A Fool's Utopia 11.12.09: Aging Gracefully...Not!

Posted by Ron Martin on 11.12.2009

This week in one man's utopia we take a look at a few films that are decidedly NOT timeless, talk thumb wrestling and things that make you go hmmm. Also on the agenda, Super Mario Brothers: The Movie, early season cancellations and what the hell is wrong with Aerosmith?

Everyone reading this column today has heard of the phrase "timeless classic." It gets thrown around these days more than Kim Kardashian pictures here at 411. With just about everyone ever having the chance to voice their opinions via the internet, three out of every five movies that come out are declared a "timeless classic," by someone. I am sure in the upcoming weeks, 2012 will be a timeless classic, Twilight and A Christmas Carol are timeless classics. The Princess and the Frog will end up as a timeless classic – okay, that one my happen given the history of Disney 2D animation, but I think you know what I'm talking about.

Any reader of this column knows that while I am not completely stuck in the past, I am always anxious to remember and celebrate (hence the "RETRO section every week) it. If I see a movie on TV that I remember from days gone by, I almost always watch at least a little of it. Such was the case on a strange Friday night where I ended up not only somehow watching Super Mario Brothers The Movie, but also the timeless classic that is Necessary Roughness. More on Super Mario later, for now, I have to tackle (sorry about the bad pun) Necessary Roughness.

As much as I may get my Kathy Ireland worship card revoked, I have to say that Necessary Roughness just didn't age well. With a cast including not only Ireland, but Scott Bakula and Sinbad, I don't understand what could have gone wrong. All sarcasm aside, the movie's comedy just doesn't play that well today. That's just one of many ways that movies don't seem to age well. I've noticed over the past few months several movies from back in the day that just don't play so well today for a variety of reasons. I'm not saying these aren't good films, just that while watching them now, there's a subconscious "qualifier" put on the film because of the time it was made in.

TRON



I loves me some TRON, you bet, but you have to know that a movie about computer and video graphics made in 1982 was going to age pretty quickly. I know that Disney is trying to rectify the situation with a brand new sequel with what is sure to be updated graphics that will blow our heads off. The only TRON we have now, however, looks like a bunch of dudes dressed like gaudier version of Farrooq circa 1996 jumping around between obvious 1980s graphics. There is a certain nostalgic homeliness to the whole thing that still makes the movie a quality watch, but compared to what we've been spoiled with since then certainly keeps the movie in its place.


Mr. Mom



There were few actors hotter than Michael Keaton in the 80s. He disappeared never to be seen again (we're pretending White Noise never happened) pretty early in the 90s. Mr. Mom sort of kicked off Keaton's ridiculous decade. Co-starring Terri Garr and Martin Mull, this movie is still funny but lacks the "timeless" aspect of most other John Hughes creations. The fashion of not only the clothes, but the furnishings can pretty much place this film about where it was released. Whenever one of the major themes of the movie is man vs. technology, it's going to be a product of its time.

Risky Business



I hope you like bangs. I know we all love the multitude of Guitar Hero videos, but let's be honest with ourselves, aside from that classic scene, this flick suffers from the edge. At the time the film came out, it was fairly edgy featuring drugs, prostitutes and illegal activities in general. The timeless aspect of a film that has chronic "edge" is almost nil. The overwhelming majority of the time, what is edgy then becomes old hat now. That's part of what's going on here. We don't flinch at drugs, rock n' roll or illegal activities. As hot as Rebecca De Mornay is, we look at her in this film and wonder why she's dressed like someone's grandma. 80s hot doesn't always translate well in later years.

The Dark Crystal



No one I know loves The Dark Crystal more than me. I am a big Jim Henson sort of guy and in no way, shape or form are you going to get me to admit that this is not a fantastic movie. That being said, time still has dated this sucker pretty good. What's aged this movie is Muppet technology. Don't know if you've noticed, but our Muppets these days can do a whole lot more than the Muppets of old – and without strings hanging from the ceiling or little sticks holding the hands up. Add in the fact that there would probably be a bit more comedy mixed in and battle sequences would come off much better and there's no other choice than to come to the conclusion that time has not been kind to The Dark Crystal..

