The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 11.23.09: Issue #82 - Against the Dark Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 11.23.2009
Once again, this column is in the Steven Seagal business and we take a look at the 2009 action horror flick "Against the Dark."
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #82: "Against the Dark" (2009)
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that just wants you to know that while Jesus may love you, Frank Goperkel in Yuman, Arizona can't fucking stand you and wishes you would just get a brain tumor and die (Frank's a bit of a prick), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number eighty-two, I take a look at the 2009 horror action flick that's both one of the greatest ideas of all time and one of the worst movies of the year, "Against the Dark," "starring" Steven Seagal.
Against the Dark
"Against the Dark," also known as "Last Night," is, like I said in the introduction, both one of the greatest ideas of all time and one of the worst movies of 2009. It's a shoddy, lame as all hooha horror action flick that would be completely unwatchable if Steven Seagal had not been in it because there's nothing really going on to warrant actually watching it. While the idea of bad ass aikido man Seagal killing vampires is just so dang awesome to think about, the movie is so poorly executed that it's a wonder those involved didn't try to get their names removed.
In the near future there's some kind of plague that turns people into vampire zombie mutants that eat people like zombies in a George A. Romero movie but also can't be outside in the sun (what happens to a vampire zombie mutant when it goes out in the sun is never explained, at least I don't think it is). They run around like the zombies in "28 Days Later" and the "Dawn of the Dead" remake, but all you have to do in order to kill them is stab them or shoot them (a head shot isn't necessary). Now, this vampire zombie mutant plague, as far as I can tell, is all over the world but it exists only in densely populated pockets, like major cities, which have then been walled off by the government and the military in an attempt to contain it. Non-infected people still live in these cities, but they're more or less on their own as the military isn't coming to help. There are, however, heavily armed bands of mercenary/vigilante type people that do go into infected cities and search for non-infected people. Tao (Seagal), a trench coat wearing bad ass swordsman, is the leader of one of these mercenary groups.
Now, I just want to point out that, while the first character we see is Seagal's Tao and that he's listed as the movie's star and he's featured prominently on the DVD cover, he's not really the star. Seagal basically just appears in the movie (it would have been more appropriate if Seagal had, instead, been listed in the credits as "and Steven Seagal" or "and featuring Steven Seagal"). Tao could have easily been played by a no name stunt performer with an imposing physical presence. I will say, though, that the movie probably would have been completely unwatchable without Seagal in it as he's the only actor (besides Keith David. More on him later) that's actually interesting to watch. The rest of the cast is just awful. That's harsh, I know, as they all try very hard to rise above the flick's stunning mediocrity (especially Tanoai Reed as Tagart), but they all fail miserably. It doesn't help, either, when it appears that the flick's director, Richard Crudo, doesn't know what he's doing. The movie just meanders around for no apparent reason, with Tagart and the uninfected people trying to escape the hospital, Tao and his leather clad kung fu sidekicks walking around kicking ass, and other stuff just happening at random. There's no real flow to anything, and when a ticking clock is introduced into the story presumably to add suspense to the goings on (Keith David's character, Lt. Waters, has been ordered to level the city as soon as the sun comes up, regardless of whether or not the uninfected get out), the movie actually just slows down to a crawl.
It would have helped if any of the characters involved actually seemed to know one another. Even the uninfected people in the hospital, who apparently do know one another, really don't act like they do. They have no chemistry, there's no sense of camaraderie among them, even among the family members (you'd think a family's infected kid would make that family work together and that you'd feel some sympathy for them, but that doesn't happen). These people are just bland, boring people with nothing interesting to do.
It also would have helped if the flick's story had a larger purpose behind it. Why is Tao so intent on going into these infected cities and finding and rescuing people? Why isn't the government doing more to fix the problem? Just what the heck is really going on here? The stuff that happens in the movie happens just because it does. There's just no reason for any of it.
Now, as I said, the only real reason to see "Against the Dark" is to see Seagal walking around in full on bad ass mode, killing zombies with his sword while blasting the occasional one with a shotgun. The movie immediately picks up when he appears. I don't fully understand why his character isn't the main focus of the story and why he doesn't figure more into the story. I mean, Tao doesn't even get a final moment where he gets to say something cool, stare into the camera, and then walk off. We just see him run away down a tunnel and that's it. It's like the producers decided to make a zombie movie, realized they didn't really have much of a movie in the middle of making it, and then just decided to add in the Tao stuff just so they could use Seagal's star power to sell the movie. If that is what happened, they should have just scrapped most of everything they filmed with the uninfected survivors and started over again focusing on Seagal's character. He's the one the audience wants to see, so why not give the audience what it wants? I thought that was the point of these low budget direct-to-video movies.
There are a few cool gore moments, as the vampire zombie mutants are pretty dang vicious when they tear into someone. The movie also does have a pretty decent look about it, as the abandoned hospital set is occasionally creepy (the abandoned streets at the beginning are pretty creepy, too). And Keith David always classes a movie up just by being in it (unfortunately David doesn't get to do much more than hang around in a military command post and give out orders and kind of look concerned about leveling a city. Why doesn't he get to talk to Seagal over the freaking phone? That would have been pretty freaking cool. It would have been a "Marked for Death" reunion. I'm pretty sure everyone in the world wants to see that happen).
