going to see that influx of internationally co-produced programming that we keep hearing about every so often?

So, is "Numbers" worth watching in reruns?



-"Ugly Betty" thoughts: I commented a few weeks ago on how it was completely unnecessary for "Ugly Betty" to start off its fourth season with a two hour premiere since nothing happened to really warrant that amount of premiere time. Now I'm going to comment on how this show, which I've loved since it started, has basically become rudderless. Kind of pointless. Bordering on boring.

So Betty is now a junior editor at Mode. It's a big change for her character, no doubt. And yet it's like she's still Daniel's assistant as we never really see her editing anything. She's just hanging around Daniel's office. She's still battling Mark and Amanda's combined cruelty (she's done some one-on-one stuff with Mark that's been funny and interesting, but it's still the same old hooey. How exactly is Betty fat?) and she's still getting pushed around by people. Her love life is, well, lame (I've stopped caring about whether or not she's going to hook up with Matt. The show should bring back Gio. She had good chemistry with him). In short, for all of the change in Betty's life, nothing has really changed at all.





And the rest of the cast isn't doing all that well, either. Hilda's ongoing relationship with Ralph Macchio's character is kind of interesting but it's been put on the backburner so to speak. Justin just sort of hangs around now not doing much of anything (does Hilda know that her son is gay? Is she the only one that doesn't know? Are we ever going to see an episode where Justin announces that he is, in fact, gay and we get to see everyone's reaction to it?). I have no idea what the hell Ignacio is doing. And pretty much everyone at Mode, from Claire to Wilhelmina to Daniel is stuck in a rut. There's some stuff simmering there, sure, with Claire's ongoing relationship with Sledgehammer, and Wilhelmina's thing with her scam artist daughter, and Daniel's budding relationship with the woman from the grief counseling group, but when the heck is something going to happen?

The show is on Friday nights now. It has to make its own waves. If it's going to come back next year (or even just finish out this season) stuff, juicy stuff, needs to start happening and happening now.

And, again, how exactly is Betty (America Ferrera) fat? Pudgy?





-"Grey's Anatomy" thoughts: And here's another show that's in big trouble when it comes to excitement. So far, this new season has been kind of lame and listless. George's death? Hasn't really mattered yet. Izzy's cancer is in remission, but she's decided to leaver her husband Karev and have some kind of personal freak out. Meredith is now married to McDreamy but show creator/producer Shonda Rhimes hasn't figured out what that all means. Christina is fighting with Owen for some reason (that whole shell shock thing that happened last season sure got pushed into the background, didn't it?). McSteamy is still banging little Grey but who cares? And Bailey is just sort of hanging around the hospital, yelling at people.



There are two interesting things going on, though. The whole hospital merger thing with Mercy West has added a bit of energy into the story (just a bit, though. The doctors that have come over from Mercy West haven't exactly made a big impression yet. What's the deal with that woman with the big eyes that has the hots for Karev?). I, personally, would like to see more arguing between Richard Webber, Chief of Surgery, and the rich scumbag administrator that Mitch Pileggi is playing (it's so odd seeing good old Walter Skinner side-by-side with Alvin Kersh. It's also odd seeing Pileggi playing a straight laced scumbag businessman on Thursdays and a dirty Nazi skinhead scumbag on "Sons of Anarchy" on Tuesdays).





The other interesting thing going on is the lesbian relationship between Callie and Arizona. Jessica Capshaw's Dr. Arizona Robbins has become a breath of fresh air on the show. She's funny, she has an interesting specialty (kids), and she's incredibly hot. Her girlfriend Callie (Sara Ramirez) is pretty goddamn hot, too (Callie also has an interesting specialty, bone breaking and whatnot). They have great chemistry together. So what the heck is the hold up with putting more focus on them and considerably less on Meredith's bullshit, or Izzy's?



Yeah, I know, fat chance of anything like that ever happening.



(I'm a pig for saying this, but I'm saying it anyway. Yum-mee).

