Misunderstood Masterpieces 11.24.09: The Spirit

Posted by Will Helm on 11.24.2009

...or, Frank Miller, Samuel L. Jackson, and HOT CHICKS: What the Hell Happened?

Other than perhaps Batman, few, if any, superheroes from the Golden Age of Comics make a successful jump to the big screen. Superman and the Phantom, among others, both proved success can be elusive for Golden Age superheroes, despite how great Superman II is. As such, Hollywood tends to stick with the heroes of the Silver Age and beyond, which explains why there are far more Marvel comic films than DC, as Marvel was the imprint most associated with the Silver Age.

In 2008, another Golden Age superhero attempted to make the jump to cinemas: The Spirit. Created by comic legend Will Eisner in 1940, The Spirit's adventures span such varied genres as noir, comedy, romance, and even horror. Though not the most famous of characters, The Spirit's appearances live on to this day. However, it would seem that The Spirit is famous enough to inspire a film; interestingly, this isn't just any old superhero/comic-book adaptation. On the heels of the direct-from-the-page style of the masterful Sin City, that style of filmmaking was chosen for The Spirit and, as such, the producers hired one of the directors behind the aforementioned film: controversial comic-book writer and artist Frank Miller.

If she's screaming, maybe
you should use lube next time.

Though the man behind Batman: The Dark Knight Returns and Sin City, Miller largely shied away from Hollywood after a bad experience with the sequels to RoboCop soured him to the business. Thanks to Robert Rodriguez, the visionary behind the film adaptation of Sin City, Miller agreed to co-direct that film and, with that critically rewarding experience in hand, he moved on to direct The Spirit himself. While this may have endeared The Spirit to comic-book savvy filmgoers, the casting of Samuel L. Jackson as well as the hottest actress of the contemporary era, Scarlett Johansson, gave The Spirit a popular caché that could easily translate into box-office revenues. This, unfortunately, didn't pan out, as critics savaged the movie, leading to a 15% Rotten rating on RottenTomatoes.com and a domestic gross of just under $20 million. Considering the material, as well as the presence of Miller, Jackson, and Johansson, it's hard to believe this result; no film can be this much a failure . . . perhaps, instead, it's a Misunderstood Masterpiece. Let's find out!

Though I probably should have expected it, the film begins with an expository monologue; interestingly, however, the monologue is not from The Spirit, but the film's embodiment of death, the oddly named Lorelei Rox (Jamie King) . . . who also happens to be a HOT CHICK. Before Lorelei can continue her speech, she's rudely interrupted by a telephone in a hospital or, actually, a graveyard. What a graveyard needs with a telephone is beyond me, but I guess it works for the movie. Somewhere in the graveyard, specifically where the telephone is, some guy in his underwear wanders around and answers it. On the other end, some other guy tells the guy in his underwear that an octopus is by the docks. Well, where else would it be?

The guy in his underwear, thankfully, puts on the costume of the titular Spirit for he is, in fact, The Spirit (Gabriel Macht), and goes for a jog with some cats through the graveyard and over some city rooftops. Deeper in the city, The Spirit climbs a telephone pole and waxes poetic about getting it on with the city. Well, at least it's not as bad as Captain Kirk's obsession with mountains . . . and I'm not talking figuratively:



On his way to the docks, where an octopus is doing . . . something, The Spirit stops by a random alley to save some chick from a couple of muggers. Though he subdues the muggers and leaves the chick with the police, he also takes a knife to the gut, which he calmly removes before going on his way. Perhaps to avoid further interruptions en route to the docks, The Spirit hijacks a police car and drives it to the shoreline. Meanwhile, at the docks, a frog frightens a cop before HOT CHICK Sand Saref (Eva Mendes, again) pops out of the water and cop gets shot, even though Sand didn't pull her trigger. Dum-dum-DUM!

The Spirit: The only superhero
complete with a power tie.

In the aftermath of the shooting, The Spirit arrives and investigates the scene. While some cop rambles about Sand – who didn't shoot the cop after all, it is revealed that she was just diving in the murky water and someone else shot the cop instead and happily so at that. To escape the anonymous assailant, Sand dives for cover beneath the water, but that proves to be an unsound strategy as the mysterious figure follows her . . . because he's Samuel L. Jackson, bitch! I do believe business is about to pick up. Luckily for Sand, Samuel L. Jackson stops pursuing her when he finds a more worthy quarry for his mischief: The Spirit! To that end, Samuel L. Jackson beats up The Spirit and kicks him around in mud, because he was the Octopus all along! Samuel L. Jackson, not The Spirit. That would just be a really confusing plot twist and it's way too early in the movie for that.