Now, as bad as this movie is, I do hope that, some day, Seagal decides to make a sequel to it, or at least remakes it in some form. There's some really cool stuff floating around in the hooey. Steven Seagal fighting vampire zombie mutants, killing them with a sword and a shotgun, with Keith David appearing. There's the making of a great movie in there. Maybe John Carpenter can be brought in to work on it? That'd be pretty fucking cool, wouldn't it?
I can't exactly recommend seeing "Against the Dark," but if you do find yourself needing to see it, just be warned that the incredibly bad stuff massively outweighs the cool/good stuff. Watch it, weep, and get pissed off about what could have been. "Against the Dark" is a great idea. It really, really is. It's just a really, really bad movie.
Only see it if you have to.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous quick explanation at the beginning of what happened to the world, gratuitous Steven Seagal, gratuitous Steven Seagal wearing a black leather trench coat and walking in slow motion, gratuitous Steven Seagal killing vampire zombie mutants with a sword, multiple stab wounds, a "no smoking" message, bloody boobies, gratuitous gut busting flashback, gratuitous more Steven Seagal walking in slow motion, teeth filing, a coffee mug with a picture of a dog on it, blood in a mug, gratuitous abandoned hospital, gratuitous taking the Lord's name in vain, gratuitous guy with a painkiller addiction, a room filled with guts and blood, barfing, neck stabbing, neck breaking, gratuitous guy using an old newspaper as toilet paper, gratuitous impromptu feast, a garbage can with a severed head in it, gratuitous military helicopter, gratuitous Keith David, vampire zombie mutant janitor attack, a vampire zombie mutant that kind of looks like Yanni, dead body eating, more throat slashing, gratuitous multiple scene of Steven Seagal fucking up vampire zombie mutants with a sword, face stomping, weird beard bondage, a mutilated, skinned dead body with a cigarette in its mouth, gratuitous moment where Steven Seagal tells a young child that his name is Tao, vampire zombie mutant massacre, hand removal, gratuitous 30 minute ticking clock, gratuitous Steven Seagal blasting a guy with a shotgun, some serious Kim Richards, machine gun hooey, gratuitous grenade to a zombie midsection with a pretty dang cool explosion, a scary elevator ride, gratuitous underwater zombie attack, gratuitous tender moment for Steven Seagal, more Kim Richards, sword breaking, vampire zombie mutant through a wall, more neck snapping, and an ending that makes no sense.
Best lines: "We're not here to say who is right or wrong, we're here to say who lives and who dies," "You'd be surprised at what you can find in people's medicine cabinets, as long as you look hard enough," "It's okay. They're not infected," "You shouldn't believe that shit you hear on the shortwave," "They're not monsters or demons. They're just infected," "You're bleeding," "That would have been funny if it wasn't so damn scary," "I have to wash my hands," "Who are you? My name is Tao," "What the fuck?," "I want to see daylight again," "She didn't even cry out," and "I'm immune, remember."
Rating: 4.5/10.0
***
In a few short weeks, Steven Seagal is going to be everywhere on television, as his A&E reality show, "Steven Seagal: Lawman" debuts December 2nd. The previews look great, and the whole idea of Steven Seagal actually working as a real life police officer is just hilarious, awesome, and kind of scary all at the same time. I mean, if you're a criminal and you get arrested by Steven Seagal, how do you process that? I guess we'll find out soon enough, won't we?
Oh, yeah.
***
Here are a few preview trailers for upcoming Seagal direct-to-video movies. "Driven to Kill" is already out and will eventually get a full on review in this column. It looks pretty dang cool, doesn't it?
Enjoy.
And here's a trailer for a classic Seagal flick, one of my personal favorites, "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory."
***
Have you seen "Live Evil" yet?
"Live Evil," the great new Tim Thomerson vampire flick (also featuring an appearance by horror legend Ken Foree) is now on Video on Demand. Check out my review for the flick here, and then, if it's on your cable system, order it. It's a great flick, and you will not be disappointed. I can't think of anything else I'd want to watch on Thanksgiving.
The flick now also has a firm DVD release date. According to its MySpace page, "Live Evil" will hit DVD February 23rd, 2010. That's only a few short months away, so remember that date, and be sure to keep an eye on the MySpace page and the flick's new Facebook page for further updates/developments.
***
And now, a final word from the one, the only Steven Seagal:
Exactly.
***
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that. And if there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
And don't forget to bookmark 411 via the little line below. You'll be glad you did.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving! And for you international readers, try to have as good a day as you possibly can.
"Against the Dark"
Steven Seagal- Tao Keith David- Lt. Waters Tanoai Reed- Tagart
Jenna Harrison- Dorothy Linden Ashby- Cross Emma Catherwood- Amelia Stephen Hagan- Ricky Daniel Percival- Dylan Skye Bennett- Charlotte Danny Midwinter- Morgan Clay Donahue Fontenot- Harrington
Directed by Richard Crudo
Screenplay by Mathew Klickstein
Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Rated R for gory violence, language, and some brief nudity and drug use Runtime- 93 minutes
