Misunderstood Masterpieces 11.17.09: Spider-Man 3

Posted by Will Helm on 11.17.2009

...or, All This Because Mary Jane Sucks at Singing

After the success of the X-Men films early in the decade, Marvel Comics elected to elevate one of its greatest and most famous characters to the big screen after years of missteps: Spider-Man. Though the film itself was mired in developmental hell for over a decade – stemming from the demise of Carolco and even before that, Spider-Man, released in 2002, blew away audiences and critics with its picture-perfect portrayal of the legendary web-slinger himself. Featuring up-and-coming young actors Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, and James Franco – as well as seasoned veteran Willem Dafoe, Spider-Man thrived under the watchful but playfully stylistic eye of iconic cult director Sam Raimi, who imbued the film with action, humor, and humanity as only few can.

The poster makes it
all seem so promising.

Unsurprisingly, Spider-Man's success meant a sequel was inevitable and, to the cast and crew's credit, 2004's Spider-Man 2 was just as much a hit as its predecessor. This time featuring Alfred Molina as Spider-Man foe Doctor Octopus, Spider-Man 2 took what was usually a goofy villain and made him a fully realized character and threat for Spider-Man. Add in a well-scripted subplot featuring drama between Peter Parker – Spider-Man's everyday alter ego – and his lady-love Mary Jane Watson, as well as a secondary subplot regarding a quest for REVENGE by Harry Osborne against Spider-Man due to the death of his father, the Green Goblin. Though these three plots could have weighed down the entire movie, Raimi once again kept the film moving with nary a stall.

As a full-fledged hit franchise, a third Spider-Man film was slated for 2007 and, this time, it would feature not one, not two, but THREE villains from the Spider-Man pantheon: Sandman, a returning – sort of – Green Goblin, and long-time fan favorite Venom. Though Raimi did plan on having three villains for the film, Sandman and Green Goblin among them, he was supposedly convinced to use Venom through the intervention of producer Avi Arad, as the fans would really dig it . . . which did portend a disturbing trend in Marvel Comics' films. More on that in a few weeks, though. Anyway, Raimi did give in to Arad's plan and, of course, the film went on to become the highest grossing Marvel Comics film of all time, and second most successful comic-book-based movie of all time, just behind The Dark Knight. Though a major hit at the box-office, Spider-Man 3 did little to impress the critics, unlike its predecessors, which are considered two of the best of the genre. For this to be so, there must be something wrong with Spider-Man 3; perhaps, in fact, it is a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

Either to recap for the uninitiated or suck up to fans of the franchise, the film begins by showing clips of the prior films, until they all get slimed for no apparent reason. I didn't know this was You Can't Do That in Spider-Man. In New York, bad CGI Spider-Man (Maguire) swings through the streets as per his own particular idiom and as he is wont to do. Thanks to the events of the previous film, everyone in the Big Apple loves Spider-Man, even though he was a hated vigilante before that point. I guess he's a lot like Alex Rodriguez in that sense. Though Spider-Man is the toast of the town, his alter ego, Peter Parker, remains a dork, though now a dork with a rival in science class: a blonde HOT CHICK (Bryce Dallas Howard).

Tobey Maguire was amazed
to learn that there was
to be a premiere so soon
after his nap time.

Peter Parker, though a dork, does have one thing most other dorks don't have: a redheaded actress as a girlfriend, namely former neighbor and schoolmate Mary Jane Watson (Dunst). On some non-enchanted evening, Peter goes to see Mary Jane in a major Broadway show she's starring in, where he geeks out in the audience when she comes onstage and sings for absolutely no reason. Because when I think "Spider-Man," I think "musical number." More on that later.

Meanwhile, from the balcony, Peter's former best friend and now most devious rival because he wants REVENGE for the death of his father which he thinks Spider-Man caused even though his father was evil and actually died by his own hand, Harry Osborne (Franco) watches Mary Jane longingly before turning his attention on Peter, which is kind of . . . weird. After the show, Peter, who's trying to be a nice guy even though he's pretty much got a death warrant over his head, catches up with Harry but Harry totally blows him off. After Harry leaves, Peter meets up with Mary Jane and tries to console her worries regarding her performance with an explanation of acoustics – he is a dork, after all, while Harry retires to his secret lab to take a green sauna. Mmm . . . there's nothing better than spinach-infused steam!