While The Octopus and The Spirit tussle in the mud, a trio of bald henchmen (Louis Lombardi . . . as all three) bumble around looking for something until sinister HOT CHICK Silken Floss (Johansson) runs one of them over and complains about The Octopus making dumb henchmen. Speaking of The Octopus, he's busy pummeling The Spirit with wacky weapons, such as a severed head, a cinderblock, and a toilet. It's a wonder he couldn't find the kitchen sink in the mud as well. Ages into the battle, The Octopus calls it quits when one of the henchmen shoots at The Spirit for no particular reason. Before scurrying off to his secret lair, though, The Octopus stays around long enough to trade witty barbs with The Spirit while apparently wearing blackface, which is both odd and impressive.

After The Octopus takes his leave, some chick (Sarah Paulson) finds The Spirit in the muck and patches him up because she's apparently a doctor. She proves this theory to be true when she starts scolding The Spirit for being reckless, but he's too busy being paranoid about The Octopus' plans to care. And then he talks to his hat. OK; maybe one of those blows with a cinderblock – or the toilet – knocked something loose in The Spirit's brain. That's going to make for an interesting rest of the movie, especially when he loses continence three-fourths of the way through.

The forecast calls for snow
with a 70% chance
of BADASS.

With The Spirit mostly recovered – and I use the word "mostly" very loosely, he steals a locket from the hand of the nearly dead cop, a locket that the cop grabbed from Sand as he was being shot and was probably trying to cop a feel on her so that if he died, he'd die happy. Before The Spirit can abscond this piece of evidence, the police commissioner (Dan Lauria) yells at him for some reason, which causes The Spirit to get all philosophical and have a monologue, because he's the existential hero. Meanwhile, The Octopus has a labor-relations spat with one of his dumb henchmen, so The Octopus shoots the henchman to save face from embarrassment, since the henchman nearly messed everything up back at the docks. This is yet another reason why henchmen REALLY need a union.

Back in the city, The Spirit studies the locket and has a flashback to a time when he was a kid and knew a skateboarding HOT CHICK, also named Sand Saref. OK, seriously; this is the second time in three weeks where I've watched a film where the main character and Eva Mendes' character were friends as kids. I wonder if The Spirit made a deal with the Devil and had to leave Sand behind in the rain as well. Actually, that doesn't prove the case, but there's more character development before that. Specifically, it is revealed that Sand love diamonds and that young Denny Colt – The Spirit's former identity – gave her the locket to impress her. It sort of works, as Denny and Sand spend all their time together not having sex . . . until his drunken boxer uncle accidentally kills her father, which causes her to swear REVENGE against cops? And here I would've thought she'd want REVENGE against drunken boxers; then all she'd have to do is join her state's Athletic Commission. Perhaps that's what she does, as young Sand skips town, leaving Denny behind with his virginity. This may explain why The Spirit is eternally hitting on chicks, to be honest.

The Spirit, with this clue in hand, swears to track down Sand, who's busy driving through the city with some greasy guy (Eric Balfour). Meanwhile, down in the sewers, The Octopus gloats over a magic box full of golden light; I'm surprised he didn't say anything about it looking awfully familiar. He does, however, attack his henchmen because they screwed up, as that isn't actually the box he wanted; Silken Floss, perhaps to mollify her boss' rage, tells a henchman to kill himself, which I suppose is the supervillain equivalent of filing a grievance. While the henchman tries to commit seppuku, Silken Floss and The Octopus plot against Sand and, as well, they hatch a scheme to trap The Spirit, just because.

There are times when wearing
nothing would be just as easy.
This is one of those times.

Meanwhile, in a nicer part of the city, Sand and her accomplice meet with some older guy (Richard Portnow) and blackmail him because he sold her out to The Octopus. As a measure of REVENGE against the old guy, Sand sends his ill-gotten gains to the city's charities while photocopying her butt for no apparent reason other than that's what girls with nice butts should be encouraged to do. After showing the old guy the picture of her rear, Sand tells him to kill himself, probably because he won't see anything better so life isn't worth living anymore.

Sometime later, The Spirt goes to see the chick doctor and, because he's miraculously healed from his wounds, he hits on her. They nearly "play doctor," but, before he can examine her more thoroughly, the commissioner shows up, and he also happens to be her father. While the doctor retreats awkwardly, the commissioner introduces a rookie HOT CHICK from the force to The Spirit: Detective Kate Beckett (Stana Katic). After The Spirt and Det. Beckett exchange pleasantries, The Spirit exits the hospital and does a television interview outside where he tells kids to remember to brush their teeth. No word on taking their vitamins or saying their prayers, though. The commissioner, apparently a closet Hulkamaniac, doesn't appreciate this affront to proper interview etiquette, so he scolds The Spirit once again; The Spirit, meanwhile, is too hung up on The Octopus to care about the commissioner's advice.