You know, I'm beginning to think more and more that what "Grey's Anatomy" needs is for Patrick Dempsey's character to leave. I mean, Meredith isn't going anywhere, she's pretty much the central character of the show, but Dempsey's Derek Shepherd isn't. He could easily go away and the show could get some other alpha male for Meredith to drool over. That could help get the show get over the big ass hump it's currently trying to navigate over.

What are the chances of any of that happening?

Damned if I know.



"I need some spice in my life."



-"Three Rivers" thoughts: This Alex O'Loughlin lead show about organ transplant doctors in Pittsburgh is, at best, okay. It's certainly gotten better since its rather lackluster pilot episode, but I have serious doubts that this show is going to last past this season.

Why isn't it going to last? It's too slow, too bland at times. So far, only O'Loughlin's character and Alfre Woodard's character stand out. I can't tell you who any of the other characters are (there's that Asian guy that one of the patients called "Yo-yo Ma" but I can't tell you anything else about him). The organ transplant situations are all situations we've seen a million times before on other medical shows. And, for whatever reason, despite the urgent nature of transporting and then transplanting organs there's no real sense of urgency within the show. Everything that happens just sort of happens.

So how do you fix the show? I'm not sure you can actually fix this show. They could make it more fast paced, they could make the characters more dynamic, they could give the show a greater sense of urgency, but then what do you end up with? A fast paced show featuring people giving important, heart felt speeches every seven minutes. That's going to get boring pretty freaking fast. So maybe the best thing to do with this show is leave it alone. Let it play itself out and see if more people (or, really, enough people) are interested in the show to keep it going.

But, then, does the show really belong on Sunday nights? I don't think it does. I think I'd rather see something like "Flashpoint" moved to Sundays. "Three Rivers" would probably work well with "Ghost Whisperer" and "Medium." It could be O'Loughlin's Friday night revenge, since his vampire show "Moonlight" got cancelled.

Yeah, like that's ever going to happen (man, that sentence seems to be a theme here, doesn't it?).



-I'm really, really, really tired of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition": Hasn't this fucking show played itself out yet? How many times can people watch other people completely freak out over the new house that they're never going to be able to pay for in terms of up keep before someone kicks Ty Pennington in the balls and tells him to get the fuck out of there?

And what's with all of the fucking screaming? And the neighborhood "coming together" shit? And that goddamn music that plays towards the end of the show? And hasn't the world had enough of these fucking celebrities showing up to "help?" Why exactly was David Duchovny there? Was he trying to bang someone's wife?

I hate this fucking show. I'd rather see a weekly, two hour block of "Funniest Home Videos." At least that show never gets old.



-I wish the U.S. had better access to international television: I've never really understood why American television isn't more open to "international television." Oh, sure, we occasionally get a few shows from Canada on regular old network television, and there are a few Canadian shows in syndication on the weekend (the sci-fi show "ReGenesis" has become a bit of a Saturday afternoon/Sunday night staple recently, and that show "Cold Squad" was on for a little while). PBS and BBC America bring us various British shows, new and old. So where are the German shows? The Russian shows? The shows from Japan? How about programming from Brazil?

My local cable outfit has some kind of "international TV package" where you can subscribe to "foreign" satellite channels (and I imagine the satellite companies have international TV packages), but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about full on, foreign TV on regular old American TV. Why don't we have it?

Is it the language thing? Are Americans just too lazy to watch TV shows that they'll have to pay attention to in order to read the subtitles? Is it too expensive to dub these shows into English?

I know that Spanish language TV is pretty dang popular with non-Spanish speaking audiences. What do the shows on those channels have that shows from France apparently don't have?





- What exactly is the point of "A.M. Raw"?: "A.M. Raw" has been on USA, what, four or five years now? What exactly is the draw of watching a clip show of last week's "Monday Night Raw" at two in the morning on a Saturday?

I mean, are people actually watching this show regularly? Are people staying up late on Saturdays to watch? Or is this mostly a show people record and watch Sunday morning? I can't imagine that "A.M. Raw" has the same late night following that the old "ECW" show had back when it was still sort of an underground wrestling promotion and you had to catch it on the MSG network at 1am.