Purple Rain



Maybe no movie has been hurt by Father Time more than this Prince love letter. I saw part of this not too long ago with the woman as we were headed out the door and she asks "What's with the picture?" I responded "Just the 80s, kid." I'm cool like that with the quick thinking every now and then. Honestly, as romanticized as this film has become, it was never really great. Sure there are some great lines to throw out from time to time but The Kid was so aloof and forlorn as to be near unlikable, the plot wandered from time to time and Prince's acting as suspect at best. This was a hit made by MTV and Prince's popularity, but it was still a fun watch. To the point – almost nothing says 80s like this movie.

Deep Throat



I'm not really counting this, but let's remember when porn was very hairy and very uh….homely. Let's appreciate what we have now, for it is glorious in comparison. At least we got away from the camera flipping to the dude's face at the most in opportune moment. I need to high five somebody for that.


-- You had to know it was coming. When FOX pulled Dollhouse off its Sweeps month schedule, it was an omen of bad things that you knew had to be coming for Joss and Eliza. I am very much pro-Eliza Dushku on my TV and very much pro-Joss Whedon created series on my TV, but I didn't think this series ever clicked. It got pushed back a year before it even debuted. FOX kept messing with the formula much to the chagrin of Whedon and the ratings were tepid at best. I am sure there will be some sort of "Save Dollhouse" campaign while the rest of its episodes play out, but is it really worth saving> Dushku and Whedon should move on to better things (I would still be down for a Faith made-for-TV movie. Anyone?) It's funny that a Whedon disciple (Jane Espenson) has created a more Whedonesque series (Warehouse 13) than Whedon did.

Also not very surprising, Kelsey Grammar's Hank is already gone. I'm not going to defend Hank because Grammar has not been funny for a long time, but ABC has absolutely no clue what it is doing. It won't be long before Patricia Heaton's Malcolm in the Middle clone is cancelled as well. ABC is just throwing names out there, knowing full well that these shows are not going to succeed. I have serious doubts that ABC is going to get out of this creative rut any time soon. Right now, they are by far the most inept network – unless you count the CW, which I don't.




-- Seth McFarlane's dream has come true. He finally did it. He finally took over the entire two hour animation block on FOX, bumping The Simpsons last week for Seth and Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show. This is using the term "comedy" very loosely. If you could sit through the really bad Family Guy sketches, you were rewarded with holocaust humor and really, really bad celebrity impressions. The only remotely funny moment was Alex's joke only a rapist could hear. I am glad to see that FOX is using sweeps month to its advantage by bowing down to the wants of Seth McFarlane and his pet project at the expense of the show that has been the foundation of the network almost since its inception.


-- For anyone who actually thought "I bet Dane Cook would be a decent Riddler" please remember the films this man has put out and contrast those with the great acting we've gotten from the new series of Batman films so far. Thank you.

FIVE COMPLETELY UNRELATED THOUGHTS

1. The best part about Steve Tyler staying in Aerosmith? While they still have a chance to put out one last really good album that I am hoping is in the works and now I don't have to put up with constant harassing from my friends about my favorite band breaking up. The best part of the entire thing is that when they're contract is up next summer for their participation in Disney World's Rockin' Rollercoaster Starring Aerosmith ride, they can re-up. For a minute I had flashes of Rockin' Rollercoaster Starring the Jonas Brothers dancing in my head. Thank goodness the band killed the break before I found the ice pick.

2. Wal-Mart is going out of its way to try to avoid a repeat of its Black Friday disaster last year where one of its employees was trampled to death by overanxious shoppers willing to step over a dead body to make sure Johnny had his $59 Nintendo DS under the tree. Changes are being made to avoid bottlenecks and charging customers full of turkey and anger. While I bemoan the fact that they are going to be open all Thanksgiving (all stores being closed is kind of part of the tradition, no?), it's well worth the sacrifice to avoid future injuries. I will be doing my first ever Black Friday shopping experience this year and I will make sure to be miles and miles away from both Wal-Mart and Best Buy. I'll hit Wal-Mart up around midnight to pick through what's left of the $3 DVDs. I'll do the same for Best Buy and Target the next day. That's how I have acquired most of my DVD collection.