Later, the commissioner, who's still tired of The Spirit not listening to him, orders The Spirit to catch Sand while Det. Beckett provides exposition. They all then head to the old guy's office, where they find Sand's accomplice dead – as well as the old guy, who did off himself – and the damning photocopy of her derriere. That has to be a very interesting piece . . . of evidence. The Spirit must agree, as the sight of Sand's butt makes him go all emo, which piques the commissioner's suspicions regarding The Spirit's knowledge of Sand. Well, commissioner, it can be found at the beach, is often a main ingredient in glass, and really hurts when it gets caught in your swimsuit. How's that?

She may look wholesome
but . . . yeah, she's pretty
much just wholesome.

That evening, Sand plays cards with some mysterious figures and tells them to tell The Octopus that she wants to meet with him. Meanwhile, The Spirit rides a train and has an internal monologue. Sadly, he never once mentions anything about spice or the Kwisatz Haderach. Elsewhere, down in his lab, The Octopus plays with a sentient foot with a tiny human head on it while Silken Floss and her stupendous cleavage talk about his company's profits. Though it seems that the business is running well and The Octopus could probably retire well at that point, he doesn't care about fiscal success as he just wants to end The Spirit. Then again, if he did that, the movie would only be an hour long! No!

That night, The Spirit tracks down Sand, who, conveniently, just got done taking a bath and is clad only in a bath towel. Either as a distraction or just to show off, Sand drops the towel, but The Spirit seems unfazed, since he has to be a hero and all. Later he'll probably rub one out but he has to stay professional for the time being. To that end, The Spirit tries to take Sand in to the cops, but she contends, rightly, that she's innocent of murder, which causes The Spirit to start rambling incoherently about The Octopus, since he's the real reason for all this trouble. Or that damned frog, actually. With The Spirit distracted, Sand starts a monologue, but The Spirit chimes in with one of his own. Sand, not content to be interrupted, pushes The Spirit out a window. The Spirit, much to the delight of passers-by, nearly falls to his death, but he gets caught on the building's facade. Sand, meanwhile, drives away, leaving The Spirit behind to take a call from Det. Beckett with IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS before he loses his pants and swings to safety into a room full of HOT CHICKS. Yes, this all actually happens.

Even more later that night, The Spirit heads down to the local salt factory, where he beats up a bevy of The Octopus' henchmen. With the henchmen subdued, The Spirit enters the sewers, where Silken Floss saunters over to him and, while distracting him with her HOT CHICK-ness, shoots him up with some knock-out serum. Meanwhile, back at the hospital, the commissioner chats with his daughter and tells her that The Spirit is no good for her, but she argues that she likes him because she understand how his body works. Oh, I bet she does! Her father, however, disagrees, as he thinks that The Spirit is nothing but a man-slut, but this is all just misplaced anger due to his failed marriage and the loss of his beloved partner, Denny Colt.

Speaking of Denny Colt, he's busy waking up tied to a dentist's chair; before the procedure starts, though, some HOT CHICK (Paz Vega) belly-dances for him, while The Spirt tells the audience that he knows this HOT CHICK and she's just a little weird. But a HOT CHICK, so it's tolerable. After the impromptu show, The Octopus, clad in Nazi regalia, comes out for a little speech, which Silken Floss and a telephone rudely interrupt. The Octopus, ticked that his train of thought was derailed, takes the call, which is an indirect message from Sand regarding a meeting between the two and perhaps even a trade for their respective quarries, as Sand has something that The Octopus desperately wants.

This is finally proof that
Scarlett Johansson can wear
an ugly tablecloth
and still look good.

After The Octopus hangs up the phone, he continues his speech until The Spirit sasses at him, which somehow causes The Spirit to have a flashback during which The Octopus provides exposition. Apparently, according to the flashback, The Octopus created The Spirit by injecting Denny Colt's corpse with some sort of mystery immortality fluid, which, upon discovering that it actually worked, The Octopus used on himself. Meanwhile, recently dead Denny Colt paid the commissioner a visit, just to let him know that he's not dead anymore and that he's going to be The Spirit from now on.

After this bit of character background, The Octopus then reveals what's in the case that Sand has: the blood of Heracles, which will grant either him or The Spirit – or both – immortality if they drink it. Then, just to punctuate his speech, The Octopus dissolves a cat, just because he can. While The Spirit tries to wrap his brain around just what that had to do with the plot – I'm right there with you, buddy, Silken Floss brings the science and explains that she, The Octopus, and the henchmen plan on cutting The Spirit up into a bunch of tiny pieces to see if his immortality can handle that. Before the plan is enacted, The Octopus, being a gentleman, tells the belly-dancing HOT CHICK, Plaster of Paris, to make the first cut. The Spirit, since he knows her already, distracts Plaster with some French, so she frees him and, in the process, The Octopus gets smooshed by an eagle. I'm sure there's some sort of symbolism there, but I could be wrong.