You'd think that, with the WWE's transformation back into PG/ kind of "family friendly" entertainment that USA would have the show on Saturday or Sunday morning. You know, when kids can watch. And it's just a clip show. It's sad to think that, over the last few years, that clip shows are acceptable wrestling entertainment. Remember when there were lots of different shows and each show had original matches?

Man, I miss "WWF Wrestling Challenge." And NWA/WCW Main Event (and the Friday Night Power Hour). And WCW Saturday Night. Those were good shows.



- I love the "Crime and Investigation Network": CIN (I don't know if that's what the network's shorthand actually is but that's what I'm going to call it) is one of the coolest channels currently on cable (it's part of my High Def cable package). It's just wall-to-wall crime and mystery shows, both dramas and those nifty as all hooha A&E true crime shows. It's the channel Sleuth used to be before it became a mirror image of USA.



There's a lawyer show on there, "Philly," that apparently aired on ABC for a year back in the early 2000's. I've never heard of it. Tom Everett Scott is in it, as is Kim Delaney and professional douchebag Rick Hoffman. In one sense, it's pretty much like every other lawyer show. There are cases, hip and edgy lawyers on both sides, downtrodden defendants, and a great sense of rage against "the system." But it's got an energy like no other show I've seen. I don't want to call it "electricity" but I can't think of any other word to describe it. Why the hell did it get cancelled? I'm shocked that "Philly" didn't get at least two or three seasons.

The channel also has "Nash Bridges" (a show that kind of petered out after two seasons but was still entertaining), "Crossing Jordan" (this show should have had a better series finale), and "24" (I've never watched "24," but I've been meaning to, just to see what all the hooha is about). And just oodles and oodles of documentaries hosted by the Bill Curtis.

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Man, Bill Curtis has got to be the hardest working man in television. Look at the shows he's hosted over the years. A few years ago he was the A&E network. Maybe that's what CIN should be called instead of CIN. The Bill Curtis Network (BCN). He can host/introduce every show on there, kind of like how Robert Osborne hosts Turner Classic Movies.





"It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

- What the hell is Ted Levine going to do when "Monk" ends?: Really, what the hell is Ted Levine, who plays Leland Stottlemeyer on the quickly coming to a close "Monk," going to do when "Monk" is over? The man is still identified as the weird beard fake transsexual serial killer Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb, and I know that he's tried for years to get away from that typecasting. And despite eight years of playing Captain Stottlemeyer he's still seen as Buffalo Bill.

So, again, what the hell is he going to do when "Monk" is over? Are they (and by "they" I mean TV and movie producers) going to let him play other kinds of characters besides weird beard serial killers? Will they allow him to play cops or FBI agents for the rest of his career?

And what the hell is Tony Shaloub going to do? What does he have lined up for after he finds out who killed Trudy? And Jason Gray-Stanford, good old Randy Disher, what the hell is he going to do? And poor Traylor Howard. She doesn't have anything lined up according to imdb.com. What is poor Natalie going to do once the checks stop coming?

Man, it's depressing thinking about this stuff. I'm sure they'll do fine and find worthwhile, meaningful work, but will it be as good as "Monk?" I doubt it.

And finally,



-What does Oprah's impending move to cable mean for the world of television?: Okay, so Oprah is thinking about moving her mega successful daytime talk show to cable, specifically the cable channel she owns (right now, the channel is called Discovery Health Channel. In 2010 DHC will become OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network). Why she's doing it is obvious (she'll make more money) but why she's doing it now remains a mystery.

Yeah, her ratings have slipped a bit and Ellen's show is beating her in some markets, but Oprah still matters. What she says still matters, and people (regular people and celebrities alike) still want to be on her show. Why do you think Sarah Palin wants to go on Oprah to plug her book?