Later that night, Peter and Mary Jane hang out – literally – in a web in a tree and watch an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT . . . I mean "meteor shower." During the cosmic event, Mary Jane starts prattling on about a singing career while a meteor lands nearby. Somehow this leads to Peter and Mary Jane making out, or maybe it's just coincidence. While Peter checks Mary Jane's tonsils in a very unorthodox manner, the meteor oozes mysterious black goo; meanwhile, in Washington, the Senate Republicans propose a bill to drill meteors to become independent of foreign oil. Unfortunately, that wouldn't be the best of plans, as this mysterious ooze starts crawling on its own and hitches a ride on Peter's moped as he drives away with Mary Jane, presumably to not have sex.

James Franco shows being
a good actor means never
having to groom
your mustache properly.

While all of this inaction is going on, some convict (Thomas Haden Church) runs around the city and breaks into a house. Rather than rob the place, he's instead there to deliver some mail to a sick girl. Perhaps finding the house to be rather inviting, the convict then gets changed and makes himself a sandwich; he's evidently a very casual fugitive. Before the convict, Flint Marko, can enjoy his tasty sandwich, a woman who may or may not be his angry ex-wife (Theresa Russell) interrupts dinner to yell at Flint. This goes on until the sick girl, who is apparently the daughter of Flint and the woman, wakes up, which leads to the woman throwing Flint out of the house, even though he contends he's not a "bad person." I'm sure that defense would fly well in court.

The next day, Peter goes to visit his widowed Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) and he reveals that he's going to propose to Mary Jane. Aunt May, rather than tell Peter that she's proud of him for legitimizing his and Mary Jane's relationship, instead makes him some tea and lectures him. Oh geez; I hope this isn't a speech about birds and bees. While Peter enjoys some Earl Grey, Aunt May reminisces about her husband – Peter's Uncle Ben (Cliff "Big Kahuna" Robertson), who had to die tragically in the first film to convince Spider-Man to become a hero, because with great power comes great responsibility and all – and gets misty-eyed because he's dead and it's all – sort of – Peter's fault. Or, at least, Peter thinks it is. Aunt May gets over her little bout of post-traumatic-stress disorder and gives Peter her engagement ring to give to Mary Jane, pretty much because she doesn't need it anymore and he's too poor to buy a ring for Mary Jane. After all, I bet two months of his salary would be enough for a mere cubic zirconia anyway.

Peter, ring in hand, drives his moped through the streets of New York with a dopey look on his face. Luckily for him, Green Goblin swoops in on his hoverboard to kidnap Peter and beat that dopey look off his face. After a brief pummeling, Green Goblin opens his motocross visor – because this is, evidently, Green Goblin X-Treme~! – and reveals himself to be none other than Harry! Wow! What an unexpected plot twist! While Peter makes excuses for the death of Harry's dad, the original Green Goblin, Harry confesses that he wants REVENGE and throttles Peter some more; in the process, Peter nearly loses Aunt May's ring, which somehow slips out of his pocket and slowly – very slowly – falls to the ground until Peter catches it in midair. Eventually, Peter and Green Goblin play a little game of cat-and-mouse until Peter thwarts Green Goblin with a deadly clothesline. Not the wrestling move, though; an actual clothesline made of Peter's webbing. This causes a vague mortal injury in Harry, but Peter is nice enough to take Harry to the hospital, since they used to be best buds and all.

No word on whether or not
she wants to be there as well.

Sometime later, the cops trail Flint into a swamp and, in the process, reveal that Flint is actually the one behind Uncle Ben's death and not the random miscreant that Spider-Man may or may not have killed in the first movie. Retconning: it's what's for dinner! After a barely lit chase through the swamps, Flint falls into a sand pit – that just happens to be in the middle of a swamp – and some unwitting scientists attack him with spinning fluorescent lights, which somehow turn Flint into sand, causing him to dissipate into apparent oblivion. Thanks for showing up for the film, Flint!