The Spirit, with Plaster in tow, escapes to the surface, where she stabs him with a machete because, though a HOT CHICK, BITCHES BE CRAZY! While Plaster skips off to wherever, The Spirit stumbles down to the docks and goes for a swim, during which he dies again. In the Netherworld, The Spirit makes out with Lorelei and hallucinates about women, which must be his way of dying happy. I guess it isn't happy enough, though, as he spurns Lorelei's advances and comes back to life. Somehow, he ends up back in the hospital, where the doctor gives him a cursory examination before he runs off in search of The Octopus and Sand.

I'm patiently waiting for
someone to invent
a Paz dispenser.

Conveniently, at that very moment, The Octopus and Sand are meeting on the outskirts of town . . . although, perhaps wisely, The Octopus sent Silken Floss in his stead. Unsurprisingly, as there can't be HOT CHICKS in such close proximity without some TENSION, Sand and Silken Floss sass at each other; meanwhile, in the periphery, the cops spy on them, probably either waiting for a crime to be committed or for the two of them to totally lez out. Unfortunately, neither happens, as Sand merely lectures Silken Floss about her bad choice of career before making the fair trade with her rival.

Before Sand can get away, though, one of the doofy henchmen starts shooting again, which must be the signal that it's time for the movie to start wrapping up, as The Octopus and The Spirit both show up at that very moment for a final faceoff. While Silken Floss drives away, The Octopus starts shooting at The Spirit and, after emptying a multitude of guns into his nemesis, finally puts down the hero and gloats over the victory. The Octopus' celebration is short-lived, though, as the cops jump out from all corners to capture The Octopus, who tries to fend them off with his HILARIOUSLY GIANT GUNS. Seriously; those thinks may have their own area code.

While The Octopus shoots cops and helicopters and fruit bats and breakfast cereals, Det. Beckett, with her slightly smaller but still comically huge gun, shoots off The Octopus' arm; does that mean that he's now a Septapus? With The Septapus disarmed – literally – and distracted, the commissioner shoots him a couple times, but The Septapus survives the volley and, with everyone apparently stunned that he's still alive, he grabs the blood of Heracles and tries to drink . . . but, before he can, Sand shoots it from his hands and breaks the vase! With The Septapus' grand plans thwarted, The Spirit, who isn't dead again after all, runs up and plants a grenade on The Septapus. Before the expected explosion, though, Sand rescues The Spirit from the scene, allowing The Septapus to blow up all alone.

Detective Beckett seems
like she'd be fun
with a few drinks in her.

With The Octopus – or, more accurately, The Septapus, finally defeated, The Spirit gives Sand back her locket and they make out. Unfortunately, the doctor picks just that moment to show up and she isn't happy about her favorite hero macking on another girl, even though they're long lost friends and he died a couple times in the interim. After Sand gets away, with the commissioner's implicit blessing, thanks to The Spirit, The Spirit apologizes to the doctor for the whole thing with Sand, but Det. Beckett, who may be turned on by explosions and wants an explosion of her own, chooses that moment to hit on The Spirit, much to the doctor's chagrin. Meanwhile, unseen by pretty much everyone, Silken Floss returns to pick up The Septapus' still-living severed finger and drives off with it. Finally, The Spirit has another monologue where he yet again talks about having sex with the city, even though I'm sure that would really, really chafe.

I might be crazy – or distracted by Scarlett Johansson's stupendous cleavage, but The Spirit is actually remarkably entertaining. Though it certainly isn't the best of it's genre – I'd say that title still goes to Iron Man, The Spirit makes up for any shortcomings by being thoroughly and completely goofy. To me, this seems like a film that a lot of critics and viewers just didn't "get." Even though it looks like the hard-boiled Sin City, The Spirit couldn't be farther in tone from that film; in fact, I would go as far as to call this a comedy, first and foremost, and that's what makes it entertaining. The Spirit is unabashedly weird and bizarre, with a deadpan sense of humor that never once lets on that this should be something to elicit laughter. Everything about this movie is grossly exaggerated, but not so much so that it becomes unbelievable for the genre – which would be impressive in its own right. Shockingly, The Spirit is an unappreciated gem and, definitely, a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

See you next week as I kick off my month of the Worst Films of 2009 with a little visit from Hugh M. Hefner. See you then!
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