Again, Oprah still matters. She still commands respect and an audience. And in general syndication she has a greater chance of reaching a wider audience (not everyone has cable). So why give up that wider audience for a likely much smaller audience? And what if the move to cable doesn't work? What if the move damages the brand? Will Oprah still matter enough by then to be able to get back on regular TV?

But then think about this. When Oprah and her "socially responsible show" leave for cable, what's going to fill the general syndication void? Will Ellen just move right into the Oprah slot and become top dog? Will Dr. Phil get bigger? Dr. Oz? Will Maury become bigger than ever? Or will someone else appear and run everyone over? What the hell are networks going to do without Oprah?

Oh, no. I just realized something. If Oprah leaves and no one is there to take her show's place, the networks may just decide to put infomercials on. I mean, that's what the networks usually do when a successful show in syndication ends. Or they put on a really lame game show that no one watches but somehow still stays on the air.

Shit. I don't even like Oprah, but I've come to the conclusion that she can't leave regular syndication and move her talk show to cable. It's just too risky for my general mental health. I don't want to see any more goddamn infomercials. I just know that that's what the networks have in store for us.

So, come on Oprah, don't leave us! We still need you!



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And now, a shameless plug for TLC



Have you ever seen the reality show "Cut Flowers"? Yeah, me neither. But I am kind of intrigued by the following clip.



Is this show any good? I guess we can all find out later tonight at 10pm on TLC. Will you be watching?

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Complete Lies

Once again, this column presents to the pop culture zeitgeist two complete lies. None of it is true. Not one bit of it. There is absolutely no reason to think any of this stuff is true. Not at all.

Enjoy.

- There's a new "Dirty Harry" property floating around out there, and word on the street is that the producers have already picked an actor to play the part made famous by Clint Eastwood back in 1971. And who is that actor?

Morgan Freeman.



Yes, that's right, Morgan fucking Freeman. The former high school principal Joe Clark, Union Civil War soldier Sgt. John Rawlins, and President of the United States is set to walk the mean streets of Chicago (the original took place in San Francisco. Producers refused comment on the locale change) with a badge, a bad, ass kicking attitude, and a big ass .44 magnum.

"I've obviously been friends with Clint for years now," Freeman recently told a German radio show, "and he has given me his blessing to play the part. I mean, I just want to say outright that I'm just playing 'Dirty' Harry Callahan. Clint will always be 'Dirty' Harry."

Other details, such as the proposed film's story, bad guy, and whether or not the new "Dirty" Harry will have a partner have not been revealed, but the film is tentatively set to be released in early 2011.

"I can't wait to do this," Freeman told the German radio show. "I'm really looking forward to asking some punk if he feels lucky."

- Ed Begley, Jr., the well known character actor and uber environmentalist, is developing a new show for cable channel VH-1 called "Playing the Ed Begley, Jr. Card." According to insiders, the show will be part improv comedy and part road trip reality show and feature Begley going to a new town each week and threatening random people with a hatchet. When the local authorities come to arrest him, Begley will then play "The Ed Begley, Jr. Card" and try to get out of trouble by virtue of his celebrity.

"Yeah, I know this show sounds kind of stupid and weird, but that's why I said yes when my agent asked me if I wanted to do it. I've been looking to stretch myself a bit," Begley reportedly told a different German radio show.

Will the show touch on Begley's environmental work?

"Absolutely," the actor said. "The idea at the moment is to have a sort of public service announcement at the end of each show concerning various environmental causes I'm interested in. But it won't be the whole show. It'll just be a part of it."

Announcements will be forthcoming on where Begley, Jr. and his hatchet will be visiting first.



"I am Ed Begley, Jr. Deal with it."

***

The TV Rants and Raves Theme Song of the Week

Enjoy.



And here's another version of that theme song. Once again, enjoy.



***

And now, Dr. Phil.



"Hey, man, I grew up on the streets. I know what's going down. I understand the life. Okay, man? I get it. So what you gotta know before you leave here is this: never pay full price for a blow job from a midget. You'll just disgrace yourself. And that's why I love myself so much. I've never disgraced myself. Even with my wife, regardless of what she says. Goddamn bitch."