Back at the hospital, Harry is diagnosed as being alive, but he just so happens to have amnesia; though he's now totally unaware of his desire for REVENGE against Spider-Man and Peter Parker, he does know who Peter and Mary Jane are, which is a start. Meanwhile, at the mysterious sand pit, the sand begins coming to life and eventually forms a man made of sand. In fact, this isn't just any man made of sand, but it's Flint Marko, reintegrated as some sort of Sandman. After Flint Marko reforms and grabs his daughter's locket – which she gave him in some scene that should hold emotional significance if I cared at all about his character, which I don't, he makes himself some sand clothes and walks off to freedom, since the cops probably think he's dead. Getting attacked by fluorescent lights usually does that.

The next afternoon, Mary Jane stops by Peter's apartment for a visit and to tell him that a critic in the newspaper thinks she sucks at singing. Though Peter tries to console her, somehow Mary Jane's inability to sing leads to her resenting Peter's gig as Spider-Man, probably because she's jealous that people like him better than they like her. Ah, it's been a while, but BITCHES BE CRAZY! While Mary Jane sulks, a crane goes crazy in Midtown Manhattan and tries to kill the blonde HOT CHICK from Peter's class, who just so happens to be a model as well as a student. Strangely, she was modeling with a copier at the time, which probably appeals to some fetish somewhere.

I've always been puzzled by
Sandman's sideways cornrows.

While the blonde HOT CHICK fends off a maniacal crane – evidently Stephen King's Maximum Overdrive was a big inspiration for this scene, her father, Chief Hoggett (James Cromwell) drives up to survey the damage, as well as a douchey photographer named Eddie Brock (Topher Grace), who's also dating the blonde HOT CHICK, Gwen Stacy. Eventually, Gwen falls from the building and somehow avoids the debris long enough for Spider-Man to swoop in and rescue her. After Spider-Man puts Gwen safely on the ground, Eddie rushes over to introduce himself as the new news photographer and even insults that hack Peter Parker in the process. Taste the dramatic irony!

Over at the Daily Bugle, hilarity ensues as Ted Raimi proposes a marketing plan for the paper to editor-in-chief J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons) while J.J.'s secretary (Elizabeth Banks) pesters him about taking his medication. After the marketing meeting, Eddie shows up with some hot photos of Spider-Man; Peter, moments later, arrives with his Spidey pictures, which aren't as good as Eddie's because Eddie is a professional . . . and because Eddie's good at kissing up to J.J. Eddie nearly gets a regular job at the Bugle, but, when Peter protests, J.J. decides to pit him and Eddie against each other in a duel; their mission: sully the good name of Spider-Man once and for all!

Sometime later, Harry, who apparently is slightly retarded in addition to having amnesia, returns to his home with Peter in tow; Peter gives him a basketball for being such a good boy. Harry, rather than shoot hoops, wants to learn more about his father . . . as well as just why he happens to have super reflexes. Meanwhile, at the theater, Mary Jane finds out that she's been fired from the play – because she sucks at singing – in a really uncomfortable moment, as Mary Jane was supposed to be let go through her agent. Oops. Just to rub salt in Mary Jane's wounds, after she leaves the theater, applause suddenly breaks out because Spider-Man is doing something awesome, much to Mary Jane's chagrin.

Wait a second . . . that's
Christina Hendricks,
not Bryce Dallas Howard.
Not that I mind.

The next day, or even yet later, Peter watches a parade in Spider-Man's honor. Meanwhile, Eddie bothers Gwen because he thinks they're dating, but instead he's just stalking her. How romantic! Mary Jane, on the other hand, just mopes at the parade, rather than work on her cover letters and résumés. Elsewhere in New York, Sandman stalks the streets until the police try to give chase; Sandman hides out in a truck full of sand and uses it to grow huge and beat up the cops, even though he's not a "bad person."

Back at the parade, dimwitted Harry joins Mary Jane while Peter gloats over his adoring public before swinging in as Spider-Man, accompanied by the crowd's adulation and an introduction by Gwen. Spider-Man, sensing a good photo-op – he is a photographer by trade, after all, tells Gwen to make out with him and she does, sending Mary Jane into a tizzy because she thought they copyrighted that move in the first film. Sorry, Mary Jane, but there are two differences here: no rain and no erect nipples.