3. Dear Tom Brady, if you are reading this please throw five TDs in a losing effort this Sunday at my Colts. Sometimes fantasy football makes you root for the strangest things. With my luck, he will throw no TDs and the hated Patriots will still win.



4. The woman tried to play a game with me on Friday. While I was working on the computer (probably building the best theme park Facebook ever saw), she decided to peruse my free Disney Family Movies channel. Picking a movie she thought was a cartoon that I recently purchased, she went against what was best for the entire world and chose to play Super Mario Brothers The Movie. As punishment, I made her sit through the entire thing while listening to her quip "What the..?," "Is that suppose to be…?" and "What in the world does this have to do with Super Mario Brothers?" Talk about movies that didn't age well. I always knew this was a terrible, terrible movie, but upon this latest viewing? It's got to be one of the ten worst movies I have ever seen. Wow. Just wow.

5. Kudos to the Lost team for walking away from The Dark Tower. I am not saying this because I think they would have done a terrible job with the adaptation, but it sounds as if they looked it over and made the decision that I think most fans of Stephen King have secretly already concluded – it's just too big a project for any type of media we currently have. To do the thing justice, you have to have it on the big screen and it would be like 13 movies. Three movies just wouldn't cut it. I don't think even seven movies would encompass the enormity of the project.

-- Did you have an affinity for neon colors? Have you ever danced like you've never dance before expecting to be splashed with a bucket of water once you have finished? Have you played Pac-Man so much that you know where the dead spot is at? If you have, then perhaps you might be interested in a little RETRO.

Today I am going to hit you up with a couple of toys/games of my youth. I know, surprising right? First up, I found this gem on youtube.



Ah, WWF thumb wrestlers, taking thumb wrestling to the next level! Hell, they even got good ol' Vinnie Mac to pimp them out. In theory, thumb wrestlers were a great idea. Instead of just wrestling with your thumb, you popped your thumb up Big John Studd's ass as your friend did the same to the Junkyard Dog and you have at it. In practice – not quite as good. The thumb wrestlers never stayed put and would jump off your thumb at the very thought of touching the opposing person's thumb wrestler.



These little guys came in packs of two because really what were you going to do with just one thumb wrestler. I guess there was one place you could stick it, but I don't think the WWF marketing machine at the time wanted to go there. There have been a ton of generic knockoffs of these things since then. Of course the knockoffs are drawn to look similar to, but not quite like superstar wrestlers so as to avoid any nasty copyright issues.

Personally I had Roddy Piper and the Junkyard Dog. Don't know where or how I got them, just that the Junkyard Dog, ironically enough, met his demise between the teeth of my real life dog. Piper would hang on quite a bit longer with my pencil eraser up his ass.

From the ring to the casino…



I don't think that Casino Yahtzee is marketed anymore, but there was a time in my high school days when this was my grandma's favorite game to play. In fact, though she is deceased now, I am sure that if I went to that house and checked the shelf in the closet this game would be looking right back at me. It's scary to think about a Yahtzee game with eyes, but bear with me.

This particular brand of Yahtzee was a bit different because you had to fill up rows and columns to get points. I don't remember the exact strategy, but I do remember that it was pretty fun and a nice break from regular Yahtzee. There was a way to majorly screw over the person next to you, but for the life me, I can't remember the exact strategy. This was a time when Yahtzee was trying to expand out and had about five different kinds of Yahtzee games out there.

Forgotten Music Video

C+C Music Factory - New Music - More Music Videos

Ah, C&C Music Factory. These guys were big for a couple of minutes back in the very early 90s.Their wacky videos plus the whole "hey that's not that girl's voice" controversy did them well. I had this song on one of those "sit next to the radio and hit the RECORD button when the next song comes on, hoping that it's a song you like" cassettes. I wish I still had this cassette Not so much for the C&C, but moreso for all the two second intros of the songs that I didn't want and quickly stopped recording on. I am pretty sure this song was on there legit, but now that I listen to it, I was far too young to let this dirty song influence my future lifepath. This explains so much.

Random Shot from Random SNES game I owned

23 YEARS AGO TODAY

November 12, 1986

#1 Song


"Amanda" by Boston

#1 Album



Third Stage by Boston

#1 Movie



Crocodile Dundee

I must leave you now.