My God, Phil, you are such an asshole.

***

And now, the weekly Fearnet update

What's on Fearnet this week? Why don't you go here to find out?

Yes, that's the Fearnet website, where you can check out free movies (the site gets new ones every Wednesday), horror news, and more ("Return of the Living Dead 3" was on there earlier this week. Is it still on there? Check and see). They've also got a pretty nifty web series on there featuring Freddy Krueger hisself, Robert Englund, and Kane "Jason Voorhies" Hodder, "Fear Clinic."



Plus, you can get information on how to contact Time Warner Cable as they still haven't reinstated the free, 24/7 on demand horror channel. Come on Time Warner! We want our Fearnet!

And, if you haven't done so already, please check out the Fearnet fans Facebook page, which can be seen here. There are plenty of people out there interested in Fearnet. Come join them.

(As always, thanks to both Mark Lindsey and Mathew Hirsch for info regarding the Fearnet fan movement).

***



"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by the great Ken Foree) is now on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick, and you will not be disappointed.

The flick now also has a firm DVD release date. According to its MySpace page, "Live Evil" will hit DVD February 23rd, 2010. That's only a four short months away, so remember that date, and be sure to keep an eye on the MySpace page and the flick's new Facebook page for further updates/developments.



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Special Comment



Well, cable giant Comcast didn't buy NBC from General Electric last week, at least as far as I know it didn't. I didn't see anything in the newspaper about it, and I'm sure the NBC Nightly News would have had something about it if it did, indeed, happen. I hope it never happens, mostly because I don't want to see Comcast buy NBC, then sell off the main network to some third party and just keep the cable channels (that was what the articles I read last week said would likely happen if and when Comcast did buy NBC). Rupert Murdoch and his News Corporation were named as possible buyers of the NBC network, and that's really the last thing television needs. Rupert already owns enough media.

But let's just say, for laughs and poops, that Comcast does guy NBC outright and decides to keep the main network. What is Comcast going to do as soon as it owns the network full and clear? Tinker with the schedule. And by "tinker with the schedule" I mean cancel every show "not performing" or, really, "making money" for the network. And that means Jay Leno's ass would be on the line.

Now, I've read articles saying that Leno's new 10pm show, while low rated, is doing fine in terms of selling advertising and making money, and I've read articles saying that Leno's show is this close to getting cancelled and that he's going to be the eventual downfall of the network if he's allowed to stay on the air. I don't really know which scenario is the correct one. But let's just say that Leno's show, in this situation, is on the short list to get the boot, but the new higher ups want to give the show one last shot at "working." What do they do?

Here's my suggestion: move Jay Leno to 8pm. That way, NBC can get back into the drama business at 10pm and the network can use Leno's show as a lead in and as an advertisement for shows that are coming on next as opposed to shows that are always going to be on tomorrow at best. And besides, comedies tend to work best earlier in the night. When was the last successful sitcom scheduled at 10pm?

But wait, what does that mean for the shows on Thursday? Isn't Thursday NBC's "comedy night?" Wouldn't moving Jay Leno to 8pm ruin the flow of Thursday (again, when was the last time a sitcom on network TV was successful after 10pm? Who the hell is going to watch "The Office" on NBC at 10:30pm?)? Well, yeah, it'll ruin the current flow of the night, no question about it. If a drama moves into the 10pm slot that means there's only an hour of prime time left for four sitcoms. What the heck do you do about that?

How about no rerun runs of each of those shows? Maybe don't do all 22 episodes in a row, but do like ten week runs of each show and then bring on something else for ten weeks. That way, good but ratings challenged sitcoms can have time to find an audience, and if a show is a hit and works the network can build viewer anticipation for more episodes later on in the year. Use the internets for reruns of shows that have already been on for ten weeks. And the network can do this all year long. It's win-win for everyone. The network always has fresh programming and a way to take chances on sitcoms and comedies that may not otherwise get a chance, and audiences always have something new to watch.
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And then maybe, just maybe, Jay Leno can matter again. Well, matter in a good way.