While Harry attempts to console Mary Jane with his currently empty-headed puppy-dog eyes, Sandman blows by and hijacks an armored car, which means it's time for Spider-Man to make an impromptu exit from the parade. As Sandman fills the armored car with himself, suffocating the drivers in the process, which is kind of perverted and weird, Spider-Man drops in only to get beat up by Sandman, which means a fight ensues as per the series' particular idiom. Eventually, Sandman escapes, leaving Spider-Man behind to clean bits of Sandman remaining in his hood and boots and probably elsewhere in the costume. Eww.

So, we have the natural
redhead play a blonde
and the natural blonde
play a redhead.
Makes sense.

That evening, Peter goes to a fancy restaurant, where he explains to the maître d', French Bruce Campbell, that he's going to propose to Mary Jane so he has a very specific set of requests for the occasion. Thankfully, none of them involve brown M&M's. French Bruce Campbell, because he's awesome, is cool with it . . . until Mary Jane shows up and mopes over dinner, much to Peter's chagrin. Peter, happy-go-lucky because everyone loves him, tries to cheer up Mary Jane by being a pompous douche, but the attempt backfires when Gwen shows up out of nowhere – I guess she's stalking Peter – and reveals that she and Peter are "lab partners" – perhaps in Sex Education – which makes Mary Jane insanely jealous because BITCHES BE CRAZY, bringing the dinner to an anticlimactic end. Listen Mary Jane, it's not Gwen's fault you can't sing, so chill.

The next day, Peter calls Mary Jane and leaves a message but, instead of answering, she just glares at the phone. Later, Peter's phone does ring but, instead of Mary Jane, it's the police, who gather Peter and Aunt May together to tell them that Flint Marko killed Uncle Ben and not the nameless hoodlum from the first movie, sending Peter into a fit of rage. Peter Parker just hates arbitrary retconning! Back at home, Peter has flashbacks until Mary Jane comes over for a visit because Aunt May is worried about Peter. Mary Jane, meanwhile, couldn't care less, but she does think that Peter needs some "help." And this from the woman who's insanely jealous and desperately in need of a voice coach.

That night, Peter, while sleeping in his Spider-Man costume like a lunatic, has a nightmare. During the night terror, the intergalactic goo – that just happened to be hanging out in Peter's room all this time – attacks Peter . . . or he's in the throes of a nocturnal emission. Either way, the preponderance of goo blackens Peter's costume and, once he wakes up, he finds that he's now BADASS BLACK-SUIT SPIDER-MAN! Of course, Peter digs it, probably because black is very fashionable and slimming. Instead of booking a shoot with all the fashion magazines, Peter visits with his college professor, Dr. Curt Connors (Dylan Baker), who provides exposition regarding the goo, classifying it as some sort of symbiote. Dum-dum-DUM!

Look deeply into the sad eyes
of a man who knows he'll
always be Eric Forman.

Sometime later, Spider-Man chases Sandman into a sewer but, beforehand, he breaks Eddie's camera. Not to worry, though; Eddie has a spare, even though he pulls it out after Spider-Man is gone, so it's absolutely worthless anyway. Eventually, Spider-Man corners Sandman and guilt trips him regarding Uncle Ben's death. Spider-Man finds this strategy to be ineffective, even though Sandman isn't a "bad person," so they fight between subway trains in a giant subway depot. After a long and woefully drawn out brawl, Spider-Man gets Sandman wet and then uses a deluge of water to discorporate Sandman, causing the villain to drift off into oblivion, this time for good.

With Sandman out of the way and his uncle's death finally avenged, Peter gives himself emo hair and yells at his kindly Russian landlord (Elya Baskin). Then, once back in his apartment, Peter takes off his badass black suit and freaks out for no apparent reason. Later, Peter reports back to Aunt May and tells her that Flint Marko is dead, which doesn't make Aunt May feel any better because she never wanted REVENGE in the first place. Oops. Aunt May, perhaps sensing that Peter has turned evil – or, at least, slightly less good, drops a little wisdom on him by providing the moral of this tale. Something about "forgiveness" or something like that.

Mary Jane, her dreams of Broadway stardom shattered, gets a job singing in a bar and calls Harry for comforting, since Peter's too busy rescuing people to care about her. Mary Jane is just so likable in her selfish bitchiness. Meanwhile, Peter's landlord, who's a pretty cool guy, gives Peter some advice about Mary Jane. Mary Jane, on the other hand, is busy hanging out with Harry, who cooks her dinner while she dances in his kitchen. He joins in the little number and they make an omelet together, which semi-retarded Harry inevitably screws up. Somehow, this makes Mary Jane make out with Harry – I guess she figures he won't remember anyway – until she freaks out and leaves. Somehow, this all leads to Harry getting drunk and having a flashback wherein he remembers that he wants to kill Peter Parker and Spider-Man after all.

And this isn't blonde
Bryce Dallas Howard, either.
It's Meghan McCain.

Is it just me or is this all really convoluted?

Sometime later, Peter calls Mary Jane again but, this time, before she can answer, Harry shows up in her apartment to interrupt and propose an evil bargain with her. Mary Jane, therefore, calls Peter and invites him to meet her in the park. Peter agrees and is even nice enough to bring Mary Jane flowers . . . which he can put on the grave of their relationship, as Mary Jane dumps Peter. While this drama is going on, Harry watches from the wings and gloats over the show.

In the aftermath of the big breakup, Peter goes to Harry for advice. Instead of consolation, Harry reveals that he's with Mary Jane now, which causes Peter to go catatonic until he dons his BADASS BLACK SUIT once again and pays Harry a visit that night. Spider-Man, looking to vent his frustrations on his frenemy, beats up Harry until a full-fledged fight breaks out. In the process of the melee, Spider-Man and Harry wreck Green Goblin's lab and then Spider-Man subdues Harry and smartmouths him. Harry responds by throwing a Goblin Grenade at Spider-Man, but Spider-Man throws it back, blowing up Harry.

The next day, Eddie unveils unflattering pictures of Spider-Man to J.J., winning the job as staff photographer in the process. Peter, unhappy with losing the duel as well as having his superheroic alter-ego disparaged, confronts Eddie with charges of Photoshopping, which justifiably gets Eddie fired when they prove to be true. Peter, in Eddie's stead, takes over the job as staff photographer and even strongarms J.J. into paying him a fair wage.

This is blonde Bryce Dallas
Howard, meanwhile.

After Peter chats with Dr. Connors for a little more exposition, he hits the streets where he struts and hits on HOT CHICKS . . . and does the "six-shooter" move a little too much. This must be a scene from the never-published comic Peter Parker: The Douchey Spider-Man. Meanwhile, in yet another swamp, Sandman reforms yet again. Dum-dum-DUM!

That night, Peter goes on a date with Gwen, which Eddie takes as a personal affront, even though he really wasn't dating Gwen. Peter, either unwittingly or just to be a dick, takes Gwen to the jazz club where Mary Jane works. While Gwen sits by, mystified at Peter's chutzpah, Mary Jane tries to sing but is rudely interrupted when Peter commandeers the piano, which causes a dance number to break out. Wait . . . really? Let me look at my notes for a second. Dance . . . number . . . breaks . . . out. Dammit. While Mary Jane watches, aghast – you're not the only one, Mary Jane, Peter tangos with Gwen just to make Mary Jane jealous. Unsurprisingly, this has the expected effect, as well as making Gwen really uncomfortable with this psychodrama. Again, you're not the only one.

After the impromptu performance, Peter confronts Mary Jane before fighting some bouncers and "accidentally" smacking around Mary Jane a bit. Spider-Man's got to keep his pimp hand strong. After this raucous scene, Peter sees the error of his BADASS ways and retreats to a church bell tower to sulk. Conveniently, in that same church, Eddie stops by to pray . . . for Jesus to kill Peter Parker. And here I would have thought he'd curse the developers behind Photoshop instead, since they're more the cause of his current troubles. Somehow, during the course of Spider-Man's freakout, he accidentally bumps into the church bell, which strips Spider-Man of the intergalactic goo, which then falls on Eddie.

Venom approves of
the gratuitous eye candy
in this column.

Peter, free of the BADASS goo, goes home to take a shower and mope until Aunt May comes by for a visit. Peter tries to give her back her ring, but she doesn't want it. Evidently it's cursed in that case. Meanwhile, somewhere in the city, Evil Goo Eddie tracks down Sandman and they team up because they want to get back at Spider-Man . . . and Peter Parker, although Sandman really doesn't know that. Elsewhere, Peter stalks Mary Jane, but not well enough to notice Evil Goo Eddie kidnapping her and webbing her up in a taxi over the city. In fact, Peter has to learn about this on the news, since he's apparently the world's worst stalker.