***

The TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week





This week, the TV Rants and Raves Douchebag of the Week goes to Great Britain's Royal Mail, for rejecting a stamp featuring British comedy legend Benny Hill as part of the mail service's stamp series celebrating the 40th anniversary of the British TV channel ITV. According to the article I read in the New York Post, Royal Mail officials decided not to issue a Benny Hill stamp because of nationwide policies on "workplace harassment."

Yeah. "Workplace harassment." You see, the late, great Benny Hill, on his hilarious sketch comedy show back in the day, used to parade around with scantily clad, incredibly attractive women, and, yes, he used those women as objects, but it was all done for comedy. It was all a joke. No one took it seriously. That's why it was so dang funny. It was all so fucking ridiculous. So this snub, in my estimation, is just so incredibly lame. This is like the Royal Mail not producing a "Monty Python" stamp because of the "violence" in "Holy Grail." "John Cleese massacred twenty people in that movie. We can't, in good conscience, condone violence like that."



Get with it, Royal Mail. Honor Benny fucking Hill!





"This hat cost ten thousand dollars!"

And then there's Joe Jackson, the father of the late King of Pop Michael Jackson, for apparently demanding a monthly allowance from his dead son's estate. And why does Jackson, who beat his children when they were young and who Michael apparently resented for that violence until the end, want or "need" an allowance? Because he's got expenses. Well, boo fucking hoo Joe Jackson. You need twenty grand a month to live on? Get a fucking job, or become a great gambler, or concoct some kind of massive insurance scam. Just do it on your own. Your son didn't leave you anything in his will for a reason.



"Hello, my name is Chris Brown, and I beat women."

And finally there's woman beater Chris Brown, who wants former girlfriend and the object of his vicious abuse Rihanna, to stop talking about how he beat the shit out of her. Brown has said several times now that he thinks what he did to her should remain "private" and just between them, most likely because it's bad for his image and he doesn't want to lose any more money.

Well, Chris, you should have thought about all of that before you beat the shit out of your girlfriend. Maybe Rihanna should have left you well before the last beating, but that doesn't negate on fucking iota of what you did to her. You beat the shit out of her. You did. If she wants to keep talking about it to the media that's her right. Maybe she needs to do it for therapeutic reasons. Again, that's her right. You, Chris, should just go away, or just stop whining about how the woman you beat the shit out of keeps talking about what you did. Go fuck yourself, Chris Brown, you fucking douchebag.



***

And now, your weekly "Jericho" update



Well, the first issue of the "Jericho" comic book is still set for general release on November 27th. And it is happening. Unless something catastrophic happens at the printers or the warehouse where the book is being warehoused (ha!) you will be able to go to your local comic book shop and pick up the first issue on the 27th. So don't get discouraged. This is happening.

Don't forget to check out http://www.savingjericho.com and http://jerichocomic.squarespace.com/ for up-to-date information regarding the "Jericho" comic plus other "Jericho" related stuff. And be sure to keep an eye on http://www.devilsdue.net/, the online home of Devil's Due Publishing for information regarding the comic. There will apparently be some nifty advertising stuff regarding the comic coming up, too, so be on the lookout for that.

You can also still, as far as I know, preorder the eventual "Jericho" comic book trade paperback here. I don't know how the new November release date is going to change the paperback release date, but if you have it pre-ordered you'll get it when it comes out.

This Friday, the Sci Fi Channel will feature an all day "Jericho" marathon starting at 8am. If you don't have the DVD sets and you didn't tape the show when it was originally on and you need a "Jericho" fix via your television (episodes are on the internets somewhere. Youtube I believe) then this marathon is a good place to get it. And if you've never seen an episode of "Jericho," this is your chance to check it out and see what the hell it is I've been yammering about all this time.

Now, if you're looking to purchase the show's full two season run on DVD you can go here to get. If you're not into the whole "buying the entire series in one package" thing, you can get each season individually (get season 1 here, and season two here).