Peter, knowing when he's in over his head, visits Two-Face Harry and asks him for help in rescuing Mary Jane. Harry, probably still upset because Peter tried to kill him earlier, tells Peter to scram and Peter does. Afterward, however, Harry's butler steps in to mention that Harry's father did actually die by his own hand so Harry's quest for REVENGE was all built on false pretenses. Way to go, Harry.

Spider-Man, all by his lonesome, swings in to face off against Sandman and Evil Goo Eddie and rescue Mary Jane. It doesn't start out well, though, as Evil Goo Eddie captures Spider-Man and gloats until Mary Jane hits him in the head with a cinderblock, causing Spider-Man and Evil Goo Eddie to fall from the webs and fight in midair. Meanwhile, Mary Jane, perhaps jealous that Spider-Man is attracting all the attention, starts falling herself, but she fails at it when she gets caught up in the webs again. While Mary Jane hangs out, literally, Evil Goo Eddie and Sandman team up to bludgeon Spider-Man, while a crowd and an inexplicably British news reporter watch in horror.

Just when all hope is lost and a news anchor writes off Spider-Man, Green Goblin X-Treme~! flies in to make a face turn and help out his buddy. After Green Goblin X-Treme~! frees Spider-Man from the villains' clutches, they join forces to save Mary Jane while Green Goblin X-Treme~! collapses Sandman with a barrage of missiles from his hoverboard. With Sandman incapacitated, Evil Goo Eddie confronts Spider-Man, who tries to reason with his one-time rival. It doesn't work out too well, so Green Goblin X-Treme~! swoops in to save the day, but he just ends up, after a convoluted series of events, getting impaled by his own hoverboard. Death by irony!

Spider-Man, after a convenient landslide of pipes and an ensuing miraculous epiphany, traps Evil Goo Eddie in a cage of pipes and uses it to free Eddie from the intergalactic goo. Spider-Man then grabs a Goblin Grenade to destroy the goo once and for all – except for the sample that Dr. Connors has; Carnage, anyone? Yeah, I didn't think so – but Eddie jumps in the way and gets vaporized along with the goo.

With the villains apparently thwarted, Mary Jane runs to be with Harry, while Sandman, who really doesn't know when to leave, chats with Spider-Man and really, really tries to convince Spider-Man that he's not a "bad person." Spider-Man, probably just wanting this whole sorry ordeal to end – you ain't the only one, Spidey – forgives Sandman for killing his uncle – "accidentally" – and Sandman flies away to find his own adventures . . . but hopefully no spin-off films. Finally, Harry forgives Peter and then dies, even though Harry really didn't have anything to forgive Peter about. After Harry's funeral, Mary Jane "sings" in the jazz club and Peter goes to see her so they can reconcile just in time for Spider-Man 4.

Since its release, I've heard on more than one occasion that Spider-Man 3 is unbelievably disappointing and, I have to admit, it is true. Sad, but true. However, it's disappointing in a way I wasn't expecting at all: rather than be actively bad, it suffers from being thoroughly and completely uninspired. No one in the film looks as though they want to be there. Maguire and Dunst seem bored, while Franco is given a dopey amnesia storyline that ends too abruptly to make it at all significant. Thomas Haden Church looks confused through most of the film – probably because of his character's specious identity. Bryce Dallas Howard, though gorgeous, is grossly underused, serving to be a mere speed bump in the relationship between Peter and Mary Jane; she could have just as well been a blow-up doll. Topher Grace, at least, sinks his teeth into the Eddie Brock/Venom character, as unnecessary as the character may have been in the film. As well, none of the characters are at all likeable, as Peter becomes a douchey emo and Mary Jane a crazy bitch, in addition to all the other missteps. Even Raimi's direction suffers, leading me to believe that the creative emptiness of this film sapped his usual brilliance, leading to one sad, muddled Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as a classic superhero returns in black and white – and red – to be lambasted by critics and audiences, despite a bevy of HOT CHICKS. See you then!
- - -
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