"Jericho" is about to be reborn. November 27th is only a few short weeks away. Just be patient. This is happening.

Long live "Jericho"!



***

NASCAR and IRL thoughts



Well, the big news in the IRL is the recent announcement concerning an actual series sponsor for 2010. Upscale clothing company Izod, which has been the official clothing apparel of the IRL since, well, 2009, has signed on for five years and will provide somewhere around $10 million to the league, I assume for its season long point fund. This is great news for the IRL because they haven't had a viable series sponsor in years. Hopefully this sponsorship gives the league some added exposure and the ability to expand and just become more successful. And maybe Ryan Hunter-Raey, who I believe still has a personal services contract with the company, will finally get the opportunities he needs to become a bonafide player in the series. He is Izod.



The other big news in the IRL concerns Danica Patrick and her apparent recent signing with Dale Earnhardt, Jr's NASCAR Nationwide series team to run some kind of limited stock car schedule in 2010. Danica will run the full 17 race IRL schedule in 2010 for Andretti-Green Racing (she recently signed a three year contract extension with Andretti) and then race about 10 times in the Nationwide Series (racing when the IRL isn't racing). This is probably the best way for Danica to get involved with NASCAR. She gets a chance to get her feet wet in the stock car world, see if she wants to do it in a greater capacity in the future, and if she doesn't like it she still has a top flight IRL team to go back to. It's win-win.




Over in NASCAR world, Jimmie Johnson continues to be the luckiest sonofabitch in the world. Despite wrecking on lap 3 of the most recent race at Texas Motor Speedway, going down well over one hundred laps and finishing 38th, he's still got a 73 point lead. Mark Martin, second in points going into Texas, ended up fourth but he wasn't all that impressive, and Jeff Gordon, the only other driver with a realistic chance at catching and beating Johnson in the points, could only muster a 13th place finish. When you get a gift like Johnson wrecking at the start of the race you have to run with it. You can't just finish with a top 5 or a top 20. You have to lead the most laps and win the race. That's the only way Johnson is going down (well, that and he's going to have to wreck again at Phoenix, which is where the Sprint Cup Series races next, and at Homestead, the final race of the year. Good luck with that happening).



(Last week's Sprint Cup winner Kurt Busch celebrating).



Now, the other thing I want to talk about in NASCAR world concerns the legendary Richard Petty and his ongoing commentary concerning Danica Patrick driving a NASCAR stock car. Basically, Petty doesn't think Danica belongs even trying to race a stock car because "it's not for women." And it's not for women because there's never been a successful female driver in the history of NASCAR.

That's pretty fucking stupid reasoning. Did King Richard say the same thing when Bill Lester, a black driver that used to be in the Truck series, tried to qualify for those Sprint Cup races a few years ago? I wouldn't doubt it. Yeah, black driver Wendell Scott won a race, but that was like forty years ago. How many successful black drivers have there been in NASCAR? Why did he even bother?

A female driver has never been successful in NASCAR because a female driver has never been given a chance with good equipment. Shawna Robinson, Janet Guthrie, Patty Moise, they all had to compete with low buck teams and had finishes consistent with that equipment (Sarah Fisher did have a decent ride with Childress in the Camping World West series, but Childress threw her under the bus before she ever had a chance to get acclimated to the cars). Danica is coming into NASCAR with some of the best cars in the garage area. She's actually going to have a chance to run well without struggling with shitty cars and engines. Is that what you're really scared of, Richard? Some bitch showing you up?



Yeah, that's what it is. The King is scared some woman is going to laugh at his cock. Fucking pathetic.

So who is going to win at Phoenix this Sunday? Damned if I know.


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That'll be about it

Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Don't forget to check out the 411 mania movies zone podcast, which can be heard here. It's always a good listen.

And please check out my other column here at the 411 mania movies zone, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column. It's about B-movies.

And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.

"Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy."

Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)

Stewie: I'm going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)

Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!"

That's from "Family Guy," but I'm pretty sure you already knew that.

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Cancer really fucking sucks.

Alzheimers sucks